/ p.275 /

      The one of these came from Antwerpe, the other from a Stable ; the one was Dutch, yet made Denison ; the other was not so at the beginning, but did Exchange his name and nature. The Merchants are men generally of good habite, their words are usually better then their Consciences ; their Discourse ordinarily begins in Water, but ends in Wine : the frequenting of the Walkes twice a day, and a careles laughter, argues that they are sound : if they visit not once a day, tis suspected they are cracking, or broken : their Countenance is ordinarily shap'd by their successe at Sea, eyther Merry, sad, or desperat : they are like ships at sea, top and top gallant this day, to morrow sincking : the Sea is as a Tennis-court, their States are Bals, the Winde is the Racket, and doth strike many for lost under Line, and many in the hazard : They may seeme to bee acquainted with Athens, for they all desire Newes : Some of them do keepe two brittle Vessels, their Shippes and their Wives : the latter is lesse ballast, and that makes them so light : the Merchants Respect the former most, for if that sinke or be over-throwne, they fall, but the fall of the latter, is oftentimes the advancing of their heads : Conscience is sold here for nought, because it is as old Sermons, a dead Commodity : they will dissemble with, and cozen one another, though all the Kings that ever were since the Conquest, overlooked them. Here are usually more Coaches attendant, then at Church-doores : The Merchants should keepe their / p.276 / Wives from visiting the upper Roomes too often, least they tire they purses by attyring themselves. Rough Seas, Rockes, and Pyrats, treacherous Factors, and leaking ships affright them : they are strange polititians, for they bring Turkey and Spaine into London, and carry London thither. Ladies surely love them, for they have that which is good for them, Farre fetcht, and deare bought : they may proove stable men, but they must first leave the Exchange. It is a great House full of goods ; though it be almost in the middle of the Citty, yet it Stands by the Sea. There's many Gentle-women come hither, that to helpe their faces and Complexions, breakes their husbands backs, who play foule in the Countrey with their Land, to be faire ; and play false in the City : the place to conclude, is thought to bee a great Formalist, and an hazardable Temporizer, and is like a beautifull Woman, absolutely good, if not too common.

      Tis thought the Way through this streete is not good, because so broad, and so many go in it ; yet though it be broad, it's very streight, because without any turnings : it is suspected here are not many sufficient able men, because they would sell all : and but little honesty, for they show all, and some think, more some time then their owne : they are very affable, for they'le speak to most that passe by : they care not how few bee in the streets, so their shops / p.277 / bee full : they that bring them money, seeme to bee used worst, for they are sure to pay soundly : their Bookes of accounts are not like to their estates : for the latter are best without, but the other with long crosses ; there are a great company of honest men in this place, if all bee gold that glisters : their parcell-gilt plate is thought to Resemble themselves, most of them have better faces, then hearts ; their monies and coines are used as prisoners at Sea, kept under hatches. One would thinke them to bee good men, for they deale with the purest and best mettals, and every one strives to work best, and stout too, for they get much by knocking, and especially by leaning on their Elbowes. Puritans doe hold it for a fine streete, but something addicted to Popery, for adorning the Crosse too much. The inhabitants seeme not to affect the Standard ; the Kings and Queenes would bee offended with, and punish them, knew they how these batter their faces on their coynes. Some of their Wives would bee ill prisoners, for they cannot indure to be shut up ; and as bad Nunnes, the life is so solitary : there are many vertuous and honest Women, some truly so, others are so for want of opportunity : they hold that a harsh place of Scripture, That women must be no goers or gadders abroad : in going to a lecture many use to visite a Tavern : the young attendant must want his eyes, and change his tongue, according as his mistresse shal direct, though many times they do mistake the place, yet they will remember the time an houre and halfe, to avoyd suspition. Some of the men are cunning Landerers of plate, and get much by washing that plate they handle, and it hath come from some / p.278 / of them, like a man from the Brokers that hath casheer'd his cloake, a great deale the lighter. Well, if all the men be Rich and true, and the women all faire and honest, then Cheapeside shall stand by Charing-Crosse for a wonder, and I will make no more Characters. But I proceede.

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8.  Innes of Court, and Chancery.
      These were builded for Profit, Grace, Pleasure, Justice : the buildings grace the City, the Men grace the Buildings, Justice and Learning grace the Men : These places furnish our Land with Law : Here Nobility, Learning, Law, Gentrey, have their Residence ; here are Students and Professors ; here are Students that will not be Professors : here are Professors and Students : here are Professors yet not Students ; and here bee some that are neyther Students nor Professors : Many hold, that for an excellent Custome, in the Temple, immunity, from danger of Serjeants or such like proling Vermine. Some live here for profite, others for Grace, some for pleasure, some for all, yet most for profite and pleasure : They that meane to live by Law, desire not so much the Theory as the Practicke part : though many here follows the Law, yet all keep it not, but some transgresse : They are the Seminaries of Judgement and Justice ; hee that is most expert in the Law, is the most fitting for publicke imployment, and the Magistracy ; these cause Cæsar to have his due, and give the Subject his Right : that Land is likely / p.279 / to flourish where Religion and Justice are honour'd and practis'd : take away Justice, and Religion wil halt ; remoove Religion, and Justice will degenerate into tyranny ; let Moses and Aaron Rule, and our Israel will prosper : these places Moralize, Civilize the younger, advance the Learned : their Founders intended the stablishing of Peace, and confirming of Religion : many things that begin with blows, and would end in blood, are by these Professors mediated, and Christian agreement made ; their number, Unity, great imployment, makes them admired, to conclude, they are Rich Megazines for Law, store-houses for policy, Bulwarkes of Equity, let them ever flourish, as long as they are Deo, Regi, Patria ; for God, their King and Country.

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9.  Smithfield.
      You may have a faire prospect of this square Fellow, as you passe from the streights of Pie-Corner ; this place is wel stored with good harbours for Passengers to put into for flesh and drinke, and fish it is admirable ; but fish harbour appeares now but two dayes in seaven above water : here thrice in a week one may see more beasts then men. Butchers that have money make this their Haven, or Rendevouz : Men that are downe-fled, and better fed then taught, may see many like themselves, boght here for the slaughter : Butchers surely cannot indure Cuckolds, because they kill so many horn'd beasts. Some I suppose, may bee sayd to buy / p.280 / themselves, such as trafficke for Calves : though the place be square, yet here is much cheating in it : here Land-pirates use to sel that which is none of their own : heere comes many Horses, (like Frenchmen) rotten in the joints, which by tricks are made to leape, though they can scarse go ; he that lights upon a Horse in this place, from an olde Horse-courser, sound both in wind and limbe, may light of an honest Wife in the Stews : here's many an olde Jade, that trots hard for't, that uses his legs sore against his will, for he had rather have a stable then a Market, or a Race : I am perswaded that this place was paved without the consent of the Horse-courses company : this place affords those leather blacke-coates, which run so fast uppon Wheeles, they shake many a young Heire out of his stocke and meanes : the men that live here, may be said to be wel fed, for here's meat enough ; this place showes what a Rich Countrey England is, and how well it breedes Beasts, a man that considers their number and greatnes, and how soone Consumed, may thinke there are a World of mouthes, or else that Englishmen are great eaters. Well, I will speake this of Smithfield, it is the greatest, fairest, richest, squarest market place of this great City or Kingdome.

