Then came in a youth bownsing with authority : looke out, said Orlotto, who i'st ?  O Sir, (quoth Joculo) a man made out of waxe, a City-sparke, a Bonfire, a Muske-cat smells not sweeter, a Barber is not trimmer, a Chamber-maid is not smoother, a painted whore not better colour'd. An Aldermans sonne, as his man whispers to me. Bring him in : he comes.

      Save thee (Noble Jew,) I am a Cockney borne, a chil'd of Troy-novant, the sonne of a scarlet man, (a Senator,) I am / p.21 / (as all of us) borne poore, but left rich, Wenches I revell with, Vintners I advance, Taylors I make Gentlemen, Sempsters are my wayting-women, Bawdes I kicke, Punkes I tumble, I can handle a Rapier, tosse full glasses, spinne out nights in suppers, and dance away whole dayes with Fidlers : Duckes and Drakes make I with shillings, honest wives, drabbes, with poundes, I want nothing, have all things, and yet (but yesterday) an old trot, a Beldame, a Witch looking in my hand, told me I had too large a Table, to keepe it still furnish'd with meate ; and that for all my full bagges, I should dye a beggar.   Being vext at this leane Lamia, hollow-eyde Canidia, and splay-footed Irish Calliogh : I come (Jew) to thee, to have thee to ride among the Planets, inquire of them what Starre was my midwife, and then tell me my Fortune.

      To whom, Orlotto, thus :
      Sir, you are rich, but deepe wells by continuall bucketting the water out, are in the end drawne dry : Troy was once on fire, yet long since burnt out ; you are faire, and handsome, but intemperate riots will leave you ugly : you are witty, wenches and wine will make you a foole ; you are young, late watchings in Taverns, will wrinckle that face, and dry up that bloud : Had the Alderman your father done as you doe, you had done nothing, you had bin nothing : Now you are followed, then you might have serv'd ; what are you in your spendings ? / p.22 / but a great Taper to give other light, rather a tallow candle, which being wasted goes out in a filthy snuffe : Lavish spending, has a slavish ending ; when women have worne away your body, and wantonnesse worm'd you out of wealth, then goe to your Gossips, (which now hang like jewels about your necke,) shake but an empty pocket, what then ? the whore will not know you, the Vintner not trust you, the Tayler no more take measure of you, the Mercer goes in with a Spanish shrugge ; Torn fortunes wheele round in your owne hand, Lords will play at dice with you, Knights will call you Tom, and Jacke, and Dicke, Fether'd gallants haunt you, Parasites flatter you, Brokers borrow for you, Usurers lend you, Citizens cap you, Brave dames kisse gownes out of you : But, let Fortune snatch her wheel from you, a poore Ale-house is your Inne, an old Freeze Jerkin in Summer your Sonday-suit, and a Plimouth cloake your Caster. Here then is your Fortune, if you hold on as you begin, your full feeding will make you leane, Drinking too many healths, wash away your own health, your too oft leaping the pale, causes you look pale, too close following the fashion, brings you out of all fashion, and a carelesse life, draws on a miserable death ; you have yet, gold enough left, husband that, you have wit, imploy that : from handfulls of corne-seeds come Cart-loads of corne ; A little well ordered, begets much, and much scraped abroad (as Hens do chaffe with their heels) comes to nothing. If you mock my good will, you may repent when you lie like a Nut-megge in a Grate, or else ride Westward, at the Sheriffs charges, on Doctor Stories wooden horse of Troy, which has swal- / p.23 / lowed many a gallant into his belly. Our yong Cockney laughed, shook his head, muffled his face in his scarlet cloake, and so without so much as mum, sneaked away.

      The hammer at the gate, beating loud in our eares agen : Joculo, comes in, Crying Foh, I am almost strangled with a Damp : why, said Orlotto, what Customer comes next ? one I thinke (sayes the Boy,) to give you a fit of mirth, for his pockets are full of pipes ; at the very gates hee drew out a Tinder-box, and bounce went his nose like a Pot-gun ; his throat sure is on fire, the smoak flies so fast from his mouth, blesse his beard with a bason of water, least he burne it : some little Devill, in mans likenesse, for he spits fire, pants and lookes pale, and so spawles, and drivells, he has almost made a puddle where he stands, see sir, here hee comes, having put up his pipes.
      I come to thee Jew (quoth the Tobacconist) to know whether the Doctor of the Towne lie or no, for they all say, my lungs are wasted with excessive drinking Tobacco, and I cannot live, but I feele no such matter ; That sacred Indian-weed, is restorative to me, Tobacco is my heaven on earth, Tobacco is my breakfast, my banquet, my blessing, the scent of it so ravishes me, would I had taken Tobacco in my mothers belly ; Tobacco is to mee an honor, for some Noble- / p.24 / mens chimneys vent not out so much smoke, as I doe at my nostrils, yet my wife curses the Inventor, railes at him, at mee, and the poore innocent herbe ; so my sonne swears he had rather thrust his head into a Jakes, than peepe into my chamber, yet this divine Moly, is meate and drinke to me, what need I New-castle-coals having this fewell to heat me? Hang Sacke, this is my Canarie, this Black-a-More I love, above the beauty of a Cheapside darling : In one of these pipes is my mornings draught, in another my apples and carrawaies after dinner, in a third, my after-noons nuntions, and at my going to bed, this is my posset : To binde this to me, I will lose my hat-band ; and does this then shorten my life, say Jew, am I a dead man or no ? Cast the dice, and let mee see what chance Fortune has allotted me.

      Another knocks sayes the good Christian-Jew, looke out boy, O sayes Joculo, 'tis a sweet woman, do you not smell her ? a rowling eye, fine haire (if it be her owne) high forehead, rare face, (if it be not painted) white necke, (if it be not plaistred) straight back, (if it be not bolstred) slender wast, (if not too much pinn'd in) pretty foot, daintie leg, and I thinke, a Citizens wife, for a little prentice mans this little Pinnace.

/ p.30 /

      Let her howse a while (sayes his M^r.) I know her ; once has she been here before, and I cannot be rid of her ; yet I will bring you acquainted with her qualities, and these they are ; she came naked into the City, and shall so returne, unlesse shee doe pennance in a white sheet, pinn'd round about her. Her husband married her for pure love, and had naught with her, and naught is like to have ; yet she will flaunt with the finest, and gad abroad with the giddiest, looking for more attendance than a Countesse, and more observance than a Dutchesse : shee stomacks any bravery in others, and cares not how great her owne be, nor how she comes by it : yet she is not common, (that's her glory,) but loves only one besides her husband, (and that's her Scandall.)
      No fashion can peepe out, but she has it ; no sight to bee seene, but she must view it ; not a gew-gaw heard of, but she longs for it : she will buy nothing that is cheape, weares nothing that is course, eats nothing but what is costly : her honest husband is her Hobby-horse at home, and her foole abroad, amongst her Crew, the wanton Girles jeere him ; and her hee companions point at him with forked fingers, such a life leads he with this white Devill ; he were better be in his grave : by day he dares not meet her, shee's so man'd with her brave Boyes ; by night, he feares to lie with her, shee's a Noli me tangere ; with meat he cannot please her (shee's so daintie) in clothes hee cannot keepe her, (shee's so / p.31 / costly) with words he cannot fit her, (shee's so captious) and no way can content her, (shee's so wanton :) If he councels her to turne over a new leaf, mew (cries she) you preach false doctrine : if hee jeere at her apish folly, O sayes she, you are all wit, or wit-all : keepe her short of money, she sweares she will have it, though she hang for it ; strike her, she stabs ; kisse her, she spits ; locke her up, she cries out murder ; and the next time she goes abroad, a Catch-poll salutes her husband for some false debt, so he lies by it : and she playes his wanton, wicked, sweet, wel-favour'd filthy wife. Now Joculo call her in.

      Worthy sir, I have beene here with you before, you counselled me then ; but the hony you gave me, turn'd to gall in my stomacke. The more I strive to love my husband, the more his deboish'd courses begets my hate ; I have cast mine eye on a second, and that second is now my first : I know such love is unlawfull, yet I cannot with-stand destiny, I am marked to be his, he to be mine : I beseech you therefore tell me, and put me in some comfort ; shall I bury my husband or no, and then will it bee my fortune that this other sweet man, take me to be his wife.

      The honest Jew looking with fixed eyes upon her, said thus, were your minde as faire as your bodie, you were a / p.32 / Diamond for a Kings wearing : but the foulnesse of the one, utterly eclipseth the brightnesse of the other.
      I must condemne, and contemne you ; you were sworne in the Church to a husband, and you in a Tavern swear your selfe to an Adulterer : you consume your husbands goods to feed a Villaine ; you were honest, and make your selfe otherwise. But take heed, there is an eye sees you when you kisse false lips ; an eare heares you, when you plot your close meetings : a hand from Above, to apprehend you in your lust ; and a devill below, which shall lend you fire to nourish it ; such a pleasure has an enticing face, but a Furies body, a sugred bit, but being swallowed, rank poison. Look into my garden, if I would suffer my neighbors to cover it with garbadge, no dunghill would stinke worse ; so, you are sound, and lovely now ; but when your hot lust throwes Ulcers, Blanches, and the French Itch all over your body; then you will wish your self turn'd into a Toade.
      Would you know your Fortune ! there it is ; If you loose your good name, you will never recover it : play false in your youth, and in age, none respect you : your husband (by your basenesse) is now counted a Cuckold ; and your children for ever shall bee called Bastards. Say your husband dyes, no one will marry you but this your sweet-heart, and then he will not trust you, but revile you, curbe you, abhorre you, and keepe you as a slave : lament your folly now, and it shall save you a labour then : begin a new life, abandon lewd company, else your dayes will be wretched, and your death miserable. She put finger in the eye, and away she went.

/ p.33 /

      Who is that knocks so maidenly, said Orlotto ? O sir (quoth the Boy) 'tis such a sprigge as I am ; a pretty, hansome, well-fac'd stripling ; neat in clothes, spruce in shooes, garters, and stockins ; and by his habit seems to be some good mans Prentice, some good mans !   O ! that's some Rich mans ; for he that is Rich in this Age, is Good, and none are Bad but the Poore ; and is't a Prentice sayst thou ! This Citie is bound by her Priviledges and Charter to make much of such Plants : had she no Prentices, she would in a short time have no Freemen. To be a Prentice, is to be bound, but not to be a Bond-man, yet hee is a Bond-man for so many yeeres ; but it is a noble Bondage, a Bondage with libertie : if the Mr. holds one end of the staffe, the Prentice fastens on the other. The Prentice is bound to serve his Master ; and in the same Indentures the Master is tied to serve his Prentice with apparell, victuals, lodging, and all things necessary, and to teach him what himselfe (in his Art) knowes. A Prentice is a City-kernell, his Master, the shell : and some of them are very hard to cracke ; some breake themselves : All your rich Shoppe-keepers that make such goodly bankes of flowers, were at first set of such slips.
      In the Musicke of City Government, a Prentice for a while practises onely the Gamoth on his fingers ; but when he comes out of his yeers, is free, and weares a livery Gowne, hee then beares a voice in the Common-wealths Consort.

/ p.34 /

      London had never seene the face of a Lord Major, a Sheriffe, an Alderman, a Deputie, a Church-warden, a Constable ; but that they were all drawne by the picture of a Prentice : a Prentice comes to bee all these ; and all these had never come to what they are, but by having beene a Prentice. A Prentice then being so brave a Spark, let us see what fire this will kindle when he appeares.

      No sooner had Joculo fetched him in, but thus the sprightly youth began.
      Sir, I am bold to knocke at your Gate, to seeke a little knowledge here, but I begge your pardon ; I am the sonne of a Gentleman, though (as some tell me) I forfeit my Gentillitie by being led into a kind of voluntarie servitude of being a Prentice. This grieves me not a little, to loose the Honor I brought into the World, onely to clime (if I can) to wealth, within a Citie ; I am free in my minde howsoever, and in that I am a gentleman still.
      My Father having many sonnes, and I a yonger Brother, I gladly to ease him of a charge, entred into this care of a Servant, of a Prentice, of a Bondman : some servile offices I doe, and do them willingly ; others I must doe, and will do them as bravely. My Master is not hard to please, and my Mistris easie ; so that if I content both, I content my selfe : And 7. yeeres will quickely runne out at the small hole of a / p.35 / Three-penie hour-glasse. But (renowned Jew) I desire to learn of you my highest Fortune, being but a Prentice, I shall in time ascend unto.

      You shall know (said Orlotto.)
      All men in their Cradles have their Fortunes (good, bad, or indiffrent (pinn'd on their very Mantles : You have lighted upon no ill-one in being a Prentice, for you are now a student, and must reade over the Law of Lex Talionis, (like for like:) looke how you measure your masters goods out to others, your servants, with such fingers, shall deliver out yours.
       Does riot present you a horse to ride upon, being a Prentice ? your Prentice shall take a horse (a Jade) out of the same stable, and ride, to his owne ruine, and (if he can) yours. You are in a City, not at Court ; and 'tis your place to follow Industry, not bravery : which doing this wilbe your fortuue [lit.].
      You shall in a short time get freedome ; and then your Priminiere is recovered, (your gentility, your own agen.) In a few yeers after, by good husbandry, you may arrive at riches, and riches in the end bring you to honor : if you disdaine not to weare a Prentices Cap, you may live to see the Cap of Maintenance, worne before you as the Cities Prætor. Put on those clothes of a servant cheerfully, which your Master shall bestow upon you, and this City which is now / p.36 / your Nurse, shall at length, be your Mother, and put you into Robes of Scarlet. How many of our London Senators, have beene called from the Councell Chamber in the Guildhall, to sit at the Councell Tables of their Soveraignes ! And why may not the Beames of such glory shine upon you ? you are now but a small printed Booke let this your youth, and mens estate when it comes, write none but commendable Stories, And your old Age shall bring forth a most excellent volume. He ended, the yong man, with blushes in his cheekes, and good language in his mouth, with humble thankes departed.

      To the gate (boy) cryed Orlotto, another knocks, looke who 'tis : O Sir (said he) a most courteous creature ; how he stands, and looks upon himselfe ; his Combe is out, and Beard-brush : nay you have an excellent legge ! O fine Calfe ! So, stroake up your fortop in any case : pish ! your band hangs right enough, what ; yet more crevises in your Stockings ! fye upon it, fye, now out upon it fie ! How complementall he kisseth his hand, as if he were in love with it. He carries a Blew coate on his backe S^r. and is feathered like a Countrey fore-horse.
      Let him waite awhile, 'tis his office (as being a Serving-man.) A Serving-man is the shadow, his M^r. the Sun-dyall : as the tayle of a horse, stirres after the body, so moves this / p.37 / creature ; This fellow is no drunkard, perhaps, yet not his owne man ; He is commonly a pretty boy, then a handsome stripling, and now (I warrant) a proper man : peevish in his child-hood, proud in his youth, prodigall in his best yeers. He spends his portion in hope of preferment, prunes and trickes up himselfe in hope of a rich marriage ; the best dish he feeds on, (tho he fills his belly with other good meats) is hope. His greatest happinesse is to Court the Chambermaides, to whom he sings ; or, to man the wayting-gentlewoman into the fields, and then he still turnes backe and laughes, to shew he's in grace ; or else, to make other gentlemens followers drunk : whom his Master favours, he fawnes upon ; whom his Mistris frownes on, he frumpes : He would soone prove a Joyner, he makes legs ; only his sleeve is a gentleman, and beares Armes : He is in no one obligation, yet bound to runne at calls, rise at all houres, and ride in all weathers. What his Master leaves, hee eats ; what he casts off, he weares, (if he can get it;) so that he is the Ante-ambulo of a Gentlewoman, the consequent of Gentleman, the Ante-cedent of a Cloke-bagge. A Servingman, Call him in.

      He entred, as briske as a Tayler at his own wedding, and said, sir, what my Fortune has bin, and is, I know ; and what shall be, I come to know of you : what I am, my Livery shewes ; what in time I may be, I would have your learning shew. I live among Ladies, see beauties every day ; waite on / p.38 / a Knight, eat good meat every meale ; and meet with brave ragges (my Knights Tayler cuts out for me) as he does for him : his Caroch is sometimes mine, his Taverne-drinkings mine, his Playes at Blackfriers, or Cock-pit mine : whatsoever is his at first hand, is mine at second : (his wenches now and then before him) yet what of all this ; this is no Sea to maintaine mee for ever in fishing : Service is but a glowing fire, it heats, but not through ; I beseech you therefore tell me when I shall sit by a bouncing Sea-coale fire of mine owne Fortune, not to go out from Winters end, to Winters end. And I am your Servant, Durante vita.

      Why then, sayes Orlotto, because I know you are full of Agitation, like the Wheele of a perpetuall motion, here is your Fortune in a few words.
      It is no shame to serve ; for One serves all us : Would you rise higher then you are ? drinking stiffly, or domineering proudly cannot do't. Are you in a good Service ? keepe it ; least when you would have such another, you goe without it : would you thrive ? catch Time by the shoulder, for if you let him passe by, hee comes no more at your call : for Time, though hee bee an old man, is an excellent footman ; no Shockatory comes neere him if hee once get the start, hee's gone, and you gone too. If you gather no eares of Corn in the Summer of your youth, in the Winter of Age, you shall eat no bread ; but either leape at a crust, and begge or / p.39 / starve : and then if Povertie and Age walke together, every foot-boy shall looke over the shoulder at you ; and every Scullion in your Ladies Kitchin jeere you ; scorn'd as an old Woman that was wonton in her youth : Then all your fine fegawes will be rip'd up, and all your follies laid in your dish : have you at any time done wrong ? now it will bee reveng'd in your want and weaknesse : When an old Lion had never a tooth in's head, then the Asse bit him. Are you in a good place ? strive to deserve it : what you get, keep ; what you spend, make use of : Are you trusted ? deceive not such a Master : By this small harvest, you may gather golden sheaffes enough to fill your little Barne ; So fare you well. The Serving man offered him halfe his quarters wages, but he would none, and away out at gate he went.

      More crowding (quoth Orlotto,) wee shall bee crowded to death : looke out Boy, at the top-Mast, and see what ships come sayling. O Sir (said Joculo, some Gally-asse richly rigg'd, and I warrant richly laden ; 'tis a Man by his face, a Monster by his clothes, for hee's in a Gowne cleane through Fox'd, yet is he sober ; the haire of his head short as his eyebrowes, and yet an ill favoured beard, as if he durst not trust a Barber with his Throat ; hee drinks Whey sure, he lookes / p.40 / so pale ; and his Jackett is faced with a scurvy Latine word call'd Fur ; a small Ruffe, set with a Tobacco-pipe ; Gloves under his Girdle like an Usurer, and Rings on his fingers like a Juggler : He thumps again, hee's in haste, and here he comes tumbling.

      Jew, Jew, honest Sir ! Thou art a cunning-man ; I am a man out of my wits, for if I stay long, I am undone : Not to lie to thee, Gold is my god, Silver my Saint, Bonds are my deare Bookes ; an Obligation ! better then fat Venison ; Scriveners are my Cookes ; couzening-Brokers my Boylingmen ; and Sergeants my Turne-Spits that roast Rogues in prison, till they pay me my sweet Moneys, hony, hony-Moneys : I am a Lion if I paw an Heire ; a Beare if I fang a Citizen ; I am a money-monger of Fortie in the hundred : Now thou knowest what I am, (Jew) tell me what I shall bee ; my Fortune, my Fortune, Come, shall I live long ? does not my Wife picke my Counting-house ? plot not Theeves how to rob mee ? and then I hang my selfe ; say, say Jew, I'm a Jew too) dispatch mee.

      That I will (said Orlotto) to the Devill for hee must have thee, unlesse mercie save thee : thou art in hast, and heers thy hastie Fortune ; Thou shalt injoy much, yet embrace / p.41 / nothing ; ever have, and ever want : thou art Master to thy Money, and a slave to thy Muck ; thou shalt live in terror, mistrust thy Wife for stealing from thee ; curse thy children if they peepe but in at the key-hole where thy Mamon lies. And for this cause thy Wife shall wish thee hang'd, thy children laugh when they goe in mourning ; and being dead, a thousand peales of dire execrations throw thee into thy grave, upon which, poor men whom thou hast rackt in prizes, shal dance for joy ; and tottered Beggers, (whom thou calledst thy dogges) pisse there on thy face in scorne ; Out, out, Cur-Jew, cried the Mydas, and so hobled home, as fast as his legges could trot under him.

      Wee shall never be quiet (said Orlotto) another beates, looke out Joculo, what customer now, who is it ?
      O Sir, (cried the Garsoon,) an Elephant ; no, 'tis a man roll'd hither in a dry-fat, how he tumbles ; some Whale sure gotten to land, no ; 'tis a Manning-tree Oxe with a pudding in his belly : I'm afraid 'tis the Grecian horse, for in he cannot come, unlesse you breake downe your gates ; so, so, hee's entred with much adoe, like a Gentlewoman with a huge bum; now hee squats downe, how he blowes, for hee is broken winded. But sir, sir, now I take a full view of him, I know the beast ; and have seen him / p.42 / wallow in the streets : describe the monster as thou paint'st him out, said his Master ; yes sir, (quoth the Ladde,) and this it is :

      Hee's a great man, yet a Constable carries more authoritie : let his consort be never so merry, hee is ever heavy ; no Herauld can give a Lord greater and fairer Armes ; hee is no Three-penie ordinarie dinner : when Wood (the huge eater in Kent, has devour'd a Porkling of 7 shil., a brest of veal, 12 couple of Rabbets, and as many Puddings as will make Rayles round about More-fields, this greedy-gut shall swallow him : he cranches Capons, as fast as an Ape cracks Nuts ; he tosses a Pike (if it be in White-broth) better then any Souldier : he is, a curse to Pasties ; a tormenter of Poultry, a sepulchre to Lobsters ; a terrible Sheep-biter ; a horrible Mutton-monger ; a Gorbelly-Glutton : See, sir, the Beare is at Stake.

      A Chaire, a Chaire, sweet Master Jew, a Chaire : All that I say, is this ; I'me a fat man, it has been a West-Indian voyage for me to come reeking hither ; a Kitchin stuffe-wench might pick up a living, by following me, for the fat which I loose in stradling : I doe not live by the sweat of my brows, but am almost dead with sweating, I eate much, but can talke little ; Sir John Old-castle was my great grand- / p.43 / fathers fathers Uncle, I come of a huge kindred, and of you desire to learne, whether my Fortune be to die a yeere, or two, hence, or to grow bigger, if I continue as I doe in feeding, (for, my victuals I cannot leave :) Say, say, mercifull Jew, what shall become of me.

      Before your Fortune comes (said Orlotto) Take some counsell. You say, you are a fat man ; I see it, you feele it : How came you so fat ? by feeding : And why fed you so much ? because you are one of Natures Monsters, that eate of your owne Mother. Man is not borne a Glutton, he makes himselfe one ; your Belly is your god, and a Cooke the Saint you pray to ; A full table is your blessing, and yet, a full table is your curse ; By eating a great deale, you eat up your selfe ; for like an Oxe, the fatter he growes, the sooner he goes to the slaughter ; so you shorten your journey to the land of Wormes ; You sit upon thornes, And upon this Thorne growes your Fortune.
      Your Body (as it is) shall ever be an Hospitall full of Diseases ; your Minde, a thick Mud, a standing Puddle ; your Soule dwells in a stinking house, yet was brought up to be an excellent housewife ; your Gutts shall, to your dying day, be a Dunghill ; Here is your misery, No woman shall marry you, had you never so much, or if any do, she shall loathe to lie by such a mountaine of uglinesse ; your Countrey will hate you, because she knowes not how to imploy you, for / p.44 / you are fit for nothing, but to eat, drinke, and sleep ; by which meanes you are an idle man, and an idle man is the Devills Cushion. All the good you can do, you shall make an excellent Feast in your grave ; Pray for a Famine, for if that Surgeon cannot worke upon your body, and eate away the proud flesh, such a plentifull yeere as this, must put you to the charge of a longer girdle, so that you shall never live in any compasse, untill a Coffin imbrace you, for which I wish you provide ; let your Soule feed upon heavenly Manna, you have too much earth in you, so take heed you be not benighted. Fare you well. Ile fare as well as I can (answered he) and tumbled away.

A Jealous Man comes to know his Fortune.

      Is this Beast mad (cried the Jew) that keepes this rapping in such hast ? let him coole his heeles, and know better manners ; who is it, Joculo ?
      A melancholy Hee-Cat (sir) said the cracke, a wilde man, a staring man ; hee looks behinde him, as if a Kennell of Citie-hounds had him in chace : hee sighes, and beats his breast, and wrings his hands ; some penitent Christian : Hoyda ! now he stamps, (I guesse what hee is) and feeles for Bumpes in his forehead.
      Some jealous foole (said Orlotto) I warrant, if it be, he's his owne Beadle, and needs no other Executioner. Is his Wife faire ? though never so honest, she's false : Is she witty ? / p.45 / she's then (he sayes) a wanton ; speakes any Gallant to her, hee wooes her ; smiles shee on him, there's a promise : Is shee merry at home ? tis but to mocke him ; is she sad ? she will anon be merry abroad : Is she gone forth ? then his head akes, and heart pants ; stayes shee out long, then hee's horn mad ; and runs bellowing like a Bull, up and downe to finde his Cow. And see sir (said Joculo) hee's broke loose and come in.

The Jealous Mans speech.

      Orlotto seeing the man so gastly and wilde in his lookes, staring round about him ; asked him, what he made there, and what he would have.
      A Wife—a Wife, a Wife (honest father Jew) I would have, That's the thing I looke for ; I shall finde her soone, but I feare I feele her now on my forehead ; Shee's wonderous faire in mine eye, and red Queen-Apples are tempting fruit : If she sits in my shop, my stalle is my hell, feathered Gallants talke to her, cheapning her, take her by the hand, looke Babies in her eyes ; I am then full of Customers a—foole to such Customers ; send her away, No body cheapens any thing : Shee's my heaven, Shee's my hell : O deare Jew tell me, Am I a Cuckold or no ! put my head out of this miserable paine, I shall run mad else ; what! what! O, say, in a word, what's my Fortune, my hard Cornuted-Fortune.

/ p.46 /

The Jealous-mans Fortune

      Your Fortune (said Orlotto) whatsoever Fate sets downe in her unchangeable booke for you, you (in spite of Fate) will have such a Fortune, as your own head (without your Wifes hand) thrusts upon you : you will cry up your selfe a Cuckold, be your Wife as chaste as you, and must winde a Horne, albeit you weare none. Feare makes you foolish ; and a confidence that your Wife is false, leaves you distrustfull. Cannot a Woman be hansome, but shee's a Harlot ? can she not be absent, but she playes foule ? But say your feares were true, why do you torment your Soule, when ther's no remedy ? Sores past Cure, should be past Care ; that which is done, cannot be undone : If she be a good wife, you wrong her to make her bad ; If she be bad, all your raving cannot make her good ; it is not the worke of man, such wonders are wrought by Heaven. Is she (for all your idle and causelesse Jealousie) Chast ? why then, no woing can tempt her, no gold overcome her, no pleasure poyson her, no peevishnesse of yours, make her crooked. But if she will be loose, you shall never binde her ; if she will, she will. Locks shall not barre her, nor Doores imprison her, nor Stone-walls ram her up ; if her minde hath wings, over will she flie, and her body shall mount.
      Your Fortune therefore is ; If you cannot alter your beliefe, then you shall be your owne Martyr, still living in torments, never dying in them, till they and you die together : your body shall grow leane with fretting ; your face pale with / p.47 / your feares ; your goods melt away by your carelessenesse ; yet you full of Care : Age will clap you on the shoulder, whil'st you are yong, and your head grow white before you are old. Your Children you will not love, because you suspect they are Bastards : your meat you will hardly touch, mistrusting shee will poyson it : you shall never be merry at heart, never sleepe soundly, never sit, but sigh ; never walke, but distracted ; And never die, but in despaire to leave her to any other, whom you so desire to ingrosse to your selfe. Your best way, is to thinke the best, and judge the best.—Ptrooh (cryed he) Beware-Hornes, and so, like an Oxe, broke loose and ran out at gate.

---

A Lover comes to know his Fortune.

      Who next? (said Orlotto) I heare one at gate, and 'tis a temperate knocker, What is he ? O sir, said Joculo, 'Tis a pale yong man, his eyes are sunk in's head, Cheekes leane, and Lips bloodlesse ; very neat in Cloathes, his Armes a-crosse, so hard pressing his stomack, that out flyes a Sigh, and hangs at his Band-string, tumbling there in a little hoope of Gold. Now he reades, And now he sighs agen, and turnes up the white o' th' eye.
      By all these dead Colours, he should, said Orlotto, be some Inamorato, some passionate Lover. O, he's here of himselfe : Young-man, you are welcome, What ayle your eyes ? have you bin crying ?

/ p.48 /

      Crying! (said he) O eyes! no eyes but fountains full of Teares. A line in Jeronimo (cryed the Boy.)

The Lovers speech.

      I confesse it, said the Lover, 'tis in Jeronimo, and I am Jeronimo ; for I have a son murdred ; the sonne of my mother is made away by the cruelty of a Maid ; I am Iphis, She Anaxarete : Sir, I am by profession, a Puny-Clerke, and serve in the Chancery ; my Masters daughters eyes has bewitcht me, and I am mad, directly mad. Sayes Orlotto, Doth the Maid love you ? Love me! cryed out the Lover, with a head hung aside, and hands heav'd up. This is Daniels Delia, cryed Joculo. True, said th' other, for I am Daniel, shee my Delia :

O had she not been faire, and so unkinde, My Muse had slept ; and none had knowne her minde.

Were it not (admired Hebrew) that I fed upon these scrapps of Poetry, this Maid would famish me : I am, as I said before, a Chancery Moate playing in the Sun-beames of that conscionable Court ; a true Chancery-man has but one Pen, so have I, one pen, one mistris : and yet for all the Bills of Complaint, which I draw, and put up to her beauty, shee serves me still with Sub-pæna upon Sub-pæna, to answer to the Intergatories of her cruelty : She has Demurs, and Replications, and Rejoynders ; but my case hangs, and no order can I get set downe in this tedious Court of Cupid, she / p.49 / undoes me at my very desk ; for when I am copying out a Bill with 12, or 14 lines in a sheet, if I but thinke on her, I lash out such wide stradling F F. that my conscience methinks, runs between the gowty legs of them.

The Lovers Fortune.

      To whom, the Jew, thus ; Yong-man, I am sorry you so over-conceit my ability, to imagine I can call downe a Starre, or that a Starre can come at my call, to satisfie you, or any man in such an idlenesse.
      You say, you are a Clarke, and Clarkes should have some seeds of Schollers in them. Remember, Otia si tollas, follow the heeles of your Law, and looke not at the fine foot of your Mistresse ; ply your Chancery-deske, and forget your Masters Coy Daughter, if she moves in a sphear too high for you, stand not staring up, least dust fall into your eyes : you are young, and handsome, and may meet her equall, to like you better, and love you better ; whistle not a hauke to your fist, that is haggard ; let her alone, till some other lures her downe : see this coy Thing married, and bear Children, and looke pale and leane, and ill-favour'd, hear her tongue to her husband, see her pride over her Servants, and then, be glad thou hast missed such a torment : but if no counsell can warne you, Then here is your Fortune.
      You shall lie on your backe (in your bed) like an Astronomer, to take the height of this Starre, yet never reach it : an Ague cannot so shake you, as this sicknesse ; it will turne / p.50 / to our Cupids Calentures in time, and make you throw your selfe over-board into a desperate Grave ; you shall save much meate by your fasting, but will have drinke in abundance from your eyes ; one sigh is too much to cast away upon a cruell one : but you by your sighing, will be nothing but ayre ; no mourners shall come to your Funerall, for the death of a meere Lover, is ridiculous ; you should bee buried naked, because Love goes so, and your eyes thrust out by Cupids Arrows, because having sight given to an excellent end, (to looke up to Heaven, and to practise Astrologicall conclusions upon that Cælestiall Globe) when upon Earth, your eye is made Surveyor of all the great works under the King of kings : you tosse the balls of those eyes, onely at the beauty of a foolish yong wanton, who with disdaine, bandies them back into your owne bosome. You delight I see to deale a little in Verse, your Fortune shall bee shut up in Verse.

That Lover, whom proud beauty makes more bold, Sits by a painted fire ; dyes through cold.

      The Lover went away, with this onely in his mouth,

Hei mihi quòd nullis amor est medicabilis herbis.

Ah ! wo is me, no Physicke can discover, Where that herb grows, which cures a wounded Lover.

/ p.51 /

A Witch comes to know her Fortune.

      The Lover, (who said hee was bewitched) was no sooner gone, but a Witch came in ; for the Gates flew open as if the Divell had been a Fencer, to make way before her. At sight of this strange apparition, blesse us (said Joculo) I have been in Lapland, and here I thinke comes one of the bear-ey'd Bell-dames, with a hand-kercher tyed full of knots to sell a winde to us.

The Witches speech.

      Haile Jew (quoth the Witch so soone as she spied him,) I could finde in my heart, to call down the Moone by a Charme, I am so vex'd ; poor hobling old Woman, I pluck down the Moone ! so can I turne Bun-hill yonder into the highest mountaine in the World, and all one. My staffe here carries my shrievell'd carcasse no sooner through the streets but men jeere mee, out Witch cry women, whilst the boyes hoot, fling stones, and runne afore me, with a Witch, a Witch, a Witch, only in their mouthes ; would I endure this, if I were a Witch ? if I were a Witch, would I not be reveng'd ? I would, I would by Snap, Tracer, Smirk, if there be any such spirits. But I would know by these barking Currs why they thus bite at me ? why bite they not the glorious Witches in the kingdome ? why bite they not them ? why burne they not them ? are there not gay painted Witches, hurried in Caroches ? from whose eyes, Lust / p.52 / kindles Bone-fires ? from whose naked paps (laid out) wantons suck the milk of time ; are there not ruffling Sattin-Witches, that turne whole Lordships to Wardrobes of rich clothes ; that turn Acres into gold Lace ; Ploughs and Teames into Flanders Mares and Coches ? are there not City-Witches, that turne their husbands Shoppes of wares to sumptuous Tables, and close garden riots ; wasting more in one yeere, then was scraped together in seven ? These are the fine Witches, and none dare abuse them ; but because I am a deformed creature, I am a course Witch, and every body tels me I shall be burnt ; for what am I to be burnt ? for cursing yong rogues that follow me, they die within a day or two ; must I therfore bewitch them ? tell me now thou sweet fac'd Jew, what shall become of me ? shall Newgate be my Inne ? is't my Fortune to have a good fire to warme me ere I die ? fetch then the Faggots and the Reeds, for I am weary of this World. Say Jew, what's my Fortune ?

The Witches Fortune.

      To whom, Orlotto, thus :   Woman, that thou art a Witch, or no ; for all thy opinion of my skill is beyond my knowledge : But if thou art one, then will I tell thee what Monster thou art.
      A Witch is the Devills Otter-hound, living both on Land and Sea, and doing mischiefe in either ; she kills more beasts, then a licensed Butcher in Lent, yet is nere the fatter ; shee's but a dry Nurse for the Flesh, yet gives suck to the Spirit. / p.53 / A Witch ! rides many times poast on hellish businesses, yet if a Ladder do but stop her, shee'll be hang'd ere shee goes any further. In all her life-time shee has but one Cause tryed at Law, and where others pay for expedition, she findes such dispatch, that in three or foure dayes at most, she hath both Judgement and Execution come forth.
      A Hangman is the last man she parts with, from whom if she askes any thing, he puts her off: when her life is weighing Anchor, and hoysing Saile, her ship (the Conscience) is of great burden, and unlesse she hath mighty helpe to cast all her Sinnes over-Board, her lading is lost for ever, in turning of a hand. What death soever shee's put to, shee can be no Martyr, yet suffers for the Truth. A Witch, This is the Picture ; If you bee the Person, and mend not your life, (alter not your courses,) This is your Fortune, To die wretchedly, And after death, Live miserable Eternally.
      The old Woman limp'd Grumbling, Mumbling, and Cursing, away.

A Roaring Boy comes to know his Fortune.

      As the Witch stumbled out at the Gate, a Gallant all in Scarlet, met her, and had almost jusselled her downe ; at which she went away muttering, and he came forward laughing : who is that (said Orlotto) is so merry ; some Morris-dancer ? what's that rings so ? O (quoth the Boy) Mr. this is a brave man, in a long horse-mans Coat, (or gown / p.54 / rather) down to his heels, daub'd thicke with gold Lace ; a huge Feather in his spangled Hat, a Lock to his shoulders playing with the Winde, a Steeletto hanging at his Girdle ; Belt and Sword embracing his body, and the ring of Bells you heare, are his gingling Cathern-wheele spurs. See sir, here comes the leader of the Myrmidons.
      Wher's this Jew (cried the Ruffler,) your businesse (said Orlotto.)

The Roaring Boyes speech.

      O (quoth he) are you this rare fellow ? Jew, I would have thee know, I am a man of the Sword ; a Battoon Gallant, one of our Dammees, a bouncing Boy, a kicker of Bawdes, a tyrant over Puncks, a terrour to Fencers, a mewer of Playes, a jeerer of Poets, a gallon-pot-flinger, in rugged English, a Roarer. Fighting is my food, Blood my drink, quarrell my glory, stabbing my triumph ; out of wounds I drinke healths, and out of healths I beget wounds. A man I kill'd but last weeke, and am bound to answer it, A fico ; I care not this : he that dares fight, dares dye ; and he that dares dye, makes a foole of Life.
      Some would not kill a man for the World, and what care I if I had stab'd a World? your greater kill-cowes have ever (besides Butchers) beene the bravest men. Jew, I have read History, and Chronicles ; and am such a Duellist, that it fattens me, and fattens mee, when I heare of a Combat well perform'd ; gashes, and slashes I honour, knee-deep in Gore, oh ! then I Roare.

/ p.55 /

      Ever since man was made a Cutler, killing has been in fashion ; men and women have been good at it : Medea, kild her Brother ; Jugurth, his; Antiochus the Great, his; Romulus, his; an English King first thrust out his Brothers eyes, then kild him with starving. Alexius, (a fine roague) kill'd Isaac Angelus the Emperour, who brought him from the Oar, and the Bulls-pizle. Nero, kild his Mother ; Husbands have kill'd their Wives ; Wives their Husbands; Kings, their Queenes ; Queenes, their Kings. The King of Pontus slew his Wife Laodice ; That cuckolds Brother (Agamemnon) dyed by his Wifes treachery. These stories I love, these Tragedies are my Comedies ; why (Jew) dost thou so eye my Habit, is't not rich ? is't not brave ? yes said Orlotto, but somewhat phantasticke ; so much the better, (cry'd the other) the more phantasticke men and women are, the sooner Fashions alter ; the more they alter, the more worke has the Tayler, the more work he does, the richer he growes ; the richer the Subject growes, more honour to the Country, and therefore nothing is lost by phantasticallity. But now Jew to the cause of my coming, I would faine know of thee what luck, Good or Bad, that Whore, Fortune, purposes to conferre upon me.

The Roaring Boy, his Fortune.

      Sir, what lies within the Circle of my apprehension, shall be yours ; you say you are a Roarer, Lions roare, and yet at one time or other are out-roar'd : delight you in blood ? your / p.56 / delight will be your downfall ;  Judges sit in Scarlet to condemn men, and a Crimson sword shall condemn you : nothing is so superstitious as the life of man, and nothing so pernitious as to spill it : the anoynting of Kings is not so sacred, as the slucing out of blood is detestable : when man loves man, he lives with his Maker ; when man kils man, hee dwels (without repentance) with the Devill. Your Fortune is, if you goe on in your Roaring, on in your fighting, on in your stabbing, on in your killing ; you shall be fear'd by some, hated by All : none will pray for you but Surgeons ; but the Wife and Children, kindred, and friends of him whom you have kild, or whom you shall kill, will curse you for ever.
      After your quarrels, your stabbing and fighting, your sleeps will be full of frights, your walking by day ful of feares, of Constables, and Warrants, and Pistols, so to bee kild suddenly, and unprepar'd for mercy, is dreadfull : and you must look so to dye, if you compell others to dye so, your life being a continuall Warre, what peace can attend upon your death ? This is all I can say to you, the path to Heaven, is a milky way ; not a bloudy : that milky way is for milk-shoppes (cryed the Roarer) and so farewell Jew.

---

The voluntary Banckrupt would know his Fortune.

      Who comes next, said Orlotto? one knocks, looke out Joculo ; I know not (said hee) what he is, but it seems to be / p.57 / some Aldermans deputy by his Beard ; a Church-warden by his gravity, and a Constable by his surly face. Judge else, he's here.

The Banckrupts speech.

      Learned Jew, wisedome ever attend you ; sir, I am a Citizen, and my ambition is, to beare up the reputation of such a name : I love to swimme, but it is death for me to sink ; to be call'd a wealthy Citizen, is my minde, as great an honour as to bee call'd Bethlem-Gabor, or Spinola, or Tilley, they fight for glory, (and we Citizens strive for Riches) and is more glorious, than to muster an Army of golden angels on a Table.
      The secrets of many Trades I know ; and their od wayes, tricks, devices, pollicies, knaveries to get money ; and none dare tax them : none will, because all (for the most part) are Black-a-Mores as well as themselves : who in an Hospitall, will upbraid his fellow with my disease, when hee that reviles the other, lies himselfe there sick of the Pox. I, seeing this corruption in all Professions, doe not greatly care to be corrupt too : being among Crows, why should not I bee ravenous, and learne to pecke out eyes ? when all the people in the World are Doves, then will I be a Turtle.
      Some care not whom they undoe, so they may scrape Pelfe together ; I think therefore it is no great sinne to undoe the undoers. A voluntary Banckrupt then is a necessary member in a City ; a sword of Justice, to punish offenders; a good Ant before-hand in Summer to bee armed / p.58 / for Winter : an indulgent nurse to himself, and a carefull Father to his Family. Is it not a wretched reproach for a man, a Citizen, a great Trader, a busie Shop-keeper to leave his Wife poor, and his Children beggars ? that scandall will I fan off from mine, and my posterity : for (Jew) I am not asham'd to tell you, that I have playd the Jew with my Christian-brother-Citizens ; have got into my hands the goods of many, to enrich one, (that' s my selfe ;) what care I for being called Banckrupt: why should Ludgate be more disgrace to me than any other gate ? do I not see a company of brave fellows live there ? are not their fine Wives, as merry with them there, as at home ? have they not Pasties of Venison there, and bottles of Wine upon bottles ? are they not full of Gold and Silver ? can they not lye at their owne houses, when they list, and walke abroad when they list; if there be not the clogge of an Execution tyed to their legge ? who then would not breake ? who would not lie there ?   O ! but to lie there, and spend other mens money ! doe not all Shop-keepers, that sweare and lie put off bad Commodities, spend others estates so too ?
      I would gladly therefore (O noble Jew) bee informed from your knowledge in the influences of the Stars, what Fortune shall be mistresse over these goods, thus gotten ; and what honor I may raise my selfe and Children to, if the goods can bee kept together.

/ p.59 /

The voluntary Banckrupts Fortune.

      To whom the Jew thus replyed, to take a Purse by the High-way, albeit it bee manly, yet it is villany : he yet ventures his life in the taking of it, and his neck, when it is taken ; a traveller may bee arm'd against such a mischiefe : the Thiefe robs but one ; O ! but to get mens goods, by a faire way of friendly trading ; and then to improverish the owner of them, what robbery is like it? there are many wayes to prevent a Thiefe, a voluntary Banckrupt, none. Such a Land-Pirat steals not from one, but from hundreds ; he does undoe Towns in the Country, if he deales with Chapmen, whole streets in the City ; whole Families in severall Parishes. What Fortune now, thinke you, can attend upon such doings. This Fortune, and this shall be yours.
      If either by cozenage, tricks in Law, or by any other divellish net, you goe a fishing for other mens estates, you shall have the curse of masters of families, the wo-worths of mothers ; the lack-and-well-adaes of Children ; and the bitter execrations of Servants. You shall bee all your life-time counted but a Thiefe, your Wife pointed at, for jetting in stolne [lit.] feathers ; and your children hated worse than Bastards : flourish you may a while in the World : you may laugh, drinke Wine, and be free from Prison, upon paying Ten groats or so in the Pound ; and then you may set up againe, and breake againe ; and play the Thiefe againe, but the hanging comes in the end.

/ p.60 /

      You Break, and 'tis a proper word, for you break the hearts of undone Citizens ; what follows ? when you come to die, there's no breaking away then ; to come to die, makes a foole of all your cunning ; all your cozenage : to come to die, puzzels the most politicke Banckrupt : hee's never put to his trumps but at that hour : It is the terrible reckoning (then) the fearfullest casting up what every mans Ware comes to, whom you have cheated : the hardest lesson that flesh and bloud can take forth : you shall on your death-bed rave, and sweare, you see undone Orphans crying, and wringing their hands : your sinnes will stand round about you : conscience (all spotted) ringing one Bell in your right eare, and despaire, another in the left : hell gaping for his share, the grave for his ; and then if an arme Omnipotent flings not by the Curtains, to take you by the hand, with a voice ; crying, Restore thy stolne goods ; aud [lit.] then come away, and fear nothing : what a miserable Fortune will this bee to you. The Banckrupt held down his head, as asham'd ; said nothing, and so parted.

---

A Sergeant of London comes to know his Fortune.

      Who is that (said Orlotto) that beates with such authority? Marry, sayes the Boy, by his quick eye, a Mace in his hand, and a Gowne on his back, It should be an Officer. I feare no arrests, quoth the Jew, call him in.

/ p.61 /

The Sergeants speech.

      Tho I come to thee, learned Sir, with this Copper Pestle in my hand, it is to shew you what I am (a Sergeant of London :) What I have been, is delivered in three words, (a Citizen of London, A broken Citizen,) and yet having some money in my hands, I laid by my trade, and bought this Office. I know, the sight of such a Gowne, hath put many into Agues ; This Scepter of authority (but laid on a mans shoulder) hath bruised all his Bones, yet Mace is wholesome. Many, in scorne, call us (by a base nick-name) Catchpolls, But what care I for that, when I know the Profession is honest, and a Christain Calling. When Knights and Swaggerers in the world, take up Commodities, and run in debt to honest Shop-keepers, And that they (like a guard of Muffes) every morning, waite at their doores to get their money, yet come without it ; Then the honest Officer has a Charme in his hand to fetch in all such Debts : What a sweet Chime in the eare of a Citizen is, I arrest you, to a Gallant that is deepe in his books ? were it not for men of my Coate, how many shop-keepers would bee undone ? what frayes, and what frights would there be in the City by Roarers; but that they dare not come hither for feare of our faces ? this looke of mine, through a red Lattice, has been as killing, as a Musquet out of a Loop-hole.
      And what doe we, when lovingly we embrace a mans middle ; wee come behinde him, because wee would not fright him too much ; and to shew wee are good subjects, we Arrest all in the Kings name.

/ p.62 /

      Arrest ! O sweet word ! O word of peace ! for, when Gentlemen are weary with Riding, or trotting after Lawyers ; we bring them to a Rest, a quiet Rest : we are their Doctors, they our Patients ; and what Physicke doe we minister ? none but gentle physick at first ; a cup of burnt-wine in a Tavern in Winter, or Wine and Sugar in Summer : if these Glisters cannot give them easie stooles, then wee gently lead them into the Compter, and there give them a vomit, to fetch up all the melancholly stuffing in their bodies : and what is the Compter ? is it not a Colledge where they may study ? is it not the Paper-house, a Book, where they may read what they are, and learne to turne over a new leafe ? yes sure.
      Now Sir, all I desire at your hands, is to know whether by my place (my trade of shoulder-clapping) I shall ever come to any good, or no ; that is, whether I shall ever be Rich.

The Sergeants Fortune.

      You may, if you get your mony with no rugged hands. If you rack Gentlemen, when they are in your hands, Take heed of the Temple-garden, lest you fall into the Thames. If you hale a poore Tradesman to prison, he crying, He shall never come out, but is undone for ever, And that you know before he is arrested, that it will undoe him ; your Fortune will be one day, to finde a flaw in your Conscience for that Fee so taken. If you care not how desperately you venture on Gallants, because if they cut or stab you, you such money out of wounds, and recover, by Law, great / p.63 / summes for little scratches ; Your Fortune shall be to scape, One, Two, or Three such Roaring Degoes, but a fourth will give you that which you can never recover. I doe not discommend your Calling, but your Cruelty : use all men gently, and then, some shall speake nobly of you, and give you that Character which sticks upon few of your Tribe, An honest Sergeant. Hee thanked him, and offered to Arrest for him, either Jew, or Christian : and so tooke his leave, to waite on the Sheriffe his Master.

---

A Thiefe comes to know his Fortune.

      Looke out Boy (said Orlotto) Another knocks. I see (quoth Joculo) a man, and a Head standing upon shoulders, but it has no face, That's muffled in a cloake lined through with Velvet. The Head has a long Lock, and a thick Bush, It may be a Thiefe lurks in it. See, sir, hee's come.
      Are you, (said the Thiefe) that Jew so talked on for your skill ? What's your businesse ? said Orlotto.

The Thiefes speech.

      I am then (noble Jew) a Gentleman by birth, and a younger Brother, by the sluggishnesse of my Father, who made not haste enough to beget me, before the rest of my brothers ; So that having no lands left me, I make shift / p.64 / to pick out a living at my fingers ends. I have been a Thiefe these fifteen yeeres, and am not yet ashamed of my Occupation. Why (if I be the Kings Subject) shall not the Kings High-way allow me Maintenance, when no body else will?
      I see, every Sessions, Carts full drawne up Holbourne, Farewell they ; these are Riff-raffe Theeves, the Scum of a State, Pilferers, Pickpockets, and Cut-purses : But a brave Purse-taker, is the Great-Turke of Cavileroes, to such bastardly Handy-Crafts.
      To play the Thiefe, is a part studied both by Sea and Land : Men in dicing will juggle in false ones, and what's that but Thriving ? All that are voluntary Bankrupts are Theeves. How many Rich men steale to the beds of Whores ? And how many faire Women, to the beds of Knaves ? If then, examples can give priviledges, my Robbing is warrantable. A lusty, hardy, tall Thiefe, who (tho himselfe rides on a good Gelding, yet cryes to him whom hee meets, Stand) may be a Leader of men, for he does such Courtisies to them on the way, that he bindes them to him. All Executors that rob Orphans of their portions, are Theeves, and deserve more to be hang'd then a Purser. A Purser is a good place, in a ship, but I hold my Pursing-place better on shore. I pray, Jew, tell me whether I was not borne under Mercury, (for he is the Thiefes Planet) and what, if I continue in my Trade, I must trust too ? My Fortune, speake quickly.

/ p.65 /

The Thiefes Fortune.

      You must, said Orlotto, trust to be Trussed up. And so farewell.
      Jew, quoth he, would I had thee but on Gads-hill, I am not Noos'd yet : and so stole away as he came in, Muffled.

---

A Hang-man comes to know his Fortune.

      As the Thiefe went out at gate, one met him.
      Is there any body else, said Orlotto. Yes, said Joculo, I see one comming, who meeting the Pursy Gallant full at gate, looked back at him, shooke his head, and lifted up one finger, as if he should say, Aha ! do I know thee. What he is, let himselfe tell you, for this is the party.

The Hangmans speech.

      Which, I pray, is the Cunning-man ? said he. I met a Yonker at your gate, who if he came to looke his Fortune, might have saved his labour, and found out me ; I know him, and shall one day, I feare, tell him the last Fortune that ever he shall lay hold on.
      Why, said Orlotto, what are you ?   I am, quoth he, a man that have few fellowes in England ; no Butcher, yet deale altogether in Mans and Womans flesh, yet, for all that, / p.66 / I am no Caniball. I am the Ladder of the Law, by which many Malefactors climbe up the steps of Reformation : No grand Jury-man am I, yet sit upon life and death as often as any of them doth. A Rope-maker is my back friend, yet my man : A Carman drives my Coach, and the Sergeants of London are my guard of Billmen. I am no Gentleman borne, yet sometimes keepe Gentlemen at my heels, for I have land (a little piece of ground) on this side Paddington, and such as are my Tenants, there pay me what we bargaine for; all this description of my selfe, shews, that albeit I met a tall rank Thiefe at your gates, yet I am a true hangman, an officer of the City by my place, and at all Executions of Justice I am seated highest, for all the other Officers are under me : a hangman (some thinke, 'tis a word of disgrace, a title of infamy.) What are they then that behind their backs hang one another ? for my part I make peace, and draw quarrelling companies to a-Cord : your roaring Boyes whom whole streets of Constables (now and then) cannot tame, when they come under my fingers, are as hush'd as Schoole-boyes.
      Why then is the trade of hanging such a reproach to me ? is it not a word used in Noble-mens houses as an honour to such places, these are costly rich hangings ? when a Lady is passionate, and full of sorrow, do you not say she hangs the head ? do not Women hang about their husbands neckes, and innocent Children about their Mothers ? This word hanging is no such scurvy English as the Gallowes-Audience take it to be ; the word is ancient, and signifies much : to some it is a Deaths-head; the very sound of the word (hanging) makes / p.67 / many a one that is altogether unlettered, to fall to his Booke, and learne his Neck-verse : how many base fellowes whom some thought would never have come to good, yet in my company do not only pray heartily themselves, but request others to pray for them? You now know who I am, and with what Broome I use to sweepe the Common-wealth of Enormities : yet because I am hated, revil'd by crack-halters, scolded at by fish-wives, and oftentimes after an Execution, almost beaten to death by them. I pray (Mr. Jew) bestow a cast of your Office upon me (a poor member of the law) by telling me my Fortune whether I shall die in my bed, or no, or what else shal happen to me ; and if ever any theeving Tartarian should break in upon you, I will with both hands nimbly lend a cast of my office to him.

The Hangmans Fortune.

      Sayes Orlotto, I should be sorry ever to trouble you that way (in your Precinct :) what you are, I know by the woefull experience of others ; a Retainer to a violent Death ; and a kind of Purveyor to him, taking up his provision, as Axes, Ropes, Cords, Knives, Gibbets, Racks, Ladders, &c. your place in the garden of a State is to cut downe Briers, and pluck up Weeds : your office (if you call it an office) is, I confesse, as necessary as a Surgeons ; hee cures Wounds, you Wickednes. Shall I tell you in what account a fellow of your hempen qualities is held in Germany ? when he comes to take his oath, there's a new stool made for him, upon / p.68 / which he sits bareheaded before the Burgers (his Masters) and there laying his hand on a Book, he's sworn to betray Father, Mother, Kindred, Friend, or Foe : and there being bidden to rise up (Thief-leader ;) He has a kicke on the taile given him, and the stoole before his face, burnt in the fire ; prepared for that purpose onely, as unfit for any other man to sit upon it ; Any one that doth but drinke with him, being thought a Schellum, and as infamous as the Carnifex himselfe, but in England you are not so branded. Would you know your Fortune ? If all the World were honest, you might goe hang your selfe ; for you should (else) have no Worke ; the diseases of a City must keepe you sound ; the worser the Rabble or Rogues are, the better you thrive : Witches, Traytors, and Murderers, shall be to your last day your best Benefactors ; and yet for all your Wardrobes of hanged mens clothes ; for all your dozen of shirts at a time made at the Gallowes, you must be content to live a Threedbare Knave, and die a begger.
      No blessing can follow such a cursed tormenter ; thy dreams shall be of nothing but of wry mouthes, blabbed tongues, knots under the eare, and poore tottred wretches stript and tumbled stark naked into a nasty pit one upon another :   Whether thou shalt die in thy bed or no, my spirits are so dogged, they will not tell me ; hope the best : But if (as others of thy coate,) thou by touching Pitch continually art defiled, as they were ; then be sure to take thy leave of the World like a hangman. With a looke (as if hee had beene going to the Gallowes) hee went away.

/ p.69 /

Tiburne comes to know his Fortune.

      A Thiefe going off the stage but a little before, and the hangman entring presently after; who (if not Tiburne) should step in next ?  Joculo therefore standing on Tipto to looke toward the Gate, was halfe afraid, shook, and grew pale: what ail'st thou (said his Master,) O sir cryed he ; yonder is a Thing comming hither that is no man, and yet no monster ; Hee knew the Hangman, and shooke him by the unlucky golls : It hath Three Feet, and no Head that I see, (at least no Face ;) yet it weares a Three Cornered Cappe ; a goodly Timberd Gentleman it is, if it bee a Gentleman ; looke, looke, (O Master,) with much adoe, it hath crowded in. The Jew was agast to behold such a motion ; but then it thus spake ;

Tiburnes speech.

      Wonder not Jew, nor be afrighted to see a dead Tree thus remov'd from his Center ; neither admire that I speake and have a voice, for so many comming on fatall Errands to mee from Newgate, they (at my home) loose their lives ; and all their voyces flie into me. That Trees have motion, you see in every field how they wanton with the winds, that they sometimes speake. Remember Æneas his tearing downe Boughes to prepare a Sacrifice ; which Boughes ran with bloud : and then a voyce out of a Tree discovering the / p.70 / murder of Polidore, who there lay buried. Remember the old verse of a Lute speaking thus ;

Alive i' th Woods, till Blowes me fell'd to' th ground, Dumb, Living ; Dead, I yeeld a heavenly sound.

      Now albeit these Patterns did not priviledge mee ; yet I have had to doe with so many Witches, Magitians, Conjurers, and great Schollers : that by the Charmes (learnt from them) it is easie for mee : thus to come to you, and thus to salute you.
      My name is famous through England, and in other Countreys ; of a long standing am I ; and of great practice for that which I professe, and yet my name is not so ill as some would have it: For my right name is Tey-Bourne, and not Tiburne. Bourne, signifies a River ; and the River Tey, runs by me, sending his loue in Pipes to Holbourne : So, Tey-bourne feeds Holbourne ; and Holbourne, Tiburne.
      I am cursed for hanging so many every Sessions ; alas, I send not for them, they are brought to mee ; and shall not I doe my office : I take no pleasure in mens deaths. Yet I confesse it delights mee when Carts full of Traytors (that would blow up a Kingdome) stand round about me ; I have seene fine fellowes on their prauncers ride by mee, shaking their wands at me, laughing and jeering mee to my face ; yet within one fortnight after, I have had them under my fingers. Alas poor Tiburne, little doth the World know what I feele : I endure Haile, Snow, Frosts, Lightning, and Thunder in the day time ; I am cursed, scorned, and hacked with Swords ; in the night, the ghosts of men and women, buried there, come / p.71 / round about my fields groaning, and shrieking, and wishing, those that have beene brought to the last turning off from one of my ladders, yet were repriev'd, and sent backe, to amend their courses : and counselling all such that are likely to go Westward, to saile by a better Compasse ; and not to make my Narrow Sea their way to Heaven.
      Now, ever learned and reverend Jew ; say what shall become of me, what shall I doe. What Fortune will the fates hang upon my shoulder.

Tiburnes Fortune.

      This said Orlotto.
      Thou shalt stand long in earth, but not grow higher ; and (old) be hewne, and throwne into the fire : at which word it vanished. I have not heard (said Joculo) such a talking Gallowes ; but sir, the clocke of my belly bids me tell you 'tis Noone. So the Jew arose, and forc'd me to stay Diner.



[ p.73 ]  (image of page 73)

The Man in the Moone telling Strange  Fortunes; or, The English Fortune-Teller. Nihil sub sole certum. London, 1609.

[ p.75 ]

The

Man in the Moone.

       To his worthie friend, M. Thomas Smith of Clarkenwell, and gentleman to the Right Honorable the Lord Lesle, Lord Chamberlane to the queene's most excellent Majestie.

      GENTLE SIR, to rippe up the excellent parts abiding in you might be reputed parasiticall by many, and offensive to you, whom I know no whit vaine glorious : to disclose your kindnesse towards my weake deserving would be accounted follie, that I could not receive a benefit, but make all the world acquainted therewith : to desire you secure this poore infant of my braine with your favour, as with Ajax shield, were too trite an imitation, an apes tricke : therefore leaving fawning to flatterers, and offence to him that mindes it, bequeathing follie to such as will not keepe their owne councell, and imitation to them that cannot invent, I doe plainely present this part of my love unto you.   Your ever loving

W. M.

[ p.76 ]

To the Reader

      GOOD fortune to you, for the fortune-teller meaneth so, whatsoever you thinke :  if his attendant Opinion decipher you plainely, his fashion is not to make faire figures of deformed bodies :  if his page, Mockso, gibe at your ill manners, it is to make you mend them ; and if hee himselfe, the principall, cutteth you to the quicke, know that hee is no cogging chirurgion : what false orthographie escapeth in the print, impute to the hast of the supravisor of the proofes, for I have read the spelling booke ; what blame you put on the penning lay upon mee, it will make mee wiser.

W. M.

[ p.77 ]  (image of page 77)

The

Man  in  the  Moone

telling

Strange  Fortunes;

or,

The  English  Fortune-teller.

      TRAVELLING a long journey, and striving one day beyond my reach, the sudden approach of the night prevented me, so that being unexperienced in the way, and seeing no reasonable creature to direct me, I was affrighted. The starres stared upon me, beastes looked wistly after me, battes flew about mine eares, and the owle whooted over mine head : no plow-men whistling alongst the fallowes ; no shepheard singing over the downes ; the partrage was not diseased by the spaniell ; the hare stole his foode without feare of the hue and crie of hounds and hunters. Whistnesse had taken possession of the woods ; stilnes made aboad in the fieldes, and darkenes domineered in the zodiacke ; no light had I to see my footsteps ; no voice heard I to make unto. Thus / p.78 / I wandred, I knew not where ; came to a place, I knew not whether ; and had a glimsse of one sitting in a porch, I knew not whom. A while I stood aloofe, leaning on my staffe like a wearied pilgrime, and meditated with myselfe whether fortunately, or unhappily, I stumbled thither. By the solitarinesse of the house I judged it a lodge in a forrest, but there was no bawling of dogges thereabout ; by the multiplicity of barnes I thought it some farmer's tenement, but there was no grunting of swine neare it; by the moate about it seemed some gentleman's mannor, but I could espie no wagges watching, nor wantons wagging out to breath themselves when their maddam was covered ; what it was, after I had eaten a little heart a grasse, which grew at my feete, I feared not, and who was the owner I greatly cared not, but boldly accosted him, and desired house-roome ; he pried in my face, tooke me by the hand, ledde me into his house, placed me in a chaire by the fire, and without any intergatories saluted me courteously, and went into an other roome. Strange it was, and struck me in some dumpes, but considering his gentle action and gravity I a little revived ; for he was of yeares many, of stature reasonable, of complexion sanguine, no pride in his apparell, no sullennesse in his lookes, silence sate in his hall, and sobriety in his butteries, temperance in his kitchen, and chastitie in his chambers, no scoulding with his cookes, nor carousing with his serving-men. This I observed, and sat very sadly, till a striplin requested me to follow him where the old man sat at a table furnished, not superfluously, but with sufficient nourishment ; downe he bad me sit and welcome. Grace he / p.79 / said (then thought I, there is no feare in this place if there be grace), that which stood before me I fed on, and dranke when neede required : being well refreshed, as he beganne with thanksgiving, so he ended supper, and then said thus soberly unto me. "Sonne, you might marveile at your entertainement, and repute mee mute, or simple, to use no more words nor circumstances at my first view of you, but it is my fashion, as they which know me, know. For suppose I should aske you what you are ? A stranger I know you are, and being a stranger unto me you may say as well what you are not as what you are : had I demaunded whence you came, or whither you would, for the one you might have told me a contrary tale, and for the other your selfe is uncertaine : from what parentage you are descended I might question you, it is frivolous and womanish, if your qualities be degenerate ; how you were educated I might examine you, it is superfluous, your demeanour will informe me : fall to your meate I might have bidden you, it is needlesse if you had a stomacke : drinke to you I might, it may be I desire no further acquaintance of you, till I knowe your conditions further ; but howsoever if you be my friend to use you unkindly were ingratitude : are you mine enemy ? to use you friendly is charity ; if you are capable you do understand my meaning, and shall know more ere we part : if you are ignorant you may tast part of my mind by the meat, drinke, and lodging I bestowe gratis upon you." This is short and sensible, thought I, and made him this answere in his own dialect :— " Sir, if I could not gratifie your kindnesse with loving words you might deem me rusticall ; if I should not labour to / p.80 / repay your love with my kindest requitall you might esteeme mee unthankefull ; but seeing I cannot instantly performe the one, I will remaine your debter in very deede, and in one word heartily thanke you for this unexpected courtesie, and howsoever I may seeme rude and illiterate, yet was I long trained up where good manners grew and learning flourished." " I was once, myselfe, a lover of the Muses too," said hee, " but I had a running head, and would take no settled course ; many countries have I travelled, and beheld sundrie manners, but when age beganne to tame that never otherwise suppressable indomitam juventutem, I pent myselfe in this house, where I have long time beene resident : much preferment might I have mounted to, but I knew it troublesome, plus aloes quam mellis habens: choise of wives I might have made, but by the triall of others I perceived them but mala necessaria, inconvenient commodities : great riches could I have gathered, but I found them fuller of perturbations than pleasures : if I might live alwaies, perchance then I should make me a tabernacle upon earth, but considering how small a time I have allotted in the earth I respected riches as the sand I trample on ; rejected honour as a bubble, a puffe of winde, vocem populi, a meere sound, and weighed women as lightlie as fethers. No, my sonne, that which God hath bestowed upon me I am contented withall. If I am now base, my griefe is the lesse, I was never better : if I am poore, my sorrow is the fuisse fœlicem ; I was never richer, yet have I that which sufficeth nature. And this is my greatest griefe, because I have separated myselfe from the world, and labour to helpe such as want, and wil take paines / p.81 / to come to me, aut consolando aut consilio aut re, I am accounted, amongst the silly, a cunning man, a south-sayer or deviner, one that can tell fortunes."
      " Beleeve me, sir," said I, " it is so bruted here about, and that tomorrow many will resort unto you to knowe their fortunes, whereof I was one, not with purpose to know my fortune, for I thinke it proper only to the Omnipotent."
      " You say well, and it is my affliction that they should attribute that to me which perteineth to my Maker : yet since I am constrained I will shew them their fortunes, and what will betide them every one : but now, seeing it waxeth late and you wearie, I referre you to your rest for this part of the night, and in the morning you shall heare more." Kindly we parted, and the next day, when I was up and ready, I found the olde man seated in a chaire : who willed me to take my place as a spectator.
      He sat very soberly, like Hypocrates ; his beard was reverent, and his face wrinckled, a plaine gowne, girded close about his loynes, a paire of blacke buskins upon his legges, a fur'd night-cap on his head, and a paire of thicke mittens upon his hands : on his left-side stood a pert juvinall, as readie to give the welcome to all commers as a boy in a barre, and as nimble as a parasite in an old commodie : he was called Mockso, which in mocking sort described unto Fido the fantasticallity of each man's apparell, and apishnesse of gesture, who by their apparell and gesture would give a shrewd guesse at their inclinations.
      On the right-side stood another, but of riper yeares, and more stayed carriage, yet somewhat criticall and taunting ; / p.82 / he cognominated him Opinion, whom he had so throughly instructed in phisiognomie that he would anotonize any ones condition at the first sight, and so apparently display them, that Fido, his master, would tell what would betide them : thus were these three addressed as actors : Mockso described the habite and gesture ; Opinion reveiled their conditions. Fido tolde every man his fortune as he came unto him for the same intent. Long had they not seated, but one knocked at the gate, as if he meant to burst it open. " See who is there," said Fido. Mockso skipped to the doore, giving every one the fœlicem adventum, and returned, saying :

The description of the Drunkard comming in a merrie
humour to know his fortune by Mockso.
      " Syr, I may be glad I had never a beard, hee would have singed it with his flaming nose ; whatsoever he be hee is troubled with an horses disease, the staggers. I thinke your pales anger him, he doth justle them on both sides : oake, he saith, they are made of, and spitteth whole pottles against them ; eheu quid faciam : what a hue is his face of? and his teeth as nastie as if they laie in a grave these seven yeres : his cloake will never hide his knaverie, it is so tattered ; and his breeches will shame all if he take wide strides ; hee hath no hat-band, nor girdle, they lie in trouble for two cannes ; now he setteth his hat on the toe side, and commeth sailing in like a shippe in a tempestuous tide."

/ p.83 /

The opinion of the Drunkard.
      " This fellow is one of the faithfull, as they prophanelie terme him," said Opinion ; " no Heliogabalus at meat, but he will drinke many degrees beyond a Dutchman ; if you love him, pledge that health, and if you be a good fellow, make no more such snuffes : his kingdome is an alehouse, and his scepter a can, which is seldome out of his hand : you queanes, or knaves, he crieth, no attendance upon gentlemen here, though he be but a tinker : fill us the other dozen, it is but taking Ludgate one yeare sooner : then hee flingeth the glasses against the wals, as if they cost nothing, and daunceth a round about a can, as if it were a May-pole : then he doth drivell his hostesse, and will dallie with any that weareth a crosse-cloth : then hee careth not for a deare yeare, nor to pay his landlord, but all that hee can get, or borrow, goeth to the pot : to be briefe with him, hee is his master's hinderance, if he be a servant : his servants torment, if he be a master : his wife's crosse, if he be an husband : his childrens beggering, if he be a father : his owne ruine whatsoever he is, a detested drunkard."

/ p.84 /

Fido, the Fortune-teller's oration to the Drunkard,
wherein he telleth him his fortune.
      True is the proverbe, though fustie to fine wits, When the drinke is in, the wit is out : but seeing you have set abroach the drinke, and drawne out all the dregs too, we may gather the wit is in ; the vice you are so addicted to is drunkennesse ; the mother of all mischiefe, the fewell of filthinesse, the roote of rogeries, the distemperance of the head, the subversion of the senses, the shipwracke of honestie, the losse of time, and voluntaire madnesse ; an ignominious languor, the detestation of manners, the disgrace of life : abhorred of God, detested of angels, derided of men. Yet although it be thus horribly detestable and ridiculous to God, angels, and men ; though it be thus prejudicial to your soule, body, and substance, yet were it a more easie matter to drawe Hercules his club out of his hand then to drive you, or any of your crew, from this filthie sinne : but you would turne like the dogge to his vomite, let me, or any other, perswade you as we can : and that which causeth me to be thus opinioned, you are so delighted therewith that you preferre the pleasure thereof before all other preferment ; and now I thinke of it, I remember a prettie tale, not impertinent to the same purpose. A gentleman of good worth, as he was riding alongst the highway, mette a sturdie fellow, who requested his almes : the gentleman replied that it was shame for him to begge, being yong and lustie, he was able to worke, or fit to serve, if he were in apparell. True, sir, said the begger, / p.85 / but apparell is not so easily gotten by such a poore man as myselfe. Goe home with mee, said the gentleman, and I will suite thee new, and thou shalt waite upon mee. Sir, answered the begger, I have a good suite of apparell in the next village which lieth not for above eightpence, if you will helpe me to that first I shall thinke myselfe beholding unto you, and will tell you more. The gentleman rid him as he ledde him : who brought him to an alehouse, and request him to alight, and enter with him. The gentleman was contented, and sat down, expecting when he would call for his apparell, that he might redeeme it, and take him along with him : the beggar called to his hostesse, saying ; Hostesse, bring hither my shirt ; shee brought him a black pot of ale, which he drank off : now, said he, bring me my dublet, then she brought him another pot of ale, which he dranke off : now my breeches ; another pot she brought him, that he dranke off : now bring my hose and shooes ; then she brought him two blacke pots of ale, those he drank off : now my hat-band and cloake ; then she brought him three blacke pots of ale, which he dranke off : when he had done this, he said : Gentleman, this is the suite I told you off, and now I have it I thinke I am as well apparelled as an emperour. The gentleman, smiling, paied for this ale, and departed ; so some of you, might it advantage them never so much, will never forsake their drunkennesse. This, therefore, is your fortune; you shall spend all your money, and runne so long on the score that the very wind-pipe of your credite shall bee so choakt, that if you doe not drinke it out with readie pay your hostesse will kicke you out of her doores : your wife will / p.86 / wish you in your grave ; your friendes be ashamed of you ; your enemies triumph over you : sober men shall shunne your companie ; boyes laugh at you as you passe by them : your bodie shall bee subject to diseases : you shall live with never a penie in your purse ; never a tatter on your backe ; no man will commit any matter of trust, or secresie, unto you ; and, in fine, you shall lie and die in some ditch, under some staule, or in some prison. If you like your fortune, proceede as you have hithertoo : but if you abandon it, better fortune will betide you."
      The drunkard began to come prettily well to himselfe, and walked somwhat soberlie aside : and then Mokso whipped to the gate.

---

The Tobackonist commeth in a bravado to the Fortune-teller :
Mockso describeth him as he approached.

      " Who is that ?" said Fido. "Sir," quoth Mockso, " I know not certainlie, but I thinke he cometh to play you a fitte of mirthe, for I behelde pipes in his pockette ; now he draweth forth his tinder-boxe and his touch-wood, and falleth to his tacklings : sure his throate is on fire, the smoake flyeth so fast from his mouth : blesse his beard with a bazen of water, least he burne it: some terrible thing hee taketh, it maketh him pant and looke pale, and hath an odious taste, he spitteth so after it. A boule and a broome, some bodie ! if he holdeth on thus long hee will make / p.87 / a puddle in your porch, and keepeth such a snuffing and puffing that he maketh all smoake again."

Opinion of the Tobackonist.

      "O have patience, Mockso," said Opinion, " he is at his breake-fast: it is his heaven, or rather hell: I should thinke it sendeth forth such mistes, fogges, and vapours, five chimnies, well fewel'd, vent not more smoake then his mouth and nostrils : a man were better have his house situated between two brewhouses then abut upon his mansion ; I had rather thrust my head into a Jakes then peepe into his chamber. And nothing so noisome were it to bee yeoman to a close stoole, as to continue within fortie foote of his breathing, yet is the causer of these inconveniences meat and drinke to him, and he loveth it above the love of women : it is his morning's draught, when he riseth ; his conserves or cates, when he hath well dined ; his afternoones nuncions, and when he goeth to bedde, his posset smoaking-hote ; hee will not walke farre, nor talke long without it: nay, he will lose his victuals rather then neglect it : pawne his hat-band but he will have it. To be breefe with him, he is his owne strengths enfeebler, his beauties blemisher, his wittes blunter, his memories decayer, and his appetites abater ;—a toyish tobackonist.

/ p.88 /

The Oration of Fido to the Tobackonist,
shewing his fortune.

      " Sir," said Fido, " if I should extract the best counsell I coulde, being disswasive from your tobacko-taking, you would take it in snuffe, custome hath so strongly combined you thereunto, that it were too indissoluble a knot for me to untye : yet this let me tell you, that it is as an incensed Atropos to a long life, clipping off the thred before it be thoroughly spun, decaying and drying up the prolonger of breath : but you are perswaded, as others few, that it doth procure the contrary : you thinke it a medicine for every maladie ; give you tobacko, and a figge for the physitian : say it were physicke, as you affirme, yet physicke is not taken at al times and seasons, continually without interim ; neither is one kind of physicke administered to all bodies, constitutions, and diseases : but tobacko may bee compared to the potion which Circe gave to Ulisses souldiers, metamorphosing them into swine ; so this pretious weede, as you esteeme it, doth so selfe-besot those which take it, that, like swine, they wallow in the myre of their admiring conceits ; that neither reason can rule them, nor experience of others harmes, sustained thereby, make them refraine. I will not denie that conceit may worke wonders : but those wonders are onely in conceite ; as I have heard of some, who through an irreformable conceit, have imagined their noses to be as bigge as pinnicles to flye in the ayre, contend and quell divels by their owne naturall strength : so you, onely by conceit, / p.89 / thinke richly of the operation of your Indian pudding, having contrarie qualities in it, a thing repugnant to philosophy and working miraculous matters, a quillit above nature : as if you be fat, then you take it to make you leane (against the walles I hope you meane): if leane, then it will make you fat, put V. and S. to fat and I will beleeve you : if dull, quicke witted ; if oblivious, revive your memories ; doing these things and many more ; and helping all manner of diseases, the poxe it will as soone. But I could easily refute these, and all your opinions, had not this texte beene thoroughly traver'st and condemned, with great judgement and learning, in a solemne disputation ; and in the booke entituled, Worke for a Chimnie-sweeper : and were there as many volumnes written concerning this subject as Didimus wrote of the Grammer, you would martyre them, leafe by leafe, and light your pipes at the flame. Nitimur in vetitum, that which wisedome doth forbid folly will follow. This, therefore, is your fortune; if you leave not taking your Indian stuffe betime, custome will so confirme you to it, that when you perceive the inconveniences, and feel the folly thereof, you cannot forsake it, though you will. You shall die before your date ; your body shall be in subjection to sundrie sicknesse, and so sooted with the smoake thereof, that it will be as foule as hell, sending forth such a filthy sent that your breath will bee death to your wife, or any that sent it, but such as yourselfe."
      Aside the tobackonist stepped, and another knocked at the gate.

/ p.90 /

The Prodigall commeth stalking in to know his fortune :
Mockso deciphering his apparrell and gate.
      " Who is that ?" said Fido.
      Mockso answered ; " Sir, I know not of what countrey, nation, sex, or fashion he is. His face is like a man's, but by the tone side of his head like a woman : some purblinde barber powled him, to cut his haire so unequally, and leave one locke a quarter of a yard longer then the other : by the blocke of his head (put them both together, and see what they spell) he should bee a Spaniard, but his dublet sheweth him a Frenchman ; now I see his breeches made like a paire of smith's bellowes, erected with the small end upwards : he seemeth a Wolloone : marrie, there is no excesse in his cloake ! he tooke the lengthe thereof by the old apes of Paris Garden : a sweete youth, no doubt, for he hath two roses on his shoes, to qualifie the heat of his feete ; he looketh very bigly, and commeth prauncing in."

Opinion of the Prodigall
      " This prauncer," said Opinion, " hath beene a wilde colt, and leaped thorough many honest men's gates in his dayes : he was his father's dotage, and his mother's darling ; he hath spent more upon his paunch then the primate of belly gods : gusled downe his throate more then Cleopatra quaffed in a bravado to Marke Anthonie : layed more gold upon his backe then that which procured passage for the asse into the castle / p.91 / would defray : naturall meat will not suffice him, he feedeth artificially : native apparell will not content him, he flieth for uplandish fashions : honest matrimonie is not for his loines, hee watcheth nightly, and walketh by day, to entrappe other mens wives : he is never safe but when he is in pestilent companie : never well but when he is evill employed : whores he supporteth, vintners he advanceth, tailers he maketh gentlemen, if he be not too farre in their bookes : to be briefe, he is Lecherie, Mæcenas, idlenesse patrone, Pride's founder, Gluttonies erector, Drunkennesse good god-father : an impudent prodigall."

The Fortune-teller's oration to the Prodigall, declaring the
inconveniences of dissolute living, and his fortune.
      " Sir, you are generously descended, the greater is your shame to expose yourselfe to an ignoble course of living : much riches were you bequeathed, the more is the pittie you have so little grace to misemploy them ; well are you featured, it is ill bestowed unlesse you would preserve your beautie better : for that which God and nature have ordeined for your good, by your ill using you turne to your owne overthrowe. Had your progenitors runne the race you doe, they had never wonne the golden ball which made you a gentleman : you assume it an eminence, to be rarely arrayed : others, being wise, are not so conceited : you suppose it a great glory to lash your coyne, you care not where, nor upon whom ; though they will advance you, which receive benefites thereby, / p.92 / yet such as will not profite themselves by such meanes, resemble you to a candle, which wasteth itselfe to give others light : you esteeme it an extraordinarie happinesse to be in favour with many and sundry beauties : you shall feele the contrarie, pride will procure your fall, when you wot not of it ; excesse devoure your riches ere you are aware ; variety decay your bodie when you thinke it doth most delight it ; and when your bodie is decayed, your wealth devoured, yourselfe fallen, goe to your gossips, which now will hang like goodly jewels about your necke, and come with your purse emptie : stabis, Homere, foras, you may stand like an impecunious whoremaster at their doores. Come to your tradesmen, which now cappe and cringe you, and see if you shall receive any further comfort, then monefull words, alasse, it is pittie, would wee were able (good wishes for themselves); and last of al, frequent the ordinaries, which you have in a manner enriched, and marke how they will moane their own mischances, how they sit at an unmerciful rent ; what losses they have susteined by pilfering ; how many have runne away in their debts, and a thousand such circumstances, which you never heard, nor are likely, so long as you have money or meanes.

Dum juvet et ridet vultu fortuna sereno,     Indelibatas cuncta sequuntur opes ; At simul intonuit fugiunt, nec noscitur ulli     Agminibus comitum qui modo cinctus erat.

      " Whilst you are mounted on the throne of fortune, great men will countenance you, gallants be your associates, / p.93 / parasites flatter you, brokers borrow for you, usurers lend you, citizens cap you, lawyers plead for you, serving-men crouch to you, wantons hang like burres upon you ; but when you are dejected under the wheele of chance, great men will not greatly regard you, gallants hoist their toppes and toppe-gallants and saile from you, flatterers shun you, brokers will not brooke you, usurers use you rigorously, tradesmen treade on the to side [lit.] of the way, lawyers leave you, serving-men hang the head as they meete you, wantons wish, or worke your overthrowe. This, therefore, is your fortune ; if you proceede as you have begunne, your full feeding wil make you leane, your drinking too many healthes will take all health from you, your leaping the pale will cause you looke pale, your too close following the fashion will bring you out of all forme and fashion, your carelesse life will lead you to a miserable death : yet you may prevent your misfortunes if now you will take opportunity : you have some wealth left, husband it carefully : of a little, well ordered, will rise more profite then much carelesly disposed : yet your wit is pregnant, by industrie you may season it with wisedome : yet your bodie is not past cure, new-bred diseases are soone remedied : if you scoffe at me for my good will, you may repent when you lie like a nutmegge in a grate, or ride post with a hempen halter out of the world ; but if you accept it, much good may it doe you."
      The gallant very pensively walked aside, and Mockso went to the gate.

/ p.94 /

The Serving-man waiting on this gallant commeth in to know
his fortune, whom Mockso decyphereth.
      " What is it ?" said Fido.
      " A most courteous creature," answered Mockso, " so stroke up your fore-toppe in any case ; pish, your band hangeth right enough : what, yet more crevises in your stockings ? fie upon it, how complementall he is, and kisseth his hand as if he were in love with it.

Opinion of the Serving-man.
     " This fellow," said Opinion, " though he be no drunkard, yet he is none of his owne man : he was a pretty boy, an handsome stripling, and is a proper man ; peevish in his childhood, proude in his youth, prodigall now in his best yeares : he spendeth his portion in hope of preferment, wasteth his substance in liewe of advancement, consumeth quite all in expectation of some requitall ; his greatest felicity is to court the chamber-maides in a corner, and his chiefest exercise to make his masters friends dependants drunke ; hee fawneth upon them his master favoureth, and frumpeth those his mistresse frownes on ; he was trained up in some point of a joyner's trade, to make legges ; and the best part of his rhetoricke is, ' I forsooth,' and ' no forsooth :' the injunctions he standeth bounde too is, to runne at all calles, rise at all houres, and ride in all seasons : eating that which his master left, and wearing that which his / p.95 / master left, if hee can get it : which sheweth that he is the ante-ambulo of a gentlewoman, the consequent of a gentleman, the antecedent of a port-mantua, or a cloke-bagge : a serving-man."

Fidoes oration to the Serving-man, teaching him brieflye
how to behave himselfe in service, and telling
him his fortune.
      " Ingratefull and hard hearted are many of our age, respecting none but such as profite and pleasure them at the instant : industrious, therefore, ought you be to get your master's favour ; and having gotten it, circumspect to keepe the same : and, albeit, some there are respecting their services no longer then they supplie their lustes and lucre, thrusting them out of their gates, unrewarded, for the smallest trifle and displeasure conceived against them : yet the world knoweth, and thousands will acknowledge the fluent liberality of true bred gentillity extended to their followers ; who, by the raising hand of their lord's assistance, have ascended many high and loftie steppes of dignity : but such masters are not sowne everie where, neither were they swaggering drunkards or swearing Jackes, which have thus flourishingly sprowted up by service, but men of good demeanor, and well qualified : for the wise looke not only on the outsides, they prie into behaviour, integritie, and uprightnesse. It is not profound quaffing or domineering will doe you any good ; roysting and ryoting wil never raise you, unlesse up to / p.96 / the gallowes. This, therefore, is your fortune ; if you be in good service and will not with care and diligence keepe you in it, when you would have the like againe you shall goe without it : if you take time you may thrive, but, if you let him passe by, you may call your heart out, and never reclaime him ; for Time, though hee be an olde man, yet he is quicke of foote, and having gotten the start of any is never overtaken : if you gather nothing in the summer of your youth, in the winter of your age you may goe begge ; for hee that might doe well and would not, when hee wanteth shalbe unpittied, and when you become old, and poore too, then shall you be spurned with the heele of disdaine by every foote-boy ; rejected as an old woman which spent her youth wantonly ; then shall you heare of your olde vagaries, your former follies shal be laide in your dish : if in your jollity you wronged any, they will wait for revenge in the time of your want and weakenesse : when the lion was olde and toothlesse the asse revenged an inveterate injurie he had sustained long before : but now you are in place, if you demeane yourselfe honestly now you are young, preserve that you get carefully : now you are in service, performe it faithfully : you may hereafter purchase much comfort, goods, and credit."
      So the creature followed his master, and another knocked at the gate.

/ p.97 /

The lewde Woman commeth to knowe her fortune,
whom Mockso describeth entring.
      " Who is that ?" said Fido.
      " One with a maske forsooth, because you may aske," said Mockso. " A woman of tall stature and upright bodie (it is wel if her life be like it), high forehead, round cheeks, dimpled chinne, sleeke necke, and slender waste ; in a light coloured hat, light coloured fanne, light coloured gown ; though she were in the darke, she would appeare a light woman."

Opinion anatomizing the conditions of the wicked Woman.
      " O," said Opinion, "this is one of your lazie, liquerous, lascivious, femenine ingenderers ; more wavering then a wethercocke, more wanton then an ape, more wicked then an infidell, the very sinke of sensuality and poole of putrifaction ; a Sylla to citizens, and Caribdis to countrie-men ; a comfort for cut-purses, and a companion for cony-catchers ; a factor for many taverns, and benefactor for most barber-surgeons ; a palsie to the bodie, a canker to the soule, a consumption to the purse ; by birth commonly a bastard, by nature a caniball, by art a Puritan ; in aluring a syren, in shew a saint, in deede a divell, and, in plaine English, a whoore : of all iniquities beleeve her not, for shee liveth by lying ; touch her not, for she is pitch, inquinans omnes qui tangunt eam : proffer her nothing, for she wil pocke-eat al. And now, sir, shee appeareth in her lightnesse before you."

/ p.98 /

The Fortune-teller's oration to the mercinarie wicked Woman ;
declaring the abomination of her life and fortune.
      " Faire creature, as I have beene effectually informed of your conditions, so would I labour to reforme them : but I might with as great hopes undertake to make a Black-More white as to change your minde, and easier raise an olde oake from the earth with my decrepit shoulders then roote out that lust which hath so long time beene set in your heart ; yet if you would consider the inconveniences thereof, which are to effeminate the minde, weaken the bodie, endanger the soule, it might prove a motive to disswade : you would account yourselfe madd, if knowing poison to be blended in a lumpe of sugar you should for the sweetnesse of the suger swallowe the poyson : what then can you make now of yourselfe, knowing lust a pleasant poyson ; hindering your health, ingendering diseases, bringing age before his time, blemishing your beauty ere it be out of the blossome, dulling your wit before it be well grounded, and drawing your minde from all vertuous cogitations : this you know for certainty, yet you will live in sensuality, disdaining Diana, and be a votarie to Venus ; contemning Vesta, and devoting yourselfe to quotidiall daliance ; making a mock at marriage, you will not enter into the bondes thereof because you will live loosely, without controll or subjection of an husband : yet are you servile to all slaverie, and subject to the controlement of every swaggerer ; he that / p.99 / hath money may command you ; he that can dominere will insult over you, making you crouch and curvet when he pleaseth. But if no warning wil make you wise, this then will be your fortune. You shall be ferrited like a cony out of every burrow, baited like a beare, whipped like a jade ; long shall you not dare to abide in one place, authority will so closely pursue you : what you get in a quarter you shall spend in a moneth ; nothing that you get will prosper with you, and what beauty and delectation your body now containeth shall be of small continuance ; your haire, which now is fast and thick, shall fall from your head like leaves in autumne ; your forehead, which now is smooth, shall soone be wrinkled like parched parchment: your complexion, which now is sanguine, shall be of a saffron colour : your cheekes, thinne ; your nosethrils, putrifactious : your mouth, toothlesse ; your breath, noysome ; your flesh, rotten ; your bones, cankerous ; your pleasure shall be turned into paine ; your singing into sorrow : aches shall lodge in your head, anguish in your heart, diseases in every part and parcell of your body, and after all these, thy soule suffer perpetuall torments."
      Aside she walked, and Mockso, without any knocking, skipped to the doore, for the wagge imagined shee could not want companions, or servants, in this age, so long as her good face lasted.

/ p.100 /

The Retainer which waited on the Woman entereth to know
his fortune, whom Mockso describeth as hee enters.
      " Is there any other come ?" said Fido.
      " There is one comming," answered Mockso, " he will scarce see the way in, his haire hangeth so in his light : Fatuus in facie, et leno in corpore. He looketh fat in the face, and leane in the body : how full of choler he is ! yet so long as those huge slops swagge about him, he will be in some compasse : his bootes are wrinkled, as though they were made of olde wives' faces : what ! capt on the toes ? sure he will not put off one of those caps to the best man that meeteth him, and in sober sadnesse his spurres have scaped a scouring, they looke so rustily ; whatsoever he be, I thinke he would prove an honest man if hee would wash his face and serve God."

Opinion upon the Retainer.
      " Serve God !" said Opinion, " the devill he will as soone ! hee hath not seene the insides of a church these seven yeares, unlesse with devotion to pick a pocket, or pervert some honest man's wife he would on purpose be pued withall : villanie is his contemplation, ribaldrie his talke, and detestation his deedes ; cardes and his darlings, wherewith he playeth, and a paire of dice his onely Paradice : he will omit no villanie he can cleanly commit ; he will cheat his father, cosen his mother, and cony-catch his owne sister ; if he can / p.101 / imagine the meanes how, his owne wife he will make a prostitute for mony, and hold the candle to any incarnate divell whilst he committeth the deedes of darknesse with her ; sixepence will make him sweare or forsweare anything : in a word, he is a post for puncks, an harbinger for whoremongers, a bloodhound for bawdes, a perfidious pander."

Fido, his speech to the Pander, shewing his lewdnesse
and fortune.
      " O lamentable, thy case is damnable, thy trade odious, thy selfe abominable, thou art a man whose conditions I know not by experience, neither have I reade of many such as thyselfe in auncient writers ; yet some of thy sect there were of whom I tooke little notice, because I never meant to have any commerse with them : notwithstanding, seeing I have heard so much, I could amply delate of thy sinne, but I know it needlesse, for my hope is, I have dejected the foundation whereon all thy practises are built, I meane the woman, thy mistresse, which was even now with me, and if shee fall from her former follie thou canst not stand, unlesse thou gettest some crooked prop to support thee, which cannot hold long ; expect, therefore, no other fortune then untimely death, either by the stab in some drunken fray, managed in the defence of your maintainer, or by some disease got by her, or by the halter, if you do not alter."
      Away the Pander walked after his mistresse, and another knocked at the gate.

/ p.102 /

The Extortioner hobleth to know his fortune, and is described
by Mockso as he entereth.
      " Who is that," said Fido, " that commeth next ?"
      " Vetus, vietus, veternosus senex : a wise man ile warrant him, for he can keepe himselfe warme : no friend to the barber it should seeme by his rusticall, overgrowne, and unfinified beard : his gowne is throughly foxt, yet he is sober, for hee looketh as though he quenched his thirst with whay and water rather then with wine and stout beere, and his mandilion edged round about with the stigmaticall Latine word, fur ; a ruffe about his neck, not like a ruffian, but inch broad, with small sets, as if a peece of a tobacco-pipe had beene his poking-stick ; his gloves are thrust under his girdle, that you may see how he rings his fingers, blesse his worship ; now he commeth coughing in."