/ p.281 /

10.  Bridewell.
      Here comes many that have beene at many a Dance, but never affected the Bride-Well : heere's a Pallace strangly Metamorphosed into a prison : in the outward Court were Carts not for the Husband-man, but for those that have used the unlawfull game of Venery : it seemes to be contrary to nature, to make those draw which were made to beare, a strange invention to have such a new punishment, for such an old sinne. Me thinkes the house complaines, Oh quam a dispari Domino : It may be sayd of it, that it hath beene Eminent, Great, and Majesticall, so much may bee sayde of it yet, that the Court is where it was : It should maintaine Vertue, for it punishes vice, they are severe Governors, for they are most upon correction : when men have here done their work, they are sure of their wages, a whip : they are temperate here, for they eate not over much ; for their drinke, if all were to follow their course, it would make Malt cheape, for it's water. It may be sayd of this, as of the Palatinate, would it was restor'd In statu quo prius : some say there are many idle persons in it ; strange ! yet work so hard : It's thought there's scarse a true fellow in it, for they all lye hard : there's none can say hee workes for nothing, for they are all sure of payment (the lash). It's the only Remembrancer of Ægypts slavery, they have taske-maisters to holde them to their worke : their whippemaister is like a Countrey Pedagouge, they many times whippe better, then himselfe, and both take a pride in their / p.282 / office, they inflict that uppon others, which they deserve themselves : they that come out of it neede not feare Purgatory, for it's thought to be a place of more ease. This is a two fold comfort unto them, that they may once come out, and then they can scarce light of an harder maister, or a worse service : they may be Papists, for they fast often, have their bodies afflicted, are shut up from the World, seeme wondrous penitent, onely they pray not so often. I leave the place, wishing they may come out, amend, and never more come into it.

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11.  Ludgate and Counters.
      Ile joyne all these together, because their natures are not much different, some of the Officers make the places worse then they would be, if a man cannot by monies or good security pay his debts, yet hee may lye for them here ; the Prisoners are like Apprentices, desire hartily to bee Freemen : Certainly, they have beene men of great credite, for they have beene much trusted : they hate three persons, an extream Creditor, a cunning Lawyer, and a biting Serjeant : these three are all fishers of men, the Creditor ownes the Net, the Lawyer places and spreads it, the Serjeant hals and drawes it to a purse : the Serjeant seemes to bee most of trust, for hee hath the Whole businesse put into his hands, and if he can, concludes it : the Lawyer next to him, for hee / p.283 / is trusted with the Bonds : the Creditor himselfe is of least note, for he will not be seene in his owne busines : yet the Creditor is Lord of the Game, the Lawyer is his Hunsman, the Serjeant his blood Hound, the Yeoman his Beagle, and the Debtor is the wild Hare ; if hee be taken, most commonly hee is tamed in one of these Muses : a Serjeant is worst when most imploied, and a Lawyer when most trusted, the Creditor when without pitty, and the Debtor when prodigality and ill courses have procured this Cage. The Attourney and Serjeant may be termed Hangmen, they procure and serve so many Executions : These places are fullest when men break their bonds, and make forfeitures ; they may bee called Dens, the Serjeant Lyons, and the Debtor the Prey. It is an ancient Gate, yet not affected by Citizens, though a closet for safety. For the Counters, they teach wandring Nightingals the way unto their Nests, and learne them to sing the Counter-Tenor : the Counters seeme very courteous, for they will open almost at any houre in the night, they would not have men lye in the streets : wel, they are places that are too full, the more pitty that men eyther have not better Estates, Consciences, or manners, to pay their Debts, and live uprightly and orderly.

/ p.284 /

12.  Newgate.
      It may well answere to the name, and thanke the City for her care and charges : It is now well fac'd and headed, Charity helps much to a decayed Estate : but that Saint Pauls is a Church, and so to beare no anger or grudge, it would envy the prosperity of the Gates, and be angry with the Citizens for not thinking uppon her old age and poverty. Newgate is generally a place of safety, and few comes hither, but by merit : the captives are men that once would not, now must live within compasse, they should be men of worth, for the Keeper will not, dare not loose one of them. When they are forsaken every where, then this place takes them in, for feare their heeles should bee as quicke as their hands have beene : Hee layes them in irons, that he may be the surer of them : they are, or may be supposed to be sound men, for they seldome break out : as long as they stay heere, they cannot be sayd to bee unstayd fellowes or Vagrants, for they are sure of a place of stay : they are quicke-sighted, for they can see through iron grates : some of them seeme to be Eminent men, for they are highly advanced ; they are like Fish, have a long time nibled away the baite, but are now caught : Certainly they are no Libertines, and are convicted of Free-will : they are uncharitable, for they seldome love their Keeper ; they have the power of life and death in their owne hands, and put many to be prest to death. By seeking others goods they procur'd their owne hurt. They lived without any thought of Judgement, now it is the onely thing / p.285 / they feare : They hold a Triangle to be a dangerous Figure. Of all places they hold Holborne-hill an unfortunate place to ride up. It seemes they goe that way unwillingly, for they are drawne : They cannot misse their way to their Journeys end, they are so guarded and guided. Lice seeme to bee their most constant Companions, for they'le hang with them for company : It seemes these men were not made for Examples, for at their Confession they wish all men not to follow their courses : and most are easily perswaded, for ther's very few dare do as they have done. Well, I passe from them, thus much you may bee sure of, once a Moneth, you may heare, know, and see if you please ; whether they live or dye.

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13.  Turnebull-streete.
      It is in an ill name, and therefore halfe-hang'd : here may bee some Probability of Honesty, little or no demonstration, especially a Priory. Heere are Lasses that seeme to hate Enclosures, for they would lay all open, they may seeme good Subjects, for they love standing or lying for the Common : They held it was a good Age, when Woemen practis'd Astronomy. They seeme to bee Puritans, for they love private Conventicles : They are not altogether unpractis'd in the Law, for they know and love Feelings : The Aspect here is the Conjunction, and they hold a noune Substantive, a Preposition, an Interjection and Conjunction / p.286 / the best parts of speech. They have learn'd thus far in their Accidences, that femina ludificantur viros. They seeme to bee no whit addicted to pride, for they desire to be below : they love not Lent, because they delight more in flesh : they seeme to bee well-wishers to Lawyers, and to the Citie, for they love Terme-times, and pray against the decay of trading. Their chiefest desire is to bee well mann'd, they keepe open houses : It is hazardable to trust them because they are much addicted to Lying : They affect a Cannoneire well, because hee will force a breach, and enter the passage. They love not to wrastle [lit.], they had rather take a fall, then give one. When this Streete was builded, surely Mars and Venus were in a Conjunction. Here are very few men, but they are well arm'd : Nay the Woemen have received presse-money, and have performed the Service : woemen though the colder vessels by Nature, yet these are the hotter by Art : they may bee thought to be great Schollers, for they pertake of all the liberall Sciences, for Grammar they know the Syntaxis, and the Figure cal'd Apollo P. For Logicke they have skill in the Ante-prædicaments and the Fallacies ; for Musicke they are not affected with Unisons, but are skilfull in Chrochets [lit.] and quavers, and love Elah, because the highest Note, and makes them squeake : for Retoricke, they know the Metonomia adjuncti, and Apostrophe ; for Arethmeticke, they love addition, and devision ; for Astronomy, they know the motion of Venus, and are observers of Mars ; for their skil in Geography, they know the Tropickes and the Torrid Zone, and so being thus experienc'd in these Sciences, they are much frequented and sought too. / p.287 / I wish all in this Streete to take heed of their Cellars, least they fire first, and to lay their Trading downe, or else it will lay them downe.

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14.  Hounsditch and Long-lane.
      These two are twinnes they have both set to one Profession ; they will buy a mans Suite out of his hands, but it shal be hang'd or prest for't. A man that comes here as a stranger would think that there had beene some great death of men and woemen, here abouts he sees so many suites and no men for them. Here are Suites enough for all the Lawyers in London to deale withall : the Inhabitants are men of many outsides, their faults are not seene easily, because they have so many cloakes for them : they should be well affected to the Romane Church, for they keepe, and lay up old Reliques : they are beholden to the Hangman, for he furnishes their Shops : And most of their Creditors wish that they may furnish his three corner'd shop, which often comes to passe ; and as many say, the oftner the better : Broke-Currs they are in two respects, most of them were broke before they set up, and Currs for biting so sore ever since they set up : his shop is a Hell, he the Divell in't, and torments poore soules : the Jayler and Broker are Birds of a Feather, the one Imprisons the Body, the other the Cloaths, both make men pay deare for their lodging : The Broker seemes somwhat the kinder, for he layes the cloaths / p.288 / in Lavender : he is much of a Serving mans nature, lives much upon the Reversion of cast cloathes : the Serving-man hath them the cheaper, but the other keepes them the better, they many times do make a bargaine : Hee loves those birds best, that oftnest cast their Feathers : to conclude, he is no Tradsman, if the whole bunch of them be weighed, you shal not scarse finde a dramme of honesty, for a pound of craft.

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15.  Charter-house.
      This place is well described by three thinges, Magnificence, Munificence, and Religious government : Magnificence is the Terminus a quo, good Orders the Terminus mediari, Munificence and Charity the Terminus ad quem : the first showes the wealth of both Founder and Establisher : the second showes the meanes to make the good thing done, durable : the third demonstrates his intent that thus Establisht it : had it beene great without good government, it had long ere this time come to ruine : or had it bin great and yet devoyd of Charity, it would have bin laught at and derided ; but now Charity showes it is well governed, and the good Government keepes it firme, and makes it famous : Souldiers and Schollers, I thinke, beginne their love here, that they continue hereafter firme and solide, by living together ; callings both honorable, and here bountifully maintayned : It is a Reliefe for decaied Gentlemen, old Souldiers, and / p.289 / auncient Serving-men : tis to bee pittied, that such Religious, Charitable houses, increase not in number : this one place hath sent many a famous member to the Universities, and not a few to the Warres : I will not censure as some do, that many places are heere sold for monies, nay the reversions also : Ile rather exhort the Governors to discharge a good conscience, (and not to suffer their men, or any other whom they affect, to get thirty or forty pounds for the promise of the next vacant place for a youth to come in,) and to observe their first Institutions ; and those that so suppose, I wish them that they speake not that with their mouthes, which they know not in their hearts. The deede of this man that so ordered this House, is much spoken of, and commended : but there's none (except onley one, Syon Colledg nere Criplegate), that as yet, hath eyther striven to equall or imitate that, and I feare never will : there's many that will not doe any such good Workes, and give out that they smell something of Popery, and therefore not to be imitated well, I durst warrant thus much, let the Over-seers live Religiously, governe Civily, avoid Bribery, keep their Cannons directly, and this House shall stand to upbraid this Iron Age, and see many brought to beggery for prodigality, when they shall be satisfied, and have enough : Well, this is my opinion of it, that the Founder is happy, and so are all his Children that live here ; if they degenerate not, and turne from fearing God, obeying their Prince, and from living in love amongst themselves.

/ p.290 /

16.  Christs-hospitall.
      The former place and this are much of one nature, yet some difference there is ; Charter-house is the younger for time, but exceedes for revenews : It was erected by one, this by many Citizens, Christs-hospitall is principally for Childrens education, that are fatherlesse and motherlesse, the other for Mens and Childrens too. The former is for any, as well as Citizens, the latter not, that onely, it is for children ; seemes to be conformable to Christs will, Suffer little Children to come unto mee : None that are in this place can be sayd to bee without portions, for they have Education : the Cities Charity is the lesse, for shee Relieves but her owne. It's a good means to empty their streetes of young beggars, and fatherlesse Children : She doth no more then the Lawes of the Land seeme to enjoyne, to keepe those that were borne within her : it's a good policy to put them young to this place, because they may learne Vertue before Vice : And ordinarily, if youth be wel seasoned, it is the more hopefull to be good in age. The City doth deserve very great commendation for this action, because it's rare to see so great a Company joyne together, for the good of the poore, and last out. You may easily know the Children that belong unto this place, by their Azure liveries, and their Sable head-peeces : This House may be termed the Childrens Commonwealth, and to speak truth, it's well governed by good Lawes, I wish the City not to be proud for / p.291 / her Charity, nor to be weary of wel doing ; and the Hospitall to remember their Benefactors, and the Children to live and learne well, for feare of Correction.

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17.  Paris-Garden.
      This may better bee termed a foule Denne then a faire Garden. It's pitty so good a piece of ground is no better imploied : Heere are cruell Beasts in it, and as badly us'd ; heere are foule beasts come to it, and as bad or worse keepe it, they are fitter for a Wildernesse then a City : idle base persons (most commonly) that want imployment, or else will not be otherwise imploy'd, frequent this place ; and that money which was got basely here, to maintaine as bad as themselves, or spent lewdly ; here come few that either regard their credit, or losse of time : the swaggering Roarer, the cunning Cheater, the rotten Bawd, the swearing Drunkard, and the bloudy Butcher have their Rendevouz here, and are of chiefe place and respect. There are as many civil religious men here, as thei're [lit.] Saints in Hell. Here these are made to fight by Art, which would agree by Nature : They thrive most when the poore beasts fight oftenest : their imployment is all upon quarrels as unlawfull, as unseemely, they cause the Beasts first to fight, and then they put in first to part them : It's pitty such beastly Fellowes should bee so well maintain'd, they torment poore creatures, and make a gaines and game of it. / p.292 / The Beasts come forth with as ill a will, as Beares to the stake. A Beare-ward and an Atturney are not much unlike, the Atturney seemes the more cruell, for these baite but Beasts ; but these men, their Clients : The Beareward strives to recover the hurts of his Beasts, but the Atturney regards not the dammages of any, and they both follow the Trade for profit. Well, I leave the place, and when I intend to spend an houre, or two, to see an Asse and an Ape, to losse and charges, I may perhaps come hither : But as long as I can have any imployment elsewhere, I will not come to see such a great Company so ill occupied, in so bad a place.