Opinion of the Extortioner comming to know his fortune.
      " He is," said Opinion, "miser qui nummos admiratur ; miserable, or an able miser, which maketh much of money, gold is his god, and silver his saint ; bondes are his bibles, and obligations his horizons ; scriveners are his priests, which doe his service, and cousoning brokers his Christian brethren. Security is his secretarie, and sergeants his serving-men : he liveth by use like a bawde, and dealeth deceitfully, like a cheating gamester ; he is a rare alchimist, which from a little gold or silver wil abstract a million in time : better is / p.103 / a poore gentleman to fall into the pawes of a lion then betweene his clutches, and may with more safety escape the gripe of a she beare then to be released from his leases : to be briefe with him, he is an insatiable cormorant, or rather corne-vorant, a bottomlesse Barathrum, a mercilesse mony-monger, a filthy forty in the hundreth, and unconscionable extortioner."

Fido, his oration to the Extortioner, displaying his damnable
dealing and fortune.
      " Father, you are welcome, and without feare or flatterie I will breefely tell you my minde. You have long traffickt in a wicked and unlawfull trade ; wicked, I call it, because it is repugnant to the lawes of the Highest Enacter of all decrees ; unlawfull, I may avouch it, because I never knew, nor heard, of any good law maintaining it ; for the former, if you run over the booke of bookes you shall finde many fearfull judgements denounced against you, and the latter you cannot contradict it by no countrie lawes, which although they flatly denie thee to take above tenne in the hundreth, a veniall sinne in respect of thy capitall, and deadly offence, yet dooth it not authorise thee to take so much, but taxeth thee if thou usurpest any more. But what should I take this text, which hath beene throughly intreated of by better and more judicious then myselfe ? or why should I wast my breath to thee, which hath neither faith, hope, nor charity ? What doe I talke of these thinges to thee, whom the love of riches / p.104 / hath so besotted, that it is impossible to divret it? or how should I thinke to prevaile by disswading : cum te neque fervidus æstus dimoveat lucro, neque hyemps, ignis, mare, ferrum : when neither the parching heate, nor benumbing cold, neither fire, sword, nor sea can disswade.

Impulit amentes aurique cupidine cæcos Ire super gladios, super atque cadavera patrum.

Therefore if your future fortune (that is that which shall light upon you hereafter, will not drawe you from your daily practising the same, nothing will), which is this. You shall alwaies want, though you have never so much, semper avarus eget (Hor.) ; though thou art a master, thou shalt be alwaies a servant, moyling for a mite, and watching to save a pennie ; thou shalt live in perpetuall terrour and feare ; shee that lyeth in thy bosome shall make thee suspitious, least she steale from thee ; they which were begotten of thine owne bodie will scarre thee, least they robbe thee : all that looke neere the place where thy gold lyeth thou wilt be jealous of, least they lurke to defeate thee of it : non uxor salvum te vult, non filius, omnes vicini oderunt, noti pueri atque puellæ. Thy wife will wish the hanged, thou keepest her so barely ; thy children pray for thine end, thou maintainest them so basely ; thy neighbours and kinsfolkes speake broadly of thee, thou usest them so cruelly ; and when thou art dead, divels hurry thee to perdition, wishes damme thee to everlasting torments, and cursses consort with thy funerall. Nay, thy wife shall be enamored of some spend-all, which shall wast all / p.105 / as licentiously as thou hast heaped together laboriously : thy children never thrive with ought thou diddest bequeath them, it was so vilely gotten : and thy name either utterly blotted out, or remaine infamous to posterity. If you like your fortune, proceed ; but if you mislike it, desist from your racking and raysing, your powling and pinching the poor ; recompense them which you have wronged, or at the least injury none no more, but doe good according to the quantity of your goods, and so you may bring a blessing to yourselfe and posterity." The extortioner walked aside, and another knocked at the gate.

---

The Glutton entreth to know his fortune, whom
Mockso decyphereth.
      " Who is next ?" said Fido.
      "Monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens : a monstrous man," said Mockso, "your gate is too little for this Grecian horse ; if you cause not part of your wall to be plucked downe, he cannot come in : God bee thanked, hee hath the witte yet to enter sideling, like a gentlewoman with an huge farthingall : how he puffeth and bloweth like a short-winded hackney : now he approacheth wallowing like a woman with childe : he might be an oxe for his joule, a bull for his necke, a cow for his belly, and a calfe for his wit, I make no question."

/ p.106 /

Opinion of the Glutton.
      " Bona verba, Mockso," said Opinion, "he will hate you to death if he heare you, and worke you a mischiefe, if you misuse him : he is a great man, I can tell you, and in huge request amongst no small fooles : Puago might be his grandfather, for his full feeding ; and Garagantua his sire, for his gormandizing ; he is none of your ordinarie fellowes, which will suffice nature for threepence ; give him an oxe rosted, with a pudding in his belly ; a rabbit is but a bitte with him, and he will crunch capons as fast as a beggar will cracke lice ; he is a tall man at a table, and will tosse a pike strenuously, if it be soaked in white broth ; he is none of your great talkers, but will do prettie well at a dinner, if silence be a vertue ; he is a vertuous gentleman, for at meate hee cannot entend to talke for eating, and betweene meales hee sleepeth soundly. To be briefe with him, he is a pestilence to pasties, which sweepeth many of them sheere away ; a consumption to capons, chickins, and other poultry ; a sepulchre to seafish and others in ponds, moates, and rivers ; a sharp sheepe-biter, and a marveilous mutton monger, a gorbelly glutton.

Fido, his oration to the Glutton, inveying against his sinne,
and revealing his fortune.
      " Tantum cibi et potionis adhibendum est, ut reficiantur vires, non ut opprimantur : sir, I salute you with this saying / p.107 / of Cicero, because I perceive you ever ballace your belly, an ungratefull member, never thankefully repaying that which is done unto it, but daily calling for more then is needefull ; and why should man, that hath understanding to judge, and reason to rule, be so servile to filthy appetite ? a small thing will content nature, and satiety doth rather displease then pleasure her ; it maketh her unfitte to performe any agill or active thing : beside, the overplus might tend to many profitable uses, but you cannot fall too unlesse your table bee fully furnished : how did they in the old time, when they were sufficed with such sustenance as the grasse and trees afforded ; they lived longer and were stronger then they of this instant ; they had no cookes to provide them cates ; hunger was their best sawce, labour and exercise the cookes which composed that sawce ; if you would feed with the like sawce, composed by the same cookes, it would take you a button lower, and cause you looke not like Boreas, as you now doe ; if not, I cannot remedie it, neither will I speake to your deafe god, Bell, or rather bellie, anie longer. Your fortune will be this ; manie diseases wil be ingendered in you, through your immoderat eating ; fit for no countrie service will you be, neither in martiall nor domesticall affaires : a foole shall you live, and a dunce shall you die, and that sooner too then otherwise you wold, keeping a sparing and temperate diet : all the pampering of your paunch shall be to no other purpose, for you strive for all delicate creatures to feed yourselfe, and you yourselfe shall be food for the wormes."
      Away the Glutton lagged, and Mockso highed to the doore, expecting, that as he was larded, so hee would / p.108 / be garded with some or other ; for rich men have manie friends, and neede not walke alone unlesse they please.

---

The Parasite, associating the Glutton to the gate, entereth,
Mockso describing him.
      " Who is that ?" said Fido.
      " A finicall fellow," answered Mockso, " as full of salutations as a fidler ; his hat was off before I coulde aske him what he would, and his knee licked the superficies of your threshold, ere I bad him enter ; a crafty fellow I feare, he is so full of courtesie, and some cousoning companion, he hath such a flearing countenance ; now he eieth you, sir, his head is bare. O rare, what an excellent dumb shew is this ! thrise hath he kissed his hand and made you three lowe congies in coming three strides ; now he approacheth neere you ; I thinke he meaneth to make a pope of you, and kiss your toes."

Opinion of the Parasite.

      " He is none of your cynicks, nor criticks, hee is no Momus, that snappeth vice by the shinnes as shee passeth by him ; hee respecteth not what men be, so they be rich ; he wil live when they lack : he fleareth not in your face for nothing, nor reflects his legges without some surmised / p.109 / reason ; he will fawne on you like a spaniell, follow you like a foisting hound for his commodity ; say what you wil, hee will sweare to it ; doe what you delight in, hee wil encourage you : are you adicted to drink drunke, he wil gibe at sobriety, and christen her with innumerable nick-names. Doe you love whores ? he wil scratch where it itcheth not, and tickle your eares with a tale of variable venerie : have you one sparkle of goodnesse ? he wil extoll you above measure : have you never so much ill ? he wil mitigate it : he is in tautologies of praising that you like, and extreame in discommending that you doe condemne, be it never so praiseworthie : he giveth nothing his due, or proper right, but either too much, or too little, he careth not for the meane : he wil pervert anie thing for his purpose ; if you be a coward, hee saieth you are wise and trulie valerous : if prodigall, then generouslie liberall : are you a niggard ? then frugall and provident : is your head great ? a note of policie ; is it little ? the loftiest men are so marked : is your nose long ? an excellent ornament, hee knew a great ladie that never commended other : is it short ? it is the comliest : are you high-coloured ? it is the soundest complexion : are you pale ? it is amorous and attractive : are you tall ? all that are lower than you are dwarfes : are you low ? all that are taller are lubbers, or May-poles : to bee briefe with him, he wil soothe you up in anie sinne, hugge anie hainous humor in you, foster anie follie ; wealthie men's wel-wisher, poverties deadlie enemie, a false-hearted, fawning parasite."

/ p.110 /

Fido, his oration to the Parasite, revealing his faults
and fortune.
      " Sir," said Fido, " since your disposition is so largelie described, I shall not neede much to delate on it; but to speake freelie and compendiously unto you, I holde you to be the most venemous serpent that crawleth in a commonwealth, and would advise all men that tender their owne safetie to shunne yow as an harpie, and stop their eares at your words, as the enchanting of mermaydes : plus nocet lingua adulatoris, quam gladius persecutoris : your tongue doth more hurt then warre or pestilence, and you are the causer of more mischiefe then any impietie whatsoever ; lulling men in the sleepe of securitie, whereas if they were kept waking, and had their faults laid apparently before them, no doubt but that either shame or feare would worke a reformation in them ; guiltie therefore are you of all those crimes which they commit, and accessarie to their enormities whom you secure and sooth up in follies ; your fortune, therefore, will be full foule in the end, and though you may flourish for a time, and live in favour, yet when your assertions are found false, your friendship fained, your counsell hurtfull unto them, then may you give an ultimum vale to your happinesse : they which loved you wil loath you to death ; they which credited you will not beleeve you for a world, though then you should tell them never so truly : they that graced you wil be the first that shal publish your disgrace, and work your ruine ; because, like a trayterous / p.111 / person, you endevoured theirs by your conceiling their follies, and animating them to any villanie."
      Away the parasite sneaked, and another knocked at the gate.

---

The Wanton Wife entreth to know her fortune,
whom Mockso describeth.
      " Who is that ?" said Fido.
      " A sweete woman, no doubt," answered Mockso, " doe you not smell her ? a rowling eye, she turneth it with a trice ; a faire haire, if it be her owne ; an high forehead, if it be not forced : a rare face, if it be not painted : a white necke, if it be not plastered ; a straight backe, if it be not bolstered ; a slender wast, if it be not pinched ; a prettie foote, if it be not in shooe-maker's laste ; a faire and rare creature, if she be not dishonest."

Opinion of the Wanton Wife.
      " O si fas dicere, she came naked into the citie and shal so returne, unlesse she doe penance with a white sheete pinned about her, as she now deserveth. Her husband married her for pure love, and had nought with her, and so hee is likely to have so long as he hath her ; yet shee will flaunt it with the finest, and gadde abroad with the giddiest ; looking for greater attendance then an empresse, and more duty then a / p.112 / dutchesse ; envying all that are more bravely trapped then herselfe, and confederate with few but such as are wantonly intrapped as she is ; no fashion can be extant, but she must have a fling at it ; no sight to be seene, but she must view it ; not a gewgaw to be heard of but she must have it ; she will buy nothing that is cheape, weare nothing that is common, eate nothing that is not costly ; her honest husband is her hobie-horse at home, and abroad, her foole ; amongst her copesmates, wanton wenches game amongst themselves, and wagges sport to point at with two fingers : who is so terrified by her that he were better in his grave ; by day he dare not meet her, she is so man'd with make-shift ; by night hee feareth to lie with her, her touch is so ambiguous : with meat he cannot please her, she is so dainty : in clothes hee cannot keepe her, she is so costly ; with words he cannot fit her, shee is so captious ; in deede hee cannot content her, for shee is a wanton. If he endevour with good counsell to disswade her, she saith he preacheth too learnedly for her to edifie ; if hee gybe and jest at her follie, then he is all wit, or a wittall ; if he keepeth her short of mony, then she rappeth out an oath that she will have coyne, though she be hanged for it : if he keepe her close within doores, the next time he stirreth out a sergeant clappeth him on the shoulder for some debt shee hath entred unknowne to him for such a purpose. To be breefe, she is her husband's affliction, her children's disgrace, her friend's scandall, roysters and rake-hels randevouce ; a wanton, wicked, well-favoured wife."

/ p.113 /

Fido, his oration to the Wanton Wife, detecting the heynous-
nesse of her beastly life and fortune.
      " Were your minde as richly beautified as your body you could not be too highly prized ; but seeing the beastlinesse of your behaviour blemisheth your beautie, I cannot but condemne and contemne you ; who, having plighted your faith and solemnly obliged yourselfe unto an husband, are now become most faithlesse and perfidious, leaving the fruite which was allotted you fall to the forbidden tree ; which, driving you out of Paradise, will expose you to the infamie of the world ; if you can delude your husband's eyes with demure carriage, and possesse him with a good conceit thereof, then you care not how you cousen him of his goods privily, deride him closely, abuse him behinde his backe, so all bee done caute it is well done : but if you consider the cause aright, it is yourselfe you wrong. There is an eie which seeth you, though never so closely cabined ; there is an eare that heareth you, whisper you never so softly ; there is an heart which apprehendeth you, contrive you never so cunningly, from which, if you cannot conceale your thoughts, wordes, and workes, never laugh in your sleeve how you have gulled, or bulled, your husband : nay, many are so impudent they care not who know it, they thinke it a credite to bee notorious, an honour to have gallants seeke unto them ; where / p.114 / carrion is, it is no marvell to find kites ; pleasure hath an amiable face, but a loathsome bodie ; a sweete taste, but a sowre digestion ; a delicious life, but a miserable death : looke upon that plot in my garden, you see it fresh and fragrant, if I should permit many of my neighbours to fling their garbidge on it, it would become a fulsome dunghil ; or, behold my well, the water in it is cleere and sweete ; if the sinkes here about should have passage to it, they would soone alter the clearenesse and sweetnesse of the water : so now you are sound and lovely to looke on, you may maintaine the same for a small space ; but being common, ulcers, filth, and blauches will breed upon [you] like frogges and toades in stinking pooles. And therefore I cannot blame those which are timerous of their wives, for their owne bodies safetie : one rotten sheepe corrupts a flocke, one measeled hogge smites an heard, one plagued person infects a people. Now to your fortune. If you once loose your good name, you will never recover it ; if now in youth you forsake your husband, and play false, in your age, when none respect you, he will reject you : your children may begge, or steale, wil he toile to maintaine other men's gettings ? If he decease before you, no honest man will have you, unlesse some of your deboshed companions, more for lucre then for love, who will never trust you, knowing you false to your former husband : and then, perchance, you would wish you had beene more constant to your first betrothed, and lesse confident to every cogging companion ; but it will bee then too late. Now lament your follie, and beginne a new life, abandon lewde company and idlenesse, and you / p.115 / may have many a faire day, and future felicity ; else expect nothing but miserie, shame, and many misfortunes in the end, which will fall heavily upon you if you doe not now labour to prevent them."
      Away she walked, and another rapped at the gate.

---

The Jealous Man entereth to know his fortune,
Mockso describing him.
      " Who is that ?" said Fido.
      " One as melancholie as a cat," answered Mockso, " and glared upon me as if he would have looked through me : sure hee lacketh something, he gazeth so about him : holde not downe thine head for shame, like a beast ; but erect thy countenance, like a man. High-ho, how he sigheth, and beteth his brest, as if there were something there angering him. Why doth he feele his forehead so often ? it is smooth enough he doubteth : I lay my life they wil sprowt out shortly, and shal soone become as huge-headed as was Acteon, after hee gazed on the goddesse bathing herselfe with her nymphs in the fountaine."

/ p.116 /

Opinion of the Jealous Man.
      " He is more afraid then hurt," said Opinion, " hee macerateth his minde without cause, and troubleth his thoughts without true reason : his wife is faire, therefore hee thinketh her false ; of a wittie disposition, therefore hee deemeth her a wagge-taile : all that speake to her, hee thinketh wooe her, and every man that looketh on her, he judgeth loves her : let her speake him faire, then she faigneth : let her use him dutifully, then she doth counterfet : if she keepeth home, it is volens nolens, against her wil : let her goe abroad, then his head aketh, and his heart panteth : is shee neatly arraied, that is but to allure and please others : is she homely dressed, she knoweth he wil keepe house that day : goe they in the streetes together, if she glanceth but aside, hee knoweth her minde forsooth : courtesie in her is the loadstone of her lust : and affabilitie the cunning orator for her concupiscence : bringeth he any to his table, if she carve to them, it is in hope of some amorous requitall ; if shee drinke to them, their pledgings are but as pledges of their concealed loves : they which proffer him kindnesse, he surmiseth it pretended, for opportunitie to his wife : and they which frequent his house, be they of his neerest alliance or kindred, he suspecteth. To be briefe with him, he is his fortunes fore-staller, his mindes miserie, his bodies bane, a rejecter of his most intimate familiars, a suspitious ill liver ; for the wife would never have sought her daughter in the oven unlesse / p.117 / she herselfe had beene there in former times : an erronious hereticke in the opinion of his wife, an unreasonable and causelesse jealous man."

The Fortune-teller's oration to the Jealous Man, declaring
his folly and fortune.
      " Sir, of all men I holde you most senselesse, who, without certaine ground and sure experience, should misconceit that which was never meant you. Cannot your wife be faire, but lascivious ? what say you to Lucretia ? can you not be absent but she will play foule ? how thinke you of Penelope, who, in the tenne yeares absence of her husband, lived chaste and untouched ? but suppose that which you suspect were certaine, sores past cure are past care. Quod factum est, infectum esse nequit : that which is done cannot be undone ; that which will be shall be : if she be chaste and vertuous, no beautie can tempt her, no gifts allure her, no perswasions winne her : but if she be disloyall, keepe her never so close, she will sometime or other flie out in despight of you.

Ut jam servaris bene corpus adultera mens est, Nec custodiri ni velit ipsa potest.

      " When Jupiter loved Io, a delicious damsell, his wife being mistrustfull, dogged him to finde out his dealing ; who, to conceale his fault, turned the lady into an heifer, which Juno begged, and resigned to the custodie of Argus, who, although he was faigned to have an hundred eies, / p.118 / yet was he beguiled of the jewell he watched so narrowly : so be you never so vigilant and circumspect, if she be so disposed she will. Non caret effectu quod voluere duo : needlesse therefore will your care be if you have no cause ; and although you have good reason, of none effect : naturam expellas furca, licet usque recurret. Now to your fortune ; if you be obstinate in your beleefe, and so confirme in your false faith, you will martir yourselfe most miserably ; your body will be soone wasted, and your substance consumed ; because, when your thoughts are destracted with such frivolous matters, you can never seriously negociate your estates concerning and supporting designes ; your best way, therefore, is to thinke the best, judge the best, et modo te sanum fingito sanis eris."
      Away the Jealous Man departed, and another knocked at the gate.

---

The Lover entering to know his fortune, Mockso
describeth him..
      " Who is that ?" said Fido.
      " I know not," said Mockso, " but he looketh very pittifully upon it, and commeth sadly in ; a finicall fellow he is, and very fashionable : a stiffe necke he hath, which God hateth, and a streight dublet, which no drunkard could endure : for if he had it but one sitting, he would not / p.119 / leave it worth a button ; sure his taylor hath not done well to make it so short wasted : crie him mercie ! now I looke so low, he hath put all the waste in the knees of his breeches ; currage, man ! if she will not, another will."

Opinion of the Lover.
      " As simple as he standeth there," said Opinion, " hee hath let his owne arme blood himself instead of a barber-surgeon, and quaffed an health thereof in praise of his mistresse when he had done : hee hath kneeled oftener in the honour of his sweeteheart then his Saviour : hee cruciateth himself with the thought of her, and wearieth al his friends with talking on her : he is trapt in so long contemplation of her heavenly by him surmised beauties, that sometimes missing his appointed meales, oscula dat ligno, he kisseth the post's most daintie face, supposing it his love, and imbraceth his pillow or the ayre in his armes circumference, her bodie being onely imagined present : he maketh her a deietie with his adoration, and extolleth the lustre of her eyes above the sun and moone : he is elivated into the third heaven when he dreameth of her, and will admit no sublunarie resemblances in his comparisons concerning her, though she have a negro's head, a Virginian nose, a Spanish face, a Flemish neck, and a Turkish stature : all the morning he wasteth in finifying his body to please her eye ; all the afternoone he culleth out choice and premeditate speeches to delight her eare ; all supper while, if they table together, he peereth and / p.120 / prieth into the platters to picke out dainty morsels to content her maw ; and almost all the night he watcheth and prayeth for her, sighing like a senselesse beast, and sobbing like a silly sot if he be rivald and put besides her : to be briefe, hee is his friends' pittie, his enemies' derision, his soules sorrow, his bodies decay, and his sweetheart's derision : a forsaken lover."

Fido his oration to the Lover, revealing his fondnes
and fortune.
      " By this it seemeth you are in love ; with whom ? a woman : good, what woman ? beauteous, rich, or honourable ? so, how doth she requite your love ? with scorn, hate, derision : she is a woman the contrary to man, as one defineth the greatest pleasure that can betide a man, when he is deprived of her : witnes Galba, who, seeing his neighbour's wife hang herselfe upon a figge tree, desired a slippe thereof to graft, hoping it would beare more such fruite, meaning his wife. The toylsomest burden that combreth a man, as he certified who, when the rest of his companie cast overbord such stuffe as was most combersome unto them, being so commanded by the master of the shippe, tooke his wife in his arms with intent to fling her into the sea, had hee not beene interupted. If, then, a wife be the contrary to an husband, what concord can there be betweene them ? if a pleasure to be lost, who would sigh to be deprived of one ? if a burden and clogge to be kept, who would not skipp / p.121 / for joy to have his clogge taken from him ? But she is beauteous, rich, or honourable : what is beautie with untoward conditions, but a faire flower with an ill favour,—a painted sepulchre fil'd with putrid bones ?   what are riches with wayward qualities, but golden mazers fraught with deadly poyson ? and, as the cynick likened a rich man without knowledge, to a sheepe with a golden fleece, so you may resemble a wealthy woman with wilfull manners, to a jade with golden trappings : and what is honour ? a celestiall thing, a radiant starre, you will say ; but those starrs are not all one ; some are fixæ, some errantes, some cadentes, that is, some are fixed, some wandring, some falling starres : but she you admired was none of the fixed, as her wandring and falling from you sheweth : besides, she scorneth, hateth, and derideth you : if any of your best friends should serve you so, you would renounce them, yet you will reverence her, your worst enemie : but men of your mould are like spaniels, which will creepe neerest to them that cudgell them : so the frowarder their sweetehearts are, the frowarder are they to crouch unto them : Quod licet ingratum est, quod non licet acrius urit, whereas being lesse obsequious they might fare better, novi mulierum mores; ubi velis nolunt, ubi nolis capiunt ultro. Some reason had censorius Cato to leave this precept for future times—Trust not a woman ; the dogged philosopher knew causes enough, when he said it was too late for the olde man, and too soone for the young to marrie. Yet I speake not this in disgrace of vertuous women, or to deterre you from marriage : but for a man, the king and commander of al earthly creatures, whose body is pure, / p.122 / whose minde more magnanimous, to be dejected in spirit, pale in physnomy, leane in his limmes, and all for a woman, nay, for such a woman as doth scorne, hate, and deride him : fie, it is intollerable. Were she true and faithfull unto you in lawfull and honest sort, I would kindle and combine you with the best counsell I could : but being otherwise, take these precepts, which, if you follow, will allay all lust and love in you :   the first is, to abandon idlenesse, the nurse of wantonnes : the second, shunne solitarinesse, and bee eyther doing something, or discoursing and passing the time away in company : the third, to have a good conceit of yourselfe, to cheere up your spirits, and doubt not but to have her betters :   the fourth is, to mince and extenuate any laudable part in her, but to display and augment whatsoever deformity you know by her, for love is feigned blinde, because he cannot judge aright, but maketh a mountain of a mole-hill, a saint of a sow : the best course, therefore, to banish him is, to contrarie him in all his asseverations, to prise at a low rate that he highly vallueth. As for instance, is the partie fatte ? fatte meate will cloy any man : is she leane ? what good stomacke careth for bones ? if she be pale of complexion, she will prove but a puler : is she high-coloured ? an ill cognizance : is she silent ? the still sow will eat up all the draugh : dooth shee talke much ? a pratling gossip she is likely to prove, and who would be troubled with a tatling tongue, and such like ?   Fifthly, if shee useth you hardly either in words or deeds, or countenanceth any of your enemies or evill willers, set it downe in your table-bookes, and write it upon the wal in your bed-chamber, that you may / p.123 / at al times better remember them : and consider if she tendered you, she wold not wrong you. Many more could I expresse, but I should be over-tedious : therefore to your fortune, which now is bad enough, neither would I wish any worse, though I should wish them hanged, for hanging is the end of care, but love the enterance : but what will be hereafter, that is as your choise is : if you be advised, hope the best, if not looke for crooked fortune, as well as some of your betters have had before you."
      Away the lover walked, and another came to the gate.

---

The Virgin entereth to know her fortune, Mockso
describing her.
      " Who is that ?" said Fido.
      " Diana, or one of her darlings," he replied. " I am perplexed with her proportion ; the very glimse of her hath amazed me. Beauty sitteth enthronized on her browes, modesty in her eies, health in her cheekes, silence on her tongue, balsamum in her breath, immaculation on her necke, temperance on her waste, comelinesse on her whole body : Cytherea may sigh at her portraiture, Delia blush at her behaviour : her lookes turne not to and fro ; her speech is not obstreperous ; no pride in her apparell, no affectation in her gate ; the map of modestie, and picture of purenesse.

/ p.124 /

Opinion of the Virgin.
      " Rem tenes," said Opinion ; " now you have laid gibing aside, you have eased me of a labour. A purblinde wit may perceive what she is : an immaculate virgin."

The Fortune-tellers oration to the Virgine, encouraging her
to chastitie, and shewing her fortune.
      " Amiable maid, which hitherto hast led a chast and unpolluted life, persever still as you have begun, and make no doubt but to be right happy, being enriched with so inestimable a jewell as chastitie, which is a cœlestiall beatitude, the sister of the angels, the conqueresse of concupiscence, the queene of vertues, although it vouchsafeth to inhabit the minde and body of you an earthly creature : seeing therefore it is such an inestimable jewell, how warily are you to keepe it ! such a peerlesse princesse, how loyally are you to love it ! such a victorious triumpher, how carefully are you to guard it ; so unmatchably allied, how much are you to make of it ! All which that you may the better effect, I will bestowe this flower upon you : it is a lilly, not naturall but artificially composed, like to a naturall lilly, having sixe silver leaves, containing sixe severall posies, to preserve your chastitite : the first whereof hath this posie engraven in it : Cibi et potus sobrietas: that is, temperance in eating and drinking, which is an efficient cause to quelle and conquer / p.125 / wantonnesse : whereas, exercise of both or either of them doth animate and make it rebellious, and also disfigure the party pleased with the same : for immoderate eating breedeth five blemishes in the behaviour of a virgine, which do deforme her reputation more then fifteene wheales or pimples would disgrace her face : the first is scurrility of speech, a naughtie thing in any : the second talkativeness, or much babling : the third a foolish joy or petulant kinde of gesture : the fourth vomiting, belching, or such like : the fifth, drowsinesse of body, and dulnesse of minde : which although they are slightly observed in others, yet are they sooner marked in a maiden, as blacke spots are easier espied in a white cloath, then in darke coloured vestures. Touching inordinate drinking of wine, all are forbidden it, but you especially of all others : virgo fugiat vinum ut venenum: nam vinum in adolescentia est duplex incendium voluptatis: that is, a virgine ought to reject wine, as poison, which is a twofold firebrand to kindle lust in youth : abstinence therefore is the first weapon to defend chastitie, and put the enemie to flight ; which, as it is comely in any presence, so it is commodious for any feminine personage : keeping them from fogginesse, grosnesse, and fiery faces ; as one said of virgins in his time, they pinch their bellies of meate, (a good custome,) that they might be as small as bull-rushes.
      The second leafe of this lilly hath engraven in it, Asperitas vestitus, that is, coarsenesse and plainenesse of apparrell : for garish and fantasticall cloathes are speechlesse reporters of wanton mindes : therefore, said one, which had some trafique with such light stuffe, that sumptuous and soft raiments were the / p.126 / ensignes of pride ; but light and loose cloathing the index of luxurie. And as in olde time, such as solde horses were wont to put flowers or boughes upon their heads, to reveale that they were vendible : so such as trim and trick themselves with toyes and gewgawes, shew that they are willing, if any will : let therefore your apparell be plaine, yet comely, which will stop the mouth of evill report ; and as course as you can indure it, if you meane to tame your lust. The third leafe is set downe, Laboris strenuitas: labour and exercise, for if your minde be busied about any good huswifrie, or setled seriously upon any honest exercise, lust can have no power over you ; therefore wee reade   .   .   .   Penelope, a constant lady, would carde and   .   .   .   wooll herselfe, least shee should be idle, and consequently, subject to lascivious thoughts and deedes in the tenne yeeres absence of her husband : and the vestals, if at any time they had let the fire on the altar goe out, they were enjoyned to kindle it againe with the beames of the sunne. In the fourth leafe, is printed Custodia sensuum: that is, not to give your senses any scope or liberty, especially the sight or hearing, for iniquitie through the eye-lids glideth into the heart, and any have been entrapped by giving audience to the alluring songs of the sirens. In the fifth leafe, Modestia verborum: modest words you must use ; qualis homo, talis oratio, such as the woman is, such are her words ; for a proud woman will be rapping arrogant words, a foolish woman fond words, a wanton woman lascivious words, but a chast woman modest words and few. Therefore, said a grave father, that the speech of a virgine ought to be wise, civill, slow, and sparing : that she might be / p.127 / accounted as excellent for her speech, as for her chastity : for evill words corrupt good manners. In the sixth and last leafe of this lilly, is written, Fuga opportunitatem, the eschewing of opportunity, to shunn the company and conversation of men : for, albeit I am a man myselfe, and shall be reputed foolish to bewray mine owne neast ; yet to benefit such a goodly creature as yourselfe, whom it were villany to injure, I will display the practises of some, though all use not the same, that you may take heed of any, that would goe about to rifle you of your deerest jewell, without lawe or honestie, I meane marriage. Men, generally, are wiser then women in goodnesse, yet are they sillier in wickednesse and contriving deceit then craftie and sensuall women : and as they are more simple then craftie women, so are they subtiller then well-minded maydens, who, as they are guiltlesse of effecting deceipt, so are they innocent of suspecting deceipt.
      " It is no glory, I confesse, to deceive a woman ; no point of valour to overthrow the weaker vessell, yet if this weaker vessell be artificially garnished, and naturally beautified, what labour will they not take to attaine it ? what watching will they omit to steale it ? what wealth will they spare for to compasse it ? and when they have gotten it into their custody, how do some of them esteeme it ? even as children gewgaws, to dandle and play with it a while ; but as soone as they eye a new devise, they cast away the olde, and never are in quiet, till they be fingering the newe, or as warriours of olde time, which did spend much cost and paines to take a citie, and when they had brought it into subjection, rifled it, and ransackt it ; marched to another, and so to a thirde, etc. / p.128 / There was a pure virgine, as I heard, dwelling not farre from me, who had so firmely devoted herselfe to chastity, that the inhabitants thereabout did admire her ; till a lustie gallant, rich and well proportioned, wooed her, who never left battering the bulwarke of her heart with piercing oathes, vowes, and protestations, darted from his smooth tongue, till he had almost brought her to the bay. Within a while, after she had considered his actions, how hee would teare his haire, weepe in most seeming sadnesse, kisse her hand with feare and trembling, and proffer, unrequested, many servile ceremonies, fearing herselfe to breake an oath or violate a vow, trusted that hee had the same feare in him, which hee had not, condescended to his desire ; which so soone as hee had accomplished, forsooke her utterly. After him another came unto her, and served her with the same sawce ; then a third : at last she began to wax warie : a fourth came unto her, whose fashion was to try all, and if they agreed, left them incontinently ; but hee laboured in vaine, for his gifts could prevaile nothing, nor his promises perswade her ; (shee had faire warning, one would thinke) ; to be briefe, he liked, loved, and married her, and the second night, as they lay together, the good man said to her, 'Thou knowest, sweetheart, how often I tempted thee, and I protest, if thou haddest consented, I had forsaken thee utterly.' 'Tut, tut, husband,' said shee, (sure shee was halfe asleepe and halfe waking,) 'I trow I was a little wiser then so, for three had served me in the like sort before ever I beheld your face.'
      " This I do not relate, that you should make the same experiment, but that you might avoid the like men, for he / p.129 / that maketh no scruple to breake the seventh commandement, will make as little conscience to keepe the third : besides, if he should keepe his promise, he would have you alwaies in jealousie : for if you feare not to displease God before you are married, who forbiddeth fornication, will not your husband be perswaded that you will have as little feare to commit adulterie when you are espoused ? Take this lilly, and think upon every word and posie engraven in it : and above all, beleeve not words im  .   .   .   .   ing any dishonest request. I have a picture here, to the same purpose : looke upon this lady, it was Dido, queene of Carthage, who being too credulous in beleeving a wandering prince, fell to folly with him, and after forsaken, caused a great fire to be made, and for griefe and anguish leaped into it. This other is Phillis, queene of Rodope, a virgin before she lent an attentive eare to Demophoon, a man of royall race, who after he had gotten his purpose, never returned neere her againe ; so that for shame, and avoiding future sorrow, she hung herselfe, as this picture lively expresseth : take it with you, and think that if these two queenes were deceaved, it were an hazard for to trust. Fide, sed cui vide: it is an old saying, trie before you trust : but if maydens follow that saying, they may be trust round before, and after served as these were."
      Away the virgine walked, like Juno in the empire, and others were at the gate expecting entrance, but Fido beeing weake and wearie, dismissed them till some other time, and forthwith committed hisselfe to his closet.



[ p.131 ]  (image of page 131)

Essayes  and  Characters,

Ironicall, and Instructive.

The second impression.

With a

New Satyre in defence of Common Law and Lawyers,

Mixt with reproofe against their

common Enemy.

With many new Characters,

and

divers other things added;  and every thing amended.

By John Stephens the yonger,

of Lincolnes Inne, Gent.

London, 1615.

[ p.133 ]  (image of page 133)

Two Bookes of Characters.

The first Booke.

CHARACTER I.

An Impudent Censurer

      IS the torture-monger of Wit, ready for execution before Judgement. Nature hath dealt wisely with him in his outeside ; for it is a priviledge against confutation, and will beget modesty in you to see him out-face : Hee is so fronted with striving to discountenance knowledge, by the contempt of it, as you would thinke him borne to insolence, though indeed it bee habituall and comes by negligence of his company, which rather seeke to laugh and continue, then to reforme his vanity. A Chimney-sweeper may converse with him very safely, without the hazard of blushing : and so may any that will contemne his ignorance : Buffets will convince him better then language or reason : That proves him ranke-bestiall, descended from the walking Apes ; which on the Mountaines seeme carefull Inhabitants, but at your approach   / p.134 /   the formality of man only. The Land-theefe, and Sea-captaine, be never lesse out of their way, but wiser commonly about their object : They spare to wound poore travellers, but he incounters any thing not worth eye-sight. Hee will seeme to cleanse Bookes of errors : but take him in his true knowledge, and hee cannot doe so much good as a Fellow that sweepes gutters. A wise mans minde governes his body, his minde is onely restrained by a bodily feare : And if you hope to be released of what he dares, you must inforce him to what he dares not ; and then you shall perceive him to be the comicall braggard, or the Jingling spur. Lay aside this medicine and he is incurable, for he is so ravisht with his own folly, as hee often commends what he misinterprets, and still dispraises (if he scorne the Author) because hee cannot perceive. To commend therefore and discommend what he conceives not, is alike tolerable and equall : Neither is it to be admired if he dislikes the soundest workes of a good Author : for he regardes not the workes and writings of God himselfe : if he did, he would imbrace charity, and so censure lesse. The wilde Arabian comprehends him fully : for as the one, so the other, takes tribute and exaction of all passengers, except acquaintance and familiars : if any thing makes him praise-worthy, this must, or nothing : because he seemes (by this means) morall in friendship and so in some kind vertuous : But his applause and detraction, are both odious, because abounding through his meere pleasure : And as some sluttish people take pleasure in their owne excrements, and relish the pickings of their nose ; so hee, his owne opinion. When al Trades perish, he may turne Shop-keeper, and deale   / p.135 /   with Ballance : For in weights and measures none is more deceitfull. Hee ponders pithy volumes by the dram or scruple, but small errours by the pound. If he takes courage in his humour, hee haunts the Authours company, recites the worke, intends it to some third person, and after he hath damnd the thing in question, he refers himselfe to the right owner ; who, if hee be there manifest, must conjure this devill quickely, or he will seeme honest, and give satisfaction : but call his life in question, and he betraies his guiltinesse, which then accuses him of false dealing howsoever ; yes, though he hath commented rightly ; for he commends ignorantly, and discommends scandalously. So delighting in his humour, he makes his Free-hold an Inheritance : put it to the hazard, and he will compound for the title. When he misses the censure of bookes, he proves alway the most harmeles, deriding, impudent, and absurd foole in the company : and he takes it for granted still that every conceite being his owne is most ingenious—let him adde folly and I grant him.

---

CHARACTER II.

A Compleate Man

      IS an impregnable Tower : and the more batteries he hath undergone, the better able he is to continue immoveable. The time and he are alwaies friends : for he is troubled with   / p.136 /   no more then he can well imploy ; neither is that lesse, then will every way discharge his Office ; So he neither surfetts with Idlenesse, nor action. Calamities, and Court preferments doe alike move him, but cannot remove him : Both challenge from him a convenient use, no vilde endeavour, either to swell or dispaire. His religion, learning, and behaviour, hold a particular correspondence : He commands the latter, whilst himselfe and both be commanded by the first. He chuses men as good Musitians chuse their Vialls ; by sound, rather then by the sight : he may well give his affections leave to wander ; for (like a well-mannd Hawke) they bee alwaies within whistling. Hee holdes it presumption to knowe, what should be looked, or thought upon with wonder ; and therfore rather then he will exceed, he can be lesse then himselfe : accounting it more noble to immitate the friutfull [lit.] bough which stoopes under a pretious burthen ; then applaud the tall eminence of a fruitlesse Birch-tree : knowing Humility is a fitter step to knowledge, then presumption. He seemes willingly to seeke acquaintance with vice and with temptation, meaning to allure it, til, without suspition, he may soone disrobe and disarme it : Like the Sunne which enters to the most polluted places, but is not anything the more polluted. Or having laboured to know the strength of follie, he knowes it to be his Captive. From hence proceeds his victorie, in that he can prevent mischiefe, and scorne the advantage of basenesse. His wit and apprehension (like the insinuating ayre) will pierce through lesse cranyes then the pores of a mans bodie. His worthinesse to bee rewarded hee may conceale : But his desire to doe nobly, in a better kinde, his   / p.137 /   actions will not suffer to bee unknowne : by which the world can judge hee deserves, and save him from the scandall of a Cunning Hypocrite. If merits direct him in the way to honor, they doe not leave him in the way to honour, but are his best attendants to accompany his whole preferment : For to deserve what hee obtaines, and to deserve no more is sluggish ; to deserve after a thing bestowed, is duely thankefull ; But a continued merit stops accusation. He is thankfull for whatsoever hee receives by the worlds favour : And hee neglects no profite which the time affoords, by insufficiency to discerne it or to recompence it : For what hee observes, passeth through the forge of his wisedome, which refines it ; and the file of his practise, which confirmes it as a good patterne : So the interest exceedes the principall, and (which exceeds all) praiseth the Usurer. It may seeme strange that a compleate man is a good Carpenter : but (take my meaning as you list) his actions are directed by the Line and Square. The name of guilt (with him) is vanished under the charme of a good conscience : Which with his eye-sight save his taste a labour ; for hee knowes what experience can teach, but is not taught by experience. Hee is faithfully his owne friend : and accepts the frienship [lit.] of others for his owne sake ; but imparts his owne for others. When he loves, hee loves first : from hence hee chalenges a double honour : For Love and Priority is a two-folde merit. Hee lacks nothing to ingender happinesse ; for he can spare nothing that hee enjoyes : he enjoyes it so honestly and absolutely. And that hee hath already, serves to purchase new contentment. For as he lives, his capacity is enlarged,   / p.138 /   though before it were sufficient for his other faculties : they be most numerous when himselfe is nothing : for being dead, hee is thoght worthier then alive : then he departs to his advancement.

---

CHARACTER III.

A good Husband

      IS the second part of a good man : hee challenges no more nor lesse from Art or Nature, then doth become his faculty, and give comfort to his Wife ; so he doth not (by striving to please) seeme low minded ; nor by over-valuing his properties, prove a tyrant. His behaviour and discourse promise no more then hee meanes, and may very well justifie. Hee is not altogether to be chosen by the common weight or standard ; for his best partes are invisible. A good Wife shall know him quickly to bee worth her taking : for hee will first know her worthinesse. He is not therefore put to much trouble of being denied twise : for if hee thinkes he can prevaile amisse, prevaile too soone, or not prevaile, because hee is too good ; hee hath the modesty to refuse first : But otherwise, if opinion dares suspect, and so refuse him first, hee may account it happinesse, because hee was refused so soone : having (by that meanes) escaped one who could not discerne him. The honor of a good wife makes him no more   / p.139 /   unpractised in the patience of a bad, then if hee conversed with her : so his vertues be familiar, not enforced. The misery of a bad wife likewise hath no more enraged him to discredit all women, then the worthinesse of a good one hath moved him to bee an Idolator : So his blessing is, not to augment his curse, or curse his blessing. The highest end of his mariage premeditated, is to resolve how he may desire it without end. Hee feeles not the absence of youth by a decay in lust ; but measures the approach of a crooked body by his entyre and straight affection. Hee neither deceives himselfe with a foolish confidence, nor drawes a disadvantage to himselfe, by being distrustfull : For he may bee acquainted with those, to whome hee safely cannot commit his wealth, much lesse his wives honesty, but hee never suspects, before he be past suspition, and every thing be apparant. Hee hath (notwithstanding) no friend whom hee dares not make his deputy : But if he hath not knowledge enough, to chuse a friend that may be trusted ; hee hath no reason to trust a woman. Hee seekes rather to bee well known then commonly noted : for being known, hee cannot bee mistaken ; but othewise it is very doubtfull. A good Husband (like the pith which runns in the mid'st of a body) diffuces himselfe æqually to the circumference : imparting æquall care and love to wife and children : Love and providence be the two counterpanes of a good husband. He hates not her, but hers ; and that with a hope, to make her detest herselfe, not bee divorced from him : For he covets rather to be daily amending her, then make a new hazard, or want resolution. Hee may dislike there-   / p.140 /   fore his wives humour, and love her in the same quantity. Hee cannot bee chosen, because a better is absent, for you may find in himselfe the practitioner and pattern. Hee cannot therfore be refused, if he bee well known : For being good, hee proves the best, and being so, the best Husband.

---

CHARACTER IIII.

A Contented Man

      IS a faire building in the bottome of a Valley : You may discerne nothing about him, unlesse you approach neere, and nothing in him worth himselfe, unlesse you doe proceed. There is no land like unto his owne conscience : that makes him sowe and reape together : for actions bee (with him) no sooner thoughts, then they prove comforts, they be so full of Innocence. His life therfore is a continuall harvest : his countenance and conversation promise hope ; they both smile upon their object : Neither doth the end faile his purpose : for his expectation was indifferent and equall, according to the meanes. Events therefore cannot oppresse him ; for he propounded all, before he undertook some ; and sawe the extreamest point of danger, before hee did imbarque. He medles no further with uncertainties, then losse and lucre be alike in accident : For doubtfull thinges of moment, make men stagger, whilst hope and feare distracts them. If probable and lawfull meanes deceive him, they cannot trouble   / p.141 /   him : for he ascribes nothing to himselfe, that is above him. When Gods determinations doe therfore disappoint ; he neither marvailes, nor mis-interprets. Neglected fortunes, and things past, hee leaves behinde ; they cannot keep pace with him. The necessity of thinges absent, hee measures by his meanes : but as for things impossible, hee could never begin to affect them. And in the quest of future projects, hee never doth transgresse the present comfort. Hee can with as much selfe-credit be a Captive, as a promoted Courtier. Dignities may doe him honour, not entice him : Poverty may threaten, and be preremptory, but cannot overcome. Riches may make his honesty more eminent, not more exquisite : He cousens the world in his behaviour ; and when hee seemes disconsolate, he is best contented. He is so far from adding malice to any, that he can praise the merits of an enimy ; without grudging. Anger and Revenge be two turbulent passions : In him (therefore) the first shewes only that he can apprehend : the last, that he can justly prevent further mischefe. So hee neither doth insult through anger ; nor satisfie his bitternesse by revenge. Repentance, which with some proves melancholly, with him proves a delightfull assurance : for seldome doth hee lament thinges meerely vicious, so much as vertues imperfectly attempted. He undertakes every thing with more advantage, then any (but himselfe) can imitate : for being voyd of troublesome vexation, his willing minde makes the way lesse difficult. His policie and close dealing doe not disturbe his time of pleasure, or his quiet dreames : For he can awake with as much delight in day, and sleepe with as much solace in the   / p.142 /   darke, as either his intimate purpose can awake to every mans applause ; or be concealed to his owne safetie, and no mans detriment. Hee doth not readily incurre anothers rage ; nor doth he raile against himselfe ; for he cannot bee before hand with quarrelsome engagements : nor rashly run into a manyfest error. He doth not therefore (when all approve him) miscall himselfe, closely, damned Hypocrite, or lewd villaine. Hee feeles more felicitie in this, that he can forbeare to enjoy any thing, rather then let any thing enjoy him ; or rather then he will enjoy any thing indirectly. He is not so selfe subsisting that he scornes to borrow ; so shamelesse, that he borrowes all : nor so alone contented, that others doe not partake in his freedome : or so absolute in freedome, that he becomes not more absolute by the use of others. He resembles the parish bells ; which keepe the same tune at Mariages and Funeralls : So a contented man observes the same Musicke of content, either in occasion of joy or sadnes. He makes more ill meanings good by good construction, more haplesse events honest by a lawfull confidence, and more dangerous undertakings easie, by a calme proceeding, then the contrary. For (whilst he knowes Jealousie as a fearefull, eating, and distastfull vice) hee cannot suspect without the cautions of why, whom, how, where and when. Briefly, being contented, he is content to be happy ; and being so, hee thrives best when hee thinkes best : he does more then he undoes. He wins more often then he saves ; and, like the Caspian Sea, remaines the same unchangeable.