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18.  Artillery.
      This place is the Cities Campe, and Mars his Schoole : Here are foure brave Flowers in this Garden, Manhood, Courage, Activity, Armes. The use and expert skill of Warre may be seene here in peace : Decency, Nimblenesse, Skill, Uniforme order, and Experience, the fine qualifications gracing Military Discipline, are usually here to be view'd. In their exercising how many little bodies may you see, that by their proportionable motion make a great body ? and that suddenly alterede into any Forme : Here are brave Martiall Blades, that at three words, and three motions will give fire : here are more armes then heads or feete : Yet when one moves, like Wheeles in a Jacke they all move. / p.293 / They are men that must not encroach into one anothers ground, but as they are commanders, so they must keep distance ; and they seeme not affect Confusions, for they all strive to keepe order : 'tis no marvell why Souldiers desire so to fight, for they are alwayes in Divisions. You may know by their Marchinge where ever either the best Gentleman, or the ancienest Souldier is plac'd, for hee is ever in the Right before, or Left behinde : They are strange men, for in tenne yards space of ground they can all turne their faces about : there's thought to bee no steadineese in them, for like Fortunes wheele, they many times suddenly alter and turne : they are generally men of good Order and Ranke, they then are at compleatest view, when their length and breadth agree, ten every way. They are most dislik'd, when they are either out, or off their Files. They use to put their worst Peices in the middest. They seeme to bee suddenly angry, for one word moves them all. Obedience and Silence they must practise, to doe as they are commanded, and to harken unto their charge. A good Souldier must be like a true Maide, seene but not heard : Hee's more for actions then words. The City did well to provide Mars a Garden, as well as Venus an House. No question, but when these meete, they will be at push of Pike, and often discharge. Before I leave this honourable place, I may speake this of it : that's excellent the oftner us'd, the best when 'tis fullest, and most Eminent Wisedome, Courage, Experience, Policy, bee the foure Coronels ; and the foure Regiments consist of Patience, Obedience, Valour, and Constancy ; and their Colours Deo, Regi, Gregi, Legi, / p.294 / for God, their King, Law, and Countrey, flourishing all in the field of Honor and Victory.

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19.  Bedlam.
      Heere live many, that are cal'd men, but seldome at home, for they are gone out of themselves : Nature hath bin a Steppe-mother to some, and misery and crosses have caused this strange change in others : they seeme to live here, eyther to rectifie Nature, or forget Miseries : they are put to Learne that Lesson which many, nay all that will bee happy, must learne to know, and be acquainted with themselves : this House would bee too little, if all that are beside themselves should be put in here : it seemes strange that any one shold recover here, the cryings, screechings, roarings, brawlings, shaking of chaines, swearings, frettings, chaffings, are so many, so hideous, so great, that they are more able to drive a man that hath his witts, rather out of them, then to helpe one that never had them, or hath lost them, to finde them againe. A Drunkard is madde for the present, but a Madde man is drunke alwayes. You shall scarce finde a place that hath so many men and woemen so strangely altered either from what they once were, or should have beene : The men are al like a Shippe that either wants a Sterne, or a Steresman, or Ballast : they are all Heteroclites from Nature, either having too much Wildnesse, or being defective in Judgment. Here Art strives to mend or cure / p.295 / Natures imperfections and defects. Certainely, hee that keepes the House may be sayd to live among wilde Creatures : It's thought many are kept here, not so much in hope of recovery, as to keepe them from further and more desperate Inconveniences. Their Faculties and Powers of their Soules and Bodies being by an ill cause vitiated and depraved, or defective. The men may be said to be faire Instruments of Musicke, but either they want strings, or else though beeing strung are out of tune, or otherwise want an expert Artist to order them : Many live here that know not where they are, or how they got in, never thinke of getting out : there's many that are so well or ill in their wits, that they can say they have bin out of them, and gaine much by dissembling in this kind : desperate Caitifes that dare make a mocke of judgment : well, if the Divell was not so strong to delude, and men so easily to be drawne, this house would stand empty, and for my part, I am sorry it hath any in it.

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20.  Play-houses.
      Time, Place, Subject, Actors, and Cloathes, either make or marr a play : the Prologue and Epilogue are like to an Host and Hostesse, one bidding their Guests welcome, the other bidding them farwell : the Actors are like Servingmen, that bring in the Sceanes and Acts as their Meate, which are lik'd or dislik'd, according to every mans judgment, / p.296 / the neatest drest, and fairest delivered, doth please most. They are as crafty with an old play, as Bauds with olde faces ; the one puts one a new fresh colour, the other a new face and Name : they practise a strange Order, for most commonly the wisest man is the Foole : They are much beholden to Schollers that are out of meanes, for they sell them ware the cheapest : they have no great reason to love Puritans, for they hold their Calling unlawfull. New Playes and new Cloathes, many times help bad actions : they pray the Company that's in, to heare them patiently, yet they would not suffer them to come in without payment : they say as Schollers now use to say, there are so many, that one Fox could find in his heart to eate his fellow : A player often changes, now he acts a Monarch, to morrow a Beggar : now a Souldier, next a Taylor : their speech is loud, but never extempore, he seldome speaks his own minde, or in his own name : when men are heere, and when at Church, they are of contrary mindes, there they thinke the time too long, but heere too short : most commonly when the play is done, you shal have a Jigge or dance of all trads, they mean to put their legs to it, as well as their tongs : they make men wonder when they have done, for they all clappe their hands. Sometimes they flye into the Countrey ; but tis a suspicion, that they are either poore, or want cloaths, or else Company, or a new Play : Or do as some wandring Sermonists, make one Sermon travaile and serve twenty Churches. All their care is to be like Apes, to immitate and expresse other mens actions in their own persons : they love not the company of Geese or Serpents, because of their / p.297 / hissing : they are many times lowzy, it's strange, and yet shift so often : As an Ale-house in the Country is beholden to a wilde Schoolemaster, so an whoore-house to some of these, for they both spend all they get. Well, I like them well, if when they Act vice, they will leave it, and when vertue, they will follow. I speake no more of them, but when I please, I will come and see them.