/ p.143 /

CHARACTER V.

A good Emperour

      IS the second Saviour to Christianity, and a direct center of his peoples love : his greatnesse extends rather to posterity, then is confident of pedigree. He may be counselled or confirmed, but his election remaines peculiar. His object therefore (to discerne) may be infinite, or extravagant ; but paterns (to imitate) must be supernal ; for he acknowledges but one supremacy and in that remembers a succession : which makes him leave mans precepts unto frailty, view honor as a thing mediate, himselfe immediately next to his Creator, and doth onely know his high commission a determinable power, not know and murmure. He doth afflict (like lightning) never but when he is resisted. He lackes nothing of divinitie, but Time in his prerogative, the want of which takes away eternitie : so all the honour which relates to him for Gods sake, conveighes it selfe to God for his owne. His feare doth vanish into love or anger ; for he may embrace or conquer, but cannot submit. He preserves many whom he might destroy; but he destroyes none whom he should preserve : for (like a medicine) he doth not naturally draw blood. His royall bounty is as well prompt to take with honour, as to give with liberty. And as he can deserve nothing because on him depends every thing : so is he not by any man to be deserved, because unto him every man owes his whole   / p.144 /   inheritance. If therefore he doth forgive where subjects doe condemne : or chuse when multitudes abandon ; he doth but manifest his free desires, and shew affinity betwixt himselfe and holines, which rayses from the dunghill to the commanding fortune, and from the most obscure disdaine of vulgar thoughts unto the state of happinesse. Nay often-times this secret in publick offices proves true, That men without the ayd of birth, and glory of famous merit, lack only so good an entrance, but have commonly a better ending : or at least, strive more to attaine what others presume uppon. The event therefore makes his large prerogative true wisedome, which may be mis-interpreted weaknesse. The Lyon, a King of beasts, is recovered in sicknesse, by eating an Ape ; and a good King by devouring flatterers. He is the same briefly to his kingdome, that Marius was among the Tigurines : all perishes without him.

---

CHARACTER VI.

A worthy Poet

      IS the purest essence of a worthy Man : He is confident of nature in nothing but the forme, and an ingenious fitnesse to conceive the matter. So he approves nature as the motive, not the foundation or structure of his worthinesse. His workes doe every way pronounce both nourishment, delight, and admiration to the readers soule : which makes   / p.145 /   him neither rough, effeminate, nor windy : for by a sweet contemperature of Tune and Ditty, hee entices others to goodnesse ; and shewes himselfe perfect in the lesson. Hee never writes upon a full stomacke, and an empty head ; or a full head, and an emptie stomacke. For he cannot make so Divine a receptacle, stoope to the sordid folly of gal or enuy, without strength : or strength of braine stoop, and debase it selfe with hunting out the bodies succour. He is not so impartiall as to condemne every new fashion, or taxe idle circumstance ; nor so easie as to allow vices, and account them generous humours. So he neither seekes to enlarge his credit of bitternesse, by a snarling severitie ; nor to augment his substance by insinuating courtship. He hath more debtors in knowledge among the present Writers, then Creditors among the ancient Poets. Hee is possessed with an innocent liberty, which excludes him from the slavish labour and meanes of setting a glosse upon fraile commodities. Whatsoever therfore proceeds from him, proceedes without a meaning to supply the worth, when the worke is ended ; by the addition of preparative verses at the beginning; or the dispersed hire of acquaintance to extoll things indifferent : Neither does he passionatly affect high patronage, or any, further then he may give freely ; and so receive backe honest thankes. The dangerous name and the contempt of Poets, sprung from their multitude of corruptions, proves no disadvantage or terrour to him : for such be his antidotes that hee can walke untouched, even through the worst infection. And indeed that mountebanks preparing oyle which kept his hands unscalded, was a toy of nothing to   / p.146 /   this Poets rarity of discretion, which so prepares his minde, that he can bathe it in the strains of burning lust, fury, malice, or despight, and yet be never scalded, or endangerd by them. He only among men is neerest infinite : For in the Scenicall composures, of a Tragedy or Comodie he shewes the best resemblance of his high Creator : turning his quicke passions, and witty humors to replenish and overcome, into matter and forme as infinite, as Gods pleasure to diversifie mankinde. He is no miserable selfe-lover, nor no unbounded prodigall : for he can communicate himselfe wisely to avoyd dull reservednesse, but not make every thought common, to maintaine his market. It must be imputed to his perfect eye-sight, that he can see error, and avoyde it without the hazard of a new one : As in Poems, so in projects, by an easie conjecture. Hee cannot flatter, nor be flattered : If hee gives Desert, he gives no more ; and leaves Hyperbole in such a mater of importance : As for himselfe, he is so well knowne unto himselfe, that neither publicke fame, nor yet his own conceite, can make him overvalued in himselfe. Hee is an enemy to Athiests ; for he is no Fatist nor Naturalist : hee therefore excludes Lucke and Rime, from the acceptance of his Poems ; scorning to acknowledge the one as an efficient, the other as an essence, of his Muses favour. Hee paies backe all his imitation with interest ; whilst his Authors (if revived) would confesse their chiefe credit was to be such a patterne : otherwise (for the most part) he proves himselfe the patterne, and the project in hand : Silver onely and sound mettall comprehends his nature : rubbing, motion, and customary usage, makes the brightnesse of both more   / p.147 /   eminent. No mervaile though he be Immortall, seeing he converts poyson into nourishment ; even the worst objects and societies to a worthy use. When he is lastly silent (for he cannot die) hee findes a Monument prepared at others cost and remembrance, whilst his former actions bee a living Epitaph.

---

CHARACTER VII.

An honest Lawyer

      IS a precious Diamond set in pure gold, or one truly honest, and a compleate Lawyer : The one gives glory to the other ; and being divided, they be lesse valuable. Divinity, and corrected nature, make him habituall in the first ; but studious labor, and a discursive braine make him equall, if not absolute, in the last ; he knowes Law to be the M^ris. of man, and yet he makes honesty the M^ris. of the Law. The first therfore may exceed the last ; but the last never hath predominance in him, without the other. Hee is too divine to be tempted with feare, favor, Minerals, or possessions ; and too divine not to be tempted with perfect knowledge, and a pittifull complaint : he hath as much leasure to dispute with conscience, in the most busie Terme, as in the deadest Vacation : And he is alwaies more diligent to maintaine wronged poverty, then attentive to allow injurious Greatnesse : he can as freely refuse a prodigall, or enforced bounty, as hee can accept or demand   / p.148 /   due recompence : He resorts, to London with a more full braine, then empty bags, and (at his returne) he purses up more full comfort, then yellow coine. He cannot be so confident as to persist in error : nor so ignorant as to erre by weaknes : When therefore (through an aboundance) some knowledge is confounded, his errour onely proves a doubtful question ; and serves to reduce scattred remnants into method. The multitude of contentions make not him rejoyce in the number, but in the difficulty ; that truth may appeare manifest to our progeny. He railes not against the vices of his profession, but makes his profession commendable by his owne practise of vertue : his Clients disease of being suspended, touches him like his owne sicknes ; hee dares not give a dangerous purgation to dispatch him, nor by negligence and delay, let the evill grow inward and incorporate, to strengthen it selfe, or consume the patient. He is therefore exquisite in preservatives against the consumption ; though perhaps he may faile in restoratives to support weakenesse. He may wel bee a president to the best Physitians : for he undertakes no cure when he perceives it inclining to be desperate : Nay rather he is a true subject, that feares and scornes to meddle with counterfeit peeces, further then to resolve being askd (as Goldsmiths are) whether they will endure the Test. So hee makes the cause, and not his Client, the object of his labour. If he have favour enough to make truth be currant, he looks no further : which he needs not to patch businesse ; nor would he willingly persue it : if truth were not often discountenanced. He doth therfore at a Judges death lament the death of his learning not his owne   / p.149 /   private lucre : He can ride the circuit, and scorne to be circular. He hath no leasure to protract time or save his Clients opinion with jests premeditated, or windy inferences : His modesty was never below his courage in a good cause, nor his courage inclining to impudence, though he were still honored with a prosperous event. He owes so much worship to desert and innocence, that he can as faithfully applaud sufficient worth, as not insult over, or exclaime against dull ignorance. He is miraculously preserved against incantations : the strongest spell cannot charme him silent, nor the most tempting spirit provoke him to a vaine pleading. He dares know and professe in spight of potency ; hee dares be rich and honest in despight of custome : And if he doth not grow from a good man, to a reverend Title, hee scornes to bee a Traytor and blame tyranny which overslips deservings ; but he descends below his owne unworthinesse. Briefly, he is a precious vessell ; he indures the rest and the defiance of time : hee is a sound commodity which never failes the Customer : and doth hartily confesse that whosoever swarves from this patterne, swarves from honesty, though hee be deepely learned: Howsoever, he thinks a Lawyer deepely learned cannot chuse but bee honest ; except multitude of Clients oppresse him.

/ p.150 /

CHARACTER VIII.

A Detractor

      IS his owne private foe, and the worlds professed enemy : Hee is indeed an obstinate heretick, and if you will convert him, you must anew create him likewise : hee is of the Mahumetan sect which hath despised all religious Arts and Sciences, except the confusion of all : so he approves continually the worst thinges among many good, and condemnes that which is judiciously commended : To read therfore and refuse, makes up the best part of his judgement. He hath an impediment in his language proceeding from his heart (Ignorance, Spight, Disdaine, Envy) ; which makes him that he cannot speak well of any man. His five sences have a mortall combat with all objects, that afford sence, or any thing upon which they fasten : his eye could never yet behold a woman fair enough, or honest enough, on whom he might bestow the sincere part of his affection : but he marries one to beget an equall society of froward children : His eare was never well contented with a delicious tune, for the left is onely open, and that onely apt to conceive discords, through a customary habit ; which hath rejected all, and therefore will : For that he once hath, and is againe minded to discredit worthinesse, gives him both reason and encouragement to continue spightfull : But (to our comfort be it spoken) his envy ends commonly with himselfe, or at most, indeavors not otherwise then a nasty / p.151 / passenger, to rub against, and defile faire outsides, because himselfe is loathsome : hee stopps his nose if a perfume approach, but can well indure a stinking draft, or kennell, and embrace the savour : His palate hath no relish except hee may discommend his dyet, and yet hee consumes all to the very fragments : hee touches or takes up nothing which is not blasted by him with a naturall dislike ; or at least hee will utter the manifest forme of discontent. You must beleeve him sick or cloy'd with sweet meats : for his judgement being out of tast, he cannot relish. His tongue, the Herald of his imagination, is a busie Officer, and will (without question) challenge the same reward of him, that it doth of women, for it dispatcheth the same service, and deserves therfore (proportionably alike) to be called the maine property of each : hee is not inferiour also, to a woman in malice ; for she is that way limited to some persons, though undeterminable in spight : but hee transcends ; accounting it his pompe to bee infinitely licentious towards all. Hee railes against the State, and speakes treasons confidently to himselfe alone, expecting an event of his desires : Nay, sometimes hee is taken (through the licence of his tongue, and a little sufferance of the company) in peremptory speeches that bring to his answere : Neither will he hearken to reformation, till hee lackes his eares : Hee is not (if a Church-man) ashamed to quarrell, first with his Patron, and openly disclaim against the poor value of his Benefice : If, a common humorist, hee will diminish the worth likewise of a guift, before the givers face ; and lookes to the disconveniences, not the commodity, hee getts by / p.152 / possession : If he commends any man (which is a great wonder) hee presently after will recite the speciall favour and bounties he hath received by him. A slight Arithmetician may cast up the totall summe of his Character : and by substraction (being the body of his soule) may finde him under the value of an honest man, above halfe in halfe : For hee lackes Charity, and so comes short of a good Christian : And therefore is an egregious coward because he scornes to justifie, except hee railes against the dead ; thither he hastens being unworthy to live longer : And as Dyogenes hath long since resolved, hee is the worst among wilde beastes, none excepted.

---

CHARACTER IX.

An Humorist

      IS the scorne of Understanding, the traytor to Reason, or the vanity of a better man : Bloud-letting, a good whip, honest company, or reasonable instructions might (at the first) recover him. But if hee continues among laughing spirits one quarter, the disease will growe inward, and then the cure growes desperate. If his humour be hereditary, hee is more familiar with it, and makes it the principall vertue of his family : If imitation breeds a habite, he makes it the pledge of sworne brother-hood, or at least the favour of new acquaintance ; hee never is infected single, or with one humour onely : for either he is now admitted to the severall / p.153 / orders ; or hee is prompt enough to subscribe generally when occasion peeps. You must not dare to discommend, or call in question, his behaviour seriously with his companions ; for though you cannot call the humor lawfull, it is sufficient if you can call it his humour. You may justly forbeare to Restraine him ; for if hee be truely adopted, he thinkes it an especiall part to be respectlesse. Tobacco is a good whetstone for his property ; hee doth seldome therefore forget to provoke his constitution this way : and (by being insatiate) he knowes well his humour may escape the search of reason, by vertue of the mist. He hath from his cradle bin swadled up, with much obstinate and peremptory affectation : It being indeed commonly the character of his ripest age, to support that freely in his man-hood, which was forbidden in the spark of his minority : hee never slips oportunity with deliberation : hee is therefore prompt enough to begin, and the reason of his act is enough, though onely that hee hath begun ; because humour is the motive. There is nothing within the compasse of thought so triviall, so absurd, and monstrous, which his vanity will not averre to be ponderous, decent, and naturall. Neither will hee abhor to justifie them by his owne practise, against all opposers. He travailes up and downe like Tom of Bedlam, under the title of mad Rascall, Witty Rogue, or Notable mad slave : and these attributes bee a more effectuall oratory to applaud his humour, then a direct commendation. He will not sometimes (upon small discontinuance) vouchsafe to acknowledge, or (at least) know, his familiar friendes, without much impertinence and Interrogatories of their name, or / p.154 / habitation : whilst another time, hee dares adventure his knowledge, and salutations upon meer aliens. Hee is very much distracted, and yet I wonder how the frenzy should bee dangerous ; for hee never breakes his braine about the study of reason or invention : seeing his humor is the priviledge of both : It is therfore sufficient for him to bee extreame melancholly, and most ignorant of the cause or object : and suddenly to bee unmeasurably frollick without provocation : whilst he is onely beholding to a brainlesse temperature in discharge of his credit. He will converse freely with Serving-men and Souldiers within 12. houres ; and presently when the ague hath once seized him, hee proves tyrannicall and insolent towards the silly vermin. He never brake a vow in his whole life, or brake vowes continually : for eyther they have not suited with his varietie, to bee intended, or hee hath intended to keepe them no longer then might agree with his body, which ebbes and flowes. When hee growes old, and past voyce, hee learnes forraigne languages ; as if when he had dined, he would devoure the dishes. In a word, hee is a chiefe commander of new actions, but no commander of himselfe ; being in his best braverie but a Turkish slave, ever subject to desire and appetite : according to their paterne, he is himselfe to himselfe praise-worthy, or elegant ; but to worthinesse it selfe, odious.

/ p.155 /

CHARACTER X.

A weake-brain'd Gull

      IS a needelesse ornament : And yet an ornament to make wiser men more accounted. Some call him a petulant neat youth : I rather thinke him a glasse bottle in a gilded case : that is, a fayre outside with a braine easily broken. Hee takes the upper hand of a foole, nay of a wise man also ; and in opinion is as good as a Courtier. According to Platoes definition hee is no man, Plato defined a man to be a two-legd creature, having broade talents without feathers ; but this above named gull weares feather enough to hide a Helmet. His education hath bin (from a child) tenderly fearefull ; and the mother remaines still afraide of his fortunes, least his politick wisedome should hazard them too arre [? farre] : whilst his fortunes hazard his wisedom. He hath beene alwayes a yong Master, and yoked his eares first to insinuation, under some oylie tong'd servant, or flattering Tutor. Hee continues love no longer then hee finds a fellow consenting to his vaine-glory : the dislike of which sooner then any thing makes him to be cholericke, to resolve and fight perhaps : but otherwise To know hee hath rich kindred, and to derive a pedegree ; satisfie his Valor, Learning, proficience in Estate or credit with meere contemplation. So much indeede doth hee hang uppon the pillars of his gentrie, as it shall therefore be the first preparative of his acquaintance to salute, / p.156 / and aske What countrey-man your Father is, of what house : or hee will enquire his demesnes onely (of some neighbour :) and if your body be hansome, your cloathes proportionable, your parents wealthy ; he hath purchased an everlasting friend in the beginning. A round oath is valour enough, a foolish Dittie Art enough, and good fellowshippe honesty enough. He should be bought up in Italy (among the butchers) for an English Calfe : because hee carries his whole prise and value about him. The truth is, hee scornes to bee a searcher, and thinkes it enough for his Taylor to meddle with linings. But in the circumstance of making your cloathes, the price of your Beaver and silke stockins, your purpose to travaile, or of your long absence ; The Spanish Inquisition cannot be so unmercifull. Hee is contented richly, nay absolutely, to be taken onely for a harmlesse man. Suppose he hath now left the universitie, and bringes a little dreame of Logicke from the Colledge ; being arived at London, hee stickes a feather in his Hat ; and it is all one as if he had fastened it in his head : for his braine, from that day foreward becomes broken. The generositie and noble carriage of his discourse, is to run desperatly into the name of some couragious gallant Knight, or some Baron in favour : if their alliance to his family can be detected, he gives way with an apparent relish. The wisest action that ever he atempted, was to spare much folly in discourse by fingering his beard or bandstrings : and if he bestowes much on Tobacco he cannot be blamed much : for it hath many times freed him from the discredit of a Non plus. He is very well fitted for all societies, if his outside be / p.157 / sutable ; further then which he never conversed with himselfe effectually. Nor can I wonder, though hee payes deerely and preserves cloaths delitiously ; seeing those alone are maintenance of his whole worth ; and therefore you shal perceive him more furiously engaged about the rending of his doublet, or a little lace, then a magnanimous box, or a bastinado : And he will enter into a Taverne at the foreside, though hee might goe a meerer way, onely to discover his gold lace and scarlet. If his bands and cuffs be sun-burnt they wil not much mis-become him : for hee thinkes himselfe an unlucky Asse, if a painted beauty doth not shine upon him. He is ambitiously given to bee promoted, either by some embassage to divulge his pedigree, and learne fashions, or by entertainment of some chiefe Noble-men to discover his bounty : But his worst ambition is to salute the next Coach or Foot-cloth : and hee thinkes verily that the prize of a florishing salutation winns more credit then his Beaver. He will hang out at the Taverne window as commonly as the signe ; that hee may see naked brests and velvet linings passe along ; and wrap their graces in his fancy till the next Sunns-rising. Hee shifts his Familiars by the survey of prospect, and externals ; but his directions proceed from the Proverbe of like to like, rather then Physiognomy. Hee is credulous and confident : the lesse certainty he hath of a report, the more publicke hee is, and peremptory. Hee commits the best part of his understanding to a talkative Barber : with whome he is the more frequent, because he thinks to have a curle-pate, is to have a visible wit. He studies a new fashion by the six months together : and reades Albertus Magnus, or / p.158 / Aristotles Problemes in English, with admiration. Hee would bee Phisicall, and justly ; for not to preserve his folly in health, were to deceive the world of his pattern : but being merry for disgestion, his laughter is exorbitant causelesse, endlesse, and like himselfe : But fooles of his owne fashion praise him, for a witty Gentleman, or a gentlemanly Fellow. His safest course will be to marry : nothing makes him so sencible as a Wife, good or bad ; till then, the further hee flies from his Caracter, hee becomes it the more naturally.

---

CHARACTER XI.

A Ranke Observer

      IS his owne Comœdy, and his own Audience : For whatsoever he frames by experience, hee applaudes by custome : But being out of his element, he is an Eele in a sand bag ; for hee, wanting the humor of his wrested observance, falles away into ignorant silence. Hee is arrogant in his knowledge so far, as hee (thinks) to study men, will excuse him from the labour of reading, and yet furnish him with absolute rarities, fit for all fashions, all discourses. Hee is a very promiscuous fellow ; and from thence proceeds the vice which makes him without difference, comprehend ponderous and triviall passages under the same degree of value or estimation. For whatsoever becomes his politicke vent, becomes his understanding. When hee doth therefore fill up the vessell of his conceits, he hath regard to such things as may bee / p.159 / uttered with most advantage, either of money among the Players, or reputation among the general Gallants of our Cittie. He takes account of all humours, and through the practise of a contempt to all, he partakes in al : for he uses what he derides under the priviledge of scorne, and so makes it familiar. So the largest benefite which others reape, by contemning the vice in himselfe, arises beyond his purpose or intention : for he extends to others no further then agrees with his owne greedy constitution ; meaning to credit or enrich himselfe, not amend others : by which meanes all his goodnesse is accidentall. He doth (notwithstanding) in some poynts resemble vertue ; but in the worst manner. For being impartiall, he playes the tyrant ; and sels the vices of his dearest friends to discovery, by playes or pamphlets, but is content that they should still reserve them to their future infamy : So he becomes sooner excluded oftentimes from society, then his flattering shifts can readily repaire. Flattery and insinuation be indeed the number of his thriving moral vertues, through which (under a pretence of faire meaning) he takes occasion to betray the marrow of mans variety : and this affoords fuell for his bitter derision. His Table-bookes be a chiefe adjunct, and the most significant Embleme of his owne quallity, that man may beare about him : for the wiping out of olde notes give way to new : and he likewise, to try a new disposition, will finally forsake an ancient friends love : because hee consists of new enterprises. He makes the best he can of witty turnings ; and therfore hee spares conceits worth naming in company, to make a further benifit. If you desire to know a man of this profession ; you must a while / p.160 / observe him, and he will presently shew himselfe after two meetings : for he will then talke (as it were) by a catechisme of discourse : keeping a certain forme of language as if hee durst not go beyond the circle. His capacity is apprehensive in a strange measure : if hee were lesse capable, he might be more commended. For hee incroches often upon admittance (where thinges be well delivered) to multiply his observation and he will verifie things, through a scandalous supposall, as if they were now committed. If hee converts to a deserving quality, hee will propound the credit of a good meaning no stipend for his vain discoveries. Till then, he must indure to be suspected, or odious, whilst hee whispers closely among free companions : Neither must he hope to amend this Age or himselfe ; because hee never intended the first, and the last he forgets (though he intended it) through vain-glory as beeing transported with this pride onely, that he hath observed, and can observe againe. Briefly hee resembles a foolish patient, who takes a costive pill to loosen his body : for whilst he meanes to purge himself by observing other humors, he practises them by a shadow of mockage, and so becomes a more fast corruption : if he doth not therfore feele the disease, hee dies Hide bound.

/ p.161 /

CHARACTER XII.

A simple polititian

      IS a purblind Fox, that pretends machiavell should be his sire : but he proves a mungrell : he was taken from Schoole before he had learned true Latine ; and therefore in triviall things only, he partakes with craftinesse ; because hee lacks true breeding, and true bringing up. Hee labours commonly for opinion where hee is so well known that opinion woulde persecute him, without labour : hee thinkes religion deceives most unsuspected and therefore hee first seemes to bee a zealous Christian. The Church is a principall parte of his devotion ; and to be a frequent Auditor, or outwardly attentive is a sure defence (hee thinkes) against Capitall errour. Hee is openly kinde-hearted ; cries God forbid. Amen, Christ be his comfort. But rather then he will seeme a Puritane, with indifferent companions, hee can breake an obscene Jest, be wanton, sociable or any thing till hee converse with a Presitian by whome hee hopes to save : then his eyes roule upward, his hands are elevated, commiserating tearmes be multiplid, with sighes innumerable : then hee rayles against the wicked, whome a little before hee heartily saluted. And after some paraphrase uppon the verse of such an Evangelist, Apostle, or Prophet, hee dismisses the Puritan, that he may laugh heartily. He is therefore much like a bookesellers shoppe on Bartholomew day at London ; the stall of which are so adornd with bibles and prayer-bookes, / p.162 / that almost nothing is left within, but heathen knowledge. His minde and memorie put on the same vizard of greatnesse, which makes him so much incline to the posture of weighty labors, that he gives no attention to things openly recited, though they actually possesse him. To bee imployed therefore for a Noble-man, is (to him) an infinite trouble, and begets imployment with all acquaintance to discover it : so the bare meanes to make men think hee is much entertained, costs a time equall to his occurrents. Being to bee visited (though by sure Clients) he hath the roome of attendance, the Art of delay, and a visage that seems pittifully interrupted. If he rides to dispatch, the horses be early sadled and brought into the foreside, that neighbours may observe, when after five or six houres expectation, hee comes like one that was detained by urgent importunacies. If the company be pleased to laugh at his inhærent folly, he doth by and by assure you ; give mee a sudden jest or nothing ; some use your printed jest, I cannot endure it. His best materials to worke upon, bee Time, and Place ; which if they affoord circumstance to let you understand his new purchase, his new buildings, the great marriage of his Children, or entertainment of high personages, or bountie towards an Hospitall, it comes freely and fitly, if openly. When occasions trouble him a little, he loves to trouble himselfe extreamly ; and thinkes it a poynt of reaching pollicie, to reprove or amend that formally, which hath beene allowed by singular good judgments. If hee dares (with priviledge of the hearers ignorance) disparage worth in any, hee takes leave of the occasion, and his own policie. This / p.163 / he takes in honour of his courtship to shew hee can be ambitious ; and build on others ruines : But this proclaymes him a starved Canniball ; who, through the famin of desert, supplies worthinesse with his owne excrement of detraction. His desire and audacitie are at open strife ; when hee would but dares not commend himselfe, by correcting anothers facultie : then with a strained laughter, and a willing palsie in his head, hee seemes to discover somwhat is unsetled ; or he makes his elbow signifie that somthing wants his finger. His complements are at libertie, his friendship lies locked up in prison ; the key whereof he hath lost willingly. For if you call him friend before he hath wrested the advantage of an enemy, hee leaves you destitute, but more happy then you beleeve. If hee can seeme to forget your countenance, hee intends that you must thinke him devoted to thinges above you, or that his braine labours ; and uppon this ground he walkes when hee neglects your salutations, or takes no notice of your person. Briefly, he is a man of this daies profit : he respects nothing without double interest, and that by compulsion. Hee is a weake foe, a weaker friend, or the generall shadow of a wiser man.

/ p.164 /

CHARACTER XIII.

A Spend-thrift

      IS a man ever needy, never satisfied, but ready to borrow more then hee may be trusted with : The question of him will bee, whether his learning (if he hath any) doth out ballance his braine, and so becomes a burthen ; or whether both be crept into his outward sences : Certainely his Intellectuals of wit, and wisdome, may bee manifest, but are (like the seaven Starrs) seldome seen together ; they mutually succeed as having vow'd to governe by course : Whilst wit raignes, excesse, and ryot hath the upper hand : But when hee recollects himselfe, he is wholly metamorphosed ; wit gives place, and his extreme of wisedom, disclaimes the smile of a merry countenance. His only joy is to domineere, bee often saluted, and have many Creditors : his Lordships lye among the Drawers, Tobacco-men, Brokers, and Panders : But adversity makes him leave company, and fall to house-keeping, and then his servants be vanished into Sergeants. I dare protest Doctor Anthony will not make Aurum potabile like a Spend-thrift : The truth is, a spend-thrift can dissolve a monarchy of gold if hee had it. His onely flatterers bee Conceite and Fancy, which charge Memory the Steward, to bring no Accompts in till they be casheerd ; which cannot bee whilst Imitation is his Captaine, or Credite his Corporall. Hee wooes creditors, as Gentlemen a faire Sempstress : hee will promise much and meane nothing : for his distributes his / p.165 / words as commonly do Printers. Hee dreams of being Lord chiefe Justice, or at least being eminent, though hee lives dissolutely ; and hath no Saint but Fortune. Hee is, and ever will bee a quarter behind with frugality ; in which volume hee cannot bee perfect, because the book is imperfect : for hee still rendes out the beginning of his lesson ; being not able to begin a thrifty course. His Heaven upon Earth is a faire Mistresse ; and though his meanes bee large, yet his principall sorrow is the lacke of maintenance. Hee is scarce any part of a Christian till hee goes to Prison, and then perhaps hee enters into Religion : If he doth not, I am sure hee is dead in law and turnes Cloister-man. The misery of his sence is an old man, and his fathers life troubles him not a little : Almanackes therefore which foretell the death of Age, bee very acceptable. The hurly burly of his braine is infinite, and he scarcely knowes what hee may freely make an election of. Hee is most truly like a broken lace, or seame-rent cloake ; ready to bee taken hold of, as hee walkes along, by every crooked naile and tenter-hook. His worst bawd is too good a nature, which makes him incident to false applauses, and carve his soule out among his familiars : hee hath multitudes of deere acquaintance, but his deerest friends are ready to stabbe him : For either those whom hee accompts so, bee men of fashion ; or those who bee indeed so, desire his death, because they see no amendment. Hee is in great request, and much enquired ; being like a dangerous booke still about to bee called in : For hee is no sooner out of one prison but he is called into another. Hee scornes to acknowledge his debts, but as / p.166 / things of duty, with which mechanickes are (as he thinkes) bound to uphold high birth and Gentry : but the end proves otherwise. His downefall therfore is not admired, because hee was ever falling ; and his bare excuse, makes experience the shadowe. Briefly, hee may seem a treacherous friend ; for hee deales dishonestly with all that challenge intrest in him ; they bee his Creditors : And yet hee deales more lovingly with them, then with himselfe : for when he paies them, he punisheth himselfe ; If he cannot pay, hee is punished more then they ; and punished enough, because hee cannot pay : For then hee consumes.

---

CHARACTER XIV.

A Ubiquitary

      IS a Journey-man of all Trades, but no saver because no setter up : Hee would be an Epitome of Arts, and all things, but is indeed nothing lesse then himselfe : If an itchy Taylor gave him not his making, hee had (I thinke) perpetually been unmade : For if hee scratch his head, the body cals him ; if the body, then his elbow ; if his elbow, then again the body ; if the body, then the head itches : So never quiet, never constant, still doing, still about to doe the same, remaines my dooer doing nothing. The worst of Dog-dayes was his birth-day when fleas abounded, which (from his cradle) have so bitten him, as till his death he must be / p.167 / tickled. The worme of giddinesse hath crept into his private purposes : every houre, almost, gives him a new Being, or, at least, the purpose to bee an other thing then hee is. So that I might almost say of him as Scaliger saith of Locus ; that he is Quodammodo ens, quodammodo non ens. If a Country life invites him hee yeelds : the Court requests him, he yeelds likewise : But then disgrace averts him to his study ; a Library is gotten : by this time love hath struck him, and he adores the Saint : But then some play declames against this love : hee quickly is perswaded, and followes Poetry. Thus my vagabond of vanity is from post to pillar transported, because hee travels without a perfect licence. You shall soone discern him by his arguments and reasons ; They (for the principalls) flow from one fountaine of ignorance : for all his proofe depends upon I thinke so, Every man saith so, All dislike it : His very conversation is infectious, but never frustrate : for eyther you must follow him, and that way you must looke to be a looser : or he will follow you, and then resolve that your intention thrives but badly. No object, no societie, season, thought, or language, comes amisse, or unexpected : his pollicie therefore seekes to be rather frequent then effectuall ; to run about the world daily, then travell seriously ; to see a multitude, before societie ; and gesse at much, rather then know a little. In his discourse he daunces All Trades, and flies from field to thicket, as being hunted by an Ignis fatuus. Talke of Academies and hee tels you Court-newes : search into the estate of a question, and he tels you what new booke is extant. If you discourse he still desires the conclusion ; / p.168 / and is attentive rather to the sequell, then careful to understand the premisses. In his behaviour he would seeme French, Italian, Spanish, or any thing, so he may seeme un-vulgar ; accounting it barbarous not to contemne his owne nation, or the common good, because hee loves to bee more valued by seeming singularly pretious : His diverse habit onelye discovers him to be true English : and to bee weary of the place, colours his employment : To live (with him) is all vanitie : and that life alone his deerest happinesse : his death therefore may bee some-what doubtfull, because with it hee hath no Beeing.

---

CHARACTER XV.

A Gamester

      IS Fortunes Vassaile, temptations Anvile, or an outlandish text, which may be soone translated into cheaters English : He affects gaming from a schoole-boy : and superstitiously fore-thinks how his minde gives him. The elements of fire, earth, and aire, be with him alike predominant : he is inflamed with rage, melancholy with thoughts, joviall with fortune : but hee never weeps in sorrow or repentance : When hee looses little, you must know he looses much, for hee loves that any man should conjecture he is able : But though his lucke be infinite to win aboundance, yet can he seldome have the lucke to purchase. If he quarrels / p.169 / you may protest hee looses, and he must scramble or be beaten ere hee can bee quiet : if he make peace you must meet him in the winning way ; and then you might more safely swagger with him : he loves his owne advantage well enough to be a Lawyer, but would make a most preposterous Judge. The seaven deadly sinnes sleep in his pocket ; and hee never drawes money but the noise awakes them. Pride, Lechery, Sloth, and Gluttony, be his Sabboth sinnes, which (out of gettings) he employes on Festivals, and Sundayes. Blaspemy and murther play the Drawers with him, and bring the fearefull reckoning of his losses ; and in steed of Usury, Theft plaies the Scrivener to furnish him with money : He can both fast, and watch, and yet is farre enough from being a true penitent : for curses following, doe discover why the rest was intended. Let him be sunne-burnt and ill-favourd, yet he hath this priviledge, that if he scornes quarrelling and false Dice, he shall be thought a faire gamester. Fortune makes him her most silly States-man : shee holds him by the chinne a while, but ere he can recover what he onely wishes, he sinkes incontinent, and worthily, for losse and gaine alike encourage him, but never satisfie. Neither cares he to be thought an insatiable fellow : for when he hath in any mans opinion, fild his belly, his bones, are most busie. If he plaies upon Ticket, he knowes you are but a simple fellow not able to exact, though hee resolves to pay nothing ; so he did never purchase, if not this way, except he borrowes ; and that extends farre enough to make him thy debtor at his own pleasure. If he be perished, his restauration is too feminine, though not degenerate ; / p.170 / for seeing he was ruind under the Goddesse Fortune, he may well claime the portion of a rich widdow. If neither shee, nor any shee-creature else be gratious, let him unpittied prove a Cheater, for he thrust himselfe to exile, and went to willing bondage.

---

CHARACTER XVI.

A Novice

      IS one still ready to aske the way, yet farre from finding it, though you doe direct him : He is indeed a simple thing of one and twenty, that dares safely be a pupill to any Tutor. Or take him naturally for a familiar kinde of Spaniell, that may be readily taken up, and stolne away from himselfe, or his best resolutions. He is ever haunted with a blushing weakenesse, and is as willing to embrace any, as not to bee distastfull unto any : he trusts any mans opinion before his owne, and will commit his life to him that can insinuate : you get acquaintance with him by a bare salutation ; drinke to him with a new complement, and you have purchased his entire love, till hee bee cheated. The name of Country-man, or civill carriage, unlockes his Cabinet of intentions, till you extract the very quintessence. Good Fortunes tickle him without measure ; and he findes no reason to moderate his joy, till he shewes the way for others to disapoint him ; and being disapointed he is quiet. He cannot chuse but be exceeding credulous, for he confutes nothing further then his / p.171 / eye-sight, or common sense extends. Draw him to the paradise of taking all in good part ; or teach him to apprehend the worst things well, by screwing in a meere conceit of your generosity, and he will thrust the ward-shippe of his credit, Lands, or Body, to your patronage ; So you may take reliefe, and tender Marriage though his father held not in Knights service. If you misdoubt he should perceive you, or if you thinke it difficult to deceive him ; compare his Title with his Index, or both together with his stuffe contained, and you may soone discerne him : For eyther unexpectedly he doth betray himself, or false fire will discharge him : with much a doe, desiring to get a Mistrisse, hee proves some whores Idolater ; and he feeles naturally for the harvest of his chin before seede time. Being a little boulstred up with sweete heresies of subtill language, and Musicall Tavernes, he suddenly beginnes (except some charitable hand reclaimes him) to mistake Tobacco for a precious hearbe : and often-times I thinke it cures his raw humour, by operation of the price, without the Physicke. You may easilie also drive him to mistake brown paper for Littletons Tenures ; canvas, and Red Herrings, for his Fathers hopp-bagges and Lent provision. I need not say hee will be valorous ; for Parasites and Cony-catchers know, he oftentimes can see he hath been cheated, and yet his modesty will not suffer him to inforce satisfaction. He is the common stocke of Roaring-boyes and Sharkes, to remedy their wants : A bigg protestation makes him yeeld to any man of outside that will borrow, as soon as ten theives with swords and pistols : So that hee is good for nothing but to blunten a Cheaters pollicy ; because he is / p.172 / catcht with so little paines taking. A Spiders thred will catch him : an easie charme will strip him naked. Hee will much wonder at a triviall event, and thinkes it Witch-craft to foresee disadvantage. As for the world, Religion, or naturall causes, he can enquire of them, but difficultly beleive reason : In the shutting up therefore of his folly hee doth confesse the Character, and leaves it to succession.

---

CHARACTER XVII.

An Epicure

      IS the picture of Some-body, or a man of two sences : the Eye and the Palate : for his smelling property is stuffed with the vapours of a full stomacke ; his hands are the instruments of his mouth, no sences ; and the belly hath no eares, but a trusse to support it : He is his owne Taylor, and thinks directly that more expences belong to the linings, then to the outside. Hee will grow friends with any man, that serves his stomacke : If he reads the fable in Æsop how the members conspir'd against the belly ; he growes empty with conceite of it ; and in revenge (I thinke) makes the belly conspire against the members. He cannot stirre in businesse without a Coach, or a Litter ; and then hee is suddenly interrupted, if the clocke strikes Eleven. Hee is (whatsoever some thinke) a good Physition for his owne body : for hee still riseth from the Table with an appetite ; and is soone ready for another meale of dainties. If hee bee a Lawyer, the best meates will / p.173 / soonest corrupt his carkasse, and his conscience : for he feeds immoderately, and will doe much for a brace of Pheasants. If hee bee a Divine, he preaches all Charity, and discommends Gentlemen extreamely, because they leave House-keeping. He thinks his bed the best study, and therfore speakes well in the praise of stretching meditations. He accounts Cookery a delicate science, and preferres the knowledge of confectionary receipts ; to which purpose nothing passes through the throat, till he takes particular notice of the ingredients. He is troubled much to thinke, how hee may most readily shorten his life, and not perceive the reason : Therefore hee revolves continually, what may bee most convenient for the taste, and hurtfull for the stomacke. He invites himselfe to much provender by accident of visitation ; though hee comes with a resolved policy : But hee scornes blushing, like a common smell-feast : and upon true reason : For modest bloud (being clarified and pure) cannot finde way, through inch-deepe fatt, when it is call'd to answere. Hee provokes many solemne meetings, under the title of Hospitality, when hee makes himselfe (by these meanes) fitter for an Hospitall. Hee is contented to bestow broken meate among poore folkes, but no money : for he loves not to depart with that, in which himselfe hath been no taster. He is the noted foe of famine, and yet hee is daily imployed about the procreation of a dearth : for the value of nothing is beyond his ability, if hee hath present money, though no more then enough to discharge the present commodity ; or credite to make men trust upon executors. Hee hath heightned the price of out-Landish-fruits, and hath purchased / p.174 / the generall name to our Countrey of Sweet-mouth'd English-men. Marrow-pyes, Potato-rootes, Eringoes, and a cup of Sacke bee his chiefest Restoratives, and comfortable Phisicke : Hee makes no dinner without a second course. He is over-ruled more by his teeth, then his appetite : For when they growe weary, he leaves feeding, and falls to drinking : which argues (unlesse I mistake) a larger capacity of Stomacke then Understanding. But hee doth or should tremble, to see meate stuft with Parsely ; because it represents a Coarse laid out for buriall. He keeps a high point of statelinesse in carriage ; for hee delights rather in a subtill flatterer, or secretary, that gives good elbowe attendance, then to heare himselfe discourse, or any who neglects to feed his humour ; either with commendations, or vailing reverence to his high fortunes, or with licentious fables, and derisions of his opposites. If dinner bee ended, and you desire to converse with him, you must tarry till he be awake : for his vast chaire, a downy couch, and chiefly a fine capable seat in the Church, that may confront the Preacher, are three easie and common receptacles for his full stomack. None resembles death in sleepe so fitly, yet none makes lesse morall. For indeede his sleeps are full of stinke and rottennes ; and so secure, that they rather prove death it selfe, then a remembrance. It is reported how Cambletes the gluttonous King of Lydia devoured in a dreame his wife while she lay sleeping together in the same bed ; and finding her hand betweene his teeth when he awaked, he slew himselfe fearing dishonour : which story is intended (I thinke) an epicures morall : for in his idle dreaming life, he / p.175 / will devour a wives portion, and when he hath consumed all to fragments he wakens : and (fearing discredit) dyes unto the world by living obscurely or pines away in sorrow. Briefly, being true English, hee will abhorre thirst, and hunger, because he scornes a Spaniard, and his properties.

---

CHARACTER XVIII.

A Churle

      IS the superfluity of solemne behaviour : And was intended for an allay to fifty light Joviall constitutions ; but Nature being then otherwise employed, hee was (against her will) made a monstrous lump of Humanity ; through the negligence of her hand-maids : good nutriment, and education : or the malice of her enemies, Sorrowes and affrightment. Hee is the unsociable sonne of Saturne, that lookes strangely at the face of man, as if he were another thing then himselfe. Hee thinkes, to be familiar is to betray himselfe ; and that the world might plentifully be inhabited, by him onely, and a couple of drudges. If you be civill, he saith you are phantasticke ; and friendly language he termes flattery. His learning and advise be a company of miserable proverbs much of this making ; a foole and his money is soone parted : Wise enough to keepe his owne : store is no sore : light gaines make a heavy purse : bring not a noble to ninepence : He speakes of sparing as if he fitted himselfe to / p.176 / beg in a grate and pray passengers to spare their charitable almes : And hee doth readily consent to the prisoners when they beg in that language. You may offend your selfe and him, lesse, if you kill him right out, then if you discourse with him halfe an houre. No estate, no advancement, can remove his humour : for he doth not live (whilst he lives not discontented) but sleeps, or counterfeits. He thinkes salutations were ordained to beguile, or betray ; hee loves not therefore to salute, or be saluted. He will refuse gifts, that come from reconciled foes, and thinkes an injurie can never be forgotten. On equall termes likewise, he is hartily unwilling to receive, except (in glory) he can over-value his deserts, by thinking he hath deserved tenne times more. A selfe-respect, and a disdaine of others, be his nourishing vices : So he chuses rather to loose a bargaine, then to become a debtor ; for he holds it more honour and pollicy to steale, then to be beholding. If you enquire his health, or the times newes, hee dares protest you are an impertinent, or a shallow companion. He may be called Barbarous by the same reason that Barbary was called Barbarie : for hee doth alwaies murmur. Other mens triumph is his sorrow, other mens sorrow his triumph : for in his conscience he hath rejoyced never, if not in the mis-fortunes of some, or all. The least adversity makes him thinke upon a halter : and if you perswade him to patience, by remembring others crosses, or the necessity of trouble in this life, he will be worse madded with your councell then with his affliction. His councells and instructions, makes him shew, most like a Chimney set on fire ; consisting of ranke sootie choler : which doth / p.177 / enflame and harden whomsoever he deales with ; not warme nor molifie with comforts and perswasions : It is better to perish, then to crave his helpe : for he limits himselfe only to negatives. His entertainments be, a fierce dogge to bid you welcome, a currish voice to confirme it, and the way is open for a fare-well. The first two be apparant, the latter he intends : So doth he embrace acquaintance or neighbours ; but impotent people he threatens in another kinde, with Whippe, stocks, and Beadle, they onely be his familiars and defenders. His Dog, and hee, are the onely good fellowes, and his dogge proves the better man, by being more tractable. He will prevent you in a commodity, and give more ; as also hee dares discredit any thing, or any, not with a meaning to commend his own, but to endammage others. Hee will bee shaven all waies to the best helpe of a deformity : And though his actions will soone verifie the character, yet he will more mis-shape nature by ill-favoured Linnen, a greasie Felt, and garments made for the purpose ; as if hee meant to discover himselfe by the fore-head, least hee should not bee knowne quickly. Hee is unsatisfied upon the smallest wrong, and will rather take the lawes assignement, though a trifle, then be content with large composition : yet none doth more grumble against the Law-professors. Hee listens to the death of great Personages, as a Butchers dogge to the Oxes slaughter ; rejoycing to be glutted with his entrailes, or vices, seeing hee is not bettred by his body of worth, the best food. It fattens him to heare a prodigalls consumption, though hee partakes nothing in the Bootie. If you fasten a guift upon him, his thankes bee liberall (though he doth not requite) if / p.178 / hee doth not brand you with an insinuating Title : Yet in extremity of his humour hee is so farre (as he thinkes) from being uncharitable, as hee makes the charity of Counsell, Purse, or Assistance, things that would give little thanke for his labour : and so he practises them under the ranke of such things as doe not concern him : He saith therefore, Meddle with me, when I meddle with you. So that if shame provokes his wealth to invite strangers, hee hath no bountiful meaning, but a resolution to live by broken meate long after : which doth not savour well, except it bee mouldy : that, and himselfe therefore, should be spent sooner ; otherwise they grow visibly odious, but himselfe more odious then that.