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21.  Fencing-Schooles.
      Heere's many a man comes hither, which had rather work then play, though very few can hit these men, yet any one may know where to have them, upon his guard : his Schollers seeme to bee strangely taught, for they do nothing but play ; his care seemes to be good, for he learnes men to keepe their bodies in safety. Usually they that set up this Science have been some Low-countrey Souldier, who to keep himselfe honest from further inconveniences, as also to maintayne himselfe, thought upon this course, and practise it : the worst part of his Science is, hee learnes men to falsifie : hee is glad to see any Novice that reads his Orders with his hat on, for then he hopes for a forfeiture ; there are many blows given and taken, yet little or no blood spilt, the more he beates, the better man he is held to be, he will make many daunce about his Schoole, as a Beare about a stake. A little touch upon your elbow, is commonly his first acquaintance and salutation : he hath his Discourse ordinarily / p.298 / of single Combates, and then will show you his Wounds, and cause you to heare his oaths which are his familiar Retoricke : He is for the most part a potter and piper, and if he be well in age or not, you may know by the sanguine complexion of his nose, and the number of pearles that are usually about it, accompanied with Rubies and Saphires, show that hee is some Jeweller. His Schoole is an introduction to blowes, and hee makes many mans head to bee the pillow of his Cudgell : one must not trust to his lookes, for he lookes at one place, and strikes at another ; you must bee sure to keepe him off, for hee is most dangerous when neerest to you : hee seldome strikes downe right, but either backe-wards or for-wards : He that loves fighting in earnest, let him goe to the Wars : he that loves to fight in jest, let him come hither.

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22.  Dancing-schooles.
      They seeme to be places Consecrated, for they that use to practise heere, put off their shoes, and dance single-sol'd ; they are not exceeding men, for they teach and delight in Measures : they seeme to be men of spare dyet, for they live upon Capers : their trade is not chargeable to beginne withal, for one treble violl sets it up : they should bee good players at Cards, for they teach men to Cut and shuffle wel : their schollers armes are like pinion'd Prisoners, not to reach too or above their heads : their heeles seem to / p.299 / hinder their preferment, and that makes them to rise uppon their toes : whatsoever their actions bee, they must carry their bodies upright : The Schollers are like Courtiers, full of Cringes : And their Master seemes to bee a man of great Respect, for they all salute him with hat in hand, and knees to the ground : the number of five is the dauncing A, B, C, both Maister and Schollers seeme to love Newes, for they both consist much of Currantoes : their eyes must not see what their feet do, they must when they Daunce, bee like men that have the French disease, stiffe in the Hammes ; they are guided by the Musicke, and therefore should be merry men. What they may seeme to intend, is that they hope to dance before Gentlewomen : But in the next Jigge you shall bee sure to have them turne like Globes all round. They like a Fiddle better then a Drumme, and hold Venus to bee a more auspicious Planet then Mars. When they are in the Schooles they are Antickes, when they are out, I thinke you will judge as I doe, they love the Fæminine gender more then the Masculine : Generally, these Schooles learne men to begin merrily, leave off sighing, and therefore they are players of Tragedies, not Comedies ; I thinke hee that seldome dances, lives well ; but he that never, lives best. When I intend to shew my bodies strength, and my mindes weakenesse, I will bee one of their Proficients : I had rather have my body not dance here, for feare my Soule should not like the Musicke : Give me that place where all is Musicke, but no Dancing.

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23.  Fisher-woemen.
      These Crying, Wandring, and Travailing Creatures carry their shops on their heads, and their Store-house is ordinarily Bilings gate or the Bridge-foote, and their habitation Turnagaine-lane, they set up every morning their Trade afresh. They are easily set up and furnish't, get something, and spend it Jovially and merrily : Five shillings a Basket, and a good cry, is a large stocke for one of them. They are merriest when all their Ware is gone : in the morning they delight to have their shop ful, at Even they desire to have it empty : their Shoppe's but little, some two yards compasse, yet it holds all sorts of Fish, or Hearbs, or Roots, Strawberries, Apples, or Plums, Cowcumbers, and such like ware : Nay, it is not destitute some times of Nutts, and Orenges, and Lemmons. They are free in all places, and pay nothing for shop-rent, but onely finde repaires to it. If they drinke out their whole Stocke, it's but pawning a Petticoate in Long-lane, or themselves in Turnebull-streete for to set up againe. They change every day almost, for Shee that was this day for Fish, may bee to morrow for Fruit ; next day for Hearbs, another for Roots : so that you must heare them cry before you know what they are furnisht withall, when they have done their Faire, they meet in mirth, singing, dancing, and in the middle as a Parenthesis, they use scolding, but they doe use to take and put up words, and end not till either their money or wit, or credit bee cleane spent out. / p.301 / Well, when in an evening they are not merry in a drinking-house, it is suspected they have had bad returne, or else have payd some old score, or else they are banke-rupts : they are creatures soone up, and soone downe.

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24.  Scavengers and Gold-finders.
      These two keepe al clean, the one the streetes, the other the backe-sides, but they are seldom clean themselves, the one like the hangman doth his worke all by day, the other like a theife, doeth their's in the night : the Gold-finders hold the sense of smelling the least of use, and do not much care for touching the businesse they have in hand, they both carry their burdens out into the fieldes, yet sometimes the Thames carries away their loads : they are something like the Trade of the Barbers, for both doe rid away superfluous excrements. The Barbers profession is held chiefe, because that deales with the head and face, but these with the excrements of the posteriorums. The Barbers trade and these have both very strong smels, but the Gold-finders is the greatest for strength, the others is safest and sweetest : the Barber useth washing when hee hath done, to cleanse all, and so do these : the Barber useth a looking glass, that men may see how he hath done his work, and these use a candle : they are all necessary in the City : as our faces would bee foule without the Barber, / p.302 / so our streets without the Scavenger, and our back-sides with out the Gold-finder : The Scavenger seemes not to be so great an Officer, as the Gold-finder, for he deales with the excrements chiefly of Beasts, but this latter of his owne Species : well, had they beene sweeter fellowes I would have stood longer on them, but they may answer, they keepe all cleane, and do that worke which scarse any one but themselves would meddle withall.

[ p.303 ]  (image of page 303)

The  Countrey  Carbonadoed

and

Quartred into Characters.