---

CHARACTER XIX.

An Atheist

      IS no reasonable Man : For hee will sooner embrace a superficiall colour in things of moment, then search into direct causes : As for obvious and common accidents, he never lookes upon them so much with reason as upon matters of course. In all he doth desire, hee is little better then a Beast ; fore-casting onely to make a good temporall successe, and satisfie himselfe by his owne projects : and he is therfore no reasonable man, because no religious man : For Heathens and Barbarians have from the beginning been worshippers of somwhat. There needes no better direction to know there is a God ; then to knowe that an Atheist / p.179 / is Gods enemy. If thou canst seeme to bee familiar with him, and enter into the extremities of ill fortune, or begin to speake of great mens funerals, or honest mens persecutions, hee will instantly discover what he beleives ; being bolde enough to speake plainly (if thou canst apprehend) that vertue, innocence, and crafty dealing are alike rewarded : That wicked and religious men have no difference but the Name : That wronges may lawfully (if without danger apparant) bee repelled with worse wronges : and that therfore it argues basenesse of spirit, to contemne any preferment of advantage : That expectation of other, where joy is already present, were dotage, or madnesse ; and that honesty, which exceeds common forme, is singularity. From which Arguments you may draw the conclusion. If hee reserves these precepts among strangers, his practise will verifie the pattern. Take this for a foundation, Every Atheist is a self-pleasing Epicure though they be not convertible. If he inclines more to Epicurisme then policy ; this watch-word will be frequent in his cups, Hoc est vivere, hoc est vivere. But you may still observe, that hee contends to wash away all care with company, discourse and laughter, as if he knew his usurious creditor (a guilty conscience) waited to expostulate with him at an advantage. One therfore of this proportion, is more liable to the Law, but lesse dangerous to the common-wealth. Hee bringes most villany that feeles the disease inward ; and confutes his owne objections with falacious doctrine. He lives much about the fountaine of Iniquity, and therfore he must propound that those streames of custome be tolerable, or leave his profession. / p.180 / Hee hath a naturall flourish for super-naturall accidents. He turnes Divinity into colourable inventions of Philosophy. Hee knowes every thing under the name of a naturall body : hee beleeves Nature to be an invisible power, which intended generation for corruption, and corruption for generation. Hee distinguishes bodies into simple and compound, and makes creation a vulgar project obedient to the harmony of elements. Then, if hee knowes the meaning of Homogenea, and Hetrogenea, of corpus imperfecté mixtum, and perfecté mixtum, hee remaines largely satisfied. As for the causes of terrible events, hee apprehends the power of Exhalations, Meteors, Comets, and the Antiperistasis : which very names are able to forbid all further inquisition. Hee goes not therefore beyond himselfe and such as himselfe, for an authority : and hee esteemes it more convenient to thinke there is a reason in nature, then to trouble his brain with finding another, when it exceeds his positions. He never was taken for a friend in society, neither can he bestow love, because he cannot adventure his person ; life being his whole fælicity. If at any time therefore he intended love, he intended likewise a Physitian ; and him, no further then agreed with his own Humidum radicale : which must also be understood, if himselfe were no Physitian. He is alwaies confident beyond reformation. Hee dies with hope betweene his jawes, and therefore one may think him no desperate slave : but such hope deceives him, because hee hopes to live longer. So that like a candles end burning in the socket, he goes out stinking, with delay, and many faintings.

/ p.181 /

CHARACTER XX.

A Lyar

      IS the falsest Diall in the Parish : whilst Memory the Sexton, who should keep language his clocke in order, lyes drunken in Security, the common Ale-house. Arithmeticke is in him a naturall vice : or at least the difficult parts of the Science : for he can both Substract and Multiply with more ease then speake true English : He may as well be a Tradesman of any sort by his profession, as a Knight of the Post, or a man-pleaser. He should (by his qualities) bee a good Gamester ; for the one is just in league with a voluntary ignorance, or an inforced knowledge, as much as the other : Hee never offends this way, but he offends double ; for hee cannot with credit, or knowledge of the Art Military, think it sufficient to defend with bare affirmance, and the walls of circumvention, except his cannon-othes be ready planted and discharged. Hee is not guilty of his own vice alone ; for seldome doth he avouch that, which his confederate will not justifie : and therfore he provides adherents for security : but in his owne single opinion hee doth match Copernicus. His common misery is well knowne, it persecutes him with divine Justice, for all his truths extraordinary, winne no beleife ; because false-hoods are so frequent. Hee takes it for granted, that hee can grace or disgrace any man at his pleasure : and if invention or his / p.182 / eloquence were able, hee could not want his purpose. It were Gods due Justice if he should run mad ; for he devides his meaning and his word ; and so distracts himselfe. Any advantage accruing to himselfe provokes his faculty ; though somtimes a friends love entices him to strange adventures. If neither the first nor second bee opportune, hee so labours onely to beget wonderfull narrations. He is ready enough to over-value himselfe, his friends, and his commodity : accounting it a politick straine to sett an excellent faire glosse on all ; that hee may purchase the reputation of a large estate : Which seemes to argue an innocent upright course, not fearing tyranny : But indeed he doth (from hence) deceive the world and dye a beggar, through the fore-going of estimation.
      Let him live about great persons and his best discourses will be lye-blowne with tales of honour : but turne him to pasture a little into Spaine or Italy, and he will purge himselfe (in England) of twenty times more then he received. Hee tels no wonder without some preparative : as namely, he admits before-hand what may be : or he begins thus : You may thinke it is a lie : or, it will seeme strange, but I protest before God, it is very true : But if he be one that maintaines Ordinaries and publick meetings in delight of new relations ; he speaks altogether upon credible report; and you shall be the third man partakes of the novelty ; for he hath alwaies talked with one, that was an eye-witnesse : if hee were not himselfe the agent or beholder. Sometimes he delights to be a glorious fellow; and then no letters be conveyd from / p.183 / Italy or France; and no disgraces or advancements bee meditated in the court without his knowledge. He may at his election be admitted into the Colledge of Jesuits : but he loves not to forsake his Country, though he boasts of travailes ; and yet he is a meere fugitive. He was originally intended for a Rhetorician ; and lackes onely a little instruction : For hee is more conversant with Tropes then Figures ; and yet the figure of repetition, is his owne naturall. Attention makes thee very much culpable in his reports : beliefe makes thee apt to erre in the same kinde. He is more confident (if he could be uncased) in the rare exployts of Rosaclere, and Delphœbo, Amadis de Gaule, or Parismus, then the most holy Text of Scripture. It is an æquall difficulty to discerne his truth and untruth : for he is nothing but falshood, yet contrary to falshood, and contrary to truth : having more conveyances then a bawdy-house, or a suspected victualler. The truth is, there is no truth in him : let him tell me, that himselfe lyes, and I will not beleeve him. If he should strive for Antiquity, no English Generation can compare with him : And yet he needes no Herald, for he derives his Pedigree immediatly from the devill.

/ p.184 /

CHARACTER XXI.

A Drunkard

      IS in Opinion a good fellow, in practise a living conduit. His vices are like Errata in the latter end of a false coppie : they point the way to vertue by setting downe the contrary. Hee is at all points armed for a Knight errant, and cald upon for adventures, every way as full of hazard. This makes him enter boldly into the Lyons, or the Greene Dragons Cave ; into the White Beares jawes, the Mermaids closets, the Sunnes Palace ; nay, more, into the devills chamber of presence. And for his Travailes let the Globe witnesse ; through every corner of which, he hath or can walke at his pleasure. Freedome hee challenges, and therefore scornes to be a tedious customer, till by enforcement, hee drinkes upon record ; otherwise he shiftes his watring place ; either to avoid his lowse the Bayliffe ; or to renew his fountaine : the last onely pleades for his commendation, because hee proceedes still from worse to better : which discommends him most, because it nourishes his facultie. The torment of his eye-sight is a frothy Tapster, or a sluggish Drawer with a deceitfull pot. The plagues of his palat be good wines, where he cannot purchase, nor be trusted : or a Taverne well furnished, that joynes to the prison doore : they vexe him, as a feast vexes the famished, in a strong Castle : or a Lambe the starved Foxe, when Mastiffes be awake. He never disallowes religion for putting Lent in the Almanacke : for / p.185 / Tobacco, a Rasher, and red Herrings, his instruments of relish, are at al times perhibited. There is some affinity betwixt him and a Chamelion : he feeds upon ayre ; for he doth eate his word familiarly. He hath a cheape course of breake-fasts, to avoide dinners ; which at his pleasure he can spare, through morning Antidotes : the inquisition of these he studies, and looses by the knowledge. He indifferently concludes, and beginnes quarrels : that quality neither much blames nor praises him. Hee cannot run fast enough to prove a good Foot-man : for Ale and beere (the heaviest element next earth) will overtake him. Oportunity he embraces, but in a bad sense : for he is rather studious to follow any mans calling then his owne. His nose the most innocent, beares the corruption of his other senses folly : From it may bee gathered the embleme of one falsely scandald : for it not offending, is colourably punished. It serves therefore for nothing but such an Embleme, except to prove the owners great innocence ; by how much it is the greater : His eminent seeming vertues be his peculiar vices : For his casting up expences, and his wisedome over the pot, be his unthriftinesse and folly. Sacke and strong liquours hardens him in his custome ; according to the nature of a bricke : as if he were ambitious to be red earth, like Adam. He proves the Philosophers opinion of Man, better then any ; for he is animal calidissimum and humidissimum the hottest and the moystest creature. Hee were utterly base, if unable to defend his habite : you shall therefore know him by his arguments. If he inclines to Scholler-ship, they be these : First, to abandon melancholy ; For care, hee saith, kils a / p.186 / Cat : then to avoide mischievous thoughts ; for hee that drinkes well, sleepes well, and hee that sleepes well thinkes no harme : hee may be thought a fit travailer in difficult journies, for he cannot misse the way ; no more then a blinde man misses a picture. His teeth be strongest, because least employed : Hence you may take the embleme of one truly miserable ; who abounds in profites, unprofitable to himselfe. A beggar, and hee are both of one stocke, but the beggar claimes antiquity : the beggar begs that he may drink, and hath his meaning : the other drinkes that he may beg, and shall have the true meaning shortly. In the degree of beggars it is thought he will turne Dummerer, he practises already, and is for that purpose many times taken speechlesse. If he goes out in the morning a libertine or a man lately manu-misd from liquor, he returnes at night a prisoner, if he doth returne : for he cannot returne safely without his keeper : otherwise, he converts suddenly from flesh to fish, and dives into the mud, or swims in his owne water. These together may prove fasting-dayes to be his naturall season. Whilst he is waking, he purges all secrets ; least I therefore by keeping him awake longer, should erre in the same kinde, I have now cast him into a dead sleepe.

/ p.187 /

CHARACTER XXII.

A begging Scholler

      IS an Artificiall vagabond : Hee tooke his first degree (as may be imagined) in the University : But he never thinks himselfe a full Graduate ; till by Cosmographicall science, hee surveys the degrees of Longitude, and Latitude, belonging to most of our famous Cittyes in England : So hee becomes Practitioner in the Mathematicks, though hee pretends Divinity by order of Commencement, which might bee a safe licence among divers ; if the Statute vouchsafed not to take notice of his roguery. He hath from the first houre of his Matriculation inherited the name of Sharke, by way of a generall dependance in the Colledge : But being perhaps expulsed, or departing in a hungry humour, hee travels with a prompt memory, in stead of other knowledge ; and above all things hee is wise enough for himselfe, to remember his wants. He never looked into Divinity beyond the meaning of two Sermons ; and upon those hee hath insisted so often, that he feeles no neede of another Library. He still pretends (like some single Phisitian) the cure of one disease, that is, the colde of Charity, and therefore (his charitable advise being ended) a bill of receipt followes for the ingredients : But the disease may bee thought to grow more desperate through the mistaken cure ; because the medicine is applyed / p.188 / unfitly. His helpe extends farre and neere to fugitive Raga-muffins, under the signe of impotent Soldiers, or wandring Abraham-men : but his helpe proves the maintenance of their function, because it proves his owne, by occasion : For being received as a Secretary to the counsell of vagrants, hee conceales much idle property in advantage of himselfe and Country-men, not of the Common-wealth. If you would privately know him ; you must know likewise, the journey to his friends hath beene tediously undertaken ; and whilst he bringes his money in question, you must know hee beggs for an answere, and so betrayes the doubt of sufficiency : Howsoever (in publicke) hee insinuates a deprivation ; by being too sufficient. Being admitted (for Hospitality sake) to receive lodging ; he hath a slight of hand, or cleanly conveiance, which threaten silver spoones ; and leaves a desperate sorrow among all the houshold Servants, because hee departed so soone. In the space of a naturall day he seldom travailes further then to the next Ale-house ; that so by degrees he may approach to a great Market upon the Sabaoth. He paies for what he takes continually, one way or other : For being no customer, hee cannot be trusted, except in case of necessity ; and then hee payes them experience to beware of such as he another time. Hee hath Learning to propound the Apostles president for travailes, but conscience little enough to looke any further. If his family be not portable, it comes in the rereward, and awaits his returne to the Rende-vouze: if otherwise he be attended with neither wife, nor maid- / p.189 / servant ; he makes use of both, as he finds himselfe able : He is sometime inducted by a simple Patron, to some more simple Vicarage ; But his Tythes and Credit concluding in Harvest, he takes his flight with the Swallow : He cannot therefore thrive among the promoted begging Schollers, because he hath no continuance.

[ p.190 ]  (image of page 190)

The

Second Booke of Characters.

CHARACTER I.

A Jaylor

      IS the beggars body-lowse, which lives upon the bloud and carcase of them which can worst spare any : Hee proceeds commonly from such a one, as could not govern himselfe, to governe others imperiously : Hee cannot thinke of a place, more sutable with the safe practise of his villany ; No, not among the Roarers, or the company of quack-salvers. A thiefe, and a Murtherer, bee the names which make him iron madde, whiles himself proves the more exquisite offender : And if formerly hee hath bin infamous among all, it proves felicity with him now to insult over some, and growes the more implacable. At his first induction, hee begins (like all new Officers) to reforme Methodically : Hee may very well seem a bountifull Host, for he detaines his customers whether they will or no : but his bounty retireth, when he looseth advantage. Hee is a true Alchymist : no dreamer in that science : no, not the best / p.191 / proficient hath thriv'd better in his projections : He doth indeed more wisely (by vertue of his stone-walls, without the Philosophers stone) convert rusty Iron into perfect silver : He makes men beleeve, that the poore captives shall worke in daily labour to get a living : whiles his conjecture is verified in their nightly labor, by working through the enclosure ; or being idle they get livings too many. And by this meanes he makes a difference betwixt picking and stealing : for whomsoever he with-holds from stealing hee suffers to use picking freely. If he perceives an open object of increase, he will himselfe worke the meanes of disorder by plentifull liquor, that so a large fine may redeeme the quarrell : To which purpose he doth sophisticate his fuming Beere, to breed a skirmish the sooner : and then the dungeon is a dreadfull word, untill a competent bribe pacifie his humor. Hee lookes as earnestly and as often upon the palmes of hands as if hee could tell mens Fortunes : and the truth is he can give a shroad conjecture by that speculation. Nothing makes him so merry as a harsh Mittimus, and a potent captive : they come like an inscription with a fat goose against new-yeares-tide : but baile sounds a sorrowfull retrait : as if the inferiour Theife should loose a booty by composition : and yet he will take his wives suretiship for the more extent of liberty, because he knowes her perfect in the secrets of that Alchymie. Crueltyes are derived from himselfe into his whole family. Hee is a circumspect companion, and still dreames of an escape : and of a breaking forth he may well dreame, having so many putrified sores in one body : but seldome do any / p.192 / escape in his debt, though at their breaking out, they be a weeke behinde : for above one weeke he never trusts ; and not so long, unlesse the former advantage will recompence a fortnights arrerages. He hath as a great a gift in changing mens dispositions as poverty and courtship : for he can make them begge that otherwise are ashamed to begge. Briefly, he is in a manner, the Devils huntsman, who keepes those Beagles either for castigation, because they were not cunning enough, else for amendment of the Chace. For if he sends them forth, they prove Graduates, when they escape the Gallowes. As for himselfe, you may either meet him in the midst of Carrowses among his Customers, or riding post in mellancholy, to re-imparke his wilde runnagates.

---

CHARACTER II.

An Informer

      IS a protected Cheater, or a Knave in authoritie, licenced by authority : he sprang from the corruption of other mens dishonesty ; and meetes none so intricately vitious, but he can match the patterne : which makes him free of all Trades by the statute : for this gives him a freedome to servey all besides himselfe. He is a fellow as much beholding to his five senses, as to his intellectuals : he can diversly imploy all his senses about diverse objects ; but commonly they are all / p.193 / occupied about one or two chiefly : the winding up of a jacke is better then musicke to his eares in Lent : the steame of a roasted joynt attracts his nostrils unsatiably : the sight of a shoulder of mutton then feeds his stomacke ; but the taste and feeling of it, provokes him to a dreadfull insultation. He is worse then an Otter-hound for a dive-dopping Ale-housekeeper : and hunts him out unreasonably from his Element of Liquor ; and yet he may seeme reasonable honest, for he hearkens readily to a composition. But whilst he consents to save men harmelesse (upon tearmes indifferent) he makes open way for another of his coate to incroach upon the like premises. So that he seemes to be the darling of some Welch pedigree : for he conspires with his owne profession, and makes a triumph of the least advantage, in the very same manner. Let him be a tytle-sifter and he will examine lands as if they had committed high treason : But then he will be daunted though he weares a double night-cap in reading the due fortune of his predicessours Empson and Dudley ; except his judgement serves him to mistake the Chronicle. The lesser Foxe workes upon simple creatures ; and the base informer upon poore mens fortunes. He promiseth restauration to a forbidden Ale-house with an Exchequer licence to vexe the Justices : whilst hee takes forty shillings, three pound, or upward for a single subpœna, to defend the Liquor-man, who incurres new charges by trusting in the apparant cousenage. He takes away the relation betwixt a lawyer and his Client ; and makes it generally extend to the Clearkes in Offices : under whose safegard hee hath his Licence seal'd to travaile : a foot-post and hee differ in the / p.194 / discharge of their packet, and the payment : for the Informer is content to tarry the next Tearme (perhaps) till a Judgement. His profession affoords practisers both great and small ; both bucke-hounds and harriers : the essence of both is inquisition. But the first is a more thriving and ancient stocke of hatred : for he is a kinde of Antiquarie : the last is seldome medling with men much above him : howsoever, sometimes hee is casually the scourge of an ignorant Justice.

---

CHARACTER III.

A base Mercenary Poet

      IS the most faithfull obsequious servant of him that gives most. He subscribes his definition to all Dedicatory Epistles. If mother-wit raisd him to be a writer, hee shewes himselfe a dutiful childe and beggs Poems in defence of Nature : neither can he choose but betray himselfe to be a cosset, by his odde frisking matter, and his Apish Titles : which may perswade any reasonable man, that hee studyes more to make faces, then a decent carriage. If hee have learnt Lillies Grammer, and a peece of Ovids Metamorphosis, he thinkes it time to ask his Patrons blessing with some worke that savours very much of the authors meaning, and two or three Latine sentences. If hee hath seene the University, and forsaken it againe, because he felt no deserts which might challenge a Benefactor : Then hee calles every man (besides his Patron) / p.195 / a despiser of Learning, and he is wonderfull angry with the world ; but a brace of angels will pacifie his humour. If hee bee an expulsed Graduate, hee hath beene conversant so long with rules of Art, that hee can expresse nothing without the Art of begging, or publick sale : But commonly hee is some swimming-headed Clark, who after he hath spent much time in idle Sonnets, is driven to seeke the tune of Silver, to make up the consort. Necessity and covetous hire, bribe his invention, but cannot corrupt his conscience : For though he undertakes more then hee is able, yet hee concludes within expectation of others that knowe him, and so hee deceives himselfe only. Gold and Silver onely doe not make him a hyerling ; but envy, malice, and the meanes to be made famous : among which means, the cheife bee Libells, scandala magnatum, petty treasons, and imprisonments. Hee will never forfeite his day to necessity, if hee writes by obligation ; which happens divers times when hee is the Scrivener and the Debtor : For the tide of one Pamphlet being vented at his elbowes, with leaning upon Taverne-tables ; hee tyes himselfe to certain limites ; within which precincts he borrowes much, translates much, coynes much, converting all to his project : and if matter failes, hee flyes upon the Lawyer, or disgraces an enemy. Hee may dissemble with the world, for he dissembles with himselfe : striving to conceive well of errors, though his conscience tells him they bee grosse errors : And when hee heares his play hissed, hee would rather thinke bottle-Ale is opening (though in the midst of winter) then thinke his ignorance deserves it. His Apologies discover his shifting cousenage : for hee attributes / p.196 / the vices of his quil to the Ages infirmity ; which endures nothing but amorous delightes, close bawdry, or mirthfull Jests. As if the ignorance of any Age could hinder a wise mans propositions. He makes Poems that consist onely of verse and rime instead of excellent composures, with the same confidence that ignorant Painters make a broad face and a flat-cap to signifie King Harry the eight : confounding (like a bad Logician) the forme and the dimention. Hee is a Traded fellow, though he seems a Scholler : but is never free of the Company, or accepted, till hee hath drunk out his Apprentise-hood among the graund Masters : and then with an univocall consent, hee may commend his Wares, turne them into the fashion, dresse over his olde Pamphlets, and not be any way disgrac'd among them. If his owne guilty judgement cannot approve his owne Poems : Hee thinks his fortune good enough to make his Reader approve, or dispence with follies : and upon that hope hee dares often publish, and is as often laught at : but he hath wit enough to serve the whole Citty, if hee makes the Lord Maiors pageants. He presumes much uppon absolute good meanings, though the Text be palpable : and yet where hee commends himselfe best, he is not refractory, for he still promises amendment, or some more voluminous worke, to gratifie his benefactors ; but hee could never live long enough to finish his miracles. Many have beene accounted traytors who have conspired lesse against the King then he : for he layes plots in wrighting to make the King loose his time, if hee vouchsafe to see them acted. But hee is much indebted to the favour of Ladies, or at least seemes to have been gratiously rewarded.

/ p.197 /

      If he affects this humour, hee extolls their singular judgement before hee meddles with his matter in question : and so selles himselfe to the worldes opinion. If his handes bee no more active then his head, hee is guiltie of many a good Scribes idlenesse, by making that legible, which (before Transcription) might have bin tollerable folly. If you be therfore an honest, or generous patron, suffer him not to bee printed.

---

CHARACTER IIII.

A common Player

      IS a slow Payer, seldom a Purchaser, never a Puritan. The Statute hath done wisely to acknowledg him a Rogue errant, for his chiefe essence is, A daily Counterfeit : He hath beene familiar so long with out-sides, that he professes himselfe, (being unknowne) to be an apparant Gentleman. But his thinne Felt, and his silke Stockings, or his foule Linnen, and faire Doublet, doe (in him) bodily reveale the Broker : So beeing not sutable, hee proves a Motley : his mind observing the same fashion of his body : both consist of parcells and remnants : but his minde hath commonly the newer fashion, and the newer stuffe : hee would not else hearken so passionately after new Tunes, new Trickes, new Devises : These together apparrell his braine and understanding, whilst he takes the materialls upon trust, and is / p.198 / himself the Taylor to take measure of his soules liking. Hee doth conjecture somewhat strongly, but dares not commend a playes goodnes, till he hath either spoken, or heard the Epilogue : neither dares he entitle good things Good, unlesse hee be heartned on by the multitude : till then hee saith faintly what hee thinkes, with a willing purpose to recant or persist : So howsoever hee pretends to have a royall Master or Mistresse, his wages and dependance prove him to be the servant of the people. When he doth hold conference upon the stage ; and should looke directly in his fellows face ; hee turnes about his voice into the assembly for applause-sake, like a Trumpeter in the fields, that shifts places to get an eccho. The cautions of his judging humor (if hee dares undertake it) be a certaine number of sawsie rude jests against the common lawyer ; hansome conceits against the fine Courtiers ; delicate quirkes against the rich Cuckold a Cittizen ; shadowed glaunce for good innocent Ladies and Gentlewomen ; with a nipping scoffe for some honest Justice, who hath imprisoned him : or some thriftie Trades-man, who hath allowed him no credit : alwayes remembred, his object is, A new play, or A play newly revived. Other Poems he admits, as good-fellowes take Tobacco, or ignorant Burgesses give a voyce, for company sake ; as thinges that neither maintaine nor be against him. To be a player, is to have a mithridate against the pestilence ; for players cannot tarry where the plague raignes ; and therfore they be seldome infected. He can seeme no lesse then one in honour, or at least one mounted ; for unto miseries which persecute such, he is most incident. Hence it proceeds, that in the pros- / p.199 / perous fortune of a play frequented, he proves immoderate, and falles into a Drunkards paradise, till it be last no longer. Otherwise when adversities come, they come together : For Lent and Shrovetuesday be not farre asunder, then he is dejected daily and weekely : his blessings be neither lame nor monstrous ; they goe upon foure legges, but moove slowly, and make as great a distance between their steppes, as between the foure Tearmes. Reproofe is ill bestowed uppon him ; it cannot alter his conditions : he hath bin so accustomed to the scorne and laughter of his audience, that hee cannot bee ashamed of himselfe : for hee dares laugh in the middest of a serious conference, without blushing. If hee marries, hee mistakes the Woman for the Boy in Womans attire, by not respecting a difference in the mischiefe : But so long as he lives unmarried, hee mistakes the Boy, or a Whore for the Woman ; by courting the first on the stage, or visiting the second at her devotions. When hee is most commendable, you must confesse there is no truth in him : for his best action is but an imitation of truth, and nullum simile est idem. It may be imagined I abuse his carriage, and hee perhaps may suddenly bee thought faire-conditioned : for he playes above board. Take him at the best, he is but a shifting companion ; for hee lives effectually by putting on, and putting off. If his profession were single, hee would thinke himselfe a simple fellow, as hee doth all professions besides his owne : His own therefore is compounded of all Natures, all humours, all professions. Hee is politick also to perceive the common-wealth doubts of his licence, and therefore in spight of Parliaments or Statutes hee incorporates / p.200 / himselfe by the title of a brotherhood. Painting and fine cloths may not by the same reason be called abusive, that players may not be called rogues : For they bee chiefe ornaments of his Majesties Revells. I need not multiplie his character ; for boyes and every one, wil no sooner see men of this Facultie walke along but they wil (unasked) informe you what hee is by the vulgar title. Yet in the generall number of them, many may deserve a wise mans commendation : and therefore did I prefix an Epithite of common, to distinguish the base and artlesse appendants of our citty companies, which often times start away into rusticall wanderers and then (like Proteus) start backe again into the Citty number.

---

CHARACTER V.

A Warrener

      IS an earthly minded man : Hee pluckes his living from the earths bowels : and therefore is his minde most conversant about that element : He lives in a little Arcenall or watch-tower, being well provided with Engines and Artilery : with which (like another tyrant) he doth encounter the enemies of his Inhabitants ; that hee may engrosse them all the more entirely : And yet in some respects he is a good Governour, for he delights more in the death of one enemy, then sixe subjects : The reason is apparent : for one foe is able to destroy twentie of his Vassailes ; and so his gaines / p.201 / be prevented : Therefore a Polecat and he, are at continuall variance : yet he is charitable and mercifull, for if the Pole-cat turns Ferret and obeys him, none agree better : Hee doth waive much spoyle by his mid-night watches, and yet he owes no Lord-ship : The truth is, tumblers, nets, and other trafficke do escheate to him, although the owner be living. He verifies the proverb of plenty : the more he hath, the more he would have : for though his owne ground be full of breeders, yet he cannot forbeare to have his hand in private Warrens. Hee is much, and most perplexed, because pales and hedges will not keepe his Cattell in compasse : if he cannot therefore compound with the neighbours adjacent, he hath a tricke to affright those that transgresse their limites, by scattering murthered captives (as Pole-cats, and Weasels) in their places of refuge : And this is a deepe quillet in the profession : Besides this he hath little knowledge of moment, except the science of making Trappes : or circumvention of innocent dogs to feed vermine. The chiefe petition of his prayer, is for blacke frosts, Sunneshine weather, and calme midnights : under protection of the last, he walkes fearelesse, with a pike staffe, to exercise the liberty of that season among other mens backsides : Where he hath many night-spels, to the hazard of much Pullen, and indeed all things thieve-able ; if he doth not play the valiant Foot-man, and take tribute of passengers : Neither is he worthy to be such a dealer with nets and Cony-chatching if he could not intrap the Kings subjects : I make no question therefore that he is worthy of his profession : howsoever sometimes he is catcht in a pit-fall / p.202 / of liquor by his companions : whilst they perhaps being Poulterers, prove tyrannicall substitutes, and rob his possessions : but in revenge, hee doth often encroach upon the Poulterers likewise with a drunken bargaine.

---

CHARACTER VI.

A Huntsman

      IS the lieutenant of dogs, and foe to Harvest : He is proudly willing to governe ; and because he findes himselfe unsufficient to deale with men wisely, he commands dogs ; which fawne upon the Master and snarle at strangers. He is frolicke in a faire morning fit for his pleasure ; and alike rejoyceth with the Virginians, to see the rising Sunne : He doth worship it, as they ; but worships his Game more then they : And in some things almost as barbarous. A sluggard he contemnes, and thinkes the resting time might be shortned ; which makes him rise with day, observe the same pace, and prove full as happy ; if the day be happie. The names of Foxe, Hare, and Bucke, be all tracting sillables ; sufficient to furnish fifteen meales with long discourse in the adventures of each. Foxe drawes in his exploits done against Cubbes, Bitch-foxes, Otters, and Badgers : Hare, brings out his encounters, plat-formes, engines, fortifications, and night-worke done against Leveret, Cony, Wilde-cat, Rabbet, Weasell, and Pole-cat : Then / p.203 / Bucke, the Captaine of all, provokes him (not without strong Passion) to remember Hart, Hinde, Stagge, Roe, Pricket, Fawne, and Fallow Deere. Hee uses a dogged forme of government, which might be (without shame) kept in Humanity ; and yet he is unwilling to be governed with the same reason : either by being satisfied with pleasure, or content with ill fortune. Hee hath the discipline to marshall dogs, and sutably : when a wise Herald would rather mervaile, how he should distinguish their coats, birth, and gentry. Hee carries about him in his mouth the very soule of Ovids bodies, metamorphosed into Trees, Rockes, and Waters : For when he pleases, they shall eccho and distinctly answere ; and when he pleases, be extreamely silent. There is little danger in him towards the Commonwealth : for his worst intelligence comes from Shepheards or Woodmen ; and that onely threatens the destruction of Hares ; a welknowne dry meate. The spring and he are still at variance : in mockage therfore, and revenge together of that season, he weares her livery in Winter. Little consultations please him best ; but the best directions hee doth love and followe ; they are his Dogs : If he cannot prevaile therefore, his lucke must be blamed ; for hee takes a speedy course. Hee cannot be lesse then a conquerour from the beginning, though he wants the boote ; for he pursues the flight. His Man-hood is a crooked sworde with a saw backe ; but the badge of his generous valour is a horn to give notice. Battery and blowing up, hee loves not : to undermine is his Stratageme. His Physicke teaches him not to drinke sweating ; in amends whereof, he liquors / p.204 / himselfe to a heate, upon coole bloud : If hee delights (at least) to emulate his Dog in a hot nose. If a Kennell of Hounds passant take away his attention and company from Church ; doe not blame his devotion ; for in them consists the nature of it, and his knowledge. His frailties are, that he is apt to mistake any dog worth the stealing, and never take notice of the Collar. Hee dreames of a Hare formed, a Fox kenneld, a Bucke lodged, or a Hart in harbor : And if his fancy would bee moderate, his actions might be full of pleasure.

---

CHARACTER VII.

A Falkoner

      IS the egge of an ordinary Goose-woman, hatcht up amongst Hawkes and Spaniels. Hee hath in his minority conversed with Kestrils, and young Hobbies ; but growing up hee begins to handle the Lure, and look a Fawlcon in the face. All his learning makes him but a new Linguist ; for to have studied and practised the termes of Hawkes Dictionary is enogh to excuse his wit, manners, and humanity. Hee hath too many Trades to thrive ; and yet if he had fewer, he wold thrive lesse : he neede not be envied therefore, for a Monopoly, though hee be Barber surgeon, Physitian, and Apothecary, before he commences Hawkleech : for though he exercise all these, and the art of Bow-strings together, his patients be compelled to pay him / p.205 / no further, then they are able. Hawkes are his object, that is, his knowledge, admiration, labour, and all : They be indeed his idoll, or Mistresse, be they Male or Female : to them hee consecrates his amorous Ditties, which be no sooner framed then hallowed : Nor should he doubt to overcome the fairest, seeing hee reclaimes such Haggards ; and courts every one with a peculiar Dialect. That he is truly affected to his Sweethart in her fether-bed, appeares by the sequele ; himselfe is sensible of the same misery : for they bee both mewed up together : But hee still chuses the worst pennance ; by chusing rather an Ale-house, or a Cellar, for his moulting place, then the Hawkes mew. Hee cannot bee thought lesse then a spie, and that a dangerous one : For his espials are, that hee may see the fall of what hee persecutes : and so the Wood-cocks perish : if they doe not, his Art is suspended. He is a right busie-body, who intermeddles so much with others affaires, that he forgets his own : Hee would not else correct his Hawkes wildnesse ; and be so ready to trample downe the standing corne ; or make way through enclosures : That argues him to be Rebellious and vulgar ; one apt to strive for liberty. His Man-hood I dare not signifie, it remaines doubtfull upon equall tearmes, because, seldom tried with any thing but wild-fowle : and then hee performes water-service ; perhaps sea-service ; but both, in some fowle manner : By Land he serves, on horse or foote ; on both, to destroy Partrige, or Pheasant. You may truely call him an extream bad husband if he lyes in a Floc-bed ; because hee meddles so much with Fowles and doth not feather his nest. There is no hope of his rising, / p.206 / though hee doth excell : for he rather seekes to make others ambitious of rising, then himselfe : and therefore though hee frames winges with Dædalus, he thereby makes his Hawke onely fitt to aspire : Yet if any shall (by conjecture) take a flight from Paules Steeple ; hee will (I suppose) as soone as any : for hee proves wiser already in the art of winges then Bladud. I had rather (in the mean time) take his worde then his oath ; for when he speakes without an oath, hee is not troubled with the passion of his Curres, or Haggards ; and therfore cannot so well excuse it, if hee breakes his promise. As for Religion, shee is a bird of too high a wing ; his Hawkes cannot reach it, and therefore not hee. And if hee flies to Heaven, it is a better flight, then any hee hath commended : There, I meddle not with him ; thither hee must carry himselfe : for I can neither condemne, nor save him.

---

CHARACTER VIII.

A Farmer

      IS a concealed commodity. His worth or value is not fully known till he be halfe rotten : and then hee is worth nothing. He hath Religion enough to say, God blesse his Majesty ; God send peace, and faire weather : So that one may gleane Harvest out of him to be his time of happines : but the Tith sheafe goes against his conscience ; for hee had / p.207 / rather spend the value upon his Reapers and Plough-men, then bestow any thing to the maintenance of a Parson. Hee is sufficiently Booke-read, nay a profound Doctor, if hee can search into the diseases of Cattell : and to foretell rain by tokens, makes him a miraculous Astronomer. To speake good English is more then hee much regards ; and for him not to contemne all Arts and Languages, were to condemne his own education. The pride of his House keeping is a messe of Creame, a Pigge, or a green-Goose : and if his servants can uncontrowled finde the high-way to the Cupboord, it winnes the name of a bountifull Yeoman. Doubtles hee would murmur against the Tribunes law ; by which none might occupy more then five hundred acres : For hee murmurs against himselfe, because hee cannot purchase more. To purchase Armes (if he æmulates Gentry) sets upon him like an Ague : It breakes his sleepe, takes away his stomack, and hee can never be quiet till the Herald hath given him the Harrowes, the Cuckowe, or some ridiculous Embleme for his Armory. The bringing up, and Marriage of his eldest Son ; is an ambition which afflicts him so soon as the boy is borne, and the hope to see his sonne superior, or placed above him, drives him to dote upon the boy in his Cradle. To peruse the Statutes, and preferre them before the Bible, makes him purchase the credit of a shrewd fellow : and then hee bringes all adversaries to composition. If at length he can discover himselfe in large Legacies beyond expectation, hee hath his desire. Meane time, hee makes the prevention of a dearth his Title, to bee thought a good common-wealths man. And therefore he preserves a Chandelors treasure of / p.208 / Bacon, Linkes and Puddings in the Chimney corner. Hee is quickly and contentedly put into the fashion, if his clothes be made against Whitsontide, or Christmas day : and then outwardly he contemnes appearance : Hee cannot therefore choose but hate a Spaniard likewise ; and (hee thinkes) that hatred onely, makes him a loyall subject : for benevolence and subsidies bee more unseasonable to him, then his quarters Rent. Briefly, being a good house-keeper, hee is an honest man : and so, he thinkes of no rising higher, but rising early in the morning ; and being up, hee hath no end of motion, but wanders in his Woods and Pastures so continually, that when hee sleepes, or sitts, (I thinke) hee wanders also. After this, hee turnes into his element, by being too ventrous hot, and colde : then he is fit for nothing but a checkered grave : howsoever some may thinke him convenient to make an everlasting bridge ; because his best foundation hath beene (perhaps) upon Wool-packes.

---

CHARACTER IX.

An Hostesse

      IS (if beautifull) the abatement of reckonings, or the second course : if a widow, she is the journeys end of a weather-beaten Traveller : if ordinary, shee is the servant and the Mistresse ; but in generall, shee is a receiver to all professions, and acquainted by experience with cookery, or / p.209 / sluttery. Being invited to her owne provisions, shee prepares the way to mittigate her prises, either by exclayming upon the hard times, or insinuating the sublime price of Mutton. Shee must bee pardoned, though shee depart before supper is ended ; for she is modestly ashamed to heare her sinfull reckonings. She professes the kitchin, but takes place in the chamber : and having interrupted the Guest with a cup of heartily welcome, shee signifies his sorrow, though it be manifest silence shee excuses the attendance by varietie of guests ; and blaming the Maid-servants, shee commends her self for the sole agent and you must conceive amisse of the shambles, or butter-market upon her honesty. Her chiefest knowledge is to distinguish uppon the trades of our belly ; and though she condemnes a Taylor for lengthening his bill with bumbast, stiffening, silke and buttons ; yet shee furnishes her own in the same kind, with wine, bread, sallets and cheese ; and though shee seldome abate the price of reckonings, yet she can give a morsell of her own into the bargaine, if that may satisfy. She chuses servants also that will give the best content : and that shee insinuates though shee undoes a traveller. Shee may abhorre drunkennesse ; but in her own house conceales it, and receives the advantage : neyther dares she reprove her husbands thirstie humor, least shee should loose her freedome ; when hee resignes his power to lazinesse, by which hee was ingendred. Her husbands sloth makes her imployed proudly ; being heartily ambitious of labour, if shee can boast well, that her paynes alone keepe her husband and his familie. She keepes open house and therefore she thinkes a porter as much impertinent as laces to / p.210 / her placket. If her self be spunge and corke, shee hath a daughter or a Chaumber maide of Ivy. These and shee together make the best of a bad bargaine, and therefore shee affoords no penny-worth which is not the best that can suddenly be bought for money. She seldome invites cost-free : for shee determines to bee paid commonly. If therefore she doth invite, she is a rare woman ; neither hath shee any thing else to pleade raritie. Brieflie, shee is a thing of cleane linnen that is the warrant of her cleanlinesse. She makes the welcome of a new, the farewell of an olde Traveller. She hearkens joyfully to the numerous footing of horses : and having with a quick accent twise called the Chamberlaine, she is now busie about dressing supper.

---

CHARACTER X.

A Tapster

      IS an infernall : the Belzebub of a Sellor, and the very motion of a double Jugge. Hee was engendred by a Drunkards appetite and urine : for nothing but his desire to fill and emptie, hath bred a Tapster. Hee is of a barmy disposition, apt to cleave, and therfore hee seekes to be familiar at first sight ; but instead of friendship he retains the names of customers : only betwixt Brewers men and him, there passes hungry and thirstie love ; consisting of Holland cheese and Rowles in recompence of bottle-ale, and strong / p.211 / Beere. You may call him swinish, for hee beares cheife sway among the hogsheads : and claimes authority among them to remove and preferre. Drawers and hee live at variance ; for hee thinkes the grape a disparagement to malt ; and therefore he incounters Wine even with the smallest beere hee hath, to affright the fortitude of Sacke, and Claret : But (which betrayes his stratagems) he gladly makes the Vintners vessell his vassaile and Renegado. Nay rather he farmes Diogenes his tenement ; and fearing he should bee dispossessed (I thinke) hee puts in a valorous tenant that will beate the mad Cinicks braynes out if hee dares Incounter. His riches are single, they consist of single money : his profession double, it consists of double Beere : but then his faculties are againe so single, that if he leaves the sellar, hee must begge or steale : for ignorance and lazinesse have bin his education. Meane time hee is kept from Robbery by exchange of single peeces : and yet he disables himselfe in exchange unlesse hee expects nothing by delay. He feeles the same sorrow to heare you discommend his liquor, that hee doth to see you depart. It goes against his conscience to see the cup stand quietly ; and against his stomack to see you preferre Mutton before powdred-beefe. He is a prettier fellow of his handes then any of the guarde : for give him leave to draw apace, and hee will strike down twelve gards. He hath an ambitious memorie which cannot deceive him, because hee hath taught it to deceive others : for his aboundance of memory, and his meaning to get a stocke, labour to get a superfluous two-pence in the reckoning. He would make an asse of Kelly if he were living : Kelly / p.212 / wrought upon somewhat ; but this fellow makes money of meere nothing : for hee gets by froth, and emptinesse. His brain swarmes with a tempest of bottle reckonings ; which makes him carelesse of hats : least hee should breed an impostume, by inclosing their multitude ; else hee is afraide least the hot and moyst reckonings he carries in his head, shoulde dissolve his felt, and therefore he goes uncovered ; else to shew hee reverences the Cellar and weeke-dayes, more then the Church or Sabboth ; for then onely hee playes the Turke, and puts on : else (which is indeed the reason) he knowes all commers claime his dutie, and therefore he walks bare-headed to save a labour. He attributes the scant measure of his Jugge, to the Cellars darknesse, and his saving nature ; but rather then he will justifie both, he hath a certaine slight of hand to fill the first glasse, and so avoyds inquisition. All his conscience is, that he dares not cast away Gods good creatures ; and therfore he preserves the droppings to make a compound. He is an ignoble wretch : do what you can, hee will cousen you with his Can. Of his prayers and religion, I neither finde any thing, nor will I leave any thing, written. But I believe strongly, that in stead of Praying, he wishes to heare men desirous of Collops and Egges, or red Herrings. And therfore I thinke he should thrive best in a sea voyage ; because he commends the relish of meats seasoned exceedingly. His bladder is more capable then his greasie pouch ; and more immoderately widened. He hath nothing to commend his literature, but Brachigraphy, or the science of short writing, which hee practises upon the barrels head, or behinde the doore : the / p.213 / meaning whereof he expounds, but doth not discover the rules. If he dares defend his function in Winter, he must provide an Orator : for he speakes coldly for himselfe, as being troubled with a common hoarsnesse to betray his vigilance. Briefly, you must imagine him a light fellow, and like the corke, which swimmes with moysture, is supported with liquor, and tyed about the bottle or jugges neck : there, or neere about that, you may finde him personally.

---

CHARACTER XI.