1.  Of the Countrey.

      THIS is the Circumference of London : It is the Embleme of the City in Folio, and the City of it in Decimo-sexto : the Country justifies that Verse to be true, that Anglia, Mons, Pons, Fons, Ecclesia, Famina, Luna. It doth now of late begin to complaine that the Citty offers her wrong in harboring her chiefe members of Nobility, and Gentry : her Gentry for the most part of late are growne wondrously undutifull that will scarse otherwise then upon compulsion, come and live with their mother and maintayner : Shee allowes these more meanes a great deale, then shee did their Grandfathers ; yet these young Storkes flye from her ; the other alwayes liv'd with her, and lov'd her : she doth much suspect their Faith and Love towards her, because she being as beautifull, as bountifull as healthy, and as rich, as ever, should be thus sleighted of her yonger sonnes, yet / p.304 / three times or foure in a yeare, perhaps they will vouchsafe their mother their presence, but it is to be suspected, that either a publicke proclamation, or a violent plague, or to gather up their racke-rents moove them from the City, or else the pleasure of Hawkin and Hunting, or perhaps it is to show his new Madame some pritty London bird, the credit of his fathers house, but his owne discredite to let it stand for Jack-daws to domineere in ; well, this Country is the Map of the world, the beauty of Lands, and may wel be cal'd the rich Dyamond glorious Plac'd, it may be emblem'd by these 9. particulars, a faire great Church, a learned Colledge, a strong rich ship, a beautifull Woman, a golden fleece, a delightful spring, a great mountaine, a faire bridge, and a goodly man, to conclude, it is the life of the City, and the store-house of al Christendome, for Peace, War, Wealth, or Religion : they that will know more, must eyther travayle to see, or reade the description of it by Geographers.

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2.  Hospitality.
      This true noble hearted fellow is to be dignified and honor'd, wheresoever he keeps house : It's thought that pride, puritans, coaches and covetousnesse hath caused him to leave our Land : there are sixe upstart tricks come up in great Houses of late which he cannot brook Peeping windowes for the Ladies to view what doings there are in the / p.305 / Hall, a Buttry hatch that's kept lockt, cleane Tables, and a French Cooke in the Kitching, a Porter that lockes the gates in dinner time, the decay of Blacke-jackes in the Cellar, and blew coates in the Hall : he alwayes kept his greatnesse by his Charity : he loved three things, an open Cellar, a full Hall, and a sweating Cooke : he alwayes provided for three dinners, one for himselfe, another for his Servants, the third for the poore : any one may know where hee kept house, other by the Chimnies smoak, by the freedom at gate, by want of whirligige Jackes in the Kitchin, by the fire in the Hall, or by the full furnish'd tables : he affects not London, Lent, Lackaies, or Bailifes, there are foure sorts that pray for him, the poore, the passenger, his Tenants, and Servants : hee is one that will not hourd up all, nor lavishly spend all, he neyther rackes nor rakes his Neighbours, they are sure of his Company at Church, as wel as at home, and gives his bounty as wel to the Preacher, as to others whom hee loves for his good life and doctrine : hee had his wine came to him by full Buts, but this Age keepes her Wine-Celler in little bottles. Lusty able men well maintayned were his delight, with whom he would be familiar : his Tenants knew when they saw him, for he kept the olde fashion, good, commendable, plaine : the poore about him wore uppon their backes ; but now since his death, Land-lords weare and wast their Tenants uppon their backes in French, or Spanish fashions. Well, wee can say that once such a charitable Practitioner there was, but now hee's dead, to the griefe of all England : And tis shroudly suspected that hee will never rise againe in our Climate.

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3.  Enclosures.
      The Land-lords that inclose their Villages, are affraid that either the Towne, or the Land would runne away, or rebell against them. Therefore they beleaguer it with deep Trenches and Thorn-roots for Pallizadoes : they could not make their Trenches so easily, if all were true within : But the person he is like a false Canoniere, that came by his place by Simoniacke meanes, and perhaps is sworne, either not to molest the enemie at all : or else if hee doth give fire, either to shoote over, or short, or upon the side, never direct : or else he is poore, covetous, hopes to have some crackt chamber-mayde, or some by preferment, and so gives leave to the exacting Landlord to doe as hee pleases. In this businesse the Landlord he is as Lord-general, the Person is as his Horse that he rides, galls, spurres on, and curvetts with as he pleases : turnes him and rules him any way, by a golden Bit, a strong hand, and ticking Spurres. The Bayliffe is his Intelligencer, which if hee was either strapt, or hang'd outright it was no great matter for his newes. The Surveyor is his Quarter-master, which goes like a Beare with a Chaine at his side, his two or three of the Parishioners, who walke with him, and helpe him to undoe themselves. The poore of the Parish and other places are his chiefe Pioneres, who like mouldy Worps cast up earth ; the Parish hee eyther winnes by Composition, or famishes by length of time, or batters downe by force / p.307 / of his lawlesse Engines : Most of the Inhabitants are miserably pillaged and undone, he loves to see the bounds of his boundlesse desires ; hee is like the Divell, for they both compasse the earth about : Enclosures make fat Beasts, and leane poore people ; there are three annoyancers of his Flocke, the Scab, Thieves, and a long Rotte : Husband-men hee loves not, for he maintaines a few shepheards with their Curres. Hee holds those that plough the land cruell oppressors, for they wound it hee thinkes too much, and therefore he intends to lay it downe to rest : Well, this I say of him, that when he keepes a good house constantly, surely the World will not last long : There's many one that prayes for the end of the one, and I wish it may bee so.

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4.  Tenants by Lease.
      There compasse ordinarily is three Prentishippes in length, one and twenty yeares. Once in halfe a yeare they must bee sure to prepare for payment. New-yeares day must not passe over without a presentation of a gift : If the Land-lord bee either rich, good, religious, or charitable, hee feasts their bodies ere Christmas runne away. If they see the Ladies or Gentlewomen, or my Ladies Parrat, Babone, or Monkey, you may know what their talke is of with wonder when they come home againe : many fill their Tenants bodies once, but empty their purses all the yeare long. They take it for / p.308 / no small grace, when the Groome, or the Under-cooke, or some such great Officer convay them to the Buttery to drinke, they have done Knights service, if they have drunke to the uppermost Gentlewoman : And it's a marvaile if they stand not up to performe this point of service, or else blush a quarter of an houre after ; they seeme merry, for most eate simpering : They dare not dislike any meate, nor scarce venter upon a dish that hath not lost the best face or piece before it come thither, many of them Suppe better at home, then they Dine here : It's their owne folly. Hee seemes to bee a Courtier compleate, that hath the witte or the face to call for Beere at the Table : their Land-lord fetches their Charges out of them ere halfe the yeare passe, by getting them to fetch Coale, Wood, or Stone, or other burthens to his House. The Land-lord, Bayly, and other Informers are so cunning, that the Tenants shall but live to keep Life and Soule together, if through Poverty and hard Rents they forfeit not their Leases. You may know where they live ordinarily, for Leases runne now with this clause usually in them, they must not let or sell away their right to another. Well, he that hath a good Land-lord, a firme Lease, and good ground, prayes for his owne life, and Land-lords ; and wishes hee had had a longer time in his Lease.