A Lawyers simple Clarke

      IS his Masters right hand, if hee bee not left-handed : or the second dresser of Sheep-skinnes : one that can extract more from the parchment, then the Husbandman from the Fleece. He is a weake Grammarian ; for he beginnes to peirce, before he can construe well : Witnesse the Chambermaide. Neither can you discommend him : for his best education hath beene at a dull Writing-schoole. Hee doth gladly imitate Gentlemen in their garments ; they allure the Wenches, and may (perhaps) provoke his Mistresse : but then hee must bee a customer to Cookes shoppes, and lowe Ordinaries, or visit the Broaker, to bespeake Silke stockinges, without which he thinkes Gentry doth much degenerate. Having done thus (if his cloake did not reveale him by instinct) he might passe suddenly for a Gentleman : pre- / p.214 / suming on which, and his plausible discourse, he dares attempt a mistresse : but if he chooses worthily, he feeles himselfe worthily contemned, because he woes with bawdery in text ; and with Jests, or speeches stolne from Playes, or from the common-helping Arcadia. Hee may be reasonably commaunded by his maister in attendance : but if hee rides with a Cloake bagge, he thinkes himself disgraced behinde his backe. Hee may bragge of the Universitie, and that hee hath commenced ; yet hee can hardly tell you by learning the first use of Parchment ; though it concernes him neerely ; for being once in a Colledge, and now a Clearke, it seemes plaine that he was an arrant rakehell. Howsoever, he is otherwise a peaceable companion : for as hee continually makes agreement, so himselfe sits quietly, by his Embleme of meeknesse, the sheeps-skinnes ; except the itch troubles him. You can make no question that he is provided to dispatch readily ; for hee hath his businesse at his fingers end. He may pretend Scholership : but all that is nothing unlesse you compare it with a Jugglers, and then hee may seeme cunning : for hee doth exceed a Juggler in the slight of hand : being able by his cleanly conveyance, to remove the possession of lands forty miles distant. He trembles therefore alike with all Handicrafts, (though he most valerous) to thinke if he should offer violence in the Court : for upon his Palmes and Fingers depend his In-comes. He is no vain Disputant : this knowledge is positive ingrossd, and so upon record. Selfe-conceit in workes, he refuses : for hee labours about nothing which is not justifiable by Presidents, either of West, his maister or a teacher. In the compasse of which three he / p.215 / tyes his approbation of witt so narrowly, that I cannot blame him if hee condemnes this Character, for (upon my knowledge) hee can finde no such thing in the Presidents. Then hee doth not seeme to delight in a retired life : for hee sits alwaies in the most outward roome of his maisters chamber. He may be very much tempted to pick and pilfer ; for Legit ut clericus cannot be applied to any man so fitly. He is not ashamed of what he doth : for hee regards not to have a finger, but a whole hand in the busines. To which purpose you may see his name subscribed in Court, after sealed and delivered. Hee doth relye upon his maisters practise, large indentures, and a deske to write upon. He can shew little or no signe of humility like his degraded lodging in the trunckle-bed ; which hazzards many fleabites, and the violent ayre of his Maisters feet. Westminster likewise doth not altogether not concerne him : hee hath a motion thither, and a motion there : Thither hee moves by way of injunction from his Maister : there hee moves in the common place of breake-fasts, for reliefe of his stomacke ; and if hee can match his breakefast and dinner without grudging of his stomack, he hath his desire. He is a follower : for he weares a livery, but no servant, for hee payes his owne wages. If he bee drunken you must say hee staggers, to avoide æquivocation : for when he is sober hee makes Indentures. Serving himselfe, hee serves God by occasion : for whilst hee loves his gaine, and serves his desire of getting, hee hates idlenesse. If his Maister thrives, hee cannot doe amisse ; for hee leades the way, and still rides before. Hee is the / p.216 / Sophister, or Soliciter to an Atturney ; and from himselfe hee proceedes to an Atturney : that is his commencement. So that a Clearke in thesi, is an Atturney in Hypothesi.

---

CHARACTER XII.

A Pettifogging Atturney

      IS a fellow at your commaund for ten groates, and hath no inheritance, but a knavish forme of understanding. Hee is extreamely graced if he talke with two velvet-cloak'd Clients in five Tearmes : and desires to salute great Lawyers, in view to purchase reputation. He is indeed the upshot of a proud ignorant Clarke, and retaines his learning from Pænall Statutes, or an English Littleton. He doth multiplie businesse, as a tinker multiplies worke, with mending : and in a Michaelmas tearme, hee will seeme more busie about offices, then a flea at midnight in the midst of summer. He is a better commoditie to himselfe then Stockfish (being well beaten.) His chiefe invention is how hee may take bribes from both parties, and please both fashionably : how he may cousen his friends to all advantage, and give the glosse of good dealing : if his wickednesse thrives well, hee proves a terrible Asse in a Lions skin : but whilst he out dares any man and forgets himselfe to be a buzzard, his confidence deceives him : Hee keepes a trotting pace to signify imployment. Chancery lane is his loome : for in the tearme he / p.217 / runnes nimbly from one end to the other like a shuttle to weave mischiefe. Subpænaes, Executions and all Writs of quarrell be his bond-slaves. Hee doth naturally exclaime upon Poets and Players ; they are too inquisitive about his cousonage. Hee commends Divinitie ; but makes the professors simple men when they submit to his mercy : hee still preferres the authority of a Statute where it makes for his purpose (though mistaken) before God and a good conscience. His Religion is the Kings continually : And he would willingly come to Church on Sundaies if hee had ended his Declarations. He is insatiatly given to get by any man hee deales with ; so much, that he will scarse borrow ten shillings, unlesse he may get ten pence. His chiefe pride is to behave himselfe better then he is able, and chiefely in delivering of his charge at Courtleetes : where hee assumes much peremptorie state, and knowes the audience cannot apprehend where hee stole his lesson : and then though his minde bee not in the Dishes, it is in the Kitchin. There is such a neere union betwixt him and fees, that if ignorance hath made him spare a deceite in over-burthening his client, hee thinkes hee hath not done as he should doe, and that hee deserves miserably to bee laught at. His highest ambition is an Innes of Court, an old rich widdow, and the Stewardship of Leetes, and still he hopes to be the first of his name : He loves little manners but where he hopes to save, and there he playes the Sychophant. Hee had rather eate still then wipe his mouth : rather (I meane) seeke meanes to multiplie, then to repent his olde couseage. Hee thinkes nature may justifie his dealing though he proves somewhat bold with his kindred ; / p.218 / and therfore hee will couzen his own brother before any man. His almes bee oulde Shooes for Broomes : one for another : for without receiving he never gives. His discourse is commonly attended with a Scire facias, and he is ashamed in his heart when he heares of a cunninger knave then himselfe. Briefly, hee is indeed a meere Atturney, fit for all turnes that any way enrich his Cofer : for he hath knavery enough to cosen the people, but wit enough to deceive the gallowes. Howsoever being too busy about his common baite of lucre (thinking to snap at the divels glow-worme,) he is catched in his common noose, the Pillory, from whence he is delivered : but the Hunts-man markes him for an old breeder.

      I might heere accuse some excellent Atturneys (though they be good patterns of their countreys knowledge) because they could not in my former impression take this Character without scandall to themselves and honesty : and yet I pardon their mistaking : Because it is no discredit for a good Atturney to be no good Logitian.

---

CHARACTER XIII.

A crafty Scrivener

      IS the curse of mans crafty dealing : Hee is a curious workeman, and may be free of the Lock-smithes : for full of Instruments hee is, and Engines : and makes Manacles for / p.219 / any mans wearing above Twenty One. His first ambition commonly is to joyne forces, and make up his defects of pollicy, and custome by partaking in anothers projects : Then doth hee readily aspire to frequented places, a convenient shop, the notice of his neighbours, and so engrosse credit, or some text Widdow, by the Noverint of his Grogren-gowne : A common Strumpet never fawned so much on a young heire, as hee with flattery observes the Usurer, and with nice dutifull care to preserve him, makes his rotten hide, the chiefe Indentures that containe his Title. Obligations bee his best prayers : for hee cannot tie God to performe conditions, or put in suertyship. His friendship hath a Countermaund of being too honest ; which hee will obey, rather then not save by the bargaine. Hee is the safest man from danger in the pedigree of rapines ; for first, the Gallant lives by sale and Countrey Tenants ; the Citizen by the Gallant ; the Scrivener and the Devill upon both, or all : so neither lives by losse with the Gallant, nor upon trust, with the Citizen : His condemnation is a knot of Seales and their Impression : the first discover to him a conformed unity ; yet none hath more hand in the procuring of variance. The last discovers a tractable nature, which gives and takes impression. Of the first (that is to give) he knowes no meaning but when he gives the print of his fist, that it may sticke by elder brothers a whole age. Of the last (that is to take impression) he knowes none but a wrong meaning : for the best seale that imprints love in him, is onely the Kings picture ; and that love continues no longer then he beholds it. His quills and instruments betoken peace : you cannot therefore expect / p.220 / more valour in him, then to win ground by the advantage of weake Prodigalls, and such as runne away from thriftinesse : they be most importunate with him : with them he prevailes most : to them he sels his extortious nature at the highest value, because they be most willing to make it their penyworth. Is it possible hee should escape damnation, when his whole trust and dealing is in great Security ? He will suspend his neerest familiars, and not absolutely resolve them what he is able to doe ; in hope to purchase a supper or some provoking remembrance : and if hee be brought to testifie against his Usurer, he will counterfeit his knowledge, worse then a common Bawd that is questioned by an Officer about whoores. I know not how he should be trusted in his dealing : for when he promises to do much for a spendthrifts bribe, hee writes against him soon after, by making that Bond, which he knowes will be forfeited. His memory is his own ; another cannot safely trust it, in reckoning the day of payment : for he reckons what he can save, by renewing the hazard of a second forfeit, not your losse by the first : and so he over-reaches you, by over-reaching the time, when you trust his memory : If you trust him therefore you may feele the forfeite, and pay largely for an acquittance. He may perhaps helpe a friend in adversitie, but he will be damnd first ; by helping more for profit sake then friendship. His learning jumps just with, or falls sometimes short of an Atturnies ; being onely able to repeate the afore-said forme to thousand purposes : So all his mystery indeed is nothing to encrease his Art, but his Policy, or plaine knavery : And that, being served in, to the worlds banquet, represents a / p.221 / large Foxes head, and a little Sheep-skinne in divers dishes. It is the totall of his Creed, that nothing should be justified, or called lawfull, which hath not hand and Seale : that makes him exercise Hand and Seale, as the warrant for devises of his head and Soule. He never rayses the spirit of a Prodigall by charmes, but he together rayses the spirit of mammon a Citizen ; and then this potent conjurer bindes them both fast in a Quadrangle. Hee will seeme to know the Statute and common Law ; but commonly the construction failes him (for he lookes to his owne advantage) except the law hath practised upon his hearing, to teach the comment when he mistakes the Law. Having at length beene a long Auditor to the sweet lecture of Usury, hee loves the matter so well, that he becomes proficient, graduate, and professour in the Science : but after generall profession he approaches quickely to his center (from whence he sprung) Nothing.

---

CHARACTER XIIII.

A wrangling Welch Client

      IS a good Journey-man, if not a good Foot-man : He is the onely friend of Lawyers (if they be Welch begotten) and still sollicites them for a Judgement. But we may credibly thinke he will entertaine English Lawyers likewise ; for he makes the contention of Wales exceed the wranglings of Norfolke already. His valour is, that he can by no meanes / p.222 / carry coales ; and is ever therefore fittest for an action of the case. When hee expresseth (as oftentimes hee doth) bountie to out brave his adversary before his Counsell, then doth he rather and indeed expresse a spightfull arrogance ; manifesting that he beleeves himselfe to be a kins-man of Cadwallader, though he derives his pedegree from the dust of ninetynine generations : and he thinkes himselfe ennobled by the conceit of Owen Tudor as much as if they had beene brothers children. When hee visits offices he will drawe such a number of purses (if his adversary be present) that you may thinke he hath cutt or found a douzen in or betwixt Wales and Westminster. His pride lies wrapt up in a clout betweene his legges, or in a pocket in the Armehole : from thence hee drawes his Angels to feed his Lawyer, though himselfe sleepe supperlesse. (Howsoever) hee is content to be his owne Cooke ; and though his dyet be slender, yet his money and victuals lie within a clowtes thicknesse : which might excuse him from a beggerly want of food, but rather detects him of a beggarly pride. It is impossible he should eate much : for the least provocation makes him so froward ; that you may verily thinke hee hath eaten her belly full of Wasps and Salamanders, every houre in the day. But he saves many meales in cheesemongers shops ; by tasting often : and when he hath disliked all, hee contents himselfe with a parcel of two peniworth at the Chandelors. He makes the Tearme his time of Pilgrimage, and Offices at Law, the Shrine where hee offers up his devotion : Which (after he hath ended his voyage) amounts to voluntary pennance ; for he travailes bare-foote. Though he bee long in travaile and tarries late / p. 223 / yet nothing can be recovered by default of apparance : for inundations be his perpetuall affidavit : and he sweares Severne was overflowed with a witnes ; when all the country about complained of drynes. The profit which he gives to English Lawyers, he gives generally to the Lawes profession : that proceeds from his language, which to the credit of Innes of Court, and Lawe French, he utters harshly, with great amazement of beholders. His body is so proportioned to his minde, and his clothes to his body, that you connot finde a fitter modele of envy in the most beautifull worke of Spencer : For as envy pines away her carcasse when another thrives, so cannot she be cloathed better then (as a Welch Clyent is) with spoiles of innocence ; Frise ; or cotton. The best thing about him worth commendation is, that he cannot long dissemble his cariage and malice ; for he goes without a cloake continually. A peece of Parchment and a Seale throughly paid for, satisfies him presently instead of judgement : but otherwise he spends his faith upon the hope of costs : And if he dies before execution, he scarce hopes to be saved.

      Many of the nation were offended lately with this Character, which nothing doth concerne them ; if they had saved their fury, they might have beene thought wisermen.

/ p.224 /

CHARACTER XV.

A plaine Country Bridegroome

      IS the finest fellow in the Parish ; and hee that misinterprets my definition, deserves no Rosemary nor Rosewater : He never was maister of a feast before ; that makes him hazard much new complement : But if his owne Maister bee absent, the Feast is full of displeasure ; except in his latter dayes he grew rebellious. He shewes neere affinity betwixt mariage and hanging : and to that purpose, he provides a great Nosegay, and shakes hands with every one he meets, as if he were now preparing for a condemned mans voyage. Although he points out his bravery with ribbands, yet he hath no vaine-glory ; for he contemnes fine cloathes with dropping pottage in his bosome. The invitation of guests, provision of meate, getting of children, and his nuptiall garments, have kept his braine long in travaile ; if they were not arguments of his wooing Oratory. He invites by rule within distance, where he hopes to prevaile ; not without some paraphrase upon his meaning. But (howsoever) he seemes generous : for nothing troubles him, or takes away his stomacke more, then default of company : yet in his provision he had rather take away your stomacke then fill your belly. As for his children, if he begets above three, he may beget for Gods sake to store the Parish. And yet his rayment (for the time) must shew much varietie. The Taylor likewise must be a vexation to him, or his cloathes / p.225 / would never sit hansomely : But (above all) a bridle in his mouth would serve better then a Pickadell ; for if you restraine him from his objects, and the engine of his necke, you put him into the Pillory. He hath long forecast with his Sweet-hart in some odde corner of the milke-house, how he may goe the sparingest way to worke when he marryes : and he hath only that meanes to make her beleeve he is a frugall good husband : but though he meditates a twelve month, he cannot finde wisedome to spare halfe a yard, in the length, of his faire troublesome cloake. He must savour of gallantry a little ; though he perfume the Table with Rosecake ; or appropriate Bone-lace, and Coventry-blew. He hath Heraldy enough to place every man by his Armes : But his qualitie smels rancke with running up and downe to give a heartily welcome : Blame him not though he prove preposterous : for his inclination was perhaps alwayes good, but his behaviour now begins : which is notwithstanding (he thinkes) well discharged if when he dances, the heeles of his shooes play the Galliard.

---

CHARACTER XVI

A plaine countrey Bride

      IS the beginning of the world : or an old booke with a new Title : A quarters wages before hand and the title of a Countrey Dame be the two Adamants of her affection. Shee / p.226 / rises with a purpose to be extreamely sober : this begets silence, which gives her a repletion of aire without ventage : and that takes away her appetite. Shee seemes therfore commendably sober unto all : but she drives the Parson out of Patience with her modestie, unlesse he have interest, or be invited : She inclines to statelinesse, though ignorant of the meaning : Her interpretor, taster, carver, and Sewer, be therfore accidentall : and yet without these, she were an Image to the assembly : all the good ornaments that she hath to grace her when she is married ; be the severall tunes of ballades and songs besides halfe a douzen tales and proverbs, with as many tales and riddles ; and guilt rases of ginger Rosemary and Ribbands be her best magnificence. She wil therfore bestow a Livery, though she receives back wages : behaviour sticks to her like a disease : necessitie brings it, neither can shee take pleasure in the custome : and therfore importunacie with repetition, enforce her to dumbe signes : otherwise you must not expect an answere. She is a curteous creature : nothing proceedes from her without a curtesie. When the wedding dinner is ended, she hath a liberty from that day forward, to talke of weaning Calves and fatting poultrie among the housewives to her lifes end. She hath no rarity worth observance, if her gloves be not miraculous and singular : Those bee the trophy of some forlorne sutor, who contents himselfe with a large offering, or this glorious sentence, that she should have bin his bed-fellow. Her best commendation is to be kist often : this onely proceeds from her without interruption. She may to some seeme very raw in carriage : but this becomes noted through the feare of / p.227 / disclosing it. She takes it by tradition from her fellow Gossips, that she must weepe showres upon her marriage day : though by the vertue of mustard and onions, if shee cannot naturally dissemble : but good simplicity hath not taught her the Courte-invention, to squeake loude enough on her marriage night likewise : So Shee hath little or nothing to confirme her honesty : besides that which plaine innocency affords. Now like a quiet creature she wishes to loose her Garters quickly, that she may loose her maiden-head likewise. And now she is layd.

---

CHARACTER XVII.

My Mistresse

      IS a Magicke glasse : In which you may discerne vanities of the world, her selfe, and other women. She is a most intricate female text ; and though her workes bee common, yet you may longer and with lesse perfection study her meaning then the common law : For she is ready to give a new, before you have learned the olde lesson. Shee hath a multitude of servants and suffers all to bee before hand in their wages that they may still continue serviceable. She may be truely said a fayre one ; for like some Faire of a dayes length her beautie spreads at morning and vanishes at night. The truth is I first began to looke uppon her, because shee said shee loved a Poet well, and was in part a Poetresse ; / p.228 / for which good quality I might have loved her likewise but she was onely good at long Hexameters, or a long and a short even for varietie-sake ; which came so full uppon Ovids amorous veine, that I despised her meaning. You may well trust her that she will prove fruitfull : for she is a vessell made for burthen ; and is therefore light in cariage : her affection toward sweete meates have made her like a sugar chest apt to take fire. She had her education under a great Countes ; and if she could leave the Courtship shee learnt when she was a waiter, she might quickly prove a reasonable good woman. Her body is (I presume) of Gods making : and yet I cannot tell, for many parts therof she made her selfe. Her head is in effect, her whole body and attire : for from thence, and the devises there ingendred, proceedes her blushing modesty, her innocent white teeth, her gawdy gownes, her powdred hayre, her yellow bands, her farthingales, and false Diamonds. All these together, and a quicke fansie commend her function : for Fidlers and Painters bee full of Crotchets. Shee is well acquainted with games, and is so farre confident they be lawfull, that shee makes no more conscience to couzzen you, then to handle a paire of Cards. She is alway loose-bodied ; conserve of sloes cannot binde her. You need not make the question whether she can sing ; for visitation will teach you, that she can scarce leave singing. And as for dauncing, she wil aske the question of you. She hath the trick of Courtship not to bee spoken with : to take Phisicke, and to let her mountebancke bee the best ingredient. She hath at idle houres handled Phisicke points her selfe : and if any man adventures / p.229 / on her receipts, hee will hardly scape a scowring. She is better then Greshams Almanacke to foretell seasons : When she complaines of head-ach, it signifies faire weather : for then she is meditating to deceive some honest Gull : and when she complaines downewards, of the winde collicke, it signifies an uncleane season, suspecting that a fresh suiter hath or may bee ill informed of her conditions, she will protest before-hand that she was once troubled with a sixe moneths timpany. Her wit is Dainty because seldome : and whatsoever is wanting in the present delicacie of conceit, she makes good by rehersal of stolne witty answers, even to the seaventh edition. She purposes to travell shortly : But her meaning is to returne with some French commodity ; and she will rather fetch it, though she may be furnished at home, because shee loves the cheapest ware, and the outlandish fashion. She doth ambitiously bragge of the respect shee found among my Lords followers ; and (so hoping to perswade by credit of her education) shee gives any man a gentle warning to refuse her. Her generosity extends thus farre ; to bestow love, and looke for neither thankes nor requitall : because a Marmoset and little Dog are ignorant of both. These excepted, she never loved truly. Her morall vertues be a subtill thrift, and a thriving simplicity. But whilst she makes the best construction of a matter, she would make likewise a thousand pound Joyncture of her behaviour only, and Court-cariage. This bargaine is open for any man, who thinkes not the peny-worth doubtfull. And yet I must confesse freely she hath more goodnes about her little finger, then I have about my whole body : I meane / p.230 / her Diamond. Her best Religion is to teach a Parret the Lords prayer ; but the ten Commandements be a new matter : so that Petitions be more plausible with her, then Instructions at her owne request ; therefore I give this to her looking-glasse.

---

CHARACTER XVIII.

A Gossip

      IS a windie Instrument ; a paire of bellowes, or indeed two : for without her fellow, she is nothing. These labour joyntly as at an Alchymists furnace, onely to beget vapours : she receives and sends backe breath with advantage ; that is, her function. Her end is to kindle ; That is, to warme, or burne : she can do both. And being quiet, or not in contention, she is without her calling ; that is, her company. Her knowledge is her speech ; the motive, her tongue ; and the reason her tongue also : but the subject of her conference is the neighbours wife, and her husband ; or the neighbours wife and husband both. The modesty that I could ever observe in her dealing, is thus much only : she must be twise intreated among strangers, before she takes downe a whole glasse. She is the mirth of marriages, and publicke meetings : but her naturall season comes in with a minced pye. at Christmas : when all may attend with leasure. She carries her bladder in her braine ; that, is full ; her braine in / p.231 / her tongues end ; that she empties : It was washed downe thither with pintes of Muscadine ; and being there, she looses it like urine, to ease her kidneyes : which would otherwise melt with anger, if she might not speake freely. Being once a servant, she then learnt to runne, or goe apace ; that shee might tarry and take, or give intelligence by the way. She æmulates a Lawyer in riding the circuite, and therefore she keepes a circuit, in, or out of her owne liberties : striving to be both one of the Judges, Jury and false witnesses : for she loves, to be universall. She contemplates within, that she may practise abroad, and then she spewes up secrets as if they were mixed with stibium : her reasons be colour ; that she dawbes on every Fable : Her truth is, to make truths and tales convertibles : tales be her substance, her conceit, her vengeance, reconcilements, and discourse. Not one woman in the parish shall commonly be accounted honest without her licence : which must be purchased by consenting to her motions. She makes every new inhabitant pay the tribute of an invitation, before she speakes well of him, or calls him neighbor. And by the vertue of a speciall mouth-glew, she cleaves readily to all acquaintance. To talke of Cookerie, or cleanlinesse, and to taxe others, is her best and onely commendation. Her lungs be everlasting : she cannot be shortwinded : if those would perish, she might be recovered. She is alike dangerous with the Poxe, to the towne where she inhabites : and being pledged, or admitted among the females she infects more easily. If she railes against whoredome, it savours not of devotion ; for she is onely married, to escape the like / p.232 / scandall ; from the doore outward. She is more fugitive then a swallow : there is no hold to be taken of her in her owne house : A venison Pasty will drawe her all over the parish : nay her nostrill is so quicke, that she will discover it though it be Mutton, within a miles compasse ; and vexe all the neighbors with her impudence if she be not invited. The buriall of a second husband gives her the title of experience ; but when she hath out-lived three, she takes authority and experience both (as a Souldier that hath passed the pikes of three set battailes) for granted. Her commendable antiquitie reaches not above fiftie ; for growing old, she growes odious to her selfe first : And to prevent the losse of company ; (having lived vainly) she commences hostesse : that alone preserves her humour. A mungrill print would best expresse her Character ; for she is indeed a mungrel woman, or the worst part of both sexes, bound up in one volume : seeing she corrupts the best by the use of them.

---

CHARACTER XIX.

An old Woman

      IS one that hath seene the day : and is commonly ten yeares younger, or ten years elder by her owne confession, then the people know she is : if she desires to be youthfull accounted, you may call her Mistres, widow, or the like : / p.233 / but otherwise old mother, Grandam, and such names that seale antiquitie : the first she takes well, if childlesse : the last never well, but when shee can speake wonders to grandchildren of the third generation. If they please her, she hath old harry soveraignes, that saw no sunne in fiftie yeares, to give away on her death bed. If shee bee not toothlesse, her teeth eate more then they chaw : for I presume they are hollow. She loves the upper end of the table, and professes much skill in Cookery : shee thinkes it also some felicitie to give attendance about sick persons : but is the common foe to all Physitians. In agues, aches, cough, and tissickes, she confidently will undertake to cure by prescription : if her selfe bee untainted. As for diseases which shee knowes not, she dares proceed to Dragon-water, Holy-thistles, Wormewood drinkes, and Clisters, without the helpe of Galen, or Hyppocrates : if she blushes at the Sunne rising, her colour changes not till bed time : and some times though she drinkes down her break-fast, by dinner time her teeth be grown, and she will seeme to chew the cud. Shee lusts abundantly toward young women, that shee may talke as dame regent ; or fall into discourse of childbirth and midwives. She may as safely walke amongst contagious Leapers, as into the kitchin ; and smels infection, or perfume with the same nostrill. She hath perpetually the pride of being too cleanlie or the adherent vice of being too sluttish. She affects behaviour in the brood of youth, and will divulge her secrets of superstition to any that will be attentive. She hath with many complaints of Aches in her hippes bought an Almanack to know change of weather. Envy / p.234 / is to her an inseparable twinne, and though it be offensive commonly to few, yet doth it oftentimes consume her selfe, and starve away her memory.

---

CHARACTER XX.

A Witch

      IS the Devils Hostesse : hee takes house-roome and diet of her ; and yet shee payes the reckoning : guilty thoughts and a particular malice to some one person makes her conceive a detestation of all : her policy of sequestration, to avoide jealousie of neighbours, detects her envious spirit : for the melancholy darknes of her low cottage, is a mayne conjecture of infernals : her name alone (being once mounted) makes discourse enough for the whole parish : if not for all hamlets within six miles of the market. She receives wages in her owne coyne : for she becomes as well the object of every mans malice, as the fountaine of malice towards every man. The torments therefore of hot Iron, and mercilesse scratching nayles, be long thought uppon, and much threatned (by the females) before attempted. Meane time she tolerates defiance thorough the wrathfull spittle of matrons, in stead of fuell, or maintenance to her damnable intentions : shee is therfore the ignorant cause of many Witches besides her selfe : for ceremonious avoidance brings the true title to many, although they hartily scorne the name / p.235 / of Witches. Her actions may well seeme to betray her high birth and pedegree : for shee doth quickly apprehend a wrong before it bee mentioned : and (like a great family) takes no satisfaction which doth not infinitely countervaile the abuse ; children therefore cannot smile upon her without the hazard of a perpetuall wry mouth : a very Noble-mans request may be denied more safely then her petitions for butter-milke and small Beere : and a great Ladies, or Queenes name may be lesse doubtfully derided. Her prayers and Amen, be a charm and a curse : her contemplations and soules delight bee other mens mischiefe : her portion and sutors be her soule, and a succubus : her highest adorations bee Yew trees, dampish Church-yards, and a fayre Moone-light : her best preservatives be odde numbers, and mightie Tetragramaton : these provocations to her lust with devills, breedes her contempt of man ; whilst she (like one sprung from the Antipodes) enjoyes her best noone about midnight : and to make the comparison holde, is trodden under foote by a publicke and generall hatred ; shee is nothing, if not a Pythagorean ; for she maintaines the transmigration of spirits : these doe uphold the market of bargaine and sale among them ; which affoords all sorts of cattell at a cheaper rate then Bankes his horse, and better instructed but (like a prodigall) she is outreached, by thinking earnest is a payment ; because the day is protracted. Her affections be besotted in affection of her science ; She would not else delight in Toades, Mice, or spinning Cats without deversity : it is probable she was begotten by some Mounte-banke, or Wording Poet, for she consists of as many fearefull sounds without science, and / p.236 / utters them to as many delusive purposes : She is a cunning statuary : and frames many idols, these she doth worship no otherwise then with greedy scorne : and yet she is a deepe Idolater. Implication is enough with her ; to bespeake any mans picture, without his entreaty : for if it appeares that he can provoke her, it implyes likewise that he desires to be remembred by her : and Images be a certaine memoriall. Shee seldome lives long enough to attaine the Mysterie of Oyntments, herbs, charmes, or incantations perfectly : for age is most incident to this corruption, and destiny prevents her. But howsoever shee bee past childebearing, yet shee gives sucke till the latest minute of fivescore and upwards. If shee out lives hempe : a wooden halter is strong enough : unlesse she saves a labour. But God forbid that age, simplicity, and froward accusations should be a Witches tryall.

---

CHARACTER XXI.

A Pandar

      IS the scab of a common-wealth : surfeits raise him to a blister ; necessity, and want of good Surgeons, make him a mattery sore ; whilst time and Tobacco brings him to be a dry scale. He is commonly the upshot of a yonger brother, who lackes Honestie and Inheritance ; or the remainder of a Prodigall, who hath lost them and himselfe. His Etymologie is Pawne-dare : which intimates, hee dares pawne his soule to / p.237 / damnation ; or his stolne parcels to the Brokers. Or you may call Pandar, quasi pinne the dore. Bawdy songs and he came both in together, for he is no generous companion except he can sing, and also compose stinking ditties. He hath beene a great hunter up and downe in his daies, and therefore (it is no wonder) if towards a decay he become Warrener. Arts he studies not ; neither wishes any but Rhetoricke to catch maiden-heads. He is the devils Countryman or indeed acquaintance : therefore in the devils absence hee proves his Deputie ; and welcomes customers with fireworkes : a pipe of Tobacco, and a hot Queane. He is a corrupted lingust : for he hath made bawdy the derivation of body. His Usher-like attendance on Publike whores hath made Coaches frequent : to distinguish them and Private Ones. His valour is expressed in blacke patches (much about roaring Boyes humour) but playsters, which expresse him more ventrous, hee conceales. He wishes to be the first teacher of a Novice : and (being so admitted his Tutor) hee first teaches him to beware of adultery and theft, by bringing him into danger of both, before he deserves it. And with those two vices he doth first accuse him, because himselfe is best acquainted with those two. He may truely boast if he returnes from warre, that hee returnes wounded to the bones ; for he was wounded so before he went. If he be married, hee hath divorced himselfe, because his wife was honest, and so means to continue : or (being dishonest) because she was odiously deformed, not worthy to entice others. In the vacation time he teaches his whores the knowledge of false Dice and cheating, by way of recreation ; / p.238 / or he travailes to get money with his Monsters at Sturbridge faire. His Creed is a matter of three Articles, and them he beleeves actually : First, that there is no God : secondly, that all women, and more especially that all Citizens wives, bee, or would bee, common, or peculiar whores : and lastly, that all things are lawfull, which can escape the Lawes danger : good examples therefore prevaile with him, as showers among the stones : they make him more slipperie and studious to deceive the people : For the more people be seasoned with good examples, the more ready he is to intrappe them ; not to imitate. His Fellowships be retired, and within dores : for being abroad, he is a sober lumpe of villany ; delighting unsociably (like a Cut-purse, and for the same reason) rather in multitudes then civill numbers. The Bawd and Hee, are chiefe confederats : with whom together, (as occasion happens) the Constable hath standing wages to be an assistant : every way as dangerous as the other two. Bowling allies, dicing-howses, and Tobacco-shops, be the Temples, which he and his fraternitie of Roarers, have erected to Mercury and Fortune : In the two first, he doth acknowledge their Deity : in the last he offers smoaking incense to them both, in recompence of booty gotten by Chance and cheating. If the Gallowes be disappointed of his desteny ; they can blame nothing but his tender bones, which could not brooke so long a journey ; or a whores quarell, whilst Wine was his Leader.
      Honest men are afraid of him, and knaves and whores bee suspicious of him ; for he is an evill spirit : hee was / p.239 / never generally commended but when hee went to hanging ; then hee was commended (doubtlesse) for a propper man : for every fellow with an entire doublet is called propper man when hee rides to Tiburne.

---

CHARACTER XXII.

A Friend

      IS one of the waightiest sillables (God excepted) that English or any Language doth afford. He is neerer to me then marriage, or naturall kindred of the same bloud ; because love without kindred or ceremony, is more to be admired ; and by the consequent more precious. Marriage and Kindred goes oftentimes no further then the Name or Body : but friendship is annexed with unanimity. My Friend therfore is either disposed (as I am) well : or well disposed to make me better. His multitude of acquaintance doth not extenuate his love, nor devide his affection. His lower fortunes be not distasted, not dissembled, nor swolne bigger then they bee. He must not be imployed in trifles and continually, like a servant ; nor with expectation, like a Sonne : For an absolute Friend will finish (when importance calles) before he can be requested. He therefore among all, confutes the saying of Wares proffer'd : For what a Friend gives freely, (either to prevent request, or to supply a modest silence) inchants the party. Hee is much dearer, then my / p.240 / legges and armes, for he is my body and my soule together. His honour is true love : which being so, hee loves because he will not, and not because he cannot alter : That man cannot alter, who cannot with honesty disclaime affection ; as being tyed with dotage or favours above merrit and requitall : But friends will not : which signifies that their love depends upon approbation of the naked man. A Friend therfore must be freely chosen not painfully created : for jealousies and feares intrude when favours be not mutuall ; if favours bee the first beginning. He is manifest to me, whilst invisible to the world : and is indeed much about the making of this Character ; little in worth and little pleasing at the first sight. Hee is able and willing, to councell, to perform. A second meeting thinkes him fitt ; A second tryall knowes him a fit Friend. The meere imagination of a friends love is an inchanted armor : my heart is impenetrable whilst I weare the comfort : for whether I survive or dye, my Friend pre-serves me. Time nor anger can dissolve his amity : for either he submits and I pardon, or I submit and he pardons. Hee is like a true Christian, that undertakes and suffers for Christs sake as a freind for his freinds sake with equall joy, both credit and discredit, rest and travaile. Being once had, a freind is full enough, and true a needles epithite : for I am his, he mine : and being so, we are one to another the best or no freinds. It is foolish Paganisme to worship the suns rising, which doth regard all alike with his Idolaters : and it is crazy dotage for any to honour that freind, who prostitutes his favour to the worlds liking. A perfect freind, thinkes freindship his felicity : without which / p.241 / estimation, the neerest freindship, is but a sociable custome : for man hath never made an action perfect, unlesse he drew felicitie from his actions nature.

---

CHARACTER XXIII.

A sicke Machiavell Pollititian

      IS a baked meate for the devill ; and a dinner of dainties for Phisitians : the villany which makes him fit for the devils banquet, is close and private : but his bountie to prevaile with phisicke is prodigall. He is in securitie a contingent Gull ; in death a possible confusion : for sicknes lookes for him, before he looked for it ; unlesse he poysons himselfe : therefore he is taken unprovided ; so, proves a gull : And upon deaths approach, he feeles a tumult within himselfe because he looked no sooner. He thinkes upon his lifes proceedings, either with careles Infidelitie, or sorrow to be interrupted : and he findes no shifting pollicy to answere his lowd conscience, but only this, ars deluditur arte : meaning that it was lawfull for him to cousen the world, which otherwise would have cousened him. Religious I cannot call him ; sacer I may call him justly : for hee among the Romans was entitled sacer, who by the people was generally condemned ; and such is the generall fortune of a Pollitician, when he growes sicke and toward a conclusion. In health he was like the Nimph Echo mentioned in Ovids Fables : for / p.242 / he was alway deeply in love with his owne pollicy ; but pollicie despising to be his safegard against sicknes, he turnes (as Echo did) into noyse : for none is spoken of, so much as a Pollitician neere his death. It is delivered, that the Romans chose no Senatour till he had worne his age by likelyhood past the meaning and sence of pleasure : Destiny hath taken the same order with a Pollitician : For he is never admitted to his infernal dignity, till he grows decrepit ; and almost weary of himselfe. But I admire how poyson should molest him : because he and poyson have bene the most assured friends and familiars. The faculties of his soule are much indebted to the devill : for he hath borrowed many darke inventions from his patterne : and therefore like a Bankrout he dares not walke abroad out of his body ; least he should be arrested by the devils officers. He may be truly likend to the covetous man ; who scornes to be accounted poore, and is unwilling to be accounted rich : A Pollititian likewise will not, in sicknes nor in health seeme careles of religion, as if he wanted piety ; nor scrupulous in conversation, as if he dealt only with Puritans. When he was lusty and in perfect health, his agents were like the Tinkers dog, which carries his maisters budget and knowes no meaning of the tooles : but when he falls sicke he makes every messenger know his griefe. As Cleomines interpreted the fire which brake from Junoes Image, so may we interpret a Pollititians sicknes : If it proceeds from his heads devises, as when he counterfeits to worke some subtlety, then we may looke that he will prevaile and recover : but when his paines proceed really from the heart, we may then imagine that he / p.243 / can goe no farther. He makes me think of many Gamesters ; who play cunningly while they can loose little ; but when they hazard a round purchase, they prove arrant bunglers : and so the Pollitician is a most accurate gamester whilst hee doth only hazard some reparable fortune, but now he ventures the maine happines, life, he quailes and growes faint-hearted. In health he presumes to be so much a man, that he will governe monarchyes and men : but being (as I have superscribed him) Sicke, he shewes himselfe a little childe, which cryes most when it is undressing, and made ready for the Cradle. His pollicyes were of a fine thrid, quicke and lively : sicknes therefore lumpish, agrees worse with him, then durty weather and silke stockings. You may perceive when honest men dissemble, easily : for they will seeme distracted and will stammer in conference : because they feele their meaning and their speech divided ; which pulls them two contrary wayes at once : But a curious Politician dissembles more intricately : because he will not listen to his hearts meaning, when he shadowes hate or piety with appearance : and therfore we are much beholding to his extreame sicknesse : for then hee is so farre from coulouring his anguish, that he discovers many more faintings then he needs. Death and sicknes makes him differ from a vegetable : For as a vegetable consists of Salt, Sulphur and Mercury ; so likewise a Politician excells in three like properties : Wit, Sudden execution, and Envy : but this makes the difference : A vegetable yeelds the qualities, when it selfe perishes : A Politician, when he is best in health. No marvell though he be daunted when hee remembers the next world, though in a / p.244 / staggering beleefe : for by the warrant of potions, gloves, sallets, privy stabbs, and false accusers, he hath sent so many thither before him, that hee may justly feare they will sue an appeale against him. Sicknes and importunacy to recover health layes him open to a double mischief ; Death and Dishonor of manhood : For he that craves helpe where helpe cannot be afforded, suffers a double griefe ; want and dispaire : as hee that walkes under a narrowe pent-house to shield himselfe from raine, feeles a double shower ; droppings from heaven, and evesdropps. A Politician holds that opinion of advancement which the Roman South-sayers held of the North-side : he thinkes it fortunate because it is above the vulgar : and therefore is he most unwilling to decline, because death makes æquality. Howsoever it is unto him a greater sorrow to meditate the way of death, then to be dead ; for being dead he looks for no disquiet. But after death his name growes old with being odious, like that infortunate Valerian, whose age was long, but tædious and disgracefull.

---

CHARACTER XXIIII.

A Page

      IS an abridgement of greater charges, sprung from the destruction of hospitality and surloignes. He had neede be well garded : for he is too little to defend himselfe : and yet / p.245 / hee hath proved himselfe a tall champion ; for he and a footeman have driven away many valiant Bucklers, and Blew-coates. When hee serves a Master, it may be the title of his function to bee squire of the body, for he waites neere about his person, and carries his weapons : being little hee is my Ladies Jewell : therefore shee thinkes him pretious ; and finds no faulte with him but because he lacks weight : which is often times the weake reason why my Lady lives honest. Though hee bee little, hee hath a reasonable soule : but I can see little difference betwixt him and a Mounkey : they both serve to passe away time ; and almost in the same manner : being either to be whipped or handled, or to be looked upon. It seemes to me that his parents doubted of his long life ; and therefore they take a course betimes that hee may know the world before hee dies, and learn experience while he lives : for before he grows to a yards length, he hath wickednesse enough taught him, to damne a thrise bigger body without originall sinne. He and a wench differ most in apparel. He hath power to entise : for hee takes by gift a lease for yeers of Cupids diety : which hath continuance no longer then he is under growth. Among all of what condition and degree soever, he will be drunke most early and betimes in the morning : for he learnes to stagger at twelve and to bee dead drunke at fifteene : which is, to be drunke almost by five a clock in the morning : for fifteene yeeres of age, is three quarters past foure ; reckoning foure yeeres to an houre from the nativity. Hee belongs most commonly to the man ; but hee is the womans play-fellow. Hee is much about the bignesse of Hercules his foote ; the impression / p.246 / whereof (according to Herodotus) amounted to two cubits length : But whereas the same author saith that the great region of Exampel afforded little worth noting besides Hercules, his foote, I may protest it afforded nothing in comparison of a Page : for that being a region of two thousand miles compas, had onely an impression of two cubits : but a Page in the little compasse of two Cubits, hath a whole worlde of Roguery : which hee may perhappes justifie according to his Oath because he cannot well discerne that his oath is better broken then kept : and so does nothing against his conscience. He smells after the waighting-gentlewoman, as Fancy my Ladies dog, after the great Spaniell-bitch : he proffers fayre, but can doe little to the purpose. Hee speakes Bawdy freely as if it were his mother tongue : but he cannot bee so bad as his word. And thus by meere chaunce with a little dash I have drawne the picture of a Pigmey.

      I thinke it the most unprofitable, inhumane, and wretched basenesse, to multiply the least affliction ; much more to triumph in a great mans sorrow : if therfore thou didst expect some sawcynesse, like to the late elegies, under this title, repent thy folly before thou makest it knowne.

/ p.247 /

CHARACTER XXV.

An honest Shepheard

      IS a man that well verifies the Latine peece, qui bene latuit bene vixit : hee lives well that lives retired : for hee is alwayes thought the most innocent because hee is least publicke : and certainely I cannot well resolve you whether his sheepe or hee be more innocent. Give him fatte Lambes, and faire weather and he knowes no happines beyond them. He shewes most fitly among all professions, that nature is contented with a little for the sweete fountaine is his fayrest alehouse ; the sunnybanke his best chamber. Adam had never lesse need of neighbors freindship ; nor was at any time troubled with neighbors envy lesse then hee : The next groave or thicket will defend him from a shower : and if they be not so favourable, his homely pallace is not farre distant. He proves quietnes to be best contentment, and that there is no quietnes like a certaine rest. His flock affords him his whole rayment, outside and linings, cloath and leather : and in stead of much costly linnen, his little garden yeelds hemp enough to make his lockrum shirts : which doe preserve his body sweetend against court-itch and poxes, as a seare-cloath sweetens carcasses. Hee gives the just Epitome of a contented man : for he is neither daunted with lightning and thunder, nor over joyed with spring-time and harvest. His daily life is a delightfull worke, whatsoever the worke be ; whether to mend his garments, cure a diseased sheep, instruct / p.248 / his Dogge, or change pastures : and these be pleasant actions, because voluntary, patient, not interrupted. He comprehends the true patterne of a moderate wise man : for as a shepheard so a moderate man hath the supremacy over his thoughts and passions : neither hath he any affection of so wilde a nature, but he can bring it into good order, with an easie whistle. The worst temptation of his idlenesse teaches him no further mischiefe, then to love entirely some nut-brown milke-maid, or hunt the squirrell, or make his Cosset wanton. Hee may turne many rare esteemed Phisitians into shame and blushing : for whereas they with infinite compounds and fayre promises, doe carry men to death, the furthest way about ; he with a few simples preserves himselfe and familie, to the most lengthned sufferance of nature. Tarre and Honey be his mithridates and syrups ; the which together with a Christmas Caroll, defend his desolate life from cares and melancholy. With little knowledge and a simple faith, he purifies his honest soule, in the same manner as he can wash his body in an obscure fountaine, better then in the wide Ocean. When hee seemes lazy and void of action, I dare approve his harmles negligence, rather then many approved mens diligence. Breifely he is the perfect allegory of a most blessed governor : And he that wil pursue the tropes invention, may make this Character a volume.

/ p.249 /

CHARACTER XXVI.

A Taylors man

      IS a Conjunction copulative : He makes things hang together ; and when his master seperates, he reconciles. A man would thinke he might bee trusted ; for hee goes thorough stitch with businesse. He sits brooding like a Goose upon the shop boord, and hatches parcells out of peeces. He will be any mans sumpter-horse, between six and eight in the morning : and hee lookes for twelve pence, or a tester to bring men acquainted with their owne cloathes. He loves bread by custome ; for it is a part of his trade to bee a binder. Hee thinkes it no sinne to second his Maister : and therfore when his maister hath done stealing, hee begins. He doth or may resolve by vertue of his Indentures to feele a two-folde itch, though his indenture specifies faire usage and cleane linnen : And he holds it lawfull to shrugg upon the shop-boord, but rather then hee will wriggle before Gentlemen, he dares be bitten to the marrow. The Basilisk and Eagle cannot match his eye-sight ; for hee can looke through buffe, or three-piled velvet, but with his needles eye. Hee will stoope to your very breeches to doe you good, though you disgrace him utterly. He carryes alwaies about him the picture of Horaces crow : but hee perceives no such matter : he weares his apparel by leave of the peoples ignorance : for if every customer could challenge his owne remnant, hee would be stript naked. He needs not use the Corn cutter ; / p.250 / for the slip-shoe favours him. Call his theft in question, and hee condemnes himselfe : for he pleads auncient custome ; whereas Antiquity punish'd close theevery of that kinde, with a double payne. Hee hath little or nothing to plead christianity and courage, but sitting crosse-leg'd : Which property makes him reverence the Knight Templars, and thinke that his profession hath beene of the same order. Hee hath no more courage then will serve to commend his owne workman-ship : And you may know as well when a Blackamore is dead, as when hee dissembles by the countenance. He deceives freely, with small discredit, and lesse shame ; as some Phisitians that bee Noble-mens Panders : It is incident to the profession, and past finding out. Hee neede not wonder why the Lowse should trouble his, more then other Trades : for his garments have more seames then two or three sutes together. Or you may think it reason, that he should be bitten outwardly with Lice, because hee scornes to be bitten inwardly with Conscience. Little familiarity serves to make him (as likewise all clownish Trades-men) your æquall, without the Heralds pitty. Tearing off his apparell, is the least wrong you can offer him : for hee hath his mends in his own hand. He can shew nothing to prove himselfe worth the name of Man ; but his denomination of a Taylors man : Which argues most against him ; and proves him to bee a Cowards coward : For being a Servant, hee must feare his Maister, who feares all men of spirit. A paire of sheeres and a pressing Iron, are his cheife goods and purchase. You may sooner make his thimble holde water, without stopping, then his fancy keepe one fashion. Breifly / p.251 / he consists of shreds and remnants ; yet oftentimes there goes but a paire of sheeres betwixt him and a Gentleman : For many Gentlemen consist of out-side, in which the Taylors man takes part.

---

CHARACTER XXVII.