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5.  Tenants at will.
      These are Continuers onely upon their Maisters pleasure, their owne behaviour, or ability. They are men that will take short warning a quarter of a yeare, they are like Curats in the Countrey that stand at the old Parsons Liberum arbitrium. They must study how to please before they speake ; when they are discharged, they are like Souldiers casheir'd, both want a place of stay or preferment, as they depart suddenly, so they are sure to pay extremly : they are not unlike courtiers, for they often change places : their Land-Lords love to bee uppon a sure ground with them, for usually they'le have their Rents before hand if they come not to bee censured for inmates they may abide the longer, they must alwaies bring security where they intend to stay : London is one of the freest places for their aboad, without questioning them what they are, for if they pay for their lodging and other charges, they neede not remoove : they are like unto Servants gone uppon a discharge, and they should reckon their places of abode, no heritage : If they be imploy'd in worke, and if they will stay at it, they are then most likely to hold their house the longer : they are a degre above a beggar, and one under a Tenant by Lease : many of them will not stay too long in a place, lest they should being ill, be too wel known : uppon their journies many proove true Carriers, for they beare their goods, Children and some houshold stuffe : wel, they are Tenants at wil, but whither good or bad, you that would know must aske their Land-lord / p.310 / or them. I wish that yet they may come to be Snailes, have an house of their owne, over their heads. Winter's the worst quarter to them to shift in.

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6.  Countrey Schoole-maisters.
      If they be well Gound and Bearded, they have two good Apologies ready made ; but they are beholden to the Taylor and Barber for both : if they can provide for two pottles of Wine against the next Lecture-day, the Schoole being voyde, there are great hopes of preferment : if he gets the place, his care next must be for the demeanure of his Countenance ; hee lookes over his Schollers with as great and grave a countenance, (as the Emperour over his Army :) He wil not at first be over-busie to examine his Usher, for feare hee should proove as many Curats, better Schollers then the chiefe master. As he sits in his seate, hee must with a grace turne his Muchatoes up ; his Scepter lyes not farre from him, the Rod : He uses Marshall law most, and the day of execution ordinarily is the Friday : at sixe a clocke his army all beginne to march ; at eleaven they keepe Rendevouz, and at five or sixe at night, they take up their quarters : There are many set in Authority to teach youth, which never had much learning themselves ; therefore if hee cannot teach them, yet his lookes and correction shal affright them : But there are some who deserve the place by their / p.311 / worth, and wisdome, who stayd with their Mother the University, untill Learning, Discretion, and Judgement had ripened them, for the well managing of a Schoole : these I love, respect, and wish that they may have good means eyther here, or somewhere else : These come from the Sea of Learning, well furnished with rich prizes of Knowledge, and excellent qualities, ballasted they are wel with gravity and judgement, well ster'd by Religion and a good conscience ; and these abilities make them the onely fit men to governe and instruct tender age ; he learnes the Cradle to speak several languages and fits them for places of publicke note : being thus qualified, 'tis pitty hee should eyther want meanes or imployment.

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7.  Country Ushers.
      They are under the Head-maister, equall with the chiefe Schollers, and above the lesser boyes : hee is likely to stay two yeares before hee can furnish himselfe with a good cloake : They are like unto Lapwings run away from the University, their Nest, with their shels on their heads. Metriculation was an hard terme for him to understand : and if he proceeded it was in Tenebris : the Chancellors Seale and Lycense for the place, is a great grace to him : At a Sermon you shall see him writing, but if the division of the Text be expressed in Latine termes, then hee could not eyther heare, or not understand, and so oftentimes looses / p.312 / the division of the Text : it's no small credite for him to sit at the neather end of the Table with the Ministers ; he seldome speaks there amongst them, unlesse like a novice he be first asked, and then hee expresses his weaknesse boldly : he goes very far, if he dare stay to drinke a cup of Ale when one houre is past : His discourse ordinarily is of his exployts when he went to Schoole : hee hath learn'd enough in the University, if hee knowes the Figures, and can Repeate the Logicall Moods : usually he makes his Sillogismes in Baralipton, if hee can make any : Hee holds Greeke for a Heathen language, and therefore never intends to learne it : for Latine, his blacke cloathes are sufficient proofes to the Country-fellowes, that he is wel furnisht : For Hebrew it would pose him hard to make a difference in writing betwixt Hebræus and Ebrius ; in a word, he is but a great Schoole boy with a little Beard and blacke-cloathes, and knowes better how to whippe a Scholler then learne him : if hee had beene fit for any thing in the University, hee had not left her so soone : Yet I confesse there are some that deserve better preferment then this, yet accept of it ; but its pitty that Virtue and Learning are so slightly regarded, and that so rich a jewell should bee no better plac'd.

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8.  Country Chaplaines.
      They must do as Mary-golds, immitate their Master, as these do the Sun : they are men of Grace before and after Dinner and Supper ; they are men that seeme desirous of preferment, for they rise before their Lord and Maister : their habite is neate, cleanly, if not too curious its wel. In a well govern'd house, they performe praier twice a day, to be commended for, because it showes and teaches Zeale, Godlinesse. Their Sermons are not long, but generally good and pithy ; their Lords respect and favour, makes the Servants to respect and love them ; grave modesty and Learning, with an affable carriage, winnes them regard and Reverence : the more private their persons be, the more publicke their prayse : Their Studies generally are their best Closets, and their Books their best Counsellors : Such as these deserve to bee made of ; but there are others of the same profession, yet much different in Nature, who strive to satisfie and please, even by smothering, counterfetting, or immitating their Maisters faults, and love the strong Beere Cellar, or a Wine-taverne more then their Studies : whose ambition is to bee conversant with the Gentlewoemen, and now and then to let an oath slippe with a grace ; whose acquaintance and familiarity is most with the Butler, and their care to slippe to an Ale-house unseene, with the Servants. Their allowance is good if it bee 20. Marke, and their Dyet. If they bee Married they must be more obsequious and industrious to please, if they come single, / p.314 / it's a thousand to one but they will either bee in Love or Married before they goe away : I honour both Lord and Chaplaine, when they are Godly, and Religious ; but I dislike, when either the Lord will not bee told of his faults, or the Chaplaine will not, or dare not : I love the life when Zeale, Learning and Gravity are the gifts of the Preacher. But I dislike it, when by respects Connivency or Ignorance with Pride keepe the Chappell. If they be wise, they will keepe close, till they have the Advouson of a Living, the better they are liked of their Master, and the more store he hath of Livings, they have the more hopes of a presentation. It's a great Vertue in their Patrone if hee doe not geld it, or lessen it before they handle it.