A Fidler

      IS, when he playes well, a delight only for them who have their hearing : but is, when he playes ill, a delight only for them who have not their hearing ; and is alwaies a trouble to himselfe, because he heares too much : his head is wider then his braine, by so much as a Carriers boot is wider then his leg ; much about halfe in halfe. Hee may best endure to fall groveling in a puddle : For it is part of his profession to be a scraper. He is like the Nomades, a wanderer from his child-hood : there is no certainty of his abiding : he cannot be bound prentise ; for journy-man-like hee travailes from place to place, seeking to be set on worke before he hath learnt his trade. Being suddenly entertained without agreement, he is suddenly turned out of dores, without giving offence. He doth enquire out Gentlemens names and lodgings as if he purposed to lye in waite for an arrest : and the truth proves little otherwise : For he doth arrest men by their ears though they have beene in the Pillory. He hath his morning, his mid-day, and his evening devotion : Wherein / p.252 / praying for others he findes his owne blessing. His company stand like the foremen of a Jury, to give in their verdict ; and he doth alwaies make two or three shillings be cast ; or as much as you please to give him. He is not worth a fiddle-sticke without nimble fingers ; and they be the surest good quality to make him suspected. Hope of imployment drives him up to London : and he thinkes that an unlucky day in terme, which is not a day of hearing. He bids God give your worship good morrow, in the most dolefull and scurvy fashion ; that his musicke may relish the better. A new song and a base-Viall makes him. He deceives with his commodity worse then a Tobacco-man : For he will utter Peg of Ramsey, and the Maske of Lincolnes Inne, both for one prise. It is not materiall how soundly, but how long he hath laid time asleepe : for that is indeed his faculty ; to be a temporall inchanter. He is a defended night-walker : and under priviledge of Musicke takes occasion to disquiet men, who had rather sleepe, then heare him. Disquiet is not all the danger he brings with him : for he can send his little spirit of Musick upon a ladder of Lute-strings, into your private chamber : and enforce you to picke your own pockets that he may depart contented. He disproves the rule in Logicke ; quod efficit tale magis est tale : The workman is more excellent then his worke : for he hath wit enough to tune his Viall though his wits are alwaies untunable. Fidlers may have the same conceit, which Scipio had among the Romans : the former Scipio increased Romes power : the last, Romes luxury : and Fidlers at first were instruments of the warres ; but now of ryot. Hee lookes more to be commended / p.253 / by the companies ignorance then his good Musicke, and more by their bounty then by their ignorance. His braines are (like the Mackerell) a drie meate ; and therefore they must be butterd with songs and ballads, or they bee worth nothing : the tunes warme his head, and keep it boyling : he doth apprehend tunes (as the Beadle apprehends beggars) when they be vagrant : that they may worke together in the bridewell of his noddle, to maintaine themselves and him. The tippets of his eare be noynted with an invisible Oyle of custome : which serves to catch tunes as birdlime catches flyes ; and, being taken, one catches another. He dares intrude by vertue of his profession, not of his vocation : For hee comes without calling but he will neither prove a delight nor trouble to any man against his will : and therefore he beginns thus ; Will it please you to have any Musicke ? If that Musicke rather please you, call for the Fiddler himselfe.

---

CHARACTER XXVIII.

An Executioner

      IS a husbandman ; belonging to that great Lordship of the world, a prison. Hee goes to cart commonly with us, in these quarters ; and sometimes to harrowes with a hurdle. Hee hath lawful reason to be lazy : for his harvest and seede time are at other mens appointment : malefactors are / p.254 / his graine ; which sowes itselfe in mischief ; while hee sleepes and dreames of no such matter : the sherife his landlord appointes the time of reaping : the ground about the gallowes is his garden plot : from whence he gathers, Hemp, Flax and woollen dressed ready to his hand. Upon that fruitful bowgh the gallowes, he doth ingraft his medlars : when he gathers them he contents himselfe only with parings : for knowing that their inwards be good for nothing til they be rotten, hee buries them in the ground, that they may ripen and wax mellow : but he cannot looke to enjoy them : for they be never fully ripe until the resurrection. The blood of Earles and Barons, are as a fruitfull rayne to him : for it betokens and begets his plenty. With saplesse worme-eaten trunkes of hereticks, he makes a bonefire ; to signifie Gods gratious deliverance of our king and kingdom, from the like danger : and when the peoples heads (like to the tops of trees) are over laden with sowre fruite, hee prunes their head-branches in the pillory. But when he pares away the top close to the trunke and body, it must be intended that the body and soule will flourish better within a while after. Vilaines turne hangmen, as Serpents turne Dragons : a serpent eats a serpent, before it is made a Dragon : and a villaine hangs a villaine before he may be called Hangman. He doth observe state in his action : for his place of presence is exceeding well hanged. The taylor cannot cousen him : his wardrobe affords choyse of garments. He resembles the government of a notable tyrant : he lookes to the bringing up of his favourites, and helpes to their bringing downe : he hath many dependant followers : for (as the proverb saith) hang- / p.255 / man leades the dance ; but he behaves himselfe towardes them like a cruell master : for when they have once shewed him a slippery trick, he puls their cloath over their eares, and turnes them out of service. Hee is one of the most dangerous ignorant people (except the Major and Aldermen) that keepes about corporations : there is no dealing with him under the prise of a broken joynt. You may well thinke his weapons are unmercyfull ; for his Hangers are a deadly torment. He can dispatch and Execute past amendment : but the meaning of advise he knows not : for who can tell mee of a hangman that gives counsell ?   he was never so much in love with his trade as when the man preferd Tyburne before Burmuda : and I am halfe perswaded that if hee had but a balladmakers poetry, he would sooner make an Epitaph for that freind to the gallowes, then any prince in Christendom : till he turnes poet he may be thus furnished.

Here lies a wretch so loving to the rope, He chose it rather then Bermudas hope : I blush to thinke the fellow heere remaines, He was so worthy to be hangd in Chaynes.

/ p.256 /

A Postscript.
      THE presse hath, instead of pressing faults to death, begotten many faults in spight of all my diligence : It shall be therefore the weakest part of thy judgement (reader) to discerne the superfluity and defect of points, words, or letters. And for the few Latine quotations added in this last copie, it is left altogether to thy discretion, to thinke I meant to acknowledge every part of allusions : And to distinguish this from the learning which lyes, in mother-tongue translations : But beware of trusting the margents ; for they bee shamefully corrupted by the printers negligence. Turne over to the sixt impression of S. Thomas Overburyes wife ; and you may find the mad-Dogs foame specified in my title sheet.

[ p.257 ]  (image of page 257)

London and the Countrey Carbonadoed and Quartred into Severall  Characters. By D. Lupton. Hor. de Art. Poet. Brevis esse laboro. London,   1632.

[ p.259 ]  (image of page 259)

To the

Right Honorable Lord,

the

Lord Goring, Baron of Hurster-point,

and

Master of the Horse to the Queenes Highnes.

Right Honorable :

      YOUR Brothers (Lieutenant Coronell Goring) real worth shewed to mee in the Warres abroad, imboldned me to present this new borne babe to your Protection, not doubting but to finde the same Reality of worth in your Selfe in the Court at home, as I found in Him in forraigne Leagers : The Subject is new and Merry, the fitter eyther for Court or Field. It was conceived and perfected in ten dayes space ; and now desires tuition under your Lordship. It is the Emblem of my affection, and so hopes to be lov'd and lik'd the better and sooner ; it is the first, but not perhaps to bee the last. I had thought to have presented it unto your Lordship, before this time in Print, as I did in the Manuscript, had not eyther some malevolent spirit, or envious Planet crost me in my designes. I wish that it may bee esteem'd / p.260 / nere the worse, though from so meane a hand, and so unworthy a person as my self. Lend it a favourable smile to comfort and cherish it, and it shalbe the highth of my desires ; thus presenting my selfe, it, and what is, or shall be mine, to your Honor, I humbly take my leave.

Your Honors obliged : D. LUPTON.

[ p.261 ]  (image of page 261)

To the Reader.

      If Courteous, I love thee ; if otherwise, I feare not, deale by me, as thou wouldest have others doe to thy selfe : if the matter proove as pleasant, as the Subject is New, I doubt not thy approbation : 'tis one comfort, thou canst not say, I am the first Foole in Print, nor as I thinke, shall bee the last. Friends perswasions prevaile much, had they not, I had not showed myself in this kinde : I am in Presse, do not overpresse me with prejudicate Opinions. I desire thy smile, and benigne aspect ; yet feare not much thy frown. If thou sayest, 'tis idle, know it came not into the World to worke much. Like it and Love it if thou Please, leave it if thou wilt ; tis all I say, if thou Lovest mee, and my Childe, I Love thee, and

Thine as thou art mine. D. LUPTON.

[ p.262 ]

In Commendation of the Author TAKE in good part what here I offer, Tis my maiden loving proffer ; I wonder at thy strange device, That thus thou shouldst Charactize : And how alone that thou shouldst finde, These two new Subjects to thy minde. Brave Overbury, Earle, nay none Found out this Plot but thou alone. But most of all, I wonder yet, How in ten daies thou finish'd it, The Mirth, the Wit, the Stile, the phrase, All give thee a sufficient praise. Hee that thy Booke shall buy and read, Shall finde I've spoken truth indeed. Thine                        JOHN BARKER.

[ p.263 ]

To his loving friend, D. Lupton. FEARE not Momus, though hee Carpe, Nor Zoylus though hee snarle or Barke ; Mirth is the subject of thy Booke, Citty and Country here may looke, Wonder at thee, and praise thy paine, That labour'd hast Sans hope of gaine ; Thy Wit and Learning I Commend, To thee Applause, I freely lend : The wise will like, I wish the rest To spare their Censure, it is best : Theyle hurt themselves with their owne tong, Their Snarling can do thee no wrong. Per SAMUEL PERKINGS, Philomath.

[ p.265 ]

The Table.

OF London.         .           .	.	1.
The Tower.              .           .	.	2.
St. Paules Church.                .	.	3.
The Bridge.              .           .	.	4.
Of the Thames.       .           .	.	5.
Exchanges, Old and New.	.	6.
Cheapeside.             .           .	.	7.
Innes of Court, and Chancery.	.	8.
Smithfield.               .           .	.	9.
Bridewell.                .           .	.	10.
Ludgate and Counters.        .	.	11.
Newgate.                 .           .	.	12.
Turnebull-streete.                .	.	13.
Hounsditch and Long-lane.	.	14.
Charter-house.        .           .	.	15.
Christs-hospitall.     .           .	.	16.
Paris-Garden.          .           .	.	17.
Artillery Garden.                 .	.	18.
Bedlam.       .           .           .	.	19.
Play-houses.            .           .	.	20.
Fencing-Schooles.               .	.	21.
Dancing-Schooles.              .	.	22.
Fisher-woemen.      .           .	.	23.
Scavengers and Golde-finders.	.	24.

[ p.266 ]

The Table (continued).

OF the Countrey.            .	.	1.
Hospitality.             .           .	.	2.
Enclosures.             .           .	.	3.
Tenants by Lease.               .	.	4.
Tenants at will.       .           .	.	5.
Country Schoole masters.   .	.	6.
Country Ushers.      .           .	.	7.
Country Chaplaines.            .	.	8.
Ale-houses.             .           .	.	9.
Apparators.             .           .	.	10.
Constables.             .           .	.	11.
Currantoes or weekely Newes.	.	12.

[ p.267 ]  (image of page 267)

London and the Countrey

and

Quartred into severall Characters.

      SHE is growne so Great, I am almost affraide to meddle with Her ; She's certainely a great World, there are so many little worlds in Her : She is the great Bee-hive of Christendome, I am sure of England : Shee swarmes foure times in a yeare, with people of al Ages, Natures, Sexes, Callings : Decay of Trade, the Pestilence, and a long Vacation, are three scar-Crowes to her : Shee seemes to bee a Glutton, for shee desires alwayes to bee Full : she may pray for the Establishing of Churches, for at the first view, they are Her chiefest Grace : she seemes contrary to al other things, for the older she is, the newer and more beautifull. Her Citizens should love one another, for they are joyn'd together ; onely this seemes to make them differ ; they live one above another : most commonly he that is accounted richest lives worst. I am sure I may call her a gally- / p.268 / mophrey of al Sciences, Arts, and Trades. She may be sayd to bee alwayes with childe, for shee growes greater every day then other ; she is a Mother well stored with daughters, yet none equall to Her for Greatnesse, Beauty, wealth : She is somewhat politicke, or she inlarges her bounds exceedingly, in giving way to make Cities of Common Gardens : and it's thought her greatnes doth diminish her Beauty. Certainely shee is no Puritaine, for her buildings are now Conformitant ; nor shee is no Separatist, for they are united together : shee hath a very great desire tis thought to bee good, for she is alwayes mending : she may be called a great Book faire Printed, Cum Privilegio Regis : She is the Country-mans Laborinth, he can find many things in it, but many times looseth himselfe ; he thinkes Her to bee bigger then Heaven, for there are but 12. Cælestiall signes there, and he knowes them all very wel, but here are thousands that he wonders at : well, she is a glory to her Prince, a common gaine to her Inhabitants, a wonder to Strangers, an Head to the Kingdome, the nursery of Sciences, and I wish her to bee as Good as Great.

---

2.  The Tower.
      Fowre things make it to be remarkeable. Majesty, Antiquity, Scituation [lit.], Strength, an head fitting so great a body, a Royall residence hath graced it : it stands principally, now for Defence, Offence, and punishment of Offenders. / p.269 / Anger it, and you shall heare it thunder farther then you can see it. Time seemes to bee a little angry with her, for shee strive to ruine her beauty, were it not supported by the hand of Majesty. Gold and Silver the Marrow of our Land receive their alowed formes from hence. A Coronation day is bravely exemplified here. It is faithfull, for what is put in here is surely safe : they that are within need not much feare, for they are sure to be kept well, I cannot say, they shall presently bee forth comming. The men that keepe it are no sluggards, but are very ready, for they Watch and Ward continually. I wish it may be my prospective for pleasure, but not my abode by compulsion, I had rather bee an honest poore man without it, then otherwise never so Great, and Justly in it : I thinke it to be no Changling, for shee still keepes the old fashion. It may bee sayd to bee the Schoole of Morall Philosophy, for it civilizes Lyons and other Wild beasts : the Officers ought to bee faithfull Stewards, for they are much trusted, they had need be wise, for they doe not onely keepe themselves but others too. Those that are in it are reservd, still, and well stayed men : those that keepe it, are well payd, for it keepes them : Those that come to see it, rather admire at every thing then sleight any object. It is the publick Megazine for warlicke provision, it doth seeme terrible to those that doe offend her Prince, for her owne part she hath taken Allegiance, and with all Loyalty intends to keepe it. This Land hath affoorded this place many brethren, strong fortified Castles ; but through rebellion, through times malice, and the frownes of Princes, they cannot bee knowne / p.270 / almost but by their ruines, this kept her obedience to her Rulers, and so escaped as yet destruction. To conclude shee is the glory and strength both of City and Kingdome.

---

3.  Of S. Paules Church.
      Oh Domus Antiqua, a fit object for pitty, for Charity, further Reported of then knowne, it is a compleat Body, for it hath the three dimensions of Longitude, Latitude, and Profundity, and as an excellent Over-plus famous for height. It was a maine poynt of Wisedome to ground Her uppon Faith, for Shee is the more likely to stand sure : the great Crosse in the middle, certainly hath bin, and is yet ominous to this Churches Reparation. S. Paul called the Church, the pillar of Truth, and surely had they not beene sound, they had fallen before this time. The Head of this Church hath beene twice troubled with a burning Fever, and so the City to keep it from a third danger, let it stand without an head. I can but admire the Charity of former times, to Build such a famous temples, when as these Ages cannot finde Repaire to them, but then the World was all Church, and now the Church is all World : then Charity went before, and exceeded Preaching, now there is much Preaching, nay more then ever, yet lesse Charity ; our fore-Fathers advanc'd the Church and kept their Land : These times loose their Lands, and yet decay the Churches : I honor Antiquity so much the more, because it so much / p.271 / loved the Church. There is more Reason to suspect the precise Puritaine devoyd of Charity, then the simple Ignorant fraught with good Workes. I thinke truly in this one point, the ends of their Actions were for good, and what they aimed at was Gods glory, and their owne happines. They builded Temples, but our degenerating Age can say, Come, let us take them into our hands and possesse them : Amongst many others, this cannot be sayd to bee the Rarest, though the greatest. Puritaines are blowne out of the Church with the loud voice of the Organs, their zealous Spirits cannot indure the Musicke, nor the multitude of the Surplices ; because they are Relickes, (they say,) of Romes Superstition. Here is that famous place for Sermons, not by this Sect frequented, because of the Title, the Crosse. The middle Ile is much frequented at noone with a Company of Hungarians, not walking so much for Recreation, as neede ; (and if any of these meete with a yonker, that hath his pockets well lined with silver, they will relate to him the meaning of Tycho Brache, or the North-Star : and never leave flattring him in his own words and sticke as close to him, as a Bur uppon a Travailers Cloake ; and never leave him til he and they have saluted the greene Dragon, or the Swanne behind the Shambles, where I leave them.) Well, there is some hope of Restoring this Church to its former glory ; the great summes of money bequeathed, are some probabilities, and the charity of some good men already, in cloathing and Repayring the inside, is a great incouragement ; and there is a speech that the Houses that are about it, must be puld down, for Paules Church is old enough / p.272 / to stand alone. Here are prayers often, but sinister suspition doubts more formall then zealous ; they should not be worldly, because al Church-men ; there are none dumbe, for they can speake loud enough. I leave it and them, wishing all might be amended.

---

4.  The Bridge.
      It is almost Arts wonder, for strength, length, beauty, widenesse, height : It may be sayd to be Polypus, because it is so well furnished with legges : Every Mouth is foure times filled in eight and forty houres, and then as a child it is still, but as soone as they be empty, like a Lyon it roares, and is wondrous Impatient : It is made of Iron, Wood, and Stone, and therefore it is a wondrous hardy Fellow. It hath changd the forme, but as few doe now a dayes, from worse to better : certainely it is full of Patience, because it beares so much, and continually : It's no Prison, for any one goes through it : It is something addicted to pride, for many a Great man goes under it, and yet it seemes something humble too, for the poorest Peasant treads upon it : It hath more Wonders then Arches, the houses here built are wondrous strong, yet they neyther stand on Land or Water. It is some præjudice to the Water-mans gaines ; many goe over here, which otherwise should row or sayle : It helpes many a Pennilesse Purse to passe the water without danger or charges : nothing afrights it more, then Spring-tides or / p.273 / violent inundations : It is chargeable to keep, for it must be continually Repayred : it is the onely chiefe crosser of the water, his Arches out-face the water, and like Judges in the Parliament are plac'd upon woole sackes : one that lives heere neede not buy strong Water, for heere is enough for nothing : it seemes to hinder the Water-bearers profit, for the Inhabitants easily supply their Wants by Buckets : He is a setled fellow, and a maine upholder of houses ; hee is meanely plac'd, for there are diverse above him, and many under him, and his houses may wel bee called Nonesuch, for there is none like them, and to conclude, he pertakes of two Elements, his nether parts are all for Water, his upper for Land ; in a word, it is without Compare, being a dainty streete, and a strong and most stately Bridge.

---

5.  Thames.
      This is a long, broad, slippery Fellow ; Rest hee affects not, for he is alwaies in motion : he seemes something like a Carrier, for he is stil eyther going or comming, and once in sixe or eight houres, salutes the Sea his Mother, and then brings Tydings from her : He followes the disposition of the Wind, if that be Rough, so is the Water ; if that calme, so is this : and hee loves it, because when the Winde is at highest, then the Water will best show her strength and anger : it is altogether unsteedy, for it commonly is sliding away. Mans unconstant state, and Uncertayne / p.274 / frayle condition, is truely Resembled by this, alwayes either ebbing or flowing, being in a trice high and low : he will not be a Martyre, for he will turne, but never burne : Resolution is absolutely his Guide and Counsellour, for he will run his course : hee cannot be sayd to be a Wel or Spring without Water, for he is puteus in exhaustus. Merchandize hee likes and loves ; and therefore sends forth Ships of Trafficke to most parts of the Earth : his Subjects and Inhabitants live by oppresion like hard Land-lords at Land, the greater rule, and many times devoure the lesse : the City is wondrously beholden to it, for shee is furnished with almost all necessaries by it : He is wondrously crost, hee is the maintainer of a great company of Water-men ; he is a great Labour, for he works as much in the night as the day. Hee is led by an unconstant Guide, the Moone : he is cleane contrary to Smithfield, because that is all for Flesh, but this for Fish ; his inhabitants are different from those upon Land, for they are most without legges : Fisher-men seeme to offer him much wrong, for they rob him of many of his Subjects ; he is seldome without company, but in the night, or rough weather : He meets the Sun but followes the Moone : he seemes to complaine at the Bridge, because it hath intruded into his bowels, and that makes him Roare at that place : to speake truth of him, he is the priviledg'd place, for Fish and Shippes, the glory and wealth of the City, the high-way to the Sea, the bringer in of wealth and Strangers, and his busines is all for water, yet hee deales much with the Land too : he is a little Sea, and a great River.

/ p.275 /

6. Exchanges Old and New.

      The one of these came from Antwerpe, the other from a Stable ; the one was Dutch, yet made Denison ; the other was not so at the beginning, but did Exchange his name and nature. The Merchants are men generally of good habite, their words are usually better then their Consciences ; their Discourse ordinarily begins in Water, but ends in Wine : the frequenting of the Walkes twice a day, and a careles laughter, argues that they are sound : if they visit not once a day, tis suspected they are cracking, or broken : their Countenance is ordinarily shap'd by their successe at Sea, eyther Merry, sad, or desperat : they are like ships at sea, top and top gallant this day, to morrow sincking : the Sea is as a Tennis-court, their States are Bals, the Winde is the Racket, and doth strike many for lost under Line, and many in the hazard : They may seeme to bee acquainted with Athens, for they all desire Newes : Some of them do keepe two brittle Vessels, their Shippes and their Wives : the latter is lesse ballast, and that makes them so light : the Merchants Respect the former most, for if that sinke or be over-throwne, they fall, but the fall of the latter, is oftentimes the advancing of their heads : Conscience is sold here for nought, because it is as old Sermons, a dead Commodity : they will dissemble with, and cozen one another, though all the Kings that ever were since the Conquest, overlooked them. Here are usually more Coaches attendant, then at Church-doores : The Merchants should keepe their / p.276 / Wives from visiting the upper Roomes too often, least they tire they purses by attyring themselves. Rough Seas, Rockes, and Pyrats, treacherous Factors, and leaking ships affright them : they are strange polititians, for they bring Turkey and Spaine into London, and carry London thither. Ladies surely love them, for they have that which is good for them, Farre fetcht, and deare bought : they may proove stable men, but they must first leave the Exchange. It is a great House full of goods ; though it be almost in the middle of the Citty, yet it Stands by the Sea. There's many Gentle-women come hither, that to helpe their faces and Complexions, breakes their husbands backs, who play foule in the Countrey with their Land, to be faire ; and play false in the City : the place to conclude, is thought to bee a great Formalist, and an hazardable Temporizer, and is like a beautifull Woman, absolutely good, if not too common.

---

7.  Cheapeside.
      Tis thought the Way through this streete is not good, because so broad, and so many go in it ; yet though it be broad, it's very streight, because without any turnings : it is suspected here are not many sufficient able men, because they would sell all : and but little honesty, for they show all, and some think, more some time then their owne : they are very affable, for they'le speak to most that passe by : they care not how few bee in the streets, so their shops / p.277 / bee full : they that bring them money, seeme to bee used worst, for they are sure to pay soundly : their Bookes of accounts are not like to their estates : for the latter are best without, but the other with long crosses ; there are a great company of honest men in this place, if all bee gold that glisters : their parcell-gilt plate is thought to Resemble themselves, most of them have better faces, then hearts ; their monies and coines are used as prisoners at Sea, kept under hatches. One would thinke them to bee good men, for they deale with the purest and best mettals, and every one strives to work best, and stout too, for they get much by knocking, and especially by leaning on their Elbowes. Puritans doe hold it for a fine streete, but something addicted to Popery, for adorning the Crosse too much. The inhabitants seeme not to affect the Standard ; the Kings and Queenes would bee offended with, and punish them, knew they how these batter their faces on their coynes. Some of their Wives would bee ill prisoners, for they cannot indure to be shut up ; and as bad Nunnes, the life is so solitary : there are many vertuous and honest Women, some truly so, others are so for want of opportunity : they hold that a harsh place of Scripture, That women must be no goers or gadders abroad : in going to a lecture many use to visite a Tavern : the young attendant must want his eyes, and change his tongue, according as his mistresse shal direct, though many times they do mistake the place, yet they will remember the time an houre and halfe, to avoyd suspition. Some of the men are cunning Landerers of plate, and get much by washing that plate they handle, and it hath come from some / p.278 / of them, like a man from the Brokers that hath casheer'd his cloake, a great deale the lighter. Well, if all the men be Rich and true, and the women all faire and honest, then Cheapeside shall stand by Charing-Crosse for a wonder, and I will make no more Characters. But I proceede.

---

8.  Innes of Court, and Chancery.
      These were builded for Profit, Grace, Pleasure, Justice : the buildings grace the City, the Men grace the Buildings, Justice and Learning grace the Men : These places furnish our Land with Law : Here Nobility, Learning, Law, Gentrey, have their Residence ; here are Students and Professors ; here are Students that will not be Professors : here are Professors and Students : here are Professors yet not Students ; and here bee some that are neyther Students nor Professors : Many hold, that for an excellent Custome, in the Temple, immunity, from danger of Serjeants or such like proling Vermine. Some live here for profite, others for Grace, some for pleasure, some for all, yet most for profite and pleasure : They that meane to live by Law, desire not so much the Theory as the Practicke part : though many here follows the Law, yet all keep it not, but some transgresse : They are the Seminaries of Judgement and Justice ; hee that is most expert in the Law, is the most fitting for publicke imployment, and the Magistracy ; these cause Cæsar to have his due, and give the Subject his Right : that Land is likely / p.279 / to flourish where Religion and Justice are honour'd and practis'd : take away Justice, and Religion wil halt ; remoove Religion, and Justice will degenerate into tyranny ; let Moses and Aaron Rule, and our Israel will prosper : these places Moralize, Civilize the younger, advance the Learned : their Founders intended the stablishing of Peace, and confirming of Religion : many things that begin with blows, and would end in blood, are by these Professors mediated, and Christian agreement made ; their number, Unity, great imployment, makes them admired, to conclude, they are Rich Megazines for Law, store-houses for policy, Bulwarkes of Equity, let them ever flourish, as long as they are Deo, Regi, Patria ; for God, their King and Country.

---

9.  Smithfield.
      You may have a faire prospect of this square Fellow, as you passe from the streights of Pie-Corner ; this place is wel stored with good harbours for Passengers to put into for flesh and drinke, and fish it is admirable ; but fish harbour appeares now but two dayes in seaven above water : here thrice in a week one may see more beasts then men. Butchers that have money make this their Haven, or Rendevouz : Men that are downe-fled, and better fed then taught, may see many like themselves, boght here for the slaughter : Butchers surely cannot indure Cuckolds, because they kill so many horn'd beasts. Some I suppose, may bee sayd to buy / p.280 / themselves, such as trafficke for Calves : though the place be square, yet here is much cheating in it : here Land-pirates use to sel that which is none of their own : heere comes many Horses, (like Frenchmen) rotten in the joints, which by tricks are made to leape, though they can scarse go ; he that lights upon a Horse in this place, from an olde Horse-courser, sound both in wind and limbe, may light of an honest Wife in the Stews : here's many an olde Jade, that trots hard for't, that uses his legs sore against his will, for he had rather have a stable then a Market, or a Race : I am perswaded that this place was paved without the consent of the Horse-courses company : this place affords those leather blacke-coates, which run so fast uppon Wheeles, they shake many a young Heire out of his stocke and meanes : the men that live here, may be said to be wel fed, for here's meat enough ; this place showes what a Rich Countrey England is, and how well it breedes Beasts, a man that considers their number and greatnes, and how soone Consumed, may thinke there are a World of mouthes, or else that Englishmen are great eaters. Well, I will speake this of Smithfield, it is the greatest, fairest, richest, squarest market place of this great City or Kingdome.

/ p.281 /

10.  Bridewell.
      Here comes many that have beene at many a Dance, but never affected the Bride-Well : heere's a Pallace strangly Metamorphosed into a prison : in the outward Court were Carts not for the Husband-man, but for those that have used the unlawfull game of Venery : it seemes to be contrary to nature, to make those draw which were made to beare, a strange invention to have such a new punishment, for such an old sinne. Me thinkes the house complaines, Oh quam a dispari Domino : It may be sayd of it, that it hath beene Eminent, Great, and Majesticall, so much may bee sayde of it yet, that the Court is where it was : It should maintaine Vertue, for it punishes vice, they are severe Governors, for they are most upon correction : when men have here done their work, they are sure of their wages, a whip : they are temperate here, for they eate not over much ; for their drinke, if all were to follow their course, it would make Malt cheape, for it's water. It may be sayd of this, as of the Palatinate, would it was restor'd In statu quo prius : some say there are many idle persons in it ; strange ! yet work so hard : It's thought there's scarse a true fellow in it, for they all lye hard : there's none can say hee workes for nothing, for they are all sure of payment (the lash). It's the only Remembrancer of Ægypts slavery, they have taske-maisters to holde them to their worke : their whippemaister is like a Countrey Pedagouge, they many times whippe better, then himselfe, and both take a pride in their / p.282 / office, they inflict that uppon others, which they deserve themselves : they that come out of it neede not feare Purgatory, for it's thought to be a place of more ease. This is a two fold comfort unto them, that they may once come out, and then they can scarce light of an harder maister, or a worse service : they may be Papists, for they fast often, have their bodies afflicted, are shut up from the World, seeme wondrous penitent, onely they pray not so often. I leave the place, wishing they may come out, amend, and never more come into it.

---

11.  Ludgate and Counters.
      Ile joyne all these together, because their natures are not much different, some of the Officers make the places worse then they would be, if a man cannot by monies or good security pay his debts, yet hee may lye for them here ; the Prisoners are like Apprentices, desire hartily to bee Freemen : Certainly, they have beene men of great credite, for they have beene much trusted : they hate three persons, an extream Creditor, a cunning Lawyer, and a biting Serjeant : these three are all fishers of men, the Creditor ownes the Net, the Lawyer places and spreads it, the Serjeant hals and drawes it to a purse : the Serjeant seemes to bee most of trust, for hee hath the Whole businesse put into his hands, and if he can, concludes it : the Lawyer next to him, for hee / p.283 / is trusted with the Bonds : the Creditor himselfe is of least note, for he will not be seene in his owne busines : yet the Creditor is Lord of the Game, the Lawyer is his Hunsman, the Serjeant his blood Hound, the Yeoman his Beagle, and the Debtor is the wild Hare ; if hee be taken, most commonly hee is tamed in one of these Muses : a Serjeant is worst when most imploied, and a Lawyer when most trusted, the Creditor when without pitty, and the Debtor when prodigality and ill courses have procured this Cage. The Attourney and Serjeant may be termed Hangmen, they procure and serve so many Executions : These places are fullest when men break their bonds, and make forfeitures ; they may bee called Dens, the Serjeant Lyons, and the Debtor the Prey. It is an ancient Gate, yet not affected by Citizens, though a closet for safety. For the Counters, they teach wandring Nightingals the way unto their Nests, and learne them to sing the Counter-Tenor : the Counters seeme very courteous, for they will open almost at any houre in the night, they would not have men lye in the streets : wel, they are places that are too full, the more pitty that men eyther have not better Estates, Consciences, or manners, to pay their Debts, and live uprightly and orderly.

/ p.284 /

12.  Newgate.
      It may well answere to the name, and thanke the City for her care and charges : It is now well fac'd and headed, Charity helps much to a decayed Estate : but that Saint Pauls is a Church, and so to beare no anger or grudge, it would envy the prosperity of the Gates, and be angry with the Citizens for not thinking uppon her old age and poverty. Newgate is generally a place of safety, and few comes hither, but by merit : the captives are men that once would not, now must live within compasse, they should be men of worth, for the Keeper will not, dare not loose one of them. When they are forsaken every where, then this place takes them in, for feare their heeles should bee as quicke as their hands have beene : Hee layes them in irons, that he may be the surer of them : they are, or may be supposed to be sound men, for they seldome break out : as long as they stay heere, they cannot be sayd to bee unstayd fellowes or Vagrants, for they are sure of a place of stay : they are quicke-sighted, for they can see through iron grates : some of them seeme to be Eminent men, for they are highly advanced ; they are like Fish, have a long time nibled away the baite, but are now caught : Certainly they are no Libertines, and are convicted of Free-will : they are uncharitable, for they seldome love their Keeper ; they have the power of life and death in their owne hands, and put many to be prest to death. By seeking others goods they procur'd their owne hurt. They lived without any thought of Judgement, now it is the onely thing / p.285 / they feare : They hold a Triangle to be a dangerous Figure. Of all places they hold Holborne-hill an unfortunate place to ride up. It seemes they goe that way unwillingly, for they are drawne : They cannot misse their way to their Journeys end, they are so guarded and guided. Lice seeme to bee their most constant Companions, for they'le hang with them for company : It seemes these men were not made for Examples, for at their Confession they wish all men not to follow their courses : and most are easily perswaded, for ther's very few dare do as they have done. Well, I passe from them, thus much you may bee sure of, once a Moneth, you may heare, know, and see if you please ; whether they live or dye.

---

13.  Turnebull-streete.
      It is in an ill name, and therefore halfe-hang'd : here may bee some Probability of Honesty, little or no demonstration, especially a Priory. Heere are Lasses that seeme to hate Enclosures, for they would lay all open, they may seeme good Subjects, for they love standing or lying for the Common : They held it was a good Age, when Woemen practis'd Astronomy. They seeme to bee Puritans, for they love private Conventicles : They are not altogether unpractis'd in the Law, for they know and love Feelings : The Aspect here is the Conjunction, and they hold a noune Substantive, a Preposition, an Interjection and Conjunction / p.286 / the best parts of speech. They have learn'd thus far in their Accidences, that femina ludificantur viros. They seeme to bee no whit addicted to pride, for they desire to be below : they love not Lent, because they delight more in flesh : they seeme to bee well-wishers to Lawyers, and to the Citie, for they love Terme-times, and pray against the decay of trading. Their chiefest desire is to bee well mann'd, they keepe open houses : It is hazardable to trust them because they are much addicted to Lying : They affect a Cannoneire well, because hee will force a breach, and enter the passage. They love not to wrastle [lit.], they had rather take a fall, then give one. When this Streete was builded, surely Mars and Venus were in a Conjunction. Here are very few men, but they are well arm'd : Nay the Woemen have received presse-money, and have performed the Service : woemen though the colder vessels by Nature, yet these are the hotter by Art : they may bee thought to be great Schollers, for they pertake of all the liberall Sciences, for Grammar they know the Syntaxis, and the Figure cal'd Apollo P. For Logicke they have skill in the Ante-prædicaments and the Fallacies ; for Musicke they are not affected with Unisons, but are skilfull in Chrochets [lit.] and quavers, and love Elah, because the highest Note, and makes them squeake : for Retoricke, they know the Metonomia adjuncti, and Apostrophe ; for Arethmeticke, they love addition, and devision ; for Astronomy, they know the motion of Venus, and are observers of Mars ; for their skil in Geography, they know the Tropickes and the Torrid Zone, and so being thus experienc'd in these Sciences, they are much frequented and sought too. / p.287 / I wish all in this Streete to take heed of their Cellars, least they fire first, and to lay their Trading downe, or else it will lay them downe.

---

14.  Hounsditch and Long-lane.
      These two are twinnes they have both set to one Profession ; they will buy a mans Suite out of his hands, but it shal be hang'd or prest for't. A man that comes here as a stranger would think that there had beene some great death of men and woemen, here abouts he sees so many suites and no men for them. Here are Suites enough for all the Lawyers in London to deale withall : the Inhabitants are men of many outsides, their faults are not seene easily, because they have so many cloakes for them : they should be well affected to the Romane Church, for they keepe, and lay up old Reliques : they are beholden to the Hangman, for he furnishes their Shops : And most of their Creditors wish that they may furnish his three corner'd shop, which often comes to passe ; and as many say, the oftner the better : Broke-Currs they are in two respects, most of them were broke before they set up, and Currs for biting so sore ever since they set up : his shop is a Hell, he the Divell in't, and torments poore soules : the Jayler and Broker are Birds of a Feather, the one Imprisons the Body, the other the Cloaths, both make men pay deare for their lodging : The Broker seemes somwhat the kinder, for he layes the cloaths / p.288 / in Lavender : he is much of a Serving mans nature, lives much upon the Reversion of cast cloathes : the Serving-man hath them the cheaper, but the other keepes them the better, they many times do make a bargaine : Hee loves those birds best, that oftnest cast their Feathers : to conclude, he is no Tradsman, if the whole bunch of them be weighed, you shal not scarse finde a dramme of honesty, for a pound of craft.

---

15.  Charter-house.
      This place is well described by three thinges, Magnificence, Munificence, and Religious government : Magnificence is the Terminus a quo, good Orders the Terminus mediari, Munificence and Charity the Terminus ad quem : the first showes the wealth of both Founder and Establisher : the second showes the meanes to make the good thing done, durable : the third demonstrates his intent that thus Establisht it : had it beene great without good government, it had long ere this time come to ruine : or had it bin great and yet devoyd of Charity, it would have bin laught at and derided ; but now Charity showes it is well governed, and the good Government keepes it firme, and makes it famous : Souldiers and Schollers, I thinke, beginne their love here, that they continue hereafter firme and solide, by living together ; callings both honorable, and here bountifully maintayned : It is a Reliefe for decaied Gentlemen, old Souldiers, and / p.289 / auncient Serving-men : tis to bee pittied, that such Religious, Charitable houses, increase not in number : this one place hath sent many a famous member to the Universities, and not a few to the Warres : I will not censure as some do, that many places are heere sold for monies, nay the reversions also : Ile rather exhort the Governors to discharge a good conscience, (and not to suffer their men, or any other whom they affect, to get thirty or forty pounds for the promise of the next vacant place for a youth to come in,) and to observe their first Institutions ; and those that so suppose, I wish them that they speake not that with their mouthes, which they know not in their hearts. The deede of this man that so ordered this House, is much spoken of, and commended : but there's none (except onley one, Syon Colledg nere Criplegate), that as yet, hath eyther striven to equall or imitate that, and I feare never will : there's many that will not doe any such good Workes, and give out that they smell something of Popery, and therefore not to be imitated well, I durst warrant thus much, let the Over-seers live Religiously, governe Civily, avoid Bribery, keep their Cannons directly, and this House shall stand to upbraid this Iron Age, and see many brought to beggery for prodigality, when they shall be satisfied, and have enough : Well, this is my opinion of it, that the Founder is happy, and so are all his Children that live here ; if they degenerate not, and turne from fearing God, obeying their Prince, and from living in love amongst themselves.

/ p.290 /

16.  Christs-hospitall.
      The former place and this are much of one nature, yet some difference there is ; Charter-house is the younger for time, but exceedes for revenews : It was erected by one, this by many Citizens, Christs-hospitall is principally for Childrens education, that are fatherlesse and motherlesse, the other for Mens and Childrens too. The former is for any, as well as Citizens, the latter not, that onely, it is for children ; seemes to be conformable to Christs will, Suffer little Children to come unto mee : None that are in this place can be sayd to bee without portions, for they have Education : the Cities Charity is the lesse, for shee Relieves but her owne. It's a good means to empty their streetes of young beggars, and fatherlesse Children : She doth no more then the Lawes of the Land seeme to enjoyne, to keepe those that were borne within her : it's a good policy to put them young to this place, because they may learne Vertue before Vice : And ordinarily, if youth be wel seasoned, it is the more hopefull to be good in age. The City doth deserve very great commendation for this action, because it's rare to see so great a Company joyne together, for the good of the poore, and last out. You may easily know the Children that belong unto this place, by their Azure liveries, and their Sable head-peeces : This House may be termed the Childrens Commonwealth, and to speak truth, it's well governed by good Lawes, I wish the City not to be proud for / p.291 / her Charity, nor to be weary of wel doing ; and the Hospitall to remember their Benefactors, and the Children to live and learne well, for feare of Correction.

---

17.  Paris-Garden.
      This may better bee termed a foule Denne then a faire Garden. It's pitty so good a piece of ground is no better imploied : Heere are cruell Beasts in it, and as badly us'd ; heere are foule beasts come to it, and as bad or worse keepe it, they are fitter for a Wildernesse then a City : idle base persons (most commonly) that want imployment, or else will not be otherwise imploy'd, frequent this place ; and that money which was got basely here, to maintaine as bad as themselves, or spent lewdly ; here come few that either regard their credit, or losse of time : the swaggering Roarer, the cunning Cheater, the rotten Bawd, the swearing Drunkard, and the bloudy Butcher have their Rendevouz here, and are of chiefe place and respect. There are as many civil religious men here, as thei're [lit.] Saints in Hell. Here these are made to fight by Art, which would agree by Nature : They thrive most when the poore beasts fight oftenest : their imployment is all upon quarrels as unlawfull, as unseemely, they cause the Beasts first to fight, and then they put in first to part them : It's pitty such beastly Fellowes should bee so well maintain'd, they torment poore creatures, and make a gaines and game of it. / p.292 / The Beasts come forth with as ill a will, as Beares to the stake. A Beare-ward and an Atturney are not much unlike, the Atturney seemes the more cruell, for these baite but Beasts ; but these men, their Clients : The Beareward strives to recover the hurts of his Beasts, but the Atturney regards not the dammages of any, and they both follow the Trade for profit. Well, I leave the place, and when I intend to spend an houre, or two, to see an Asse and an Ape, to losse and charges, I may perhaps come hither : But as long as I can have any imployment elsewhere, I will not come to see such a great Company so ill occupied, in so bad a place.

---

18.  Artillery.
      This place is the Cities Campe, and Mars his Schoole : Here are foure brave Flowers in this Garden, Manhood, Courage, Activity, Armes. The use and expert skill of Warre may be seene here in peace : Decency, Nimblenesse, Skill, Uniforme order, and Experience, the fine qualifications gracing Military Discipline, are usually here to be view'd. In their exercising how many little bodies may you see, that by their proportionable motion make a great body ? and that suddenly alterede into any Forme : Here are brave Martiall Blades, that at three words, and three motions will give fire : here are more armes then heads or feete : Yet when one moves, like Wheeles in a Jacke they all move. / p.293 / They are men that must not encroach into one anothers ground, but as they are commanders, so they must keep distance ; and they seeme not affect Confusions, for they all strive to keepe order : 'tis no marvell why Souldiers desire so to fight, for they are alwayes in Divisions. You may know by their Marchinge where ever either the best Gentleman, or the ancienest Souldier is plac'd, for hee is ever in the Right before, or Left behinde : They are strange men, for in tenne yards space of ground they can all turne their faces about : there's thought to bee no steadineese in them, for like Fortunes wheele, they many times suddenly alter and turne : they are generally men of good Order and Ranke, they then are at compleatest view, when their length and breadth agree, ten every way. They are most dislik'd, when they are either out, or off their Files. They use to put their worst Peices in the middest. They seeme to bee suddenly angry, for one word moves them all. Obedience and Silence they must practise, to doe as they are commanded, and to harken unto their charge. A good Souldier must be like a true Maide, seene but not heard : Hee's more for actions then words. The City did well to provide Mars a Garden, as well as Venus an House. No question, but when these meete, they will be at push of Pike, and often discharge. Before I leave this honourable place, I may speake this of it : that's excellent the oftner us'd, the best when 'tis fullest, and most Eminent Wisedome, Courage, Experience, Policy, bee the foure Coronels ; and the foure Regiments consist of Patience, Obedience, Valour, and Constancy ; and their Colours Deo, Regi, Gregi, Legi, / p.294 / for God, their King, Law, and Countrey, flourishing all in the field of Honor and Victory.

---

19.  Bedlam.
      Heere live many, that are cal'd men, but seldome at home, for they are gone out of themselves : Nature hath bin a Steppe-mother to some, and misery and crosses have caused this strange change in others : they seeme to live here, eyther to rectifie Nature, or forget Miseries : they are put to Learne that Lesson which many, nay all that will bee happy, must learne to know, and be acquainted with themselves : this House would bee too little, if all that are beside themselves should be put in here : it seemes strange that any one shold recover here, the cryings, screechings, roarings, brawlings, shaking of chaines, swearings, frettings, chaffings, are so many, so hideous, so great, that they are more able to drive a man that hath his witts, rather out of them, then to helpe one that never had them, or hath lost them, to finde them againe. A Drunkard is madde for the present, but a Madde man is drunke alwayes. You shall scarce finde a place that hath so many men and woemen so strangely altered either from what they once were, or should have beene : The men are al like a Shippe that either wants a Sterne, or a Steresman, or Ballast : they are all Heteroclites from Nature, either having too much Wildnesse, or being defective in Judgment. Here Art strives to mend or cure / p.295 / Natures imperfections and defects. Certainely, hee that keepes the House may be sayd to live among wilde Creatures : It's thought many are kept here, not so much in hope of recovery, as to keepe them from further and more desperate Inconveniences. Their Faculties and Powers of their Soules and Bodies being by an ill cause vitiated and depraved, or defective. The men may be said to be faire Instruments of Musicke, but either they want strings, or else though beeing strung are out of tune, or otherwise want an expert Artist to order them : Many live here that know not where they are, or how they got in, never thinke of getting out : there's many that are so well or ill in their wits, that they can say they have bin out of them, and gaine much by dissembling in this kind : desperate Caitifes that dare make a mocke of judgment : well, if the Divell was not so strong to delude, and men so easily to be drawne, this house would stand empty, and for my part, I am sorry it hath any in it.

---

20.  Play-houses.
      Time, Place, Subject, Actors, and Cloathes, either make or marr a play : the Prologue and Epilogue are like to an Host and Hostesse, one bidding their Guests welcome, the other bidding them farwell : the Actors are like Servingmen, that bring in the Sceanes and Acts as their Meate, which are lik'd or dislik'd, according to every mans judgment, / p.296 / the neatest drest, and fairest delivered, doth please most. They are as crafty with an old play, as Bauds with olde faces ; the one puts one a new fresh colour, the other a new face and Name : they practise a strange Order, for most commonly the wisest man is the Foole : They are much beholden to Schollers that are out of meanes, for they sell them ware the cheapest : they have no great reason to love Puritans, for they hold their Calling unlawfull. New Playes and new Cloathes, many times help bad actions : they pray the Company that's in, to heare them patiently, yet they would not suffer them to come in without payment : they say as Schollers now use to say, there are so many, that one Fox could find in his heart to eate his fellow : A player often changes, now he acts a Monarch, to morrow a Beggar : now a Souldier, next a Taylor : their speech is loud, but never extempore, he seldome speaks his own minde, or in his own name : when men are heere, and when at Church, they are of contrary mindes, there they thinke the time too long, but heere too short : most commonly when the play is done, you shal have a Jigge or dance of all trads, they mean to put their legs to it, as well as their tongs : they make men wonder when they have done, for they all clappe their hands. Sometimes they flye into the Countrey ; but tis a suspicion, that they are either poore, or want cloaths, or else Company, or a new Play : Or do as some wandring Sermonists, make one Sermon travaile and serve twenty Churches. All their care is to be like Apes, to immitate and expresse other mens actions in their own persons : they love not the company of Geese or Serpents, because of their / p.297 / hissing : they are many times lowzy, it's strange, and yet shift so often : As an Ale-house in the Country is beholden to a wilde Schoolemaster, so an whoore-house to some of these, for they both spend all they get. Well, I like them well, if when they Act vice, they will leave it, and when vertue, they will follow. I speake no more of them, but when I please, I will come and see them.

---

21.  Fencing-Schooles.
      Heere's many a man comes hither, which had rather work then play, though very few can hit these men, yet any one may know where to have them, upon his guard : his Schollers seeme to bee strangely taught, for they do nothing but play ; his care seemes to be good, for he learnes men to keepe their bodies in safety. Usually they that set up this Science have been some Low-countrey Souldier, who to keep himselfe honest from further inconveniences, as also to maintayne himselfe, thought upon this course, and practise it : the worst part of his Science is, hee learnes men to falsifie : hee is glad to see any Novice that reads his Orders with his hat on, for then he hopes for a forfeiture ; there are many blows given and taken, yet little or no blood spilt, the more he beates, the better man he is held to be, he will make many daunce about his Schoole, as a Beare about a stake. A little touch upon your elbow, is commonly his first acquaintance and salutation : he hath his Discourse ordinarily / p.298 / of single Combates, and then will show you his Wounds, and cause you to heare his oaths which are his familiar Retoricke : He is for the most part a potter and piper, and if he be well in age or not, you may know by the sanguine complexion of his nose, and the number of pearles that are usually about it, accompanied with Rubies and Saphires, show that hee is some Jeweller. His Schoole is an introduction to blowes, and hee makes many mans head to bee the pillow of his Cudgell : one must not trust to his lookes, for he lookes at one place, and strikes at another ; you must bee sure to keepe him off, for hee is most dangerous when neerest to you : hee seldome strikes downe right, but either backe-wards or for-wards : He that loves fighting in earnest, let him goe to the Wars : he that loves to fight in jest, let him come hither.

---

22.  Dancing-schooles.
      They seeme to be places Consecrated, for they that use to practise heere, put off their shoes, and dance single-sol'd ; they are not exceeding men, for they teach and delight in Measures : they seeme to be men of spare dyet, for they live upon Capers : their trade is not chargeable to beginne withal, for one treble violl sets it up : they should bee good players at Cards, for they teach men to Cut and shuffle wel : their schollers armes are like pinion'd Prisoners, not to reach too or above their heads : their heeles seem to / p.299 / hinder their preferment, and that makes them to rise uppon their toes : whatsoever their actions bee, they must carry their bodies upright : The Schollers are like Courtiers, full of Cringes : And their Master seemes to bee a man of great Respect, for they all salute him with hat in hand, and knees to the ground : the number of five is the dauncing A, B, C, both Maister and Schollers seeme to love Newes, for they both consist much of Currantoes : their eyes must not see what their feet do, they must when they Daunce, bee like men that have the French disease, stiffe in the Hammes ; they are guided by the Musicke, and therefore should be merry men. What they may seeme to intend, is that they hope to dance before Gentlewomen : But in the next Jigge you shall bee sure to have them turne like Globes all round. They like a Fiddle better then a Drumme, and hold Venus to bee a more auspicious Planet then Mars. When they are in the Schooles they are Antickes, when they are out, I thinke you will judge as I doe, they love the Fæminine gender more then the Masculine : Generally, these Schooles learne men to begin merrily, leave off sighing, and therefore they are players of Tragedies, not Comedies ; I thinke hee that seldome dances, lives well ; but he that never, lives best. When I intend to shew my bodies strength, and my mindes weakenesse, I will bee one of their Proficients : I had rather have my body not dance here, for feare my Soule should not like the Musicke : Give me that place where all is Musicke, but no Dancing.

/ p.300 /

23.  Fisher-woemen.
      These Crying, Wandring, and Travailing Creatures carry their shops on their heads, and their Store-house is ordinarily Bilings gate or the Bridge-foote, and their habitation Turnagaine-lane, they set up every morning their Trade afresh. They are easily set up and furnish't, get something, and spend it Jovially and merrily : Five shillings a Basket, and a good cry, is a large stocke for one of them. They are merriest when all their Ware is gone : in the morning they delight to have their shop ful, at Even they desire to have it empty : their Shoppe's but little, some two yards compasse, yet it holds all sorts of Fish, or Hearbs, or Roots, Strawberries, Apples, or Plums, Cowcumbers, and such like ware : Nay, it is not destitute some times of Nutts, and Orenges, and Lemmons. They are free in all places, and pay nothing for shop-rent, but onely finde repaires to it. If they drinke out their whole Stocke, it's but pawning a Petticoate in Long-lane, or themselves in Turnebull-streete for to set up againe. They change every day almost, for Shee that was this day for Fish, may bee to morrow for Fruit ; next day for Hearbs, another for Roots : so that you must heare them cry before you know what they are furnisht withall, when they have done their Faire, they meet in mirth, singing, dancing, and in the middle as a Parenthesis, they use scolding, but they doe use to take and put up words, and end not till either their money or wit, or credit bee cleane spent out. / p.301 / Well, when in an evening they are not merry in a drinking-house, it is suspected they have had bad returne, or else have payd some old score, or else they are banke-rupts : they are creatures soone up, and soone downe.

---

24.  Scavengers and Gold-finders.
      These two keepe al clean, the one the streetes, the other the backe-sides, but they are seldom clean themselves, the one like the hangman doth his worke all by day, the other like a theife, doeth their's in the night : the Gold-finders hold the sense of smelling the least of use, and do not much care for touching the businesse they have in hand, they both carry their burdens out into the fieldes, yet sometimes the Thames carries away their loads : they are something like the Trade of the Barbers, for both doe rid away superfluous excrements. The Barbers profession is held chiefe, because that deales with the head and face, but these with the excrements of the posteriorums. The Barbers trade and these have both very strong smels, but the Gold-finders is the greatest for strength, the others is safest and sweetest : the Barber useth washing when hee hath done, to cleanse all, and so do these : the Barber useth a looking glass, that men may see how he hath done his work, and these use a candle : they are all necessary in the City : as our faces would bee foule without the Barber, / p.302 / so our streets without the Scavenger, and our back-sides with out the Gold-finder : The Scavenger seemes not to be so great an Officer, as the Gold-finder, for he deales with the excrements chiefly of Beasts, but this latter of his owne Species : well, had they beene sweeter fellowes I would have stood longer on them, but they may answer, they keepe all cleane, and do that worke which scarse any one but themselves would meddle withall.

[ p.303 ]  (image of page 303)

The  Countrey  Carbonadoed

and

Quartred into Characters.

1.  Of the Countrey.

      THIS is the Circumference of London : It is the Embleme of the City in Folio, and the City of it in Decimo-sexto : the Country justifies that Verse to be true, that Anglia, Mons, Pons, Fons, Ecclesia, Famina, Luna. It doth now of late begin to complaine that the Citty offers her wrong in harboring her chiefe members of Nobility, and Gentry : her Gentry for the most part of late are growne wondrously undutifull that will scarse otherwise then upon compulsion, come and live with their mother and maintayner : Shee allowes these more meanes a great deale, then shee did their Grandfathers ; yet these young Storkes flye from her ; the other alwayes liv'd with her, and lov'd her : she doth much suspect their Faith and Love towards her, because she being as beautifull, as bountifull as healthy, and as rich, as ever, should be thus sleighted of her yonger sonnes, yet / p.304 / three times or foure in a yeare, perhaps they will vouchsafe their mother their presence, but it is to be suspected, that either a publicke proclamation, or a violent plague, or to gather up their racke-rents moove them from the City, or else the pleasure of Hawkin and Hunting, or perhaps it is to show his new Madame some pritty London bird, the credit of his fathers house, but his owne discredite to let it stand for Jack-daws to domineere in ; well, this Country is the Map of the world, the beauty of Lands, and may wel be cal'd the rich Dyamond glorious Plac'd, it may be emblem'd by these 9. particulars, a faire great Church, a learned Colledge, a strong rich ship, a beautifull Woman, a golden fleece, a delightful spring, a great mountaine, a faire bridge, and a goodly man, to conclude, it is the life of the City, and the store-house of al Christendome, for Peace, War, Wealth, or Religion : they that will know more, must eyther travayle to see, or reade the description of it by Geographers.

---

2.  Hospitality.
      This true noble hearted fellow is to be dignified and honor'd, wheresoever he keeps house : It's thought that pride, puritans, coaches and covetousnesse hath caused him to leave our Land : there are sixe upstart tricks come up in great Houses of late which he cannot brook Peeping windowes for the Ladies to view what doings there are in the / p.305 / Hall, a Buttry hatch that's kept lockt, cleane Tables, and a French Cooke in the Kitching, a Porter that lockes the gates in dinner time, the decay of Blacke-jackes in the Cellar, and blew coates in the Hall : he alwayes kept his greatnesse by his Charity : he loved three things, an open Cellar, a full Hall, and a sweating Cooke : he alwayes provided for three dinners, one for himselfe, another for his Servants, the third for the poore : any one may know where hee kept house, other by the Chimnies smoak, by the freedom at gate, by want of whirligige Jackes in the Kitchin, by the fire in the Hall, or by the full furnish'd tables : he affects not London, Lent, Lackaies, or Bailifes, there are foure sorts that pray for him, the poore, the passenger, his Tenants, and Servants : hee is one that will not hourd up all, nor lavishly spend all, he neyther rackes nor rakes his Neighbours, they are sure of his Company at Church, as wel as at home, and gives his bounty as wel to the Preacher, as to others whom hee loves for his good life and doctrine : hee had his wine came to him by full Buts, but this Age keepes her Wine-Celler in little bottles. Lusty able men well maintayned were his delight, with whom he would be familiar : his Tenants knew when they saw him, for he kept the olde fashion, good, commendable, plaine : the poore about him wore uppon their backes ; but now since his death, Land-lords weare and wast their Tenants uppon their backes in French, or Spanish fashions. Well, wee can say that once such a charitable Practitioner there was, but now hee's dead, to the griefe of all England : And tis shroudly suspected that hee will never rise againe in our Climate.

/ p.306 /

3.  Enclosures.
      The Land-lords that inclose their Villages, are affraid that either the Towne, or the Land would runne away, or rebell against them. Therefore they beleaguer it with deep Trenches and Thorn-roots for Pallizadoes : they could not make their Trenches so easily, if all were true within : But the person he is like a false Canoniere, that came by his place by Simoniacke meanes, and perhaps is sworne, either not to molest the enemie at all : or else if hee doth give fire, either to shoote over, or short, or upon the side, never direct : or else he is poore, covetous, hopes to have some crackt chamber-mayde, or some by preferment, and so gives leave to the exacting Landlord to doe as hee pleases. In this businesse the Landlord he is as Lord-general, the Person is as his Horse that he rides, galls, spurres on, and curvetts with as he pleases : turnes him and rules him any way, by a golden Bit, a strong hand, and ticking Spurres. The Bayliffe is his Intelligencer, which if hee was either strapt, or hang'd outright it was no great matter for his newes. The Surveyor is his Quarter-master, which goes like a Beare with a Chaine at his side, his two or three of the Parishioners, who walke with him, and helpe him to undoe themselves. The poore of the Parish and other places are his chiefe Pioneres, who like mouldy Worps cast up earth ; the Parish hee eyther winnes by Composition, or famishes by length of time, or batters downe by force / p.307 / of his lawlesse Engines : Most of the Inhabitants are miserably pillaged and undone, he loves to see the bounds of his boundlesse desires ; hee is like the Divell, for they both compasse the earth about : Enclosures make fat Beasts, and leane poore people ; there are three annoyancers of his Flocke, the Scab, Thieves, and a long Rotte : Husband-men hee loves not, for he maintaines a few shepheards with their Curres. Hee holds those that plough the land cruell oppressors, for they wound it hee thinkes too much, and therefore he intends to lay it downe to rest : Well, this I say of him, that when he keepes a good house constantly, surely the World will not last long : There's many one that prayes for the end of the one, and I wish it may bee so.

---

4.  Tenants by Lease.
      There compasse ordinarily is three Prentishippes in length, one and twenty yeares. Once in halfe a yeare they must bee sure to prepare for payment. New-yeares day must not passe over without a presentation of a gift : If the Land-lord bee either rich, good, religious, or charitable, hee feasts their bodies ere Christmas runne away. If they see the Ladies or Gentlewomen, or my Ladies Parrat, Babone, or Monkey, you may know what their talke is of with wonder when they come home againe : many fill their Tenants bodies once, but empty their purses all the yeare long. They take it for / p.308 / no small grace, when the Groome, or the Under-cooke, or some such great Officer convay them to the Buttery to drinke, they have done Knights service, if they have drunke to the uppermost Gentlewoman : And it's a marvaile if they stand not up to performe this point of service, or else blush a quarter of an houre after ; they seeme merry, for most eate simpering : They dare not dislike any meate, nor scarce venter upon a dish that hath not lost the best face or piece before it come thither, many of them Suppe better at home, then they Dine here : It's their owne folly. Hee seemes to bee a Courtier compleate, that hath the witte or the face to call for Beere at the Table : their Land-lord fetches their Charges out of them ere halfe the yeare passe, by getting them to fetch Coale, Wood, or Stone, or other burthens to his House. The Land-lord, Bayly, and other Informers are so cunning, that the Tenants shall but live to keep Life and Soule together, if through Poverty and hard Rents they forfeit not their Leases. You may know where they live ordinarily, for Leases runne now with this clause usually in them, they must not let or sell away their right to another. Well, he that hath a good Land-lord, a firme Lease, and good ground, prayes for his owne life, and Land-lords ; and wishes hee had had a longer time in his Lease.

/ p.309 /

5.  Tenants at will.
      These are Continuers onely upon their Maisters pleasure, their owne behaviour, or ability. They are men that will take short warning a quarter of a yeare, they are like Curats in the Countrey that stand at the old Parsons Liberum arbitrium. They must study how to please before they speake ; when they are discharged, they are like Souldiers casheir'd, both want a place of stay or preferment, as they depart suddenly, so they are sure to pay extremly : they are not unlike courtiers, for they often change places : their Land-Lords love to bee uppon a sure ground with them, for usually they'le have their Rents before hand if they come not to bee censured for inmates they may abide the longer, they must alwaies bring security where they intend to stay : London is one of the freest places for their aboad, without questioning them what they are, for if they pay for their lodging and other charges, they neede not remoove : they are like unto Servants gone uppon a discharge, and they should reckon their places of abode, no heritage : If they be imploy'd in worke, and if they will stay at it, they are then most likely to hold their house the longer : they are a degre above a beggar, and one under a Tenant by Lease : many of them will not stay too long in a place, lest they should being ill, be too wel known : uppon their journies many proove true Carriers, for they beare their goods, Children and some houshold stuffe : wel, they are Tenants at wil, but whither good or bad, you that would know must aske their Land-lord / p.310 / or them. I wish that yet they may come to be Snailes, have an house of their owne, over their heads. Winter's the worst quarter to them to shift in.

---

6.  Countrey Schoole-maisters.
      If they be well Gound and Bearded, they have two good Apologies ready made ; but they are beholden to the Taylor and Barber for both : if they can provide for two pottles of Wine against the next Lecture-day, the Schoole being voyde, there are great hopes of preferment : if he gets the place, his care next must be for the demeanure of his Countenance ; hee lookes over his Schollers with as great and grave a countenance, (as the Emperour over his Army :) He wil not at first be over-busie to examine his Usher, for feare hee should proove as many Curats, better Schollers then the chiefe master. As he sits in his seate, hee must with a grace turne his Muchatoes up ; his Scepter lyes not farre from him, the Rod : He uses Marshall law most, and the day of execution ordinarily is the Friday : at sixe a clocke his army all beginne to march ; at eleaven they keepe Rendevouz, and at five or sixe at night, they take up their quarters : There are many set in Authority to teach youth, which never had much learning themselves ; therefore if hee cannot teach them, yet his lookes and correction shal affright them : But there are some who deserve the place by their / p.311 / worth, and wisdome, who stayd with their Mother the University, untill Learning, Discretion, and Judgement had ripened them, for the well managing of a Schoole : these I love, respect, and wish that they may have good means eyther here, or somewhere else : These come from the Sea of Learning, well furnished with rich prizes of Knowledge, and excellent qualities, ballasted they are wel with gravity and judgement, well ster'd by Religion and a good conscience ; and these abilities make them the onely fit men to governe and instruct tender age ; he learnes the Cradle to speak several languages and fits them for places of publicke note : being thus qualified, 'tis pitty hee should eyther want meanes or imployment.

---

7.  Country Ushers.
      They are under the Head-maister, equall with the chiefe Schollers, and above the lesser boyes : hee is likely to stay two yeares before hee can furnish himselfe with a good cloake : They are like unto Lapwings run away from the University, their Nest, with their shels on their heads. Metriculation was an hard terme for him to understand : and if he proceeded it was in Tenebris : the Chancellors Seale and Lycense for the place, is a great grace to him : At a Sermon you shall see him writing, but if the division of the Text be expressed in Latine termes, then hee could not eyther heare, or not understand, and so oftentimes looses / p.312 / the division of the Text : it's no small credite for him to sit at the neather end of the Table with the Ministers ; he seldome speaks there amongst them, unlesse like a novice he be first asked, and then hee expresses his weaknesse boldly : he goes very far, if he dare stay to drinke a cup of Ale when one houre is past : His discourse ordinarily is of his exployts when he went to Schoole : hee hath learn'd enough in the University, if hee knowes the Figures, and can Repeate the Logicall Moods : usually he makes his Sillogismes in Baralipton, if hee can make any : Hee holds Greeke for a Heathen language, and therefore never intends to learne it : for Latine, his blacke cloathes are sufficient proofes to the Country-fellowes, that he is wel furnisht : For Hebrew it would pose him hard to make a difference in writing betwixt Hebræus and Ebrius ; in a word, he is but a great Schoole boy with a little Beard and blacke-cloathes, and knowes better how to whippe a Scholler then learne him : if hee had beene fit for any thing in the University, hee had not left her so soone : Yet I confesse there are some that deserve better preferment then this, yet accept of it ; but its pitty that Virtue and Learning are so slightly regarded, and that so rich a jewell should bee no better plac'd.

/ p.313 /

8.  Country Chaplaines.
      They must do as Mary-golds, immitate their Master, as these do the Sun : they are men of Grace before and after Dinner and Supper ; they are men that seeme desirous of preferment, for they rise before their Lord and Maister : their habite is neate, cleanly, if not too curious its wel. In a well govern'd house, they performe praier twice a day, to be commended for, because it showes and teaches Zeale, Godlinesse. Their Sermons are not long, but generally good and pithy ; their Lords respect and favour, makes the Servants to respect and love them ; grave modesty and Learning, with an affable carriage, winnes them regard and Reverence : the more private their persons be, the more publicke their prayse : Their Studies generally are their best Closets, and their Books their best Counsellors : Such as these deserve to bee made of ; but there are others of the same profession, yet much different in Nature, who strive to satisfie and please, even by smothering, counterfetting, or immitating their Maisters faults, and love the strong Beere Cellar, or a Wine-taverne more then their Studies : whose ambition is to bee conversant with the Gentlewoemen, and now and then to let an oath slippe with a grace ; whose acquaintance and familiarity is most with the Butler, and their care to slippe to an Ale-house unseene, with the Servants. Their allowance is good if it bee 20. Marke, and their Dyet. If they bee Married they must be more obsequious and industrious to please, if they come single, / p.314 / it's a thousand to one but they will either bee in Love or Married before they goe away : I honour both Lord and Chaplaine, when they are Godly, and Religious ; but I dislike, when either the Lord will not bee told of his faults, or the Chaplaine will not, or dare not : I love the life when Zeale, Learning and Gravity are the gifts of the Preacher. But I dislike it, when by respects Connivency or Ignorance with Pride keepe the Chappell. If they be wise, they will keepe close, till they have the Advouson of a Living, the better they are liked of their Master, and the more store he hath of Livings, they have the more hopes of a presentation. It's a great Vertue in their Patrone if hee doe not geld it, or lessen it before they handle it.

---

9.  Ale-houses.
      If these houses have a Boxe-Bush, or an old Post, it is enough to show their Profession. But if they bee graced with a Signe compleat, it's a signe of good custome : In these houses you shall see the History of Judeth, Susanna, Daniel in the Lyons Den, or Dives and Lazarus painted upon the Wall. It may bee reckoned a wonder to see, or find the house empty, for either the Parson, Churchwarden, or Clark, or all ; are doing some Church or Court-businesse usually in this place. They thrive best where there are fewest ; It is the Host's chiefest pride to bee speaking / p.315 / of such a Gentleman, or such a Gallant that was here, and will bee againe ere long : Hot weather and Thunder, and want of company are the Hostesses griefe, for then her Ale sowres : Your drinke usually is very young, two daies olde : her chiefest wealth is seene, if she can have one brewing under another : if either the Hostesse, or her Daughter, or Maide will kisse handsomely at parting, it is a good shooing-Horne or Birdlime to draw the Company thither againe the sooner. Shee must bee Courteous to all, though not by Nature, yet by her Profession ; for shee must entertaine all, good and bad ; Tag, and Rag ; Cut, and Long-tayle : Shee suspects Tinkers and poore Souldiers most, not that they will not drinke soundly, but that they will not pay lustily. Shee must keepe touch with three sorts of men ; that is, the Malt-man, the Baker, and the Justices Clarkes. Shee is merry, and halfe made, upon Shrove-tuesday, May-daies, Feast-dayes, and Morrice dances : A good Ring of Bells in the Parish helpes her to many a Tester, she prayes the Parson may not be a Puritan : a Bag-piper, and a Puppet-play brings her in Birds that are flush, shee defies a Wine-taverne as an upstart outlandish fellow, and suspects the Wine to bee poysoned. Her Ale, if new, lookes like a misty Morning, all thicke ; well, if her Ale bee strong, her reckoning right, her house cleane, her fire good, her face faire, and the Towne great or rich : shee shall seldome or never sit without Chirping Birds to beare her Company, and at the next Churching or Christning, shee is sure to be ridd of two or three dozen of Cakes and Ale by gossiping Neighbours.

/ p.316 /

10.  Apparators.
      Spirituall busines is their Profession, but carnall matters are their gaine and revenewes. The sinnes of the Laity holds them up, Ember-weekes, Visitations and Court-dayes shew their Calling and Imployment, then shall you see them as quicke as Bees in a Sommer day : Surrogates, the Arch-deacon, and the Chancellor, they dare not offend : they live upon Intelligence ; they have much businesse with the Church-wardens and Sides-men, they ride well furnisht with Citations, and sometime Excommunications : They are glad if they can heare of any one that teaches Schoole, or read Prayers in that Diocesse without a speciall Licence, they are to Peccant Wenches, as bad Scar-crowes, as Bailiffes be to desperate Debtors. The Curate must reade Prayers on Wednesdayes and Fridayes formaliter sub pæna of a further Charge : they are sworne to their Office, before admitted, but being admitted, oftentimes they dispense with the Oath : sometimes they have eyes, and are tongue-tyed ; sometimes they have tongues, and are blind : But without Fees they will see too much, and speake more ; and fetch men into their Courts with a Coram nomine. Yet though they doe much abuse their office, they make many affraide to sinne, either for feare of shame, punishment, or charges : Whatsoever shift a man or a woman make for monies, yet they are sure to pay for their faultes here. And if hee bee any thing in Age, then in the Court hee weares a furr'd Gowne, and ordinarily cryes Peace, peace there, when in his heart he / p.317 / means no such matter. They are like a company of straggling Sheepe, or unruly Goates, for they will never agree, or bee under one Shephard. Most commonly when they go to the Visitation, they ride on poore Jades, and their accoutrements an old Saddle, one Stirrope, a Spur without a Rowell, a blacke boxe, and an Office Seale : if the Wench that's in fault, want monies to pay her Fees, they'le take their penny-worths in flesh : Well, their Office is none of the best, and yet is it oftentimes too good for the Maister. When all Wenches proove Honest, they may begge, but as long as Venus rules, they will bee sure to finde imployment.

---

11.  Constables.
      There names imply that they should bee constant and able for the discharge of their Office : They have the command of foure places of note, the Stockes, the Cage, the Whipping-post, and the Cucking-stoole : they appoynt and command the Watch-men with their rusty Bils to walke Circuit : and doe also send hue and cryes after Male-factors. They are much imployed in foure occasions : at Musters, at pressing foorth of Souldiers, at quarter Sessions, and Assizes : their Office many times make them proud and crafty : if they bee angry with a poore man, hee is sure to be prefer'd upon the next Service : The Ale-houses had best hold correspondency with them : they are Bugbeares to / p.318 / them that wander without a Passe. Poore Souldiers are now and then helpt to a Lodging by their meanes : They'le visit an Ale-house under colour of Search, but their desire is to get Beere of the Company, and then if they be but meane men, they Master them ; and they answere them, Come pay, with this usuall Phrase, you are not the men wee looke for ; and demand of the Hostesse if shee have no Strangers in her house : having got their desire, they depart with this Complement ; Well, if our businesse were not extraordinary, we would have stay'd : but we must search other places upon suspition, it is (Gentlemen) for the King, and so depart with the amazement of the honest Company, and laughter to themselves. It's a thousand to one if they give a Souldier two pence, but they will set in their Bills given sixe-pence, and set downe layd out, when there is no such matter ; a fine tricke to get money by their place. They should seeme to bee either very poore, or covetous, or crafty men ; for they put their Charges alwaies upon the Parish : If an accompt happen to bee among the Parishioners when such a thing, or such a thing was done ; they'le answere in the same yeare, or there abouts, I was Constable, in thinking thereby to set forth their owne Credit. I leave them, wishing them to bee good in their Office, it is not long they have to stay in it.

/ p.319 /

12.  Currantoes or weekly Newes.
      These commonly begin with Vienna and end with Antwerpt : The Spanish and French affaires must not be left out : The three names that grace their Letters, are the Sweds, Tillies, or Imperialists : ordinarily they have as many Leyes as Lines, they use to lye (as weather-beaten Souldiers) upon a Booke-binders stall, they are new and old in sixe dayes : they are busie fellows, for they meddle with other mens Affaires : No Pope, Emperour, or King, but must bee touched by their pen : Nay they use to interline some great exploit at Sea betwixt the Hollander and Dunkerker, or else betwixt the Hollander and Spaniard, at the Cape or the straights of Magellan, and usually they conclude with this Phrase, The Admirall or Vice-Admirall of our side, gave a broad side to the utter over throw of the Spaniard, with so many men hurt, such a rich Prize taken, such a Ship sunke, or fired : Being faithfully translated out of the Dutch coppy, with the first and Second Part, like Ballads. And these are all conceites ordinarily, which their owne idle braine, or busie fancies, upon the blockes in Paules, or in their Chambers invented : They have used this trade so long, that now every one can say, its even as true as a Currantoe, meaning that it's all false. Now Swedens and the Emperors War in Germany, is their Store-house, with how Lubecke, Hamburgh, Leipsich, Breame, and the other Hans-Townes affect the Kings Majesties proceedings : If a Towne be beleagured, or taken, / p.320 / then they never take care, but how they may send their Leyes fast enough, and far enough ; Well, they are politicke, not to be descried, for they are asham'd to put their names to their Books. If they write good Newes of our side, it is seldome true ; but if it be bad, it's alwayes almost too true. I wish them eyther to write not at all, or lesse, or more true ; the best newes is when we heare no Newes.

[ p.321 ]  (image of page 321)

Breton (Nicholas) Fantasticks:

Serving for a

Perpetuall  Prognostication.

Descants of

‹

/ \

1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10.  11.  12.

The World. The Earth. Water. Ayre. Fire. Fish. Beasts. Man. Woman. Love. Money. The Spring.

13.  14.  15.  16.  17.  18.  19.  20.  21.  22.  23.  24.

Summer. Harvest. Winter. The 12 Moneths. Christmas. Lent. Good Friday. Easter Day. Morning. The 12 Houres. Midnight. The Conclusion.

---

pp. 44, 4to., bl. lett.

---

London:

Printed for Francis Williams, M D C X X V I

It is dedicated

" To the Worshipfull and worthy Knight, Sir Marke Ibe, of Ribers Hall, in Essex,"

followed by a short address

" To the Reader," both signed N. B.

[ p.323 ]  (image of page 323)

Breton (Nicholas) Fantasticks:

Serving for a

Perpetuall  Prognostication.

Love
      " Touching my Judgement of Love, it is, if it bee any thing, such a thing to speake of, that to tell truly, I know not well what to say of it :—but yet what I imagine of it, I will tell you :—at the first, I ghesse, it was an old nothing, to exercise wit in idlenes, and now, is a kind of new-nothing to feed folly with imagination :—but be it what it will be, or may be, this wanton Love that this world is too full of, whatsoever it is, thus much I find of it :—It is begotten by the eyes, bred in the braines, walkes in the tongue, growes with the flesh, and dyes in an humour :—and this ill commonly doth trouble wit, hinder Arte, hurt Nature, disgrace Reason, lose time, and spoile substance :—It crosseth wisedome, serveth Beautie, and sotteth Folly ;—weakneth strength, and baseth Honour :—It is only Willes darling, Patience triall, and Passions torture, the pleasure of / p.324 / Melancholy, and the play of Madness, the delight of varieties, and the deviser of vanities :—The Virgins cracke, and the Widowes crosse :—The Batchelors bane and the maried mans Purgatory :—the Yong mans misery and the Ageds consumption :—The abuse of Learning, the ground of Envy, the stirrer of wrath, and the cause of mischiefe :—The disquiet of the mind, the distractor of the Wit, the disturber of the Senses, and the destruction of the whole body. A fained god, an idle fancy, a kind of fury, and in some kind a frenzy. To conclude, I hold it an Invention of idlenesse, and an Imagination of Indiscretion :—the plague of people, and the mocke of the Word.—Farewell."

---

Summer.
      " It is now Summer, and Zephirus with his sweet breath cooles the parching beames of Titan ; the leaves of the trees are in whisper talkes of the blessings of the aire, while the Nightingale is tuning her throat to refresh the weary spirit of the Travayler :—Flora now brings out her Wardrop, and richly embroydreth her greene Apron :—the Nymphes of the Woodes in consort with the Muses sing an Ave to the Morning, and a Vale to the Sunnes setting :—the Lambes and the Rabbettes run at base in the sandy Warrens, and the Plow Landes are covered with corne :—the stately Hart is at Layre in the high wood, while the Hare in a furrow sits washing of her face :—The Bull makes his walke like a / p.325 / Master of the field, and the broad-headed Oxe beares the Garland of the market :—the Angler with a fly takes his pleasure with the fish, while the little Merline hath the Partridge in the foot :—the Hony-dewes perfume the Ayre, and the Sunny-showers are the earths comfort :—the Greyhound on the plaine makes the faire course :—and the wel-mouthed Hound makes the Musicke of the Woods :—the Battaile of the field is now stoutly fought, and the proud Rye must stoupe to the Sickle :—The Carters whistle cheeres his forehorse, and drinke and sweate is the life of the Labourer :—Idle spirits are banished the limits of Honour, while the studious braine brings forth his wonder :—the Azure Sky shewes the Heaven is gracious, and the glorious Sunne glads the spirit of Nature :—The ripened fruits shew the beauty of the earth, and the brightnesse of the aire the glory of the heavens :—In summe, for the world of worth I find in it, I thus conclude of it ;—I hold it a most sweet season, the variety of pleasures, and the Paradise of love. Farewell."

---

Winter.
      " It is now Winter, and Boreas beginnes to fill his cheekes with breath ; shaketh the tops of the high Cedars, and hoyseth the waves of the Sea, to the danger of the Saylers comfort :—Now is the Earth nipt at the heart with a cold, and her Trees are disrobed of their rich apparell :—there is a glasse set upon the face of the Waters, and the Fishes / p.326 / are driven to the bottomes of the deepe :—The Usurer now sits lapt in his furres, and the poore makes his breath, a fire to his fingers ends :—Beautie is maskt for feare of the ayre, and youth runnes to Physicke for Restoratives of Nature :—The Stagge roares for losse of his strength, and the Flea makes his Castle in the wooll of a blanket :—Cards and Dice now begin their harvest, and good Ale and Sack are the cause of civill warres :—Machiavil and the Devill are in counsell upon destruction, and the wicked of the world make hast to hell :—Money is such a Monopoly, that hee is not to be spoken of, and the delay of suits is the death of hope.—In it selfe it is a wofull Season, the punishment of Natures pride, and the play of misery.—Farewell."

---

March.
      " It is now March, and the Northerne wind dryeth up the Southerne durt :—The tender Lippes are now maskt for feare of chopping, and the faire hands must not be ungloved :—now riseth the Sunne a pretty step to his faire height, and Saint Valentine calls the birds together, where Nature is pleased in the varietie of Love :—the Fishes and the Frogs fall to their manner of generation, and the Adder dyes to bring forth her young :—the Ayre is sharpe, but the Sunne is comfortable ; and the day beginnes to lengthen :—The forward Gardens give the fine Sallets, and a Nosegay of Violets is a present for a Lady :—Now beginneth Nature (as / p.327 / it were) to wake out of her sleepe, and sends the Traveller to survey the walkes of the World :—the sucking Rabbit is good for weake Stomackes, and the dyet for the Rhume doth many a great Cure :—The Farrier now is the horses Physitian, and the fat Dog feeds the Faulcon in the Mew :—The Tree begins to bud, and the grasse to peepe abroad, while the Thrush with the Black-bird make a charme in the young Springs :—the Milke-mayd with her best beloved, talke away wearinesse to the Market, and in an honest meaning, kind words doe no hurt :—the Foot-ball now tryeth the legges of strength, and merry matches continue good fellowship :—It is a time of much worke, and tedious to discourse of :—but in all I find of it, I thus conclude in it :—I hold it the Servant of Nature, and the Schoole-master of Art :—the hope of labour, and the Subject of Reason. Farewell."

---

November.
      " It is now November, and according to the old Proverbe, Let the Thresher take his flayle, and the ship no more sayle :—for the high winds and the rough seas will try the ribs of the Shippe, and the hearts of the Sailers :—Now come the Countrey people all wet to the Market, and the toyling Carriers are pittifully moyled :—The yong Herne and the Shoulerd are now fat for the great Feast, and the Woodcocke begins to make toward the Cockeshoot :—the Warriners now beginne to plie their harvest, and the Butcher, after a good / p.328 / bargaine drinks a health to the Grasier :—the Cooke and the Comfitmaker make ready for Christmas, and the Minstrels in the Countrey, beat their boyes for false fingring :—Schollers before breakefast have a cold stomacke to their bookes, and a Master without Art is fit for an A. B. C.—A red herring and a cup of Sacke, make warre in a weake stomacke, and the poore mans fast, is better then the Gluttons surfet :—Trenchers and dishes are now necessary servants, and a locke to the Cubboord keepes a bit for a neede :—Now beginnes the Goshauke to weede the wood of the Phesant and the Mallard loves not to heare the belles of the Faulcon :—The winds now are cold, and the Ayre chill, and the poore die through want of Charitie :—Butter and Cheese beginne to rayse their prices, and kitchen stuffe is a commoditie, that every man is not acquainted with.—In summe, with a conceit of the chilling cold of it, I thus conclude in it :—I hold it the discomfort of Nature, and Reasons patience. Farewell."

---

Christmas Day.
      " It is now Christmas, and not a Cup of drinke must passe without a Caroll, the Beasts, Fowle and Fish, come to a generall execution, and the Corne is ground to dust for the Bakehouse, and the Pastry :—Cards and Dice purge many a purse, and the Youth shew their agility in shooing of the wild Mare :—now good cheere, and welcome, and God be with you, and I thanke you :—and against the new yeare / p.329 / provide for the presents :—the Lord of Mis-rule is no meane man for his time, and the ghests of the high Table must lacke no Wine :—the lusty bloods must looke about them like men, and piping and dauncing puts away much melancholy :—stolne Venison is sweet, and a fat Coney is worth money :—Pit-falles are now set for small Birdes, and a Woodcocke hangs himselfe in a gynne :—a good fire heats all the house, and a full Almes-basket makes the Beggers Prayers :—the Maskers and the Mummers make the merry sport ; but if they lose their money, their Drumme goes dead :—Swearers and Swaggerers are sent away to the Ale-house, and unruly Wenches goe in danger of Judgement :—Musicians now make their Instruments speake out, and a good song is worth the hearing.—In summe, it is a holy time, a duty in Christians, for the remembrance of Christ, and custome among friends, for the maintenance of good fellowship :—In briefe, I thus conclude of it :—I hold it a memory of the Heavens Love, and the worlds peace, the myrth of the honest, and the meeting of the friendly.—Farewell."

---

Easter Day.
      " It is now Easter, and Jacke of Lent is turned out of doores :—the Fishermen now hang up their nets to dry, while the Calfe and the Lambe walke toward the Kitchin and the Pastry :—The velvet heads of the Forrests fall at the loose of / p.330 / the Crossebow :—the Samman Trowt playes with the Fly, and the March Rabbit runnes dead into the dish :—the Indian commodities pay the Merchants adventure :—and Barbary Sugar puts Honey out of countenance :—the holy feast is kept for the faithfull, and a knowne Jew hath no place among Christians :—the Earth now beginnes to paint her upper garment, and the trees put out their young buds, the little Kids chew their Cuds, and the Swallow feeds on the Flyes in the Ayre :—the Storke clenseth the Brookes of the Frogges, and the Sparhawke prepares her wing for the Partridge :—the little Fawne is stolne from the Doe, and the Male Deere beginne to heard :—the spirit of Youth is inclined to mirth, and the conscionable Scholler will not breake a holy day :—the Minstrell cals the Maid from her dinner, and the Lovers eyes doe troule like Tennis balls :—There is mirth and joy, when there is health and liberty :—and he that hath money, will be no meane man in his mansion :—the Ayre is wholsome, and the Skye comfortable, the Flowers odoriferous, and the Fruits pleasant :—I conclude, it is the day of much delightfulnesse :—the Sunnes dancing day, and the Earths Holy-day.—Farewell."

/ p.331 /

The Character of a Bowling-Alley and Bowling-Green.

[ From The Compleat Gamester, 8vo. Lond., 1721.]

      A Bowling-Green, or Bowling-Alley, is a Place where three Things are thrown away besides the Bowls, viz. Time, Money, and Curses ; at the last ten for one. The best Sport in it is the Gamester's, and he enjoys it that looks on and bets Nothing. It is a School of wrangling, and worse than the Schools ; for here Men will wrangle for a Hair's Breadth, and make a Stir where a Straw would end the Controversy. Never did Mimick screw his Body into all the Forms these Men do theirs ; and it is an Article of their Creed, that the bending back of the Body, or screwing in of their Shoulders, is sufficient to hinder the Over-speed of the Bowl, and that the running after it adds to its Speed. Though they are skilful in Ground, I know not what Grounds they have for loud lying, crying sometimes, the Bowl is gone a Mile, a Mile, &c. when it comes short of the Jack by six Yards ; and on the contrary, crying short, short, when he hath over-bowled as far. How senseless these Men appear, when they are speaking Sense to their Bowls, putting Confidence in their Entreaties for a good Cast ! It is the best Discovery of Humours, especially in the Losers, where you may observe fine Variety of Impatience, whilst some fret, rail, swear, and / p.332 / cavil at every Thing, others rejoice and laugh, as if that was the sole Design of their Creation.
      To give you the Moral of it, it is the Emblem of the World, or the World's Ambition, where most are short, over, wide or wrong byassed, and some few justle into the Mistress Fortune ! And here it is as in the Court, where the nearest are the most spighted, and all Bowls aim at the other.

FINIS

[ p.333 ]  (image of page 333)

List of the Characters.

PAGE
No.	1.	A Courtier             .            .	.	.        16
	2.	A Drunkard           .            .	.	18, 82, 184
	3.	An Alderman's son left rich	.	.  20, 90
	4.	A tobacco-taker     .            .	.	.  23, 86
	5.	A good Lawyer      .            .	.	26, 147
	6.	An honest Citizen's too finical Wife		.        29
	7.	The Wanton Wife  .            .	.	31, 97, 111
	8.	A young Prentice   .            .	.	.        33
	9.	A Servingman        .            .	.	.  36, 94
	10.	An Extortioner      .            .	.	39, 102
	11.	A Glutton  .           .            .	.	41, 105
	12.	A Jealous Man       .            .	.	44, 115
	13.	A fond fantastic Lover        .	.	47, 118
	14.	A Witch     .           .            .	.	51, 234
	15.	A Roaring Boy       .            .	.	.        53
	16.	A Voluntary Bankrupt        .	.	.        56
	17.	A Sergeant of London         .	.	60, 282
	18.	A Thief    .             .            .	.	.        63
	19.	A Hangman            .            .	.	.        65
	20.	Tiburne    .             .            .	.	.        69
	21.	The Fortune-teller  .            .	.	.        84
	22.	The Prodigal           .            .	.	.        90
	23.	The Lewd Woman  .            .	.	.        97

/ p.334 /

List of the Characters (continued).

PAGE
No.	24.	The Retainer           .            .	.	.      100
	25.	The Pander             .            .	.	101, 236
	26.	The Parasite            .            .	.	.      108
	27.	The Virgin               .            .	.	.      123
	28.	An Impudent Censurer         .	.	.      133
	29.	A compleate Man    .            .	.	.      135
	30.	A good Husband     .            .	.	.      138
	31.	A contented Man     .            .	.	.      140
	32.	A good Emperour    .            .	.	.      143
	33.	A worthy Poet         .            .	.	.      144
	34.	A Detractor             .            .	.	.      150
	35.	An Humourist         .            .	.	.      152
	36.	A weake-brain'd Gull           .	.	.      155
	37.	A ranke Observer    .            .	.	.      158
	38.	A simple Polititian   .            .	.	.      161
	39.	A Spendthrift           .            .	.	.      164
	40.	An Ubiquitary          .            .	.	.      166
	41.	A Gamester              .            .	.	.      168
	42.	A Novice      .           .            .	.	.      170
	43.	An Epicure   .           .            .	.	.      172
	44.	A Churle       .           .            .	.	.      175
	45.	An Atheist    .           .            .	.	.      178
	46.	A Lyar          .           .            .	.	.      181
	47.	A begging Scholar    .            .	.	.      187
	48.	A Gaoler      .           .            .	.	.      190

/ p.335 /

List of the Characters (continued).

PAGE
No.	49.	An Informer  .           .            .	.	.      192
	50.	A base mercenary Poet          .	.	.      194
	51.	A common Player      .           .	.	.      197
	52.	A Warrener   .            .            .	.	.      200
	53.	A huntsman  .            .            .	.	.      202
	54.	A Falconer    .            .            .	.	.      204
	55.	A Farmer      .             .            .	.	.      206
	56.	An Hostesse               .            .	.	.      208
	57.	A Tapster     .             .            .	.	.      210
	58.	A Lawyer's simple Clarke        .	.	.      213
	59.	A pettifogging Atturney (see p. 278)	.	.      216
	60.	A crafty Scrivener       .           .	.	.      218
	61.	A wrangling Welch Client       .	.	.      221
	62.	A plaine Country Bridegroom .	.	.      224
	63.	A plaine Countrey Bride         .	.	.      225
	64.	My Mistresse             .            .	.	.      227
	65.	A Gossip      .            .            .	.	.      230
	66.	An old Woman          .            .	.	.      232
	67.	A Friend       .            .            .	.	.      239
	68.	A sicke Machiavell Politician .	.	.      241
	69.	A Page          .            .            .	.	.      244
	70.	An honest Shepherd  .            .	.	.      247
	71.	A tailor's man            .            .	.	.      249
	72.	A fiddler       .            .            .	.	.      251
	73.	An Executioner         .            .	.	.      253

/ p.336 /

List of the Characters (continued).

PAGE
No.	74.	LONDON LOCALITIES          .	.	.      267
	75.	Play-houses             .            .	.	.      295
	76.	Fencing-schools      .            .	.	.      297
	77.	Dancing-schools     .            .	.	.      298
	78.	Fisher-women         .            .	.	.      300
	79.	Scavengers and Goldfinders .	.	.      301
	80.	Country Hospitality .           .	.	.      304
	81.	Enclosures, tenants, &c.      .	.	.      306
	82.	Country Schoolmasters and Ushers	.	310-311
	83.	Country Chaplains   .           .	.	.      313
	84.	Ale-houses              .            .	.	.      314
	85.	Apparators              .            .	.	.      316
	86.	Constables              .            .	.	.      317
	87.	Corantoes or Weekly News .	.	.      319
	88.	Love          .            .            .	.	.      323
	89.	Summer, Winter, March, November	.	.      324
	90.	Christmas Day, Easter Day .	.	.      328
	100.	The Character of a Bowling-Alley       and Bowling-Green       .	.	.     331

Website contents

Further pages from James Halliwell