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9.  Ale-houses.
      If these houses have a Boxe-Bush, or an old Post, it is enough to show their Profession. But if they bee graced with a Signe compleat, it's a signe of good custome : In these houses you shall see the History of Judeth, Susanna, Daniel in the Lyons Den, or Dives and Lazarus painted upon the Wall. It may bee reckoned a wonder to see, or find the house empty, for either the Parson, Churchwarden, or Clark, or all ; are doing some Church or Court-businesse usually in this place. They thrive best where there are fewest ; It is the Host's chiefest pride to bee speaking / p.315 / of such a Gentleman, or such a Gallant that was here, and will bee againe ere long : Hot weather and Thunder, and want of company are the Hostesses griefe, for then her Ale sowres : Your drinke usually is very young, two daies olde : her chiefest wealth is seene, if she can have one brewing under another : if either the Hostesse, or her Daughter, or Maide will kisse handsomely at parting, it is a good shooing-Horne or Birdlime to draw the Company thither againe the sooner. Shee must bee Courteous to all, though not by Nature, yet by her Profession ; for shee must entertaine all, good and bad ; Tag, and Rag ; Cut, and Long-tayle : Shee suspects Tinkers and poore Souldiers most, not that they will not drinke soundly, but that they will not pay lustily. Shee must keepe touch with three sorts of men ; that is, the Malt-man, the Baker, and the Justices Clarkes. Shee is merry, and halfe made, upon Shrove-tuesday, May-daies, Feast-dayes, and Morrice dances : A good Ring of Bells in the Parish helpes her to many a Tester, she prayes the Parson may not be a Puritan : a Bag-piper, and a Puppet-play brings her in Birds that are flush, shee defies a Wine-taverne as an upstart outlandish fellow, and suspects the Wine to bee poysoned. Her Ale, if new, lookes like a misty Morning, all thicke ; well, if her Ale bee strong, her reckoning right, her house cleane, her fire good, her face faire, and the Towne great or rich : shee shall seldome or never sit without Chirping Birds to beare her Company, and at the next Churching or Christning, shee is sure to be ridd of two or three dozen of Cakes and Ale by gossiping Neighbours.

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10.  Apparators.
      Spirituall busines is their Profession, but carnall matters are their gaine and revenewes. The sinnes of the Laity holds them up, Ember-weekes, Visitations and Court-dayes shew their Calling and Imployment, then shall you see them as quicke as Bees in a Sommer day : Surrogates, the Arch-deacon, and the Chancellor, they dare not offend : they live upon Intelligence ; they have much businesse with the Church-wardens and Sides-men, they ride well furnisht with Citations, and sometime Excommunications : They are glad if they can heare of any one that teaches Schoole, or read Prayers in that Diocesse without a speciall Licence, they are to Peccant Wenches, as bad Scar-crowes, as Bailiffes be to desperate Debtors. The Curate must reade Prayers on Wednesdayes and Fridayes formaliter sub pæna of a further Charge : they are sworne to their Office, before admitted, but being admitted, oftentimes they dispense with the Oath : sometimes they have eyes, and are tongue-tyed ; sometimes they have tongues, and are blind : But without Fees they will see too much, and speake more ; and fetch men into their Courts with a Coram nomine. Yet though they doe much abuse their office, they make many affraide to sinne, either for feare of shame, punishment, or charges : Whatsoever shift a man or a woman make for monies, yet they are sure to pay for their faultes here. And if hee bee any thing in Age, then in the Court hee weares a furr'd Gowne, and ordinarily cryes Peace, peace there, when in his heart he / p.317 / means no such matter. They are like a company of straggling Sheepe, or unruly Goates, for they will never agree, or bee under one Shephard. Most commonly when they go to the Visitation, they ride on poore Jades, and their accoutrements an old Saddle, one Stirrope, a Spur without a Rowell, a blacke boxe, and an Office Seale : if the Wench that's in fault, want monies to pay her Fees, they'le take their penny-worths in flesh : Well, their Office is none of the best, and yet is it oftentimes too good for the Maister. When all Wenches proove Honest, they may begge, but as long as Venus rules, they will bee sure to finde imployment.

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11.  Constables.
      There names imply that they should bee constant and able for the discharge of their Office : They have the command of foure places of note, the Stockes, the Cage, the Whipping-post, and the Cucking-stoole : they appoynt and command the Watch-men with their rusty Bils to walke Circuit : and doe also send hue and cryes after Male-factors. They are much imployed in foure occasions : at Musters, at pressing foorth of Souldiers, at quarter Sessions, and Assizes : their Office many times make them proud and crafty : if they bee angry with a poore man, hee is sure to be prefer'd upon the next Service : The Ale-houses had best hold correspondency with them : they are Bugbeares to / p.318 / them that wander without a Passe. Poore Souldiers are now and then helpt to a Lodging by their meanes : They'le visit an Ale-house under colour of Search, but their desire is to get Beere of the Company, and then if they be but meane men, they Master them ; and they answere them, Come pay, with this usuall Phrase, you are not the men wee looke for ; and demand of the Hostesse if shee have no Strangers in her house : having got their desire, they depart with this Complement ; Well, if our businesse were not extraordinary, we would have stay'd : but we must search other places upon suspition, it is (Gentlemen) for the King, and so depart with the amazement of the honest Company, and laughter to themselves. It's a thousand to one if they give a Souldier two pence, but they will set in their Bills given sixe-pence, and set downe layd out, when there is no such matter ; a fine tricke to get money by their place. They should seeme to bee either very poore, or covetous, or crafty men ; for they put their Charges alwaies upon the Parish : If an accompt happen to bee among the Parishioners when such a thing, or such a thing was done ; they'le answere in the same yeare, or there abouts, I was Constable, in thinking thereby to set forth their owne Credit. I leave them, wishing them to bee good in their Office, it is not long they have to stay in it.

/ p.319 /

12.  Currantoes or weekly Newes.
      These commonly begin with Vienna and end with Antwerpt : The Spanish and French affaires must not be left out : The three names that grace their Letters, are the Sweds, Tillies, or Imperialists : ordinarily they have as many Leyes as Lines, they use to lye (as weather-beaten Souldiers) upon a Booke-binders stall, they are new and old in sixe dayes : they are busie fellows, for they meddle with other mens Affaires : No Pope, Emperour, or King, but must bee touched by their pen : Nay they use to interline some great exploit at Sea betwixt the Hollander and Dunkerker, or else betwixt the Hollander and Spaniard, at the Cape or the straights of Magellan, and usually they conclude with this Phrase, The Admirall or Vice-Admirall of our side, gave a broad side to the utter over throw of the Spaniard, with so many men hurt, such a rich Prize taken, such a Ship sunke, or fired : Being faithfully translated out of the Dutch coppy, with the first and Second Part, like Ballads. And these are all conceites ordinarily, which their owne idle braine, or busie fancies, upon the blockes in Paules, or in their Chambers invented : They have used this trade so long, that now every one can say, its even as true as a Currantoe, meaning that it's all false. Now Swedens and the Emperors War in Germany, is their Store-house, with how Lubecke, Hamburgh, Leipsich, Breame, and the other Hans-Townes affect the Kings Majesties proceedings : If a Towne be beleagured, or taken, / p.320 / then they never take care, but how they may send their Leyes fast enough, and far enough ; Well, they are politicke, not to be descried, for they are asham'd to put their names to their Books. If they write good Newes of our side, it is seldome true ; but if it be bad, it's alwayes almost too true. I wish them eyther to write not at all, or lesse, or more true ; the best newes is when we heare no Newes